how to best use the 90 days prior to marriage k-1

[bakofoil 27]

I never said the 90 days was a get to know time.... Ive known her over a year...

I think its a good time to double check thats all

I had a very bad experience in the past and am given to moments of paranoia at times

hence the key logger statement, which was one of those things i might say but not do..

im sure no one else has ever said something that they didnt actually intend to do

You started the thread and the title suggested you were offering good advice to those of us going through this process.

I wish I didnt have trust issues, its not fun.

how do you trust completely when you are totally decieved? I dont know.

I don't think it's a good idea to marry anyone you do not trust. Especially not someone who lives a long way away. You need to resolve any trust issues before committing yourself to someone for life.

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

there are many foreign fiances that arent giving up much... and they will do and say anything to get here..

thats just the truth.. most of the people on this forum wont have this problem..

Maybe the problems you are experiencing stem from your lack of understanding of your fiancee's experience in this process. Leaving your country is not *just* about money, it's about security; leaving a network of family and friends behind. Not to mention being completely dependent on others whilst adjustment takes place.

hmm and that would be why I have paid thousands of dollars in medical care for her parents ?

im a real heartless ####### for sure.

her parents being ill could also be contributing to a difficult choice for her.

Also, I don't see how paying out thousands to help her and her family is relevant to this discussion unless you are assuming that she owes you and therefore it is ok to invade her privacy and accuse her of being less than trustworthy. It is not ok.

Work on building trust between you and enjoying the first 90 days of the rest of your life together.

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

thats not my attitude.. I think she is rescuing me actually.

thanks for your toughtful posts.

going through Manila Philippines Cebu is in the Visayas

Ah, you changed it. Okay. I'm not really up on what's happening in PI these days, but I think my argument still holds: she is not leaving her family and friends for America, she's leaving for you. If you take the attitude that you are "rescuing" her from poverty and a miserable life, you are bound to be disappointed.

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

you have a right to be judge and jury and executioner, but I wish you had better taste in a photo..

wish you could pick out something better to look at than something that points to a big ###

how bout some flowers or a sunset or something.. ???

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

there are many foreign fiances that arent giving up much... and they will do and say anything to get here..

thats just the truth.. most of the people on this forum wont have this problem..

Wow, to get a fiance who looks down on her whole way of life as worthless!

hmm and that would be why I have paid thousands of dollars in medical care for her parents ?

im a real heartless ####### for sure.

But to imply that somebody must not love or is not dedicated to their partner because they're going to give their partner the opportunity to adjust is at best naive, and at worst mean spirited.

Talk about taking out of context! hahahahaha

This conversation has NEVER been about giving the partner the 'opportunity to adjust'. This is about people thinking it's ok to treat their fiancees like chattel. To scrutinize them from the second they get here to 'make sure' the USC is not going to get 'burned'. It's deplorable to think that way IMO....especially AFTER the fiancee has given up EVERYTHING to get here.

I said this all yesterday.

But ok, b@lls to the wall time...and I'm never one to mince words so I'll say this: any USC who treats his/her partner like this....like the OP has suggested....is NOT dedicated to his/her partner...more dedicated to getting what they 'ordered'. Any person who doesn't treat his/her partner with the respect that (s)he deserves as ANY HUMAN BEING DESERVES...any person that can JUSTIFY a 'little bit of privacy invasion'....is a sad pathetic & broken excuse for a person and needs a therapist, not a spouse.

So you've bought and paid for the right to invade her privacy? That's interesting!

ur fcked in the head lady

But to imply that somebody must not love or is not dedicated to their partner because they're going to give their partner the opportunity to adjust is at best naive, and at worst mean spirited.

Talk about taking out of context! hahahahaha

This conversation has NEVER been about giving the partner the 'opportunity to adjust'. This is about people thinking it's ok to treat their fiancees like chattel. To scrutinize them from the second they get here to 'make sure' the USC is not going to get 'burned'. It's deplorable to think that way IMO....especially AFTER the fiancee has given up EVERYTHING to get here.

I said this all yesterday.

But ok, b@lls to the wall time...and I'm never one to mince words so I'll say this: any USC who treats his/her partner like this....like the OP has suggested....is NOT dedicated to his/her partner...more dedicated to getting what they 'ordered'. Any person who doesn't treat his/her partner with the respect that (s)he deserves as ANY HUMAN BEING DESERVES...any person that can JUSTIFY a 'little bit of privacy invasion'....is a sad pathetic & broken excuse for a person and needs a therapist, not a spouse.

[Shub 78]

Don't you hate it when everyone keeps quoting the same old huge-### posts? You guys are gonna bust my mouse wheel!

[Lilith79 0]

I think this topic is very interesting and highly questionable.

Personally I'm the one that will get through the huge adjustment period (I'm from Italy), but I lived in the U.S. for more than 8 months, 4 of which with my fiancé. I fit in perfectly and I started desiring my life in the U.S. after a few weeks I was in Boston. I'm not gonna give up on a small amount of friendships ans familiy tie (I will maybe face my parents and relatives dismay since Italians are all about living in the same neighborhood of their kids) but I'm eager to do that for my love AND for my desire of not staying here (I would leave anyway for somewhere in Europe).

