Protocol417

My question is if there is anything that I should be aware of, anything that I need to do (notify USCIS, etc), and so forth. I'm approaching this out of a desire to know my responsibilities as the USC and also to be prepared with knowledge of what to expect, and what has happened to other people in these circumstances (in order to avoid any potential difficulties).
I'm not interested in him being deported, if that's what you're asking. I'm trying my best to get through this amicably because that will make both of our lives a lot easier. (Now, whether or not that happens is a little bit out of my hands; he's not particularly happy about the separation.) I want this to go as smoothly as possible so we can both go on with our lives. What he chooses to do with his life afterwards is none of my business, aside from any legal responsibilities I may have.

Link http://www.uscis.gov/i-865

Nope, no.
There is no excuse for his behavior. Nothing that she is doing or could have possibly done warrants being abused, whether it's physically, verbally, or emotionally. Domestic abuse is a crime in the US for a reason. Animal abuse is also a crime. It's true there is no perfect marriage but there is also NO reason why someone should suffer through abuse.
I really hope that you are able to find a way to get out from under this man OP. Please do not stay with someone who makes you feel unsafe or harms your animals. While I am still rather new to the Visa process so I don't have many suggestions for what sort of actions you can take regarding getting him deported, but I strongly suggest you find a safe place away from him if at all possible.

SERIOUSLY ELLOYIN!? She loved him enough to bring him here and put a roof over his head. There is NO reason for him to put his hands on her. That maybe acceptable in some other countries, but hell nah in the US!

Before you open the flood gates here, please clarify what you mean in your posting
I personally am deciphering it as you are saying that she is provoking his violent behavior!
There is no room in any relationship for any type of violence! Verbal, mental, or Physical!

IMHO, you're placing your effort and energy in the wrong cause. You need, and dare I say must, worry about yourself first.
First, get out of your house if you're a victim of domestic abuse. Visit www.thehotline.org, or call 1−800−799−7233. They can help you.
Second, get a divorce and forget about this individual.
It's not your job to worry about his immigration status. The USCIS will deal with him, within the applicable law. That's their job.
Seek help, shelter and be safe.
Good luck.

I wouldn't lose too much sleep over this. It looks like a legitimate site that just happens to be a waste of money. They have several disclaimers that are easy to spot (not hidden away in long agreements). If you try to purchase the N400 package, you see this under the Start Application button:
"US Immigration Technology LLC only provides self-help services at a user's direction. Customer support will not answer legal questions. Customer support is for technical and billing issues. All forms that can be completed online through US Immigration Technology LLC are available for free from the USCIS. Purchase price does not include application or filing fees that may be charged by any government agency. Your access to and use of this website, and any purchase made using this website, is subject to our Terms and Conditions of Use to which, by using this site and/or making any purchase, you are agreeing to be bound."
It just doesn't seem like a website set up to steal your information; they're telling you you can go somewhere else and get the same forms for free and they're telling you that the fees don't go to USCIS. They're just making money off of people who are too lazy to read the instructions. You're just out $199.

Please don't post suicide threats. Also, if you give your men any suicide threads, I can see why he gets cold feet. It's a scary and emotionally draining argument. If you take one piece of advice from this forum, just a single piece, please, please, please take this one:
DON'T GIVE PEOPLE SUICIDE THREATS.
People really don't like it. Not your fiance, and not anybody on this forum.
However, "To love a married man is wrong but I was deceived for 3 years before I knew the truth." - this speaks tonns to me in the whole moral argument. The man was wrong. It was also his decision to get involved while still being married. You were deep into the relationship before discovering the truth. The responsibility lies with him.

no one on here thinks you deserve to die or wants you to die.. I can assure you that 100%

