It is time for a DIVORCE...

[Dan J 277]

Being that she doesnt have a green card yet, there may not be a way for her to stay in the US legally. I know some people have tried it but the results are mixed.

Wether or not she wants to, she will likely have to go back home. If you are set on divorce, its best to finalize that before she leaves.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but hopefully you learned something out of it.

[metta 0]

Yes my wife and I are done. We both feel the other is not the person we fell in love with. Here are some bullet points of the situation.

- We live in Texas and have been married for 5 months.

- She is currently out of status and we have been waiting for the Green Card Interview.

- She does not want to return to her country so she plans on staying SOMEWHERE here in the U.S. Probably in Miami, FL.

- I will stop the immigration process and will not support her getting a green card. She came here with a Fiancee Visa.

- My son is staying with me for the summer with 6 more weeks to go in my 1 bedroom apartment.

The situation is not very pleasant. Her plan at the moment involves her living in my apartment during the divorce process which in Texas will last 2 months minnimum possibly 3 months. She has no job and at this point won't be contributing at all to the household. My main goal is for her to find somewhere else to live, if she does not want to go back to Colombia.

I have no problems in paying for her to go back to Colombia, but I do not want to just fork over $1,000, like she asked for so she can stay living here in Austin or fly to Miami. Though the price would be worth it if she would agree to leave the house soon.

Please offer me any advice or ways to look at this situation. I play the devil's advocate alot so if you want to speak on her behalf please do. I want to look at this at all angles. Thanks.

Five months is probably the peak of adjustment for a binational marriage.

I don't think there is any couple here on VJ who did not go through this preriod where adjustment goes all round:

1. two people two different personalities. Even if the couple were from the same neighborhood, this is a challenging task in and of itself. But binational marriages are compunded by other challenges, such as

2. overcoming culture shock and adjusting to the new culture, new environment and new life situation.

You don't need to go fqr to find people reporting post-arrival problems and many do not make it.

Some persoanlities are not adjustable, such as getting violent and abusive in which case there is no other option than to call it quits.

Though in my opinion, evenheated, angry words thrown at each other in moments of derision should not be taken too much to heart as emotional abuse.

What the sponsor needs- I say sponsor because after all, it is the sponsor's (his or her) home territory and he/she has the home advantage- to have during this phase(at least 1 to 2 years)is a lot of patience and forbearance and love.

It is a very challenging phase and often people report finding their partners totally different from what they knew before setting up house and living together for keeps :0. Of course, what else can you expect?

We all turn into different persons because now we are faced with the reality of actually living together, negotiating on every issue that touches us daily. Dealing with your partner's individual habits(especially the annoying ones), idiosyncracies, finances, friends, family, work. if you feel at times like giving all this up and going back to your previous life , then you're not alone. But often those feelings are momentary

as adjustment takes place slowly often (imperceptably) things get better and hopefully better and better.

I just want to say, if you are angry now, give it some time before you take precipitous actions. You yourself are adjusting to the new life situation and you may not really even know your mind in these times.

So, I suggest you reach down deep inside yourself to find that forbearance and patience.

Best,

metta

Edited May 28, 2007 by metta

[PachucoBro 3]

Oh and by the way, how can she possibly stay somewhere else in the US without having you as a petitioner to get her green card? I ask this as you said you were waiting for the interview.

Well How? Easy... she packs her things up and heads to where ever... across the street or across the nation. She then lives here illegally like many others have been doing for years.

As for what I had said about waiting for the interview... I meant to say that so people would know what step in the process we are in. We are/were in the process of waiting for the interview date. At this point I will be sending in a form or letter stating I no longer want to continue the process.

[PachucoBro 3]

Being that she doesnt have a green card yet, there may not be a way for her to stay in the US legally. I know some people have tried it but the results are mixed.

Wether or not she wants to, she will likely have to go back home. If you are set on divorce, its best to finalize that before she leaves.

Well this is the catch 22. As the petitioner I am legally stuck with being responsible for her, yet if we divorce how is it I am assured she will HAVE TO go back to Colombia?

I mean her plan is to say move in with a friend of her's and conitnue to live here. If the divorce process takes 2 months then when the final decree is made... how do they know where she is or anything? They don't. So as far as I know so far. She continues to live here illegally and I am still stuck with the responsibility? Does that sound correct?

