LionessDeon

Ironic that she wanted a prenup, is worried about you taking a TV or some material object, yet will not do anything to aid you in being more independent. Does she realize that helping you drive and AOS so you can get a job could actually benefit her financially because you could help her with the bills?
Either she's very selfish, is paranoid of being taken advantage of, or does not love you.
A serious serious conversation needs to happen.
I wish you the best!

It doesn't sound typical to me and not all Americans are like that. Not wanting intimacy, grumpy around you, and not wanting to help you doesn't sound like love at all.
Does her health insurance plan have a "two person" option? This is usually cheaper than a family plan.
Sounds like some marriage counseling is in order.

Then she had no business getting married. Marriage is the joining of 2 lives and if she had no intention of doing that then she should have thought about that before saying I do. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
Why would you have to pay her money if you wreck her car? That's what car insurance is for. She's wrong....yes USCs do do all of this. It's called marriage. Collect whatever you can. Does she care about you at all? Does she want you to stay? Good Luck.

I’ll message you. 

@LionessDeon I can relate to a point - my ex is a covert narcissist, as diagnosed by a psychiatrist.  The advantage there, I suppose, is he has treatment for his disorder.  It doesn't make it any less of a blow when you're in the thick of things.  But as @JohnSebastien said, you can't beat yourself up.  Karma has a funny way of working, irrespective of how frustrating the entire situation is on multiple fronts.  
 
Echoing @Kor2USA, I think a lot of people are so hung up in the honeymoon phase and getting to that wedding that they forget (or choose ignorance) that marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment and it's HARD work.  That hard work becomes instrumentally more challenging when you're not with the right person.  Choosing not to see these flags asks for a whole world of hurt.  

Hey All,
 
I have been interested to find out if a recent post about this topic would pop up on Visa Journey. Today on my VJ email, it came up, and I have been waiting to share my story. I hope that I don't offend anyone, and I've tried to be kind of objective about an extremely subjective emotional topic.
 
Unfortunately, I am in the same situation as @LionessDeon. I am so sorry that you are going through this! Thank you for sharing your story, and know my heart goes out to you because I GET IT. 🥲
 
I am interested in finding out about other ideas of objective evidence to bring to the FDNS officer at the local USCIS office, as well as share what I was told by an attorney about reporting illegally gotten and use of immigration benefits..
 
First, It's devastating to come out of the fog of covert narcissism and know that I made this risky decision to marry someone and help him immigrate, only to verify from his sister about his true intentions: after being cheated on, abused, and abandoned when he got his permanent GC. I was love bombed at a vulnerable time, the perfect victim! I blindly vouched for him with US Immigration twice! It is humiliating to discuss this, but getting easier when I hear about others' experiences.
 
Second, an immigration attorney advised me that although I will never know what happens to him, I can report him to the ICE tip line/website, there is also an immigration fraud department at DHS where you can send an email about suspected marriage fraud, and then I just found out about bringing objective evidence to USCIS in this post.
 
Because I believe in justice, the sanctity of marriage, as well as providing immigration benefits for people who legally get them, I have reported him. I was told that if he ever at any time applies or petitions for anything or anyone, that my allegations will come up because our marriage is the reason why he immigrated to the US in the first place. It will be closely looked at because of my allegations on record. I was told that it could be soon or it could be years, but my allegations will stay on his immigration record as flags. That is the best that I can do as a federal immigration fraud victim!
 
Third, the healthiest thing to do for myself and for anyone who has experienced this, is to realize that you're not alone, this is a common problem in our immigration system, and it's not up to us to fix it. Just like any other crime, I have reported it to the federal officials who need to know, and now I'm moving on with my life.  As anyone who has been through a traumatic experience would be able to attest to, it takes a long time to heal such a wound.