Few comments...
1) Even if it wasn't legally documented, to have sort of wedding ceremony and honeymoon
and to file fiancee visa is treading on fraud, and should you make it to the interview,
if they uncover this, you could be denied.
2) Also since you guys were dating you while he was married, just realize that, if you guys get married,
this sort of behavior could repeat...by him or by you. That's a bit of warning sign to consider.
3) Putting you out of the picture for the moment, he had a long divorce proceeding,
which means it probably wasn't a smooth one. Therefore, he is probably traumatized right now,
and he is quite fearful of marriage falling apart and having to go through this again.
4) What you like is your choice, and what he likes is his choice.
You don't have to like what he likes, and he doesn't have to like what you like.
Both of you are simply exercising your right to declare what each of you like.
So realize that it will be hard to convince someone to like something (marriage) that he doesn't like.
5) Lastly, just because he has a change of heart now, I don't necessarily agree with some posters
calling him a bad man that just used you. I do believe that he still loves you, but he just can't
deal with another marriage and possible divorce again.
If you want to win his heart, here is my suggestion...
6) Don't press him for marriage or fiancee visa and let him recover naturally from his last divorce over time.
7) Carefully listen to things he tells you, and figure out what his needs are
and try to provide that to him.
8) At this point, I'm assuming that he needs someone that is not making any demands from him
(probably like his ex-wife), but rather be his strong companion.
9) Just like you were calculating pros and cons, he's doing the same thing without telling you all the details.
If you just focus on comforting him vs. making any demands (marriage, visa, etc.),
then you may increase the chance that he really want to be with you.
10) Finally, you should (emotionally) step away from this relationship, and really think about
do I really want to be with someone that doesn't want to marry me?
Shouldn't I find someone that really want to marry me?
Best of luck!!!

After dating someone for 14 years the excuse "things are moving too fast" doesn't fly.
It is game over. Too much analyzing over the obvious.

His love didn't stop all of a sudden you said it yourself that you had to convince him he still loved you more then once!
I'm sorry but you are not seeing the writing on the wall.
So instead of moving on you're going to have him take as much time as he needs to string you along even more. He will send you money to keep you around for when he is feeling a little lonely and he has a fallback girl.
You were his distraction when his marriage was going through things, now he is divorced he doesn't need you anymore.

Stop judging them, people. Don't put more oil in a fire! All we know is some facts, but we don't know them in person.
To OP: 14 years long love doesn't fade away this simple. Leave him alone for a while, you are hurt, you have feelings too. Give him some time, wait till he reaches out for you. God knows what is in his mind right now. He will come back to you, I am sure. Or he is an absolute fool. Be strong, Girl. I was in a similar boat, I am with you.

Break up through text after 14 years ? Lies (about being single) ? And you want to spend life with him ? Seriously ???? Run. Unless your goal is just to come to US, you should run...

Honey you are asking the wrong question. Why would you want to convince him?
You waited on him long enough, you have to love yourself first and know you are worth having a man who truly wants to be with you.

That was in 2008. People and feelings change.
He's told you the answer twice.
It's a cliche, but "it's not you; it's him."
Good things end, too.
It's now your chance to sever ties and look ahead to something even better.

So he did not evacuate with his children but he picked you ? I guess he won't get a father of the year award but man, that's cold.
You can't convince someone to love you. Love flows freely or it doesn't, why be so desperate to force love ?
He is trying to convince you that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you, when someone tells you the truth about them then listen.
It would be to your benefit to explore why you want to be with a man who was stringing you along for 14 years, married and all.
It took so long because he had to wait for his kids to grow up ? Seriously ?
If you were the other woman for 14 years then I am afraid you are experiencing life on the other side of the fence currently.
I do not understand your desperation for this man and hope you will discover your self worth some day.
Forget the visa, forget this man.