[PachucoBro 3]

[so your gonna toss the baby out with the bath water?

you took a vow - in sickness and in health. trust me i am the last person on this earth to toss those words at you. I think your being a jerk. she needs you!!

I think you are a pure jerk from hell because, common things in any international relationship

you are turning your back on her. I pitty her. really alot of men would appreciate a lady like her

because, alot of men want a sweet innocent lady like what you have. your such the jerk you are- you cant see that. your tossing out a treasure.

just rember this . when you BREAK a heart. your heart will be broken 10 fold!!

The only thing I can say to reply to your extreme post that I am jerk. If the roles were reversed and I was the woman and I was posting about my husband....

He acts like a child. He takes no responsibility for his actions. I found out he has a history of depression and mental illness like suicidal acts.

Would you then be calling the american wife a jerk??? For dragging that poor man away from all that he knows? Advise her to give him more understanding and not get so mad when he arrives at 3am with some woman that is only a friend, but they just met that night at the dance club?

Sorry. There seems to be a double standard when it comes to many family situations, mainly because I am sure that in general the man is always the 'bad guy'. Well in my case it is different and being my son is here for the summer witnessing it all, I am trying to keep my cool.

Thank you for your post, I don't agree with you in the least and I doubt she would either. It is her decision to continue to try and live here illegally to gain 'something' and I am sure since she is a woman you would support her in that, but would you feel the same if it was a man leaving an american wife so he could continue to gain something here in the U.S. when he supposedly came her for love for that one person?

[Dan J 277]

Being that she doesnt have a green card yet, there may not be a way for her to stay in the US legally. I know some people have tried it but the results are mixed.

Wether or not she wants to, she will likely have to go back home. If you are set on divorce, its best to finalize that before she leaves.

Well this is the catch 22. As the petitioner I am legally stuck with being responsible for her, yet if we divorce how is it I am assured she will HAVE TO go back to Colombia?

I mean her plan is to say move in with a friend of her's and conitnue to live here. If the divorce process takes 2 months then when the final decree is made... how do they know where she is or anything? They don't. So as far as I know so far. She continues to live here illegally and I am still stuck with the responsibility? Does that sound correct?

Without a green card or being married to you, she has no legal status to remain in the US. And she cannot get a green card without being married to you. If she doesnt leave on her own, she can be deported by USCIS. All you have to do is let them know that she is out of status and not willing to leave. Provide them with her current address.

Deportation is not good if she ever wants to return to the US on another visa. So, to stay in good standing, it is in her best interest to leave on her own.

[Minya's wife 24]

Yes my wife and I are done. We both feel the other is not the person we fell in love with. Here are some bullet points of the situation.

- We live in Texas and have been married for 5 months.

- She is currently out of status and we have been waiting for the Green Card Interview.

- She does not want to return to her country so she plans on staying SOMEWHERE here in the U.S. Probably in Miami, FL.

- I will stop the immigration process and will not support her getting a green card. She came here with a Fiancee Visa.

- My son is staying with me for the summer with 6 more weeks to go in my 1 bedroom apartment.

The situation is not very pleasant. Her plan at the moment involves her living in my apartment during the divorce process which in Texas will last 2 months minnimum possibly 3 months. She has no job and at this point won't be contributing at all to the household. My main goal is for her to find somewhere else to live, if she does not want to go back to Colombia.

I have no problems in paying for her to go back to Colombia, but I do not want to just fork over $1,000, like she asked for so she can stay living here in Austin or fly to Miami. Though the price would be worth it if she would agree to leave the house soon.

Please offer me any advice or ways to look at this situation. I play the devil's advocate alot so if you want to speak on her behalf please do. I want to look at this at all angles. Thanks.

Given the bullet points you stated, and given that we do no know her side of the story it is very difficult to offer advice. In all honesty in this post, and your subsequent ones (I've read the whole thread) you come off as sounding a$$holish.

You have not really stated anything in her behavior, other than the supposed history of mental illness...which you substantiate w/ an event that took place 3 years before you met her...that would make me say that with any conviction that the marriage is over. More consideration from you, more empathy for her situation is necessary.