Knowing that I am not alone, even on a forum such as VJ, which helped me be successful all those years ago, and that I can also come here and share honestly as well, is fantastic.  Hopefully someone will read this, and the red flags that they have been having will stop them in their tracks and slow them down so they can make a good decision  for themselves and their family. 

never be embarrassed for feeling love for another human being and trusting that love 
it is his loss 
it just amazes me that some who go thru this and DOUBT  the initial interview that the embassy makes and fight so hard to overcome a NOIR/NOID
the CO's in any embassy not only follow guidelines but they are privy to information they can not (or at least should not ) divulge to the USC
Besides red flags ,  there may be family history or past visa requests (like visa or embassy shopping ) that the Co sees and the USC knows nothing about
 
i was lucky
i fought a NOID/ i am still married over 12 years now
but i am lucky /not smart maybe/ just lucky to have a good one 
he got the green card. naturalized and is still with me/ so,  again i am lucky
 
i don't think we know much about immigration when we start the process/ and foreigners know more / this in itself should be a red flag
i didn't even know about the DV lottery
i don't think we know that the person could get the CR1 and arrive in the US and immediately leave us and we can do nothing 
the person can divorce and file waivers and we are hooked to the I 864 for 10 years
seeing all this in proper prospective ,  its scary and should scare us all

I appreciate your insight and advice. I’m not here to seek vengeance or retaliation. I’m here to share my story and my experience.  I am hoping to bring awareness to NPD and make a difference in a positive way. I have spoken with over a dozen women who sponsored Jamaican men and their stories are the same as mine.  I have a couple friends that live down there and have witnessed things first hand. It’s not all Irie and unsuspecting Americans are being taken advantage of. Yes it happens everywhere. Bad people live and hurt people from everywhere everyday. I’m telling my experience. I will let go and move on to heal most definitely. It was a huge learning experience. I pray no one else will be tricked into believing in a false persona, a fake “humble Rasta” who cried before the court of his love and devotion yet stabbed me in the back at every opportunity with his constant lies, cheating, mind games, and deceit.  

Oh yes they do indeed. I’ve read several posts about narcissistic USC bring spouses over here and abusing them.  The unsuspecting victim can come from both sides in any country. Thank you for sharing this. We all need to be aware. I hope you are healing and finding the help you need. 

ROC complete.  I assume he will quickly file for naturalization. He wanted us to file for his mother while we were married. I didn’t want to. He wasn’t working fast enough for her and she visited with a muli entry visa in 2020 and never went back. He told me he wants to file for her and “lots of people get through”. 

Thank you.  Any advice on how/what objective evidence includes?

There is actually a category on the ICE reporting site for fraudulent marriage. But knowing USCIS for reporting is good information too. 
He is currently trying to get his physically abusive brother here through a young American girl half his age that my ex works with. She has no idea what’s going on. His mother is here illegally housed at hotel chain who supplies her a room in exchange for room cleaning. 

My research has led me to this information:  there are types of NPD -
Overt narcissists are the more obvious loud boisterous arrogant ones. The outwardly draw attention to themselves commanding attention and admiration. Their abusive traits are more verbal and physical, frequently belittling, berating and even physically hurting their victim. 
Covert narcissists are much more subtle. They can even be self deprecating and appear weak to gain validation and attention.  Their abuse tactics are insidious and slight but many. Like 1,000 bee stings pinging away at your mental health little by little. 
 
There is a spectrum from just possessing some traits to full blown malignant psychopath or sociopath. 
Tactics can be any of all of pathological lying, manipulation, gaslighting, triangulation, blame shifting, isolation, stonewalling, silent treatment, “crazy making” and cognitive dissonance. 
Stages are love bombing, devaluing, and discard.  
Right!  I pray Mike doesn’t ignore that red flag!

Thank you. I will look for them. I haven’t been on VJ for several years. 
 
Thank you for your insight.  Yes, I agree probably so but I can’t help feeling if I knew of NPD I would have been more aware and cautious. I never knew people like this existed.  I wonder if victims of this are encouraged to support it to homeland security? I always heard don’t bother they can’t do anything. But statistical information and potential avenues for change could help. 

