New Rules for 2007

[Minya's wife 24]

RULES FOR 2007:

New Rule: No more gift registries.

You know, it used to be just for weddings.

Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out

the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift

giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's

a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't

particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of

the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless

you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was

found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What

did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,

teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for

these kids: "Lucky bastards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,

you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If

you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care

about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle

of this at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste.

Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?

Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a

redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is

now the bottom. And by the time grandpa Figures out how to open it, his

a## will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you Just solved the

Social Security crisis .

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

a##hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandee,

half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,

extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet," ooh,

you're a huge a##hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,

entering My PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,

no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is

supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't

make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a##. And it

translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not

spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly

sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because

watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,

I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old

television shows, Then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote

so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the

reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea

wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After

I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex. I can't

even tell If he's supposed to be there, or

just some guy with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam. I

just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27

months." "He's two" Will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't

really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays

better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every

available piece of flesh.

If so, then plan your future around saying,

"Do you want fries with that?"

Edited March 30, 2007 by Paula&Minya

[WifeOHunkyJohn 2]

"He's not a cheese"

:lol:

Edited March 30, 2007 by WifeOHunkyJohn

[Jenn! 918]

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care

about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

That was obviously written by a man who is unaware what his wife would look like if she were to "leave her eyebrows alone".

[Minya's wife 24]

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care

about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

That was obviously written by a man who is unaware what his wife would look like if she were to "leave her eyebrows alone".

I think this was meant more towards the ladies that pluck or wax all the hair from their eyebrow region, then proceed to pencil an eybrow in. (I don't understand the logic there )

[almaty 19]

those were good

[~Chad~ 0]

too funny

[Kiv 32]

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,

I'll go nuts and eat two.

[Scott & Lai 12]

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care

about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

That was obviously written by a man who is unaware what his wife would look like if she were to "leave her eyebrows alone".

I think this was meant more towards the ladies that pluck or wax all the hair from their eyebrow region, then proceed to pencil an eybrow in. (I don't understand the logic there )

That's one of my pet peeves...especially when the pencil mark is in a place that is obviously not where the real ones were

[eap620 0]

"New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,

entering My PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,

no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is

supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy."

This one really cracked me up!

[knowledge 0]

[MichelleandCraig 1]

:lol: The M&Ms one really cracked me up... M.

[Private Skylark 0]

Hahaha! Some of these are hilarious

I, erm, don't get the M&M one though........

[ajames79 0]

some of those are fantastic!

[Saddle Bronc 124]

...New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

a##hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandee,

half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,

extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet," ooh,

you're a huge a##hole.

...

THAT one isn't new for 2007--it may have been new for 1977!

:lol:

Edited April 4, 2007 by CherryXS