How to deal with family's skepticism?

[sereia 0]

I'm currently going through the same problem. I did not meet my husband on the internet, however, my friends and family were still skeptical about the situation regardless of how we met. My parents had a difficult time with it at first but seem to be coming around slowly. Although my dad is convinced I'm being used for a green card and says we will see after two years if he's still around or not, and my mom throws in comments here and there about her disapproval. But its gotten better as the months have gone on. But unfortunately my oldest brother refuses to speak to us. The day of our wedding he called and threatened me (long story) and we haven't spoken since. I've even tried to be the bigger person and called him and left a nice message. He never returned my call. I think Christmas at my dad's house will be very awkward with us all there!!!!!! *sigh*

I wish you a better outcome with your situation!

Edited December 9, 2007 by sereia

[Tomandtanja 0]

Hi...

I've had same problem and occasionally I feel is still not over...Try to be patient and say with all do respect you understand their concern but this is also your life and your future. In the same situation I have told that I am happy with the decision I've made, I love my fiance but I also do understand where this concern comes from. In time am sure they will know and see that you have made the right decision for you.

Tanja

[eric&gen 0]

Its your life do what you feel if no other family agrees what your doing all well they can deal with it.

[jundp 191]

I haven't had to deal with that, mostly because my fiance is from Germany and I've had close connections to the country for years (with friends). Also, I suppose being from Europe and not a developing country makes it easier for some people to "swallow." I've had comments from people about why I can't marry an American (they aren't good enough, Jen?!) or what is wrong with him that he'd give up his country, family, future in Germany to move to America, but mostly I just ignore them. But, I've been married before and I will go through this hellish process to be with someone who makes me want to be the best person I can be. My kids adore him, and so do I. Everyone else be damned!

[JULIAFERNO 0]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I feel better knowing that I'm not in this alone (although I don't wish anyone the difficulty of having to deal with family of friends' disapproval).

It's hard to understand why some people are so judgemental and almost take someone else's life decisions personally. For me, it seems as if the people who I am the closest with are the more supportive ones, where the ones who I am related to, yet don't share as close of a relationship with are more skeptical and judgemental (and rude).

I suppose the only thing that we can do is be confident in our own decisions and not let other's issues with our choices get us in a tizzy. Maybe if they see us cool, calm, collected (and happy) through this whole process and after, they'll realize how ridiculous they are being. If not, that is their problem to deal with and not mine...because I am marrying the love of my life and I'm not going to let anyone sour that!

Edited December 9, 2007 by JULIAFERNO

[Jigi 0]

hi,

I just know one thing, My intensions are right, my love is true , then there is nothing wrong which can happen to me or my love or my life.

God Bless

Jigi

[Y's_habibitk 2]

hi,

I just know one thing, My intensions are right, my love is true , then there is nothing wrong which can happen to me or my love or my life.

God Bless

Jigi

Well said

[StoryAngel 4]

I haven't had to deal with that, mostly because my fiance is from Germany and I've had close connections to the country for years (with friends). Also, I suppose being from Europe and not a developing country makes it easier for some people to "swallow."

Not always true.... I'm the foreign fiancee, a Brit living in NL. I've been welcomed with open arms by my USC fiance's family and I'm thrilled to be becoming part of that family. MY family, however, that's a different story. Me and my SO met online, and there's been deep suspicion and skepticism from the outset with my parents; harsh words and ridiculous accusations made.

Even though the 2 of us have spent months at a time living in each other's country, my parents haven't wanted to accept our relationship. They've met my SO a couple of times and we're about to spend Christmas with them (eek!) back in England. We've been together 2.5 years and while it's better than it was with my family, I think it's going to take some more time. I've learned to stand my ground because I know the man I'm going to marry... and ultimately I'm the one marrying him and not my family!

My advice is just to be patient - really hard I know, but certainly in my case things do seem to be improving with time. And prayer!

[DeadPoolX 9]

There are a lot of negative stereotypes about the Internet (some of which are true, I'm sorry to say) and online dating/relationships. It's unfortunate that the media picks up on the relative few that turn out badly, where one of the two partners ends up resembling deli luncheon meat and stored underneath the house. When the average person hears this, they automatically think: "Oh, so that's what happens in those sick and twisted online relationships!"

