Nutty

Re-apply.

But it seems like a lot of wasted effort and no follow up on the first application.

BACK TO THE TOPIC OF HOW IS YOUR SPOUSE ADJUSTING!!!!

We all feel badly when one of our group is having a hard time. But digressing into issues of conversion, culture bashing, etc, etc....is unraveling this thread

It's better we stick to the topic of "how is your spouse adjusting to the US?" and for those whose spouses haven't arrived yet discussion of what you'll expect when they come and how will you handle it.

Thanks

Nutty

I don't see anyone bashing their husbands, where are you getting this from????????? I am totally lost on this one, women will always get together and talk about their husbands, that is what women do from the beginning of time. We live for this, go anywhere in the world and women will talk and complain about their husbands and kids, it doesn't mean they don't love them, it is just a women thing. Take a chill pill.

Sounds positive Belinda!!!!! I am keeping my fingers crossed!!!!

Two months is reasonable for getting their affairs settling in Iran. Believe me the time will fly......

I hope you are enjoying the time together in Turkey.

Best of luck!

Good post, Bridget!

I noticed that some people here are very critical of Wahrania based on some of her earlier posts. It's kinda crappy to kick a person when they're down.

I think it's better for all of us to be a little more kind hearted when we see one of the group struggling.

Be sure, Wahrania, we are not here to criticize you. Listen, we all know how hard it is to sponsor someone to come here. It's so hard to admit to family and friends (those who see you in the flesh everyday) that "things aren't working out" because you are frightened of the "I told you so's" or the "I knew it would not work out" sentences that may follow. That's why our little group is special. We all have a shared experience in marrying and bringing a foreign spouse to live with us and the ups and downs that come with the territory.

Please don't think that advice, sometimes deliveried sternly (I admit I do this at times) is a criticism. Really, we just want to help.

The reality is that I love him with no conditions and I am trying to be forgiving and loving and hang in there. Its been tough thats for sure. I am sure I have opened my self up to an onslaught of criticism but thats why I come here because you guys understand stuff and many on the outside wouldnt

Adjustment issues are: depression, moodiness, arguementative, comparing cultures and the differences between here and there, finding faults with USA and putting their own country/people on an alter. However, chatting with women online does not fall into the catagorey of "adjustment disorder." Nor does becoming violent when caught doing it.

Loving him "without conditions" is not a wise position to take. It implies you are willing to accept intolerable behavior from him because of love. Would you allow another person to mistreat you in such a way? If no, then why would you accept it from the man who is supposed to be your best friend and cherish you.

It's true my husband and I have had our difficulties. Minor I admit (and sometimes I see them as bigger issues than they are). But I would never tolerate my husband online with women. Or tolerate the breaking of a laptop because you EXPOSED his bad conduct.

Be sure: A true, pious good muslim is faithful to his wife in every way. Not online flirting while his pregnant wife struggles.

The only reason I am being hard with my opinion is that I don't want you to become a doormat and accept inexcusable behavior "because of love." Too many woman allow themselves to be mistreated because they "love unconditionally."

The kids seem to love him and he them. Its almost as if I am up against impossible comparisons to people back home like cooking, looks etc. He has said some horrific things to me over the last 2 weeks. I am almost 32 weeks pregnant so you know that I am already just feeling so overwhelmed.I was at the point I was ready to whip out and buy his ticket back home and just wash my hands of everything. Its been too much. His mom actually feels for me. I think they all know what I am going through including my family.

The reality is that I love him with no conditions and I am trying to be forgiving and loving and hang in there. Its been tough thats for sure. I am sure I have opened my self up to an onslaught of criticism but thats why I come here because you guys understand stuff and many on the outside wouldnt

Wahrania,

I am sorry for your situation really. I know that adjustment is hard. However the situation you explained below is not adjustment issues. It is plain selfish behavior. Your husband prides himself on being a "good and proper muslim" and yet he is chatting with women online while his pregnant wife suffers and WORKS. This is a hypocrisy of character and no amount of cultural background can excuse it.

Nutty

To bring a conclusion to the story, his mom has actually tried very hard to be supportive of me.

