Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!!!!!

[AngelD 0]

azcactus

I'm very sorry. There is not much to say to you about your feelings-you have every right to be upset. What I can offer is some insight into the mind of a woman with kids in the process of the K1 visa.

I am the Canadain marrying a USC. I love him, he love me. We've been together for 2 years and now have a wonderful 9 month old daughter together. It's been hard to be a family from 2700 hundred miles away (he has a 9 year old daughter and I have a 14 year old girl and 13 year old boy) not to mention new parents with the distance. We have only just sent in our petition last week.

As a woman with 2 kids that I have raised on my own, I have a life. A great job, a house (rental), friends, family. my kids have friends, boy/girlfriends, school, favorite hang outs and a life. We love our country (it's Canada -other than winter, what's not to love?). We don't live in poverty, we don't suffer from disease or have to live through wars or other unimaginable atrocities. We speak english and have health care. As much I love my fiance, as much as my kids love him like the father they have never known, as much as I love my step daughter, and as much as I love the thought of no more frikkin winter-----this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I spend weeks at a time crying over not being able to be with him everyday. Feeling like we are living two barely crossing lives. Like I am missing so much not being there with him. Or even worse, how much he is missing of our daughter's life. But even though my desire to be with him in the states as a family consumes my every thought every day and night-even when I am here in California with him--I am scared to death!

My children and I have to move--something I hate even if it is a block away. We started to sift through our lives-lives we built together one step at a time-to determine what bits and bobs will make it to the states. What do we feel is insignifacant and should be left behind. thrown out, sold. It's expensive to ship everything there and who wants to have to buy everything all over again? The kids have to switch schools (something they have had to do only once when we relocated within the province of ontario so I could get a better job--they were very young and bounced back quickly and I promised it would never happen again) They have to leave their friends and loved ones behind and start over. Some of these friends have been there for 7 years (and yes they will make more-we know that as adults but kids rarely see beyond next week). They will promise to stay in touch but we know that will never happen-it's $700 to fly and none of them can afford it. I struggle with the hope that they know that this move is in our best interest, and hope they know that we both love them so much that all we want to do is be a family. I hope that in the end they don't hate us for making them move to a new country because mommy is in love.

I have a great job that offers me full benefits in the field I am trained in. I have earned my title there and the perks that go with it and have forged relationships. It will be hard to leave. And I am afraid that I may never find the same kind of work here. Certainly not right away at the same pay.

We have health care--FREE--in Canada. Not so here. It is outrageous-especially with 3 extra kids and woman of child bearing years.

Toronto, Ontario has snow--but we don't have earthquakes-we aren't sinking into the ocean, we don't have war, we don't have Bush (no offense)

I know where the good grocery stores are and the cheapest place to buy things. I don't need a car (gas, insurance, repairs $$$$) because we have a great transit system.

In Toronto, I stand on my own. I support my family and myself. If there is a problem, I know where to go to fix it.

In the US, if anything goes wrong--god forbid--we get divorced, he dies or whatever-there is no safety net. That sucks.

I love him, he loves me and together we love all our kids. But it doesnt' mean that it isn't the scariest thing on earth to think about leaving your country. The security of everything you know and love. I can't even imagine how hard it is for anyone going through this who is coming from a country that is tremendously different to the United States. The language and cultural differences alone must be frightening. Yes, there are perks and some will have a better life for it. But there is something to be said for the devil you know.

Sorry to rant---I hope this gives you a little insight into what may be going on in her head. Of the heads of many (not all) of the non-USC Signifigant Others out there.

WE LOVE YOU USC'S, and we sacrafice a large part of ourselves to be with you as you do for us.

(if you love her like you seem to, take the trip as a way to find out what is really going on, you may be cutting of your nose to spite your face. she may just have realised the enormity of it all--I did as soon as the petition left the fed-ex building)

[NYGirl 0]

I don't think any of us have the right to judge him but in my opinion it all seems like a revenge and he might be using these 2 "new women" as a rebound. Whatever floats his boat......but yeah, since he is going to PI anyway he should definitely talk to her face to face and see if she'll feel reassured and better about it.

Edited February 22, 2007 by NYGirl

[TracyTN 237]

Robor007 is spot on. If my fiance tried to 'cancel' our plans, I'd go BUY a plane ticket and be on his doorstep in 24 hours to sort it out. I'd leave there only if he changed his mind again, or if we decided that I would move there.