Of course, the media never covers the majority of couples who meet online -- the ones who are so-called "normal" and end up having nice lives together. That doesn't make a good headline or sell papers. It's pretty much the same with those whole immigration thing and bringing over a foreign spouse. Most people (Americans, at least) tend to think of the perverted, desperate, lonely guy who's about 55 years-old catching some mail order Russian or Asian bride (who's usually in her early 20s) and bringing her here to the U.S. to turn her into the prototypical housewife, since he "can't get an American girl."

Obviously, the truth isn't like that; at least not on a wide scale. Does that happen? Of course. But then again, you don't need to be in an online relationship to meet someone outside the country or to kill your partner either. People were doing these sorts of things long before the Internet was ever available.

As for family having difficulty with your relationship... well, I've experienced that too. My fiancee is Canadian and you'd think that since Canada is at least somewhat like the United States, there would be little resistance to the whole process. Not so. At first, I was the victim of many Canadian jokes (although I was thankful I heard them and not my fiancee) and my family -- with the exception of my brother, who is pre-law -- still doesn't understand the whole immigration process and why she needs to go through it. My father, who is very smart (he's a physician) still asks if my fiancee can move with me to the U.S. when we get married, since he assumes that she would be automatically elligible to do so if she is the spouse of a U.S. citizen. He just can't (or won't) understand that it doesn't work that way.

Why is family generally like this? I'd say it's due to fear of the unknown. That fear would still be there if the fiance/fiancee or spouse was American, but at least that person's nationality and the entire process involving the relationship would be a little "closer to home." People tend to be more comfortable when they are around what they know and understand. Most individuals won't understand the immigration process nor will they know a whole lot about your partner's country and everything that goes with it. To them, they would be foreign in every sense of the word. If you met on the Internet, that's another foreign concept for most people who're parents today of children who're old enough to marry. So when you introduce all of these variables into the equation, it seems natural that many parents would be hesitant at first when regarding their son or daughter's relationship with a foreign partner.

[Alex+R 0]

My father, who is very smart (he's a physician)

This must be like the 40th time you've told us your father is a "physician," and maybe the 20th you've used that to prove that he's smart. I don't get it. Why?

Edited December 12, 2007 by Alex+R

[EricC 0]

Surprisingly my family has been pretty supportive. My friends as well. When I first announced that I was going to be marrying her, I thought people were going to think negatively. Even my cousin who was had a bad experience in this area was supportive even though she showed some concern.

[ya falaha! 0]

My family wasn't wild about the idea of me meeting my husband online or going to Egypt and getting married. My father's first words when I returned....can you undo this marriage? Now that he's here and they've met him, they like him. Have patience and try not to take anything to heart.

BTW...you two make a very cute couple.

[AnewKINDofFEELIN 0]

My father, who is very smart (he's a physician)

This must be like the 40th time you've told us your father is a "physician," and maybe the 20th you've used that to prove that he's smart. I don't get it. Why?

I think he's just pointing out that even intelligent people are ignorant about this. Are you jealous of him for having a smart dad or something?

[*JG* 2]

I had those so darn excited they were calling me all the time for updates and helpful advice. I had those who were very skeptical and it was mostly cause they just didn't understand. And, some I didn't even tell till they met Andre.

I made it very clear that I was going to do this and they would either support me or they needed to walk away. I also made it very clear that if anyone hurt Andre with any sort of rude comment, I would walk away from them.

It's been great. They loved him and accepted him the moment they met him. My Great-Aunt even turned to him first at the funeral of her sister (my grandmother) for a shoulder to cry on earlier this year.

My advice is to try not to act like you think there will be a problem. Always act and say that once they meet your SO, they will just love them. Talk as much as you can about them to give your family and friends an idea of what they are like. And, when they meet him or her, I think it is best to do it in shifts so he/she is not overwhelmed meeting all your family and friends at one time. I wanted Andre to be part of whatever group we were in, not the center of attention with all these people staring at him and firing away questions. That can be a bit overwhelming for them.

[DeadPoolX 9]

My father, who is very smart (he's a physician)

This must be like the 40th time you've told us your father is a "physician," and maybe the 20th you've used that to prove that he's smart. I don't get it. Why?

Hmmm... I guess I repeat it for two reasons:

1. Most people on here (and on many message boards) rarely read entire posts, so it's unlikely very many have actually read what I've written before.

2. I don't understand how someone who's supposedly as intelligent as my father (and could get to where he is in life) can act so dumb when it comes to the topic of immigration. It simply astounds me.