My husband has done some things over the last week that have floored me. First he took my laptop which was a present from my brother and smashed it into pieces and stepped on it. I had found him chatting with other women and I was devastated ( I had installed Spector PRO and could screenshot everything he did when I was at work) I told him that this wasnt a life for me to be working and for him to be able to work and doing nothing to fix his situation. He became enraged and smashed the computer in the kitchen , stepping on it. Afterwards he refused to speak to me the rest of the day and into the evening. I did not react. I just swept up the computer and put it into a bag and threw it away. Later that evening he told me that he loved me and started talking about a married Canadian woman he had been talking to in MSN ( apparently he thought I saw THAT particular im exchange as well) Apparently he thought I caught him doing more than he did but it really didnt matter. I ended up with a shattered laptop and no way to work from home but remember since he has been here he has barely let me on the computer ( he would sit for hours either chatting, surfing etc. or watching Algerian television or using skype) Needless to say, I will not be buying another laptop anytime soon. I dont care too much if I have the net at home anyway but its killing me. Hes apologised about a thousand time but I told him I am not going to tell my family because my brother bought me that as a present and he would be devastated. My family doesnt do all this drama and isnt loud spoken etc.

I will tell you , for you VIRTUAL WIFE, that NOT ALL ARAB CULTURES are created similar. Some arabs are more known to be soft spoken...some more funny....etc. Moroccans are known as DIPLOMATS. They get along with everyone and have a very nice nature to tourists. Algerians from the years I have been going there are fiercely loving and loyal to their country and as you know have lived engulfed in either civil war, occupation or terrorism. This is NOT TO EXCUSE ANYTHING OR BAD BEHAVIOR but you say again and again that somehow I have either chosen a mysogynist or that there is no ring of truth to anything I say. The temperament of many Algerians can be at time a bit more abrupt and forthright than many cultures because frankly they are a republic not a kingdom and everyone their has grown up in an environment of collectivism and jihad. Anytime a culture loses 1,000,000 to civil war and terrorism, then you have a generation that grew up watching people shot in the street and their throats cut ( my husband not only witness all of this from about 12 on he also served in the army during the height of terrorism ( late 90s) I am not defending him or excusing him but he has had an immense adjustment to EVERYTHING... even running water and daily showers and not going to be hungry. I really have been wanting to thrown in the towel with him. He literally went for 2 weeks without kissing me or holding me and holing himself up in his bed. After he broke the computer it was like he broke into tears. He wouldnt stop kissing me or holding me or talking to me and he has been acting alot different over the last few days. He kept saying I am so sorry to me. What amazed me is how understanding my family has been about him adjusting. My mom would listen to me tell her the things he was doing and she said just let him be and keep going and I did.. You predict that I will have failure in my relationship as if somehow I am doing something to earn it. On the contrary, I have found out things about myself over this last 2 months that I never could have imagined. My husband literally is terrified to be here. Terrified of failure. Terrified of his language barrier. He is just now adjusting to the food. I am in alot of pain emotionally because I want him to be happy. He has so many wonderful qualities. We do not have a huge age disparity. We are having a baby together. There are many things going for us if we can just overcome his adjusting to this place. I would be lying to tell you that this has been a cakewalk. Its been up.... down ... and everything in between. His particular background was a little bit more extreme than many others. His father was from the SAHARA and was an IBADI muslim and severely mistreated his more moderate big city Mother. Its about alot more than just being arab. There are so many sub cultures within the catagory arab that culturally you can step on toes and mess up with out even trying too hard.

All I know is that I am doing the best I can every single day, working, planning for the baby and I have school next week and I just have alot on me. I think its come down to either he bucks up and faces things and grows up or goes home. His mom wants him to adapt and stay and when he has wanted to leave , I think he s sad because she wants him to buck up, my mom wants him to buck up and so do I. All I know is I cant do much more than I am doing.. I love him very much. Hes done some things that have really pissed me off and hurt me but I am trying to hang in there

I tell you the adjusting period is a roller coaster. A few good days and then a few bad....

I will say that my husband does not mind me drinking. In fact, I make it a ritual to have two cocktails each night (be it two beers, two margheritas, whatever). I made sure to tell him it is an "American custom that we enjoy social drinking and that there are even some health benefits to daily consumption of moderate alcohol."

Now he actually likes it when I drink because I loosen up.

Also, this past weekend we went camping...Again we had some disagreements...Later my husband admitted that a friend of his also commented that my husband is a "contrarian." (If I say white, you say black).

Thank God my husband realizes he has this tendency.

I do not think it changes your marriage certificate. A marriage certificate is a government record of registering a marriage. Change of nationality does not change the record of marriage.

When the baby is newborn is best. It is much easier on them and they heal quickly. I don't think there are painkillers given even when they are newly born.

Many jewish familys have circumcision parties at their homes called a "bris" (sp?) where a rabbi comes a performs the circumsion. So it might help if you research online how they do it. As for being hygenic and all that, it depends on the instruments only. Just make sure the cutting instruments are sterile and there is sterile bandaging.

Look on the United States Center for Immigration Services for the topic "aging out"

It applies to you.