Why you wouldn't use your (already purchased) plane ticket to do the same thing is beyond me.

[featherB 1]

See... earlier on today, I wanted to post and tell you that of COURSE she is scared, she is giving up everything and everyone she knows to be with you, and no matter how happy she is to be doing so, it's still going to be totally overwhelming. I also wanted to say that, although you're no doubt hurt by what's happened, you shouldn't let her go that easily, you shouldn't lose hope, and damn right, you shouldn't waste that plane ticket - you should get straight over there and find out what it is she's so afraid of, talk to her, reassure her, let her know it will all be alright, and remind her of why the two of you have stuck it out through all this waiting and uncertainty. I wanted to tell you that if what she's told you is true, and that the problem is that she's scared - you should be able to convince her that everything will be ok, that you'll always be there for her, etc etc etc, and so on... and that everything could almost certainly work out just fine.

But on second thoughts.... I can't even imagine this happening to me and my reaction being anything other than sheer, vomit-inducing terror at the thought of losing the person I'd been counting on spending the rest of my life with. Like TracyTN says - I know that if my fiance (he's the USC) told me he was having second thoughts, I'd be on the first plane out of here and on his doorstep, doing anything in my power to make him change his mind. I would be throwing up, shaking, in hysterics if something like this happened... and can't imagine ever thinking 'ah well, plenty more fish in the sea'. Like I said... I did want to tell you not to give up, and I will still say, that if you truly love this girl, and if you are serious about her, what she needs is reassurance, and for you to understand (see AngelD's wonderful post for an insight into what I'm on about here...), not for you to get angry and reinforce the idea that yes, if she leaves to be with you, she really WILL be all on her own. But judging by the fact that you seem incensed about the fact that she's 'cost' you a few thousand dollars, rather than devastated at the idea of losing the love of your life... maybe you could talk her round if you tried, but if the money is what you're upset about here, don't do it. Better for both of you this has happened now - before she's had a chance to get to the States and start experiencing culture shock and homesickness and needing you to be there for her...

Still, never mind, eh - plenty more where she came from, and maybe the others have a bit more backbone than this girl. Who needs a wife who experiences such tedious emotions as doubt and fear, hey?

[AngelD 0]

See... earlier on today, I wanted to post and tell you that of COURSE she is scared, she is giving up everything and everyone she knows to be with you, and no matter how happy she is to be doing so, it's still going to be totally overwhelming. I also wanted to say that, although you're no doubt hurt by what's happened, you shouldn't let her go that easily, you shouldn't lose hope, and damn right, you shouldn't waste that plane ticket - you should get straight over there and find out what it is she's so afraid of, talk to her, reassure her, let her know it will all be alright, and remind her of why the two of you have stuck it out through all this waiting and uncertainty. I wanted to tell you that if what she's told you is true, and that the problem is that she's scared - you should be able to convince her that everything will be ok, that you'll always be there for her, etc etc etc, and so on... and that everything could almost certainly work out just fine.

But on second thoughts.... I can't even imagine this happening to me and my reaction being anything other than sheer, vomit-inducing terror at the thought of losing the person I'd been counting on spending the rest of my life with. Like TracyTN says - I know that if my fiance (he's the USC) told me he was having second thoughts, I'd be on the first plane out of here and on his doorstep, doing anything in my power to make him change his mind. I would be throwing up, shaking, in hysterics if something like this happened... and can't imagine ever thinking 'ah well, plenty more fish in the sea'. Like I said... I did want to tell you not to give up, and I will still say, that if you truly love this girl, and if you are serious about her, what she needs is reassurance, and for you to understand (see AngelD's wonderful post for an insight into what I'm on about here...), not for you to get angry and reinforce the idea that yes, if she leaves to be with you, she really WILL be all on her own. But judging by the fact that you seem incensed about the fact that she's 'cost' you a few thousand dollars, rather than devastated at the idea of losing the love of your life... maybe you could talk her round if you tried, but if the money is what you're upset about here, don't do it. Better for both of you this has happened now - before she's had a chance to get to the States and start experiencing culture shock and homesickness and needing you to be there for her...