The fact that her actions and thought processes are childlike to you should be understandable. She is in a foreign place...does not know the lay of the land, so to speak. Of course to those of us who have lived here it seems like it is childlike thinking/behavior. In her home country she was a confident independent person because she had her footing, that was her home....here everything is new, strange, she is not used to it. Try to think of it the other way around....if you were in her country for example. I'm sure there would be many things that you would not know how to do...add to that the language barrier perhaps (not sure if this would apply to you, but I'm just throwing it out there) and the inability to work legally and you too would think and behave in a childlike manner.

If she came here on a fiancee visa, you married w/in the 90 days allowed and subsequently filed for adjustment of status, your wife is not now out of status as you state. How long ago were the AOS papers filed? Do you have the AOS interview already scheduled, biometrics done? Perhaps an interim plan may be to file for the EAD (one year validity), which would authorize your wife to work....so that she could contribute to the household give her back a little sense of independence, self-confidence.

It does sound very cruel on your part (and this is has nothing to do w/ the fact that you are a man) to have uprooted her from her home, brought her here to a strange place and then to turn her out because to you she is acting like a child. This is not said to pass judgment. All of us who go through this process and bring our SO here to live are cognizant of the fact that there will be a period of time (shorter or longer depending on circumstances) during which we have to support our spouse....emotionally or financially or both. The length of this "support" depends on each person...on how quickly AOS is processed and a whole host of other factors.

But if divorce is the route you chose, and withdraw your support for AOS.....she will have to return to her home country, otherwise she is subject to deportation and you may be held financially responsible for her.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

You have not really stated anything in her behavior, other than the supposed history of mental illness...which you substantiate w/ an event that took place 3 years before you met her...that would make me say that with any conviction that the marriage is over. More consideration from you, more empathy for her situation is necessary.

The fact that her actions and thought processes are childlike to you should be understandable. She is in a foreign place...does not know the lay of the land, so to speak. Of course to those of us who have lived here it seems like it is childlike thinking/behavior. In her home country she was a confident independent person because she had her footing, that was her home....here everything is new, strange, she is not used to it. Try to think of it the other way around....if you were in her country for example. I'm sure there would be many things that you would not know how to do...add to that the language barrier perhaps (not sure if this would apply to you, but I'm just throwing it out there) and the inability to work legally and you too would think and behave in a childlike manner.

If she came here on a fiancee visa, you married w/in the 90 days allowed and subsequently filed for adjustment of status, your wife is not now out of status as you state. How long ago were the AOS papers filed? Do you have the AOS interview already scheduled, biometrics done? Perhaps an interim plan may be to file for the EAD (one year validity), which would authorize your wife to work....so that she could contribute to the household give her back a little sense of independence, self-confidence.

It does sound very cruel on your part (and this is has nothing to do w/ the fact that you are a man) to have uprooted her from her home, brought her here to a strange place and then to turn her out because to you she is acting like a child. This is not said to pass judgment. All of us who go through this process and bring our SO here to live are cognizant of the fact that there will be a period of time (shorter or longer depending on circumstances) during which we have to support our spouse....emotionally or financially or both. The length of this "support" depends on each person...on how quickly AOS is processed and a whole host of other factors.

But if divorce is the route you chose, and withdraw your support for AOS.....she will have to return to her home country, otherwise she is subject to deportation and you may be held financially responsible for her.

I think Paula&Minya put it quite nicely. She has been uprooted from her home country and that is hard to deal with. I have worked on immigrant education for many years, and the time of adjustment is quite varied. It is NOT easy to transform all your beliefs and ways of thinking in 5 months. I kid you not, for some immigrants/refugees it takes years to make the transition. As a spouse, I think the partner's "job" if you will is to help through that transition, and sometimes it's a pain in the neck, but still part of marriage and of life.

As for your comments on mental illness I would be more cautious -for starters, 1 in every 4 adults suffer some kind of mental disorder - whether acknowledged or not. Compassion is the word I use here when I think of her... would you think the same if she had, say, diabetes? cancer? ALS? Besides, unless she is diagnosed by a psychiatrist, I would not venture a diagnosis of anything. Compassion again is the word I would use.

If there is however nothing in her and in you that may make this transition easier and the marriage stronger, try to end it in the best of terms. What happens to her afterwards, if you really do not care for her anymore, should not concern you at all. Good luck and I hope you find the best solution possible. Then again, we only know your side of the story. Sending you the best of vibes.

[tiberonsuave 0]

Yup that is pretty much how it goes. You need to get past whether or not she stays here. Simply put it is not your decision. Yes you may be on the hook to reimburse the government if she receives government assistance. You knew that when you signed the I-864 or should have.