Here is the link

http://www.uscis.gov/portal/site/uscis/men...00045f3d6a1____

You entered the marriage in good faith. That is all that matters. I think you will be ok in adjusting status and getting your ten year card if you get a divorce.

Pick a country close to Armenia. But make sure how long it takes to get a marriage license issued.

I know from my first marriage in India it took about a month (you had to wait one month to appear a second time in front of the magistrate to collect your marriage certificate)

From my second marriage in Thailand, it took two weeks for all the paperwork to be issued.

ANOTHER OPTION POSSIBLE

Get the marriage nullified in Armenia.

Sponsor your ex-wife as a fiance on a k3 Visa.

Get married here.

Hi,

Before people jump to conclusions, make assumptions and make fun of me for what is going on, if you have the time, please read what I’m writing and maybe you will understand this issue.

In the summer of 2006 my mother, brother and I went on a trip to Armenia so I can meet my mother’s family. In Armenia I met a girl I fell deeply in love with. In denial that I was in love with her, I would always tell myself, “No, that’s wrong, don’t think that, etc.” Because I was staying at her family’s house, I grew deeper in love with this woman. At the time she was 19 and I was 18 (I am now 20 and she is 21).

I came back home to the U.S. in denial, yet couldn’t believe that I was in love with her. I had to see her one last time though, before I went on with my life (or at least try to). One year went by in agony, and in the summer of 2007 I went back “to see my family.” In all actuality, it was to see her and only her. No one else mattered to me. While I was there she kissed me in a way “she’s not supposed to.” Then began to apologize and cry, and I asked her what’s wrong.

She told me that she has fallen in love with me and she can’t help it. She thought by saying that I would never talk to her again, but I told her not to worry, because I had fallen deeply in love with her also.

At first we talked about how we will never forget each another, and we are deeply in love, but we can’t be together because of what family would say.

Three weeks went by and I did a lot of research on the internet and found out what I was experiencing is NOT abnormal, it is actually pretty common. It is common for relatives (in our case, first cousins) to meet for the first time or reunite after years of not seeing each another and fall in love. It’s a phenomenon called ‘genetic sexual attraction.’

Contrary to what we have learned in society (I also), the offspring of cousins has a very minimal risk in increasing chances for a birth defect, it is equal to a 40 year old female to have a child.

And like that, after three weeks I thought to myself, “Forget what other people think, I don’t care, I love her and it is no one's business!” We discussed it and decided the only way to be together is to get married (not to mention the fact that both of us were crazy for each another, even after a year).

With little research about Armenian law, and after a daunting task, we got married. After coming back to the United States I consulted with a lawyer and he said I’m probably going to end up having problems. After I researched Armenian family law, I found out that this:

i) Cousin marriages are not allowed

ii) Cousin marriages will be considered invalid if they will be brought up to the courts for a consideration

iii) Cousin marriages will only be considered valid if she is pregnant or a child is already born

iv) Any marriage CAN be considered valid if deemed by the court

Now you see my problem? I we must’ve slipped through the cracks, because I am a naturalized U.S. citizen, I was born in Armenia. We did not lie on anything, no forms asked if we are related and it was not asked to us verbally either.

After reading this I was devastated, I didn’t know what to do. Someone recommended me to go to Canada, she come to Canada and we get married here. I contacted an attorney in Canada, and explained my situation and she said that is just fine, she could help me out with it and it will be a no problem job.

So like that, as a 19 year old, busting my butt working 50 hours a week AND a full time college student I came to Canada as a student for one year. After six months of being here she was denied entry because a study permit has already been issued to me.

I’ve pretty much spent my life savings on this (about 10 thousand dollars) and now I’m at a dead halt. I’m beginning to become depressed as I know I have a long road ahead of me if I am forced to go to Armenia and flee with her from there. Her brother saw a picture of us that looked a little “risky” and told me that if anything is going on between us two I am a dead man.

I am in serious need of legal help and am desperate. I only have a couple thousand dollars left of student loans and my car which I will sell if I need more funds. I have worked all throughout high school, I never receive a dime from my parents (I come from a fairly poor family). It is difficult surviving the way it is, yet all the costs. I’m 20 years old and I raised some money by selling my motorcycles (I started racing motocross at 16 after I was able to earn money).

What do I need to do? How can I prove to the embassy that this is not a sham? She is the only thing helping me cling on to life right now, if I new she wasn’t in my future my fingers would slip and I would be gone.

I am willing to do anything. I have found some contacts in Armenia that will allow me to live in their home temporarily. If need be, I can move to Armenia and flee with her until things are sorted out, if need be, I can go to Armenia, officially nullify our marriage, flee to a country such as Egypt or Jordan where cousin marriages are legal and get married over there. I will do anything!