I will try to put it as nicely as I can.
NO, this man doesn't love you. Love is an action word and it means caring about well being of a person. He asked you to put your life on hold for 14 years!!! You wasted your live waiting for this assclown. You missed your youth, you missed the chance to build a normal life with a man that would devote himself to your happiness.
While he didn't miss anything. He has a wife, kids, family. I have no idea what happened in your life that made you so co-dependent that this kind of life seems like a good option for you.
I have only one advice- therapy, intense, immediately. You still have time to recover, get better, and maybe find a man for a normal healthy relationship.
By the way, if you need to 'convince' him, this is a sign of an extremely unhealthy situation. Why do you value yourself so little? Why you think you are so worthless that you need to convince anybody to be with you? I suspect, you had a very difficult upbringing, but you can't keep living your life like this. You are 40 years old, time to take charge of your own life.
And, obvioulsy, forget about him. Stop all contact immediately. You are a beautiful, worthy person, you have so much to give, you are very valuable just because you exist. You are worthy of a person who will feel lucky to be with you. Please, please, start therapy... Just go and describe what you wrote here- you don't even have to say anything.

wow. how can i say this as succinctly but as nicely as possible?

this man is a lying dirtbag. he's been playing with you for 14 years and had no intentions of marrying you. i'm sorry, i really am. you wasted a lot of time with someone who's been toying with you (telling you to wait while he lived his life with his wife and kids in another country for 14 years, wasting your youth and time, going through the motions of a fake marriage scam--including pics, reception and honeymoon).

i would recommend that you leave him alone because he's not worth the trouble and sounds like he would have treated you horribly if he'd been able to get you in a position where he had control over your life: i.e., bringing you to america away from your family and friends, and having to be dependent on him.

may i ask--did he ever give you the NOA1 filing number from when he claimed he filed for you in October 2014? i fear that he may have even lied to you about doing the k-1.

so sorry that you are going through with this, and i know you don't want to hear this--but this abandonment he just did, may have been the best thing as now you are free to find someone else who will love you for real, with honesty and integrity.

please find a way to heal and i wish you all the best for your future.

p.s. -- you said you had to convince him a few times that he loved you? that right there was a HUGE red flag--adults know whether they love someone or not. you can't convince or make anyone else love you. it doesn't work.

p.p.s -- you said that you just want to die. please don't do anything to make that a reality or feel you deserve his bad behavior towards you. he's the horrible person in this situation. it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll gradually feel better as time passes--i felt just as bad during my divorce--it will take time but eventually you'll be back to your old self. you have received a gift of a second chance to go out and build a new life for yourself.

That's insane! It's already too high... and they want to make it higher?!?!

It's either the milk, or correlation does not equal causation.
There's practically zero crime in my peaceful little town, too, but almost no one here has a gun.

Speaking as an atheist that goes to a (Unitarian) church... yes, it is a need to belong. It's also nice to have some time set aside to reflect and learn (which is why I like Unitarian churches, because the "sermons" are often like enjoyable lectures). Plus the donuts are fantastic There are also some functions that churches perform pretty well, such as support for those who are suffering loss or breakdown of marriage, or who are just looking for advice or someone to talk to. You're not really missing anything... it's like if I had a craving for samosas that you didn't share
(I may or may not be craving samosas right now.)
That said, yes, it is difficult to discuss atheism with someone who is religious. It's funny because I just had this conversation with a coworker. She couldn't believe that I was an atheist, and told me about a friend of hers who's atheist as well (actually, he turned out to be agnostic) and she said that she couldn't understand that. I think her exact words were "well, then what do you BELIEVE?" I just kind of laughed and, knowing this wasn't going to be a perfect analogy, said "well, it's kind of like not believing in leprechauns or the Easter bunny. They're myths, and there's nothing wrong with myths. They're beautiful stories that we tell each other from generation to generation, and I think that's pretty cool. Doesn't mean they're real, of course, but you know, not believing in those things doesn't mean we stop experiencing awe."

ExPat, please stop invoking the troops. It's extremely offensive. You do not speak for those who serve.

ExPat, please stop invoking the troops. It's extremely offensive. You do not speak for those who serve.

All that right wing nut job bullshite has been thoroughly debunked. Those still falling for this nonsense just show how fcuking stupid they are.