LDR Advice, stories, help

[Mr88 1]

Hi, I'm new to the forum but I've read a few post before joining.

 

Early last year I began a relationship with a beautiful, intelligent young lady from the Philippines. I, myself am from America. With five years between the two of us, it rarely plays a role in our relationship. We began talking casually as friends but decided to give this very long distance our best try. We'd talk every day over skype for hours and use other apps to text. Very sweet, very loving. Over a span of 17 months, I've introduced her to my family, my friends, and opened my life to her. I also had the privilege of speaking to her family and making friends with her This was never really the perfect relationship because we experienced a lot of fighting and misunderstandings. Some due to my own insecurities and some on her part. 

 

There were a lot of planned trips that failed due to things happening in my life (Iost money, bad health, relocation). Through a very difficult time, she stuck with me and remained a steady part of my life. Near the end of 2016, I'd lost almost a thousand dollars in what should have been my ticket to see her. I know she experienced a lot of disappointment and hurt through all of it. Never had it taken so long for me to see someone. I'd been lucky that she waited a whole year. We often fought because I wasn't there and because of a bevy of moods that she would go through. Anger, depression. 

 

She made me happy from thousands of miles away and I've always wanted to assure her that I would do the same for her. In November of last year, I had to move out and was on the brink of homelessness. I didn't know where I'd be staying or where my next meal would come from but luckily I'd been able to move in with my uncle outside of the city. I'd planned to use the money I'd save up to fly out as soon as possible but again another obstacle. I no longer had my old job and I had to help my uncle pay past due rent. 

 

We'd talked about February but nothing would be happening in February because I'd be starting over again. I later found new work remotely, which allowed me to make ends meet, but it wasn't what I needed to fund at least a two week trip from America to the Philippines. After the plan failed through earlier this year she again became discouraged. She asked me not to give her a date but to just show up. I only wish it was that easy. I did a lot of planning alone and saw a lot of things I tried, fall through. I picked up an outside job not long ago but again it fell through, and it was gone after an injury.

 

We'd been very hopeful that we'd finally get to see each other next month, but without warning, everything took a turn for the worst. "What are we doing", "what are you doing", "I don't want to hear making steps". She'd become fed up with it all. I couldn't deliver. Not because I didn't try but because nothing ever came from those attempts. She's become cold with me and despite it all, I still showed her plenty of love and care for what's happening. It's been a while since she's been happy and I'm feeling the worst of her unhappiness. I haven't heard from her in two days since our last text/argument exchange and she said that there is no way of me coming. 

 

I've never been outside of the country and never faced an obstacle this big until now. How do I get us back on track from what seems like the lowest of the low? I almost gave up just a few days ago but I made a promise that I wouldn't do that. She'd been through enough in her past and I love her enough not be someone who just says what they will do until times get hard.  She's the only girl that my family truly knows (Talked, interact with). I want to be the man that could meet her family, build a future together.  Though I feel this way I'm fighting something that I don't understand aside from her frustrations and life circumstances. 

 

One of the biggest things that I've had confirmed for me is that...love is crazy.

 

Feel free to share your feedback, experiences, and advice. Thanks for reading my story. Let's just say this is the short version.

[Oliversmom 250]

Hi.  I don't want to discourage you.  Long Distance relationships can and do work.   But it is hard.  I visited my husband three times.  He is here now and we have been married almost five years.  And I wouldn't change anything.  But it is difficult and financially it is difficult too.  The trips are expensive.  The process of getting a visa is expensive.  Plus you have to be making enough income to sponsor her if you decide to get married.  I worked two jobs in order to do that.  I only mention this because you say you are having financial difficulties.  Again, I am not trying to discourage you.  Just some things for you to think about as you decide what to do.  Also remember if she comes here you will have to be able to provide for her and get things such as medical insurance for her.  I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you.