I am desperate, and there is no way I can turn to family for help .

First of all...

In some cultures, first cousins can get married....I know that many muslim families have "cousin marriages."

Secondly, I would not be too worried about the issue of Armenian marriage certificate. If you were able to get it because the Armenian government made a small mistake of not realizing that you and your wife were blood cousins, I would not let them know at all. Just go with the fact that the license was issued.

The other option is to find a country that allows "cousin marriages" and get married in that country and the marriage certificate there. Then it will be a proper and legal marriage within the law.

The USCIS accepts marriage certificates from other countries based on the laws of the foreign country. The only acception to this rule is pologymy (more than one wife).

Congratulations!

I need vacation from my vacation.

Went camping last weekend for the first time. Sleep hard (thin mats) and cold (two people sharing one sleeping bag).

Now I have frozen shoulder.

Dear Ahmed,

Maybe you can say at the time of interview the address has changed. Just say, "it is new address only from last week."

I think you are mistaken.

The person who gets interviewed is the foreigner (applicant, beneficiary) who is living outside the US. Not the American wife living in USA.

If you have a lawyer, he should have made this clear to you.

Araba and MORMP3.....

After reading some of the posts from both sides I see neither of you is completely right or wrong.

The process of immigration is stressful.

MORMP3, being a new immigrant in USA is not easy. Don't think that when you come to USA you will find a job right away and make lots of money. More than likely you will work very hard and make just enough to pay for your apartment and food. Often immigrants think that they will makes lots of money to spend as they wish, but what they don't realize everything in USA is expensive in comparison to their life back in their home country. Especially in California.

Araba, do not get frustrated if your husband does not send you money. I see where he said that even if he was denied a greencard and could not come to USA he would not give up on his marriage to you. That is good sign. However, he should have some idea of a place where you can live as man and wife.

MORMP3,

If you can not get greencard, then where do you intend to live with you wife? This is for you to suggest.

Sounds like you two need take some serious time out to communicate with one another. Marriage is a serious & sacred vow and should not be taken lightly. How old are you guys?

I AM 33 AND HE IS 26. HE WILL NOT TALK TO ME EVER I AM ALWAYS TALKING TO HIM BUT HE NOT WANT TO LISTEN TO ME AND HE WANTS TO LIVE APART AND BE MARRIED. EVEN THOUGH IF THE POSSIBLITY OF HIM NOT BEING ABLE TO COME HERE WITH ME I HAVE ALREADY OFFERED TO GIVE EVERYTHING UP HERE AND GO THERE TO BE WITH HIM BUT NO HE NOT WANT ME TO DO THAT I JUST CAN NOT BE MARRIED AND NOT ABLE TO BE WITH MY HUSBAND

Who is the foreigner to usa . im confused??

WELL MY HUSBAND IS THE FOREIGNER HE IS IN MOROCCO

I find it very strange that your husband does not want to have you in Morroco. Why? It would seem natural that married people live together no matter where they are. At least in Morroco, it's his home and he would be more at ease with how things work there. Finding a job, living with the family or getting a small flat somewhere.

And if he comes here to USA, he does not want to live with you??????

That is very strange!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something is definately wrong and I would be suspicious. I hate to say this, but if he does not want you in Morroco (where everyone knows him) there may be some thing he is hiding.

My first husband was Tibetan refugee I met while I lived in India. He came over the base camp of Mount Everest to escape Tibet and was living in India. As a refugee in India, he tried hard to find AND FOUND employment. And when he came to USA he beat the streets to find work.

He was 8 years younger than me (he was 22 - I was 30). When we argued he could be immature. But he never shirked his responsibility as a husband.

Dear Sans:

You repeat everything. Nothing has changed and your husband is still a jerk who is using you.

Advice: Keep written records of every time you call immigration about reporting your husband for immigration fraud.

Write down:

Date of call

Time of call

Name of Immigration representative you speak to

What you speak about

Later, if the government comes knocking on your door for money to pay for this husband, you can say to them, "Hey I reported this to you and here is a record of my contacting you and trying to get some action from you."

Best of luck.

Dear Baddogi:

Administrative Processing is a strange and mysterious process that happens after the interview was a success. The case gets sent back stateside for various government agencies to run name/fingerprint checks to verify the applicant is does not have a criminal or terrorist background.

I admit 8 weeks in AP for a British citizen is longer than normal, however, take a look at the MENA board (middle eastern/north african) forum and you will see many people stuck in AP for MONTHS AND MONTHS. Even up to a year!

There really is very little your Congressman can do at this stage (because 7 weeks is still a fairly short waiting period)

Best of Luck.

Nutty

Usually the National Visa Center schedules the interview.