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been on this site participating in discussions.   When my husband (now ex husband) was first denied in 2014, I took it as my mission to help others in my situation. I did that for a few years.
Well now I’m back here trying to turn another negative into a positive and hoping my pain can again help others. After 5.5 years of marriage, I have discovered that I am a victim of a covert narcissist who (along with the enabling of his family) used me for a green card and a new life.  I am here to speak my truth and hopefully bring awareness to Covert Narcissism, a personality disorder rampant within a society plaqued by systemic poverty and survivalist mentality.  
Yes, now looking back I see the red flags I ignored and signs of deceit but it was so subtle and not knowing anything about covert narcissism I was completely blindsided.  
My intention is to make future posts to help point out the signs of narcissistic personality disorder so others have the knowledge that I didn’t have.  Being in a long distance relationship makes it very difficult to really know a person’s true character and intentions because of the limited time spent in person. It’s so easy for these people to hide their real self and create a fake persona of who you want them to be. I have personally heard the stories of over a dozen women that have been take advantage of by these types of people. The events and behaviors  are almost identical. 
I encourage anyone who has experienced this to share your story. I am a safe place and you can also private message me.  
 

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been on this site participating in discussions.   When my husband (now ex husband) was first denied in 2014, I took it as my mission to help others in my situation. I did that for a few years.
Well now I’m back here trying to turn another negative into a positive and hoping my pain can again help others. After 5.5 years of marriage, I have discovered that I am a victim of a covert narcissist who (along with the enabling of his family) used me for a green card and a new life.  I am here to speak my truth and hopefully bring awareness to Covert Narcissism, a personality disorder rampant within a society plaqued by systemic poverty and survivalist mentality.  
Yes, now looking back I see the red flags I ignored and signs of deceit but it was so subtle and not knowing anything about covert narcissism I was completely blindsided.  
My intention is to make future posts to help point out the signs of narcissistic personality disorder so others have the knowledge that I didn’t have.  Being in a long distance relationship makes it very difficult to really know a person’s true character and intentions because of the limited time spent in person. It’s so easy for these people to hide their real self and create a fake persona of who you want them to be. I have personally heard the stories of over a dozen women that have been take advantage of by these types of people. The events and behaviors  are almost identical. 
I encourage anyone who has experienced this to share your story. I am a safe place and you can also private message me.  
 

Oh yes they do indeed. I’ve read several posts about narcissistic USC bring spouses over here and abusing them.  The unsuspecting victim can come from both sides in any country. Thank you for sharing this. We all need to be aware. I hope you are healing and finding the help you need. 

Oh yes they do indeed. I’ve read several posts about narcissistic USC bring spouses over here and abusing them.  The unsuspecting victim can come from both sides in any country. Thank you for sharing this. We all need to be aware. I hope you are healing and finding the help you need. 

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been on this site participating in discussions.   When my husband (now ex husband) was first denied in 2014, I took it as my mission to help others in my situation. I did that for a few years.
Well now I’m back here trying to turn another negative into a positive and hoping my pain can again help others. After 5.5 years of marriage, I have discovered that I am a victim of a covert narcissist who (along with the enabling of his family) used me for a green card and a new life.  I am here to speak my truth and hopefully bring awareness to Covert Narcissism, a personality disorder rampant within a society plaqued by systemic poverty and survivalist mentality.  
Yes, now looking back I see the red flags I ignored and signs of deceit but it was so subtle and not knowing anything about covert narcissism I was completely blindsided.  
My intention is to make future posts to help point out the signs of narcissistic personality disorder so others have the knowledge that I didn’t have.  Being in a long distance relationship makes it very difficult to really know a person’s true character and intentions because of the limited time spent in person. It’s so easy for these people to hide their real self and create a fake persona of who you want them to be. I have personally heard the stories of over a dozen women that have been take advantage of by these types of people. The events and behaviors  are almost identical. 
I encourage anyone who has experienced this to share your story. I am a safe place and you can also private message me.  
 