You are very exposed. She might possibly accuse you of abusing her in order to try and stay here. Believe me she knows all of this.

It does not sound to me like she planned all this in advance just to get a green card; but, she may have. Either way you need to get past wanting to punish her by forcing her to leave.

Good luck,

T

Being that she doesnt have a green card yet, there may not be a way for her to stay in the US legally. I know some people have tried it but the results are mixed.

Wether or not she wants to, she will likely have to go back home. If you are set on divorce, its best to finalize that before she leaves.

Well this is the catch 22. As the petitioner I am legally stuck with being responsible for her, yet if we divorce how is it I am assured she will HAVE TO go back to Colombia?

I mean her plan is to say move in with a friend of her's and conitnue to live here. If the divorce process takes 2 months then when the final decree is made... how do they know where she is or anything? They don't. So as far as I know so far. She continues to live here illegally and I am still stuck with the responsibility? Does that sound correct?

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

It's honestly the OP's decision whether or not the marriage is over. Not ours.

As to the OP, as others have said, report the fact you are getting a divorce to the USCIS both over the phone and in writing.

Since she will have no legal basis to remain, you are not obliged to support her.

so your gonna toss the baby out with the bath water?

you took a vow - in sickness and in health. trust me i am the last person on this earth to toss those words at you. I think your being a jerk. she needs you!!

1st counsling

2nd job skills

3rd mental support.

I think you are a pure jerk from hell because, common things in any international relationship

you are turning your back on her. I pitty her. really alot of men would appreciate a lady like her

because, alot of men want a sweet innocent lady like what you have. your such the jerk you are- you cant see that. your tossing out a treasure.

just rember this . when you BREAK a heart. your heart will be broken 10 fold!!

I think you are quite horrible.

Here's some advice, for YOU, take English classes.

Never seen you have ANYTHING nice or constructive to say on this board.

Edited May 29, 2007 by AlienUKGirl

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Yes my wife and I are done. We both feel the other is not the person we fell in love with. Here are some bullet points of the situation.

- We live in Texas and have been married for 5 months.

- She is currently out of status and we have been waiting for the Green Card Interview.

- She does not want to return to her country so she plans on staying SOMEWHERE here in the U.S. Probably in Miami, FL.

- I will stop the immigration process and will not support her getting a green card. She came here with a Fiancee Visa.

- My son is staying with me for the summer with 6 more weeks to go in my 1 bedroom apartment.

The situation is not very pleasant. Her plan at the moment involves her living in my apartment during the divorce process which in Texas will last 2 months minnimum possibly 3 months. She has no job and at this point won't be contributing at all to the household. My main goal is for her to find somewhere else to live, if she does not want to go back to Colombia.

I have no problems in paying for her to go back to Colombia, but I do not want to just fork over $1,000, like she asked for so she can stay living here in Austin or fly to Miami. Though the price would be worth it if she would agree to leave the house soon.

Please offer me any advice or ways to look at this situation. I play the devil's advocate alot so if you want to speak on her behalf please do. I want to look at this at all angles. Thanks.

If an AOS submission has been mailed and is in process, she has "pending" PR status, but if called for an interview and the marriage is not viable in the eyes of USCIS, she could face a disappointing outcome. If you do not wish to pursue her permanent residency (why people venture to recommend what you should or should not do with a marriage, is beyond me) simply write to USCIS asking to revoke your endorsement on the I-485 and withdraw the corresponding I-864, informing USCIS that the marriage is at a terminal stage.

Edited May 29, 2007 by diadromous mermaid

[*JG* 2]

5 months is not a very long time. However, I feel as you stated....I married for a partner, not another child. I have had the very same arguments with Andre about having to pull his weight. In the end, we are a full year later now and I can say it did get better. Most of it, was probably just the newness of the situation. He didnt' have all the issues you are bringing up about your wife.

I wish you well. I hope however this situation plays itself out, it is in the best light for you.

[Michele and Adam 54]

If you have the means, I would suggest contacting an attorney. You may have already done that being that you're serious about the divorce, apparently. Your divorce attorney may be somewhat versed in immigration law, but from what I understand, it's not a hot career for an attorney so they might not be.

