how do you say "no gifts, but money's ok"

[Carlawarla 1]

I certainly didn't expect anything for our wedding. Guests chose what to give or not give. A few asked in advance if there was something specific we wanted. We told them, their presence on our special day. We're both in our late 40's, and own our own home. Perhaps that makes a difference. We ended up receiving some money, some very unique gifts, and gift certificates. Each was given from the heart. We asked for nothing.

It's certainly just my opinion, but it should never be anyone's choice on what to receive from others. A gift is a gift.

Carla

[britty 1]

Just inform friends and family casually that you are starting a plane ticket fund but don't include it with the invitation. I agree with others that its tacky. I also find asking for money for a wedding gift is a little like begging, and I would find it cheeky if someone asked me for cash. I did know a couple who wanted a new car as a wedding gift, and sent out all their invitations with a note inside saying they wanted cash as a gift to go towards buying a nice new car. On top of that they actually called guests to make sure they hadnt bought presents and would be donating cash. There were about 100 guests and the car cost about $10,000. People were offended by being "instructed" that cash was only acceptable and needless to say, they got physical gifts and very little cash. They then actually complained to family and friends after the wedding that they would never have invited 100 people if they thought they werent going to get money.

Have you asked your mum how she feels? She might not be comfortable with this as its partly for her benefit, and you don't want her to feel like a charity case. Thats just my opinion.

[Jenn! 918]

I think people who give money anyway at weddings would not be offended by such a request. People who give gifts would be more likely to be offended, I think. So it kind of defeats the purpose.

[JenT 0]

I would never mention gifts or registries in any invitation. Allow word of mouth to suffice and be grateful for what you receive.

Jen

[Cassie 8]

This came up when my wedding shower was being planned, and one of the organizers asked my mom what would be best to tell people who wondered what would be best to give us considering our situation. Mom came to me, we discussed our wishes, and she relayed that back to the organizers. Moms are great point people in this situation

When it came to the two Open Houses we had after our wedding, our wishes were basically "just show up. we want to see you. If you want to bring a gift, fill your boots, but we are more concerned with seeing you." Again, my mom and grandmom were great in spreading the word on that one And that's what people did, if they wanted to bring something they did. And it was pretty well split down the middle between money and gifts, which was fine with us, I just added 4 more boxes to the pile the moving van had to pick up. My aunt and uncle did ask if there was anything big that we could use, we said it would be nice if we could get a BBQ grill, and between them and their kids they gave us money and a nice grill utensils set.

[Cécy 44]

Hey! This is a ways off in the future, but eventually Ombeni and I will be having a grand wedding reception! I never like receiving gifts, so I don't want any. But I would, if possible, like to ask people to donate money. We would use it for a plane ticket for my mom to visit Tanzania, and if we had extra money left over after that, we would put it towards sending Ombeni's sister to a boarding school and helping his family out.

I don't want it to look like I'm snubbing my dad, but

a) he doesn't like traveling, and he especially has no desire to visit Tanzania. Too many black people. (Don't worry, he's not racist. He just has certain "values".)

B) if he did like traveling, he could afford to do it. He could even afford to take/send my mom. But he won't, 'cause he's cheap.

I'm obviously bitter about my relationship with my dad, but I don't want that to interfere with me trying to do something amazing for my mom. She has always wanted to travel but never has; instead, she's made huge sacrifices so that her children have as many opportunities as possible.

Is there a polite, non-tacky way to express in an invitation what I want to do?

I don't know about the invitation but.

For one of my friends wedding they had a big box and it was a "honeymoon fundraising" so everyone put whatever they wanted in it, from 1€ to checks.

What you can do is not right anything on the invitation and if people ask you if you have a wedding registry, tell them that you are trying to get help for a trip to Tanzania and they can give whatever they want for it.

I liked the idea of the box because it wasn't like when you're asked for money in the church and you have the basket under your nose with everyone looking. No you can just bring an envelop and slide it in and there you go.