[Arnel villarreal 46]

Hi I know how you feel, just like what she said LDR do work but at the same time it's hard. I came all the way from Philippines and now staying for good here in Houston Texas. Being in a long distance relationship is very challenging. And it's the airfare is quite expensive. I understand her frustration that you two decided to finally meet up but unfortunately due to some issues things didn't go as what you two has planned. I know that most of the people especially from the Philippines think that money is easy here in America, that's what I think before and now I learned the truth. You have to work hard to meet all the payments. I'm praying that you two will work this out. If it's really she's your destiny in the end, it will be 🙏

[Mr88 1]

Thanks for all the feedback guys. It's true. She has a different impression of the financial situation here in the states but I'm working to help her understand. I'm willing to take on everything financially with a plan. I feel like the most important part right now is saving to see her and building from that point forward. Thank you so much for the support Oliversmom and Arnel. I'm always happy to hear from others who've been in our situation but overcame. 

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I'll echo what Oliversmom is saying.  It might even be time to be very frank with her about your financial state and tell her it might be years before you'll have the money together for immigration and visits and such.  

 

Another option that it sounds like you might need to consider in the future anyway is taking on a second job, perhaps weekends at a retail store, etc.  Realistically, besides trips, you are going to need thousands of dollars saved up for not only the immigration process, but things like new IDs, driving lessons, new household items.

 

I'd say in the 6 years or so we've known each other and moving countries twice, immigration, flights, and general LDR has cost us maybe $25k.  

[Mr88 1]

Thanks, Nola!

 

That's the current reality of the situation. She'd not exactly knowledgeable of the long term process. It's also on me for not exactly taking the initiative to educate myself on this as well. A three-week trip may take one or two months depending on the source of income. I do agree that it is the time that I do talk to her not only about expenses but our long term goals and what it will take to reach it. I'm currently looking for extra work to help with that as well. 

[p-ana 933]

If you are thinking that this relationship is real and want it to make it on the long run, the two of you need to be on the same page and work together for whatever you guys decide to do further on. Both should be saving money, getting some other part time job for extra income, reading up about immigration processes, costs, etc.

[Mr88 1]

Hi p-ana,

 

you raise a really good point. We've never really sat and discussed a long-term game plan outside of travel. Yes, we've discussed marriage, living together, etc but neglected the finer details. How much for a home, how much for travel expenses, this is what we need to save, and so on.  We managed a short conversation regarding the visa process but didn't follow up on it. I think discovering this forum was one of the best things that could happen for finding a reliable resource. I believe a lot of our troubles may stem from not having those discussions. I'm willing to put in the work but I do need to make sure she's on the same page and has the patience to take this on as well. 

[Doug&Rhea 10]

I agree with you. LDR is really hard.  I think my husband also has the insecurities that you have.  When he visited me in the Philippines it's his first time to be on airplane.  He also have difficulties with money, I think he promised me 3 dates and keeps postponing But he did it. He flew 9/11 because that's the cheapest that he can get.  I believed that Filipinas are very understanding, you just need to tell her everything so that she knows what to expect. that's my husband did.  He told me how much money he can bring and we worked with that.. You don't need to spend a lot of money during your visit, you can ask her if you can stay in their place instead of hotel.  When my husband visited he stayed at our house and I cooked for him so he didn't need to spend a lot.   Just make her understand and I'm sure she will help with financial if she can.

[Mr88 1]

Thanks, Rhea!

 

As of late, it's been difficult to have a reasonable conversation about our future and plans. I've experienced a lot of tampo and backlash due to my not being present. I've heard everything from not waiting for prince charming to this all being a fairytale relationship, which is so far from it. She says that she understands but seems to be pulling away. It's crucial moments like these that I'm curious of how couples have overcome. Patience is one of the biggest factors I feel in any relationship. Long distance or local, it's just become challenging of late to encourage the same in my partner. 

[Doug&Rhea 10]

I've also become like that at some point but my husband is just very persistent.  Whenever I don't want to talk to him he will call my parents and even my sisters.  I think just don't give up and just be there for her. And be honest and tell her everything.  

[Mr88 1]

I understand. Honestly, the last few days have been a bit odd. I've reached out to her friends before but don't have that same contact with the family. It didn't exactly go too well (big backlash and drama). I don't plan to give up on this anytime soon. I'll be there for her when I can and do my best to take care of things financially on my end. I'll be seeking extra work to save for my trip. While it seems like I'm in it alone at the moment, this is really a new thing to me (dating someone from across the world), so I'm not exactly familiar with all that's been happening. Hearing your advice, experiences, and encouragement help a lot. I'm thankful for that.