I am sorry you that you had a bad experience and thank you for sharing this with us so we can all keep an eye out. I would like to suggest to you that even though you had to endure this terribly unpleasant ordeal, your ex-husband is the ultimate loser. Good people perform acts of kindness in good faith and they frequently - as a consequence of their benevolent and generous natures - extend them to those who are undeserving. In such instances, life has taught me that letting go is by far the best option and that the pursuit of vengeance - however gratifying in the short term - ultimately begets unease and discomfort in the long term since vengeance is against the very essence of who we are. I don't know your ex-husband, he may well be a narcissist, that is, he may possess narcissistic personality traits or he might be inflicted with full-fledged NPD - the former and latter, as I am sure you are already aware, are quite different.  He may also just be an individual without a moral compass. I had a terrible experience recently with an ex-partner and I was looking for answers too. I did a lot of research online and concluded that she had a Cluster B personality disorder. In retrospect, she may or may not have had the disorder. I am not a psychotherapist and despite my extensive research on the disorder (whose markers seemed an excellent match) I am ill-qualified to diagnose her condition. So instead of focusing on labelling her - in my attempts to come to some sort of understanding as to reasons behind the hurt she caused me (and perhaps some closure), I ultimately realized that the only way to heal was to focus on myself and to let her and her "disorder" go. No amount of research on the topic was going to help me heal and overcome. No amount of understanding was going to help to me attain closure in any capacity. Closure and healing would emanate from directing my efforts inwards as opposed to outwards in form of therapy, meditation, exercise, intellectual engagement, maintaining a positive and supportive social circle, professional advancement etc. I hope you understand that my intention is not to diminish your pain and sense of betrayal but rather to have you conserve your effort and energy by forgoing the desire for vengeance and getting even in the interest of refocusing you on you such that you can get to that place of healing sooner. Best of luck to you!

Sending you a PM. 

I think it is really important for both the USC and the foreign national to be aware of the possible issues when you marry someone you've only ever spent time with online and on vacation.
Meeting and marrying a narcissist is one problem, but you can also marry an abusive, controlling spouse and not see the red flags until you live together. 
It might also be the simple issue of not really being compatible in day to day life. 
 
But, most people are in love and won't listen to warnings.
 
So often the questions raised by members is "How fast can I bring my partner to the US?"
Not
"How do I navigate a relationship with someone from a different country/culture?"
"How do I prepare my partner for the realities of living in the US?"
"How do we navigate the difficult conversations around financial responsibilities towards family back home, frequency of visits back home and building our new life together in the US?" 
 
@LionessDeon I am so sorry you fell victim to this person and I hope the outcomes of your actions are satisfactory,  you're able to heal from the hurt. And I wish you health and happiness going forward. 
 

Yes to all of this ^^^^^^

Sorry to hear that your marriage ended like this, it must have been very painful for you after so many years and emotional investment.  All relationships have challenges to overcome, sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't, for all kinds of reasons.  Meeting and falling in love with someone from another country adds so many levels of complexity:  the long distance period, different cultures, religions, and often languages, the questions about the foreign partner's true intentions, and many others.  Thank you for sharing your experience, hopefully it will help others to be careful, to spend lots of time in person, and not rush into marriage and US immigration.  All the best in your journey going forward and your healing process.

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been on this site participating in discussions.   When my husband (now ex husband) was first denied in 2014, I took it as my mission to help others in my situation. I did that for a few years.
Well now I’m back here trying to turn another negative into a positive and hoping my pain can again help others. After 5.5 years of marriage, I have discovered that I am a victim of a covert narcissist who (along with the enabling of his family) used me for a green card and a new life.  I am here to speak my truth and hopefully bring awareness to Covert Narcissism, a personality disorder rampant within a society plaqued by systemic poverty and survivalist mentality.  
Yes, now looking back I see the red flags I ignored and signs of deceit but it was so subtle and not knowing anything about covert narcissism I was completely blindsided.  
My intention is to make future posts to help point out the signs of narcissistic personality disorder so others have the knowledge that I didn’t have.  Being in a long distance relationship makes it very difficult to really know a person’s true character and intentions because of the limited time spent in person. It’s so easy for these people to hide their real self and create a fake persona of who you want them to be. I have personally heard the stories of over a dozen women that have been take advantage of by these types of people. The events and behaviors  are almost identical. 
I encourage anyone who has experienced this to share your story. I am a safe place and you can also private message me.