I would be absolutely certain you want to end this before you say anything to USCIS. I am in no way advocating you try to keep her in the country when, for all intents and purposes, you're not really married (i.e., in love, not wanting her to move out ASAP) any more and/or know that you don't/can't love her any more. It certainly doesn't sound like you would try that anyway. But, should you go through with it without being very sure, and three months later realize you made a mistake and miss her and want to try to reconcile, I think you will have a very hard time ever getting her back into the country. I have to imagine that's going to put a big "sham marriage" bulls-eye on your file, if you revoke everything now.

Again, I am not saying to lie to or deceive USCIS in any way, or try to keep her here till she gets citizenship or whatever. Just that if you do terminate everything now, that's probably the end of her ever living here, at least with you involved in any way. It's a major decision, that doesn't seem like it can easily, if at all, be undone. You won't be able to just get remarried later like you would if you were both US citizens and decided to get back together.

If you are in fact sure, then I say definitely let USCIS know in writing. You could probably just call them too, and ask what to do. As with everything in the law (and life), honesty is the best policy.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

Michele

Edited May 30, 2007 by Michele and Adam

[Michele and Adam 54]

I kind of lost my train of thought in the above post.

My point was that if you are SURE it's over, you should call USCIS and tell them your situation. Have all your paperwork in front of you. Just tell them the truth, but leave out your personal details unless asked. This is more for the customer service rep, they just want you to get to the question!

Tell them where you are in your process, and what you'd like to see happen. Since they don't represent you, they can't give you legal advice. But, they should be able to tell you if there are forms you need to fill out, etc, to make it all legal. You don't want to just write a letter and assume everything is squared away, and find out three years later that you needed to file Form R2-D2 or C-3PO. There are just too many stories of bad things happening to people when they weren't really sure they did things right to not find out from the source what to do.

So call USCIS, tell them your (short version) story and what you'd like to accomplish. They aren't going to be able to tell you, step by step, line by line, how to do it, but they should be able to provide general information, and what forms you may need, and where to get them (hopefully online). And then call again on a different day to make sure you get the same answer. If you don't think you can do it on your own based on what they are able to tell you, you may want to hire an immigration lawyer, if you can. You should probably at least be able to get a one hour consulation, just to get your questions answered, as far as HOW to fill out any forms, etc, that you may be having trouble with. Barring that, there may be a legal aid program where you live that you could get a cheaper, but less specialized, consulation. I would even go to the uscis website and see if you can find any info there. At the least, you can probably try searching "revoking sponsorhsip" or something on that site.

Again, even calling is probably going to red flag your file, so please be sure it's what you want.

And again, good luck to both of you.

Michele

[JVKn'CVO 11]

The only thing I can say to reply to your extreme post that I am jerk. If the roles were reversed and I was the woman and I was posting about my husband....

He acts like a child. He takes no responsibility for his actions. I found out he has a history of depression and mental illness like suicidal acts.

Would you then be calling the american wife a jerk??? For dragging that poor man away from all that he knows? Advise her to give him more understanding and not get so mad when he arrives at 3am with some woman that is only a friend, but they just met that night at the dance club?

Sorry. There seems to be a double standard when it comes to many family situations, mainly because I am sure that in general the man is always the 'bad guy'. Well in my case it is different and being my son is here for the summer witnessing it all, I am trying to keep my cool.

Thank you for your post, I don't agree with you in the least and I doubt she would either. It is her decision to continue to try and live here illegally to gain 'something' and I am sure since she is a woman you would support her in that, but would you feel the same if it was a man leaving an american wife so he could continue to gain something here in the U.S. when he supposedly came her for love for that one person?

Sorry to butt in...foreign here

Everyone knows the first year of married life is the most difficult one. It takes a lot of adjustement and compromise, learning how to share and be a team

Add to that the pressure of your wife adapting to a new country...

Who said it was going to be all unicorns and rainbows? that only happens in disney movies

But if you were able to overcome the long and tough visa process...I assume you loved each other a lot

Many people have overcome depression...specially with the help from someone who loves them and supports them through the process

This is a time of change for her, what better opportunity to turn the page and leave all that behind her?

I say you fight for marriage...she's your wife, your family. 5 months I'm sorry to say...it's too short of a time to give up. this is not playing house, this is real life.

This is just my point of view. Ultimately it's your call to decide if you've got what it takes to take on the commitment that is married life...

Caro,