Still, never mind, eh - plenty more where she came from, and maybe the others have a bit more backbone than this girl. Who needs a wife who experiences such tedious emotions as doubt and fear, hey?

AMEN! ROCK ON SISTER! you can be the devil to my angel anytime! I too was torn between my response and yours. It's damn hard to be the one to give it all up for the one you love. But if I ever showed some doubt (which by the way-I have in little bits--man it's so scarey I want to pee my pants sometimes!) he has stepped up! reminded me we are a team and we can overcome anything. Had he said any less, I would be gone, gone, gone, gone! As much as I love him, as I am sure you love yours, we need to know that the sacrafices we are making are worth it. That when we cross that border, visa and life long possessions in hand that they will be there, strong and ready to tackle the world and my roller coaster of emotions! Anything less--buh-bye!

My thought, if he gives up this easily---he was just happy she "destroyed" the "dream" first so he didn't have to do it. Maybe not. If not--fight, support, live, trust, try, love, work at it! No matter who you end up marrying or being with -it's all work, it's all hard-it has to be to be worth it!

Here's to us! Here's to them! Life isn't a dress rehearsal and there are no take backs or do overs so do it the best you can the first time!

Angel

[phila 0]

This initial post tore me to my core.

I first thought- Oh my God- that could happen to me.

Asking Omer to move here, to leave his culture, his friends, his family and life is extraordinary. I am asking him to recreate his IDENTITY. That's HUGE!

AngelD- you responded so eloquently.

I understand completely how one could back out- for some it's survival. Omer moving to America will be much more difficult than me moving to Turkey. I live in an atomized "suburbia"- without sidewalks- and full of gated "communities".

I am trying not to judge, and I think perhaps you are taking her "backing out" personally. Therefore, compensating with finding other women. It might not be personal- it might just be fear.

I don't know your story, but it did indeed provide an important conversation starter for Omer and I this evening.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

Christine

[Pudum and Ken 0]

Talked to my fiancee tonite after trying to get a hold of her for three days. I called her at work and was able to talk. She said go to YM and I will tell you what is bothering me.

We meet in Ym and she tells me. " I have had a change of heart and do not want to move to USA." She says, " I am scared and do not want to follow through with it." Now bear in mind I have made plans, purchased tickets, got hotel room suite and am going to the Philippines in 25

days to see "my fiancee."

Needless to say as you can see by our timeline the ####### was totally knocked out of me. Have you ever tried to cancel internet flite and hotel tickets bought thru a broker of said things?

I am just floored. I simply wrote her an email and said I hope you can look your 5 y/o daughter in the eyes when she is 12-15 and tell her you did what you thought was best. Nerissa and I have been talking about this for 4 years and now she does this.

I have no idea how she could do this to me.

I am still going to PI in March. I saw for myself that there are millions of beautiful ladies there and who knows. End of chapter, start a new one. My life is definetly a chapter book.

Kevin

Dude,

Get a grip. You asked this woman to change her whole life for you, this is not the way to react. This lady is giving up her family, friends, job, home, country and culture and going to a land that she knows nothing about. You really need to stop and think if you love her. If you do, then go and talk with her, tell her you want her with you in your country. Tell her that she can come and see if she likes it or not. You guys have 90 days to decide if you want to get married, and if she does not want to stay , be a man and pay for a ticket and send her back home.

I have been preparing my lady's home here for her arrival. I have made a bunch of Thai lady friends here for her who Pudum has spoken to on the phone and have gotten her 2 jobs in Thai businesses so she will feel more at ease. I have gotten a satellite dish so that Pudum can get TV stations from her home land. I am doing all that I can think of to make her life change as easy as possible. We have even agreed to immediately set up a bank savings account for her and have enough money in it in the off chance she does not want to stay she can get an airline ticket and return to Thailand. I have English classes lined up for Pudum. One Thai friend even offered to assist with opening a Thai restaurant and letting Pudum and I run it.

You just need to do some homework before you do something you may regret the rest of your life. I realize this, I have waited 44 years for Pudum to come into my life and I am going to do everything in my powers to make her feel at home here with me. I love my Pudum. You can do the same.

Good luck all and best wishes.

[TimsDaisy 0]

I salute those here who are apparently more kind-hearted than I am about to be - your kind of grace is in short supply.