Of course, considering the super hard situation that we face here about jobs (I graduated from grad school 2 years ago and still unemployed...) I want to leave my country cause I don't have any prospective here and my fiancé, knowing this, could be suspicious and think I'm trying to get married just for having my dream come true. We wouldn't ever get married if we hadn't lived together for a while and had a chance to know each other enough to make such decision. Personally I don't understand people who get married without having lived together, but that's completely up to them. I wouldn't use the 90 days as a test, though and my fiancé wouldn't either. He had lots of doubts before proposing (for months he said he wouldn't think about marriage) and I wouldn't blame him if he had moments in which he was afraid I could be doing that cause I was in love with his country more than with him.

I think that if a bell rings you know that it's ringing, but resorting to dishonest ways shouldn't be tolerated. I think talking about these doubts is the best thing to do. If one still feels too insecure about the OP should NOT get married (and btw I believe a few doubts are just normal and human for any of us...but there are different levels of doubts.)

[eric_and_teresa 10]

We are all not the same. What is true in your case is not true for everyone else.

Great point!

OP, not all the foreign fiances that come from third world countries are desperate to come to live in the U.S. some of us are professionals and make a good living in our own countries, and we have no other reason for moving here other than being with our loved ones. That description of a foreign fiance you gave probably fits yours... but it certanly does not apply to many of us.

I just don't understand why are you doing this all over again if you already had a bad experience with a foreign person that came from a poor back ground? Why would you put yourself on the same position of dating/marrying a woman who probably has underlying reasons to come to America, other than just love... wouldn't you better dating/marrying someone equal to you (fiancially speaking) so you would not be paranoic about her using you? Or is it that maybe you are the one who needs be with a woman you can look down on?

All I can say is that I'm really sorry for your fiance!

Edited October 24, 2007 by eric_and_teresa

[ramos96 1]

Im sorry but the OP's attitude is just horrible.

To the OP:

You need to resolve whatever your issues are before you EVEN contemplate having a relationship, as Fuked up as I am in my head at times, I would never do the things you have thought about or CHANGE the course of another human being's life just cause I want to test something out, which is basically what you are saying. I know you are saying to be cautious. I highly suggest you LISTEN to YOUR OWN ADVICE and leave this poor person and trust me they will BE POOR if they stay with YOU until you resolve your issues.

She cannot SAVE you, ONLY YOU can save you. Not even God can save you until you decide that is what you want to happen. HE just like the rest of us including your fiance is here to help you, choose wisely, this is your life, you get one chance, my friend.

Humbly,

Ramos

[Ban Hammer 14,653]

wish you could pick out something better to look at than something that points to a big ###

ur fcked in the head lady

given line two, maybe you can give her a pic of yourself to replace that pumpkin with?

[jentastic 0]

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

Whether or not we can agree giving up family, friends, and re-adjusting culturally somehow pales in comparison to some economic benefit which hasn't even been realized yet, this process is about getting to live side-by-side with your loved one for the long haul (erm, right?)

It seems you would also prioritize maintaining your described standard of living here it the States; so she's making a sacrifice you probably wouldn't be willing to do yourself. (Unless in spite of your disdain for 'poor nations,' you'd be willing to get married over there to become a citizen of the Philippines, just to be with her.) To meet your shared goal of being together, she's coming to you. That's something to be gracious and appreciative about. It seems uselessly antagonistic and condescending to discount that fact to focus on why you think where she came from is such a terrible place to live.

Edited October 24, 2007 by jentastic

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

lol

im going to fly over there and spend a couple months.. I like northwest airlines for some reason..

but i know if you shop around theres some deals out there... Im used that flight, so Ill just pay

more and take it.. Will be nice to spend christmas there.

im sorry about the tone of my original post, i was doing some morbid reflecting at the time.

my dad used to say its okay to look back at the past, but dont stare, and sometimes I stare.

on the practical side, im just going to go over there and live for awhile. One thing I like about my

fiance is her commitment to her faith. I think we can get some counseling from the church while

im there. One of the things I liked when I was there was going to church with her. Thats one of the

things we have connected on the best is when we are emailing about God. She prays all the time

and Ive always felt good about that. Ive always been impressed with her character and values.

I know she is different than my ex-wife. Sometimes I just go off the deep end.

so best wishes to everyone in this process.

wish you could pick out something better to look at than something that points to a big ###

ur fcked in the head lady

given line two, maybe you can give her a pic of yourself to replace that pumpkin with?

[AmericanGentleman 0]

I think we can get some counseling from the church while

im there.

Sorry if I missed it in the past 8 pages, but why does SHE need counciling?

[Fandango 1,440]

wish you could pick out something better to look at than something that points to a big ###

ur fcked in the head lady

given line two, maybe you can give her a pic of yourself to replace that pumpkin with?

I'mma stick with the pumpkin butt...it's more pleasing

I think we can get some counseling from the church while

im there.

Sorry if I missed it in the past 8 pages, but why does SHE need counciling?

cos she's with him and he clearly has no respect for what she's giving up to be with him!

[william_wallace 8]

I think this thread has run its course.

I second that. It's getting out of hand a wee bit

[archie07 0]

going through Manila Philippines Cebu is in the Visayas

Ah, you changed it. Okay. I'm not really up on what's happening in PI these days, but I think my argument still holds: she is not leaving her family and friends for America, she's leaving for you. If you take the attitude that you are "rescuing" her from poverty and a miserable life, you are bound to be disappointed.

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

im a troll

going through Manila Philippines Cebu is in the Visayas

Ah, you changed it. Okay. I'm not really up on what's happening in PI these days, but I think my argument still holds: she is not leaving her family and friends for America, she's leaving for you. If you take the attitude that you are "rescuing" her from poverty and a miserable life, you are bound to be disappointed.