[no name 1]

Ohhhhhh....my grandmother and mother are turning over in their graves...... Its a day of union between 2 entire families. That union is being presented to society. There are standards of decorum and etiquette, within which people can inject their own personalities and wishes. But to "just do what you feel is best".........

Warm Regards,

Samby

There is very much a standard of etiquette alive & well in most of America...hopefully people choose to follow those rules.

[almaty 19]

I would never mention gifts or registries in any invitation. Allow word of mouth to suffice and be grateful for what you receive.

Jen

i agree with you sister jen...

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

So you get a nice set of pots and pans,dishes and silverware. The folks that gave them to you come over one night for dinner and ask how do you like the pots and pans we gave you? Your reply, ohhh we sold them on e-bay! For the cash.

That would go over like a ####### in a punch bowl.

[Miranda&James 8]

Personally I agree with the school of thought that gifts aren't to be expected, they are something special someone has decided to give you as a celebration of your occasion. I even felt bad about registering for things because it felt like I was saying you people need to give me these things (I still can't believe it when people register for wildy expensive items, it seems so presumptuous). However, a registry is appreciated in that people usually don't know what to give someone and if they decide to give a gift they would rather give people something they need, so it sounds like in your case a registry for a travel ticket (I dunno what exactly it's called) is best. As far as sending money for a family members boarding school, well although your intentions are extremely wonderful and caring in doing that, wouldn't you think that most people want to give you (and your spouse obviously) a gift, and aren't intending to pay for that? Of course if you do get cash, and I'm sure you will, it is up to you what to do for it, but to ask people to pay for that might not be taken well by others. I certainly hope I didn't sound offensive in anything I said, and I wish you both the best and most special day and hope you find a way to work this out!

[nane1104 146]

We had our reception two days before I flew out to the US...nooo way I could have handeled any presents from my family.

So I added a little sidenote on the invitations and asked to please don't give us any presents, but that money would be welcomed to buy everything we still needed (my husband basically had a complete household) in the US.

Everyone completley understood and at the end, we had money to buy new couches and a matress set!! Go my family!!

I think asking for money in situations like ours is totally fine!

[randolady 1]

I think people put too many rules on weddings, it is your day just do what you feel is best...

Ohhhhhh....my grandmother and mother are turning over in their graves...... Its a day of union between 2 entire families. That union is being presented to society. There are standards of decorum and etiquette, within which people can inject their own personalities and wishes. But to "just do what you feel is best".........

Warm Regards,

Samby

Ha! If I was so concerned about what society and our families think is best, then this union wouldn't be happening in the first place. I certainly don't want to be rude or tacky, but geeeez. I do have a sense of what is right and wrong, so of course I'll do what I think is best.

Somewhat unrelated to my original topic, but how *do* people inform guests of where they are registered?

Guh. It's all this ####### that makes me not want to do anything special at all.

[GeordieWife 1]

Often the person who throws the bridal shower (or showers....today I have g/f's who have two or three thrown for them), will include in the invitation what type of shower it is (kitchen, personal, housewares, etc), and where the couple is registered...word of mouth goes from there.

[L_n_O 3]

try using word of mouth too.. like family members or friends that are in contact with a lot of ppl from the guest list (eg: mother of the bride/groom, maid of honour etc) could easily throw in that you guys really need money over gifts when the topic comes up in conversation..

[thetreble 19]

No.

People owe you nothing, so be thankful for anything you receive.

HAHA. wow. what a response. Weddings now cost thousands of dollars. If you get invited to one, you better be bringing something!!!!

To the OP, It's definately okay to ask for cash only for your wedding. That is what we did with our family. We just didn't have a registry and got the word around that we would prefer cash because of our circumstances. (me not working because pending EAD, immigration costs, etc.) I hope your wedding is a blast!

Edited August 5, 2007 by thetreble