I cannot, however, forgive this guy for his words - even if they were hasty and served only to cover his true hurt (which if they were, I'd have expected follow up posts to be of the "well, I really meant" variety, not an emphatic relisting of his awesome financial expenditures and pre-selected dates).

The OP gives a bad name to all of us going through international marriage because his words and callous attitude toward marriage supports those who taunt us with "oooh, green card marriage/mail order bride/blah blah blah." One foreign girl, another foreign girl, whatever, just a pity he'll have to start over and will lose the filing fee, right?

Of course, on some levels, this reinforces the basic truth that marriage is a contractual arrangement. Any other import you place on the commitment comes from your personal, religious, or cultural upbringing and beliefs. But - as sort-of emphasized by the government's gracious 90 window to have a wedding to celebrate the love you had to prove on paper was a bona fide relationship - this is a transaction and as such, can fail, be renegotiated, or entered into with basically any available party anywhere.

Someone in another area of the board posted about frustrations with "mail order bride" services and was promptly jumped all over. I won't get into that post - but the thought of people like this man, who lets a fiance go (dude, whether he meant it or not, he posted it, all we have to go off of are his words, and he seems unrepentent) without much of a fight and consoles himself with the thought of finding a new date, make me ill. Mainly because he might take up more time in the queue from a deserving, loving, pair-bonded couple with an actual intention of marrying no matter what the cost or the challenges.

That guy is making all of us look bad and I, for one, don't appreciate it.

[Jasman0717 8]

I am sorry to hear of your situation, that must be a shock! I love the Philippines and the people there so am jealous of your upcoming trip. Enjoy yourself and have a good time, there are a lot of very beautiful woman to look at!

[wissooner 0]

That guy is making all of us look bad and I, for one, don't appreciate it.

I wholeheartedly agree. Looks like he gave us all a black eye today...

[sereia 0]

here, here, tim's daisy! i totally agree if all he feels is made clear by his posts. if he has left anything out he sure made himself look baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

[Kinsey 0]

I could not agree more with the following post. I also know the poster who made the thread about mail orders, and I sympathized with her reasoning behind it.

It really is a disgrace to those of us who's SO's are/were not a purchase, but instead a part of our life that we cannot live without.

I salute those here who are apparently more kind-hearted than I am about to be - your kind of grace is in short supply.

I cannot, however, forgive this guy for his words - even if they were hasty and served only to cover his true hurt (which if they were, I'd have expected follow up posts to be of the "well, I really meant" variety, not an emphatic relisting of his awesome financial expenditures and pre-selected dates).

The OP gives a bad name to all of us going through international marriage because his words and callous attitude toward marriage supports those who taunt us with "oooh, green card marriage/mail order bride/blah blah blah." One foreign girl, another foreign girl, whatever, just a pity he'll have to start over and will lose the filing fee, right?

Of course, on some levels, this reinforces the basic truth that marriage is a contractual arrangement. Any other import you place on the commitment comes from your personal, religious, or cultural upbringing and beliefs. But - as sort-of emphasized by the government's gracious 90 window to have a wedding to celebrate the love you had to prove on paper was a bona fide relationship - this is a transaction and as such, can fail, be renegotiated, or entered into with basically any available party anywhere.

Someone in another area of the board posted about frustrations with "mail order bride" services and was promptly jumped all over. I won't get into that post - but the thought of people like this man, who lets a fiance go (dude, whether he meant it or not, he posted it, all we have to go off of are his words, and he seems unrepentent) without much of a fight and consoles himself with the thought of finding a new date, make me ill. Mainly because he might take up more time in the queue from a deserving, loving, pair-bonded couple with an actual intention of marrying no matter what the cost or the challenges.

That guy is making all of us look bad and I, for one, don't appreciate it.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Im glad to hear from the other men out there, sometimes it takes a mans opinion to get thru to another man.

[me_4_musa 1]

Sorry - keep your chin up.

[ChasUK 0]

I know people who are more upset about their car breaking down beyond economical repair and having to say goodbye to it when they get a new car, than this guy is about losing the love of the woman who he was going to marry. Apparantly it's easier just to get another Philipino woman than it is to change your car.

I'm stunned.

edited to add...

...it's probably because of people filing for visas like this guy, that the rest of us have to wait months to get through it all with genuine heartache.

Edited February 23, 2007 by Gone