Marital woes

[Unidentified 2,930]

hey whats with the pound signs? I dont swear or use bad langue ever on these boards of off of them thats just strange...................

You used the C-word (the one that ends with p not t...), that's why it did it When you get email updates you get the uncensored version so I could see what word got censored.

[Teddy B 17,251]

She didn't go "out solely" with anyone: she planned to attend an event with more people with the purpose of finding friends. As far as I can tell from the info she has provided it was not an 'all men apart from her" kind of event. She wanted to go out and make new friends, what's the harm? Yes, asking asking for a ride from a man was dumb. But a lot of people seems to be freaking out about her wanting to make friends.

She arranged for a complete male stranger to pick her up in his vehicle, that is wrong on a lot of levels including being in the vehicle alone with him. In my view it really doesn't matter whether there were going to be women at this meet up or not, it was completely disrespectful to make these arrangements without including her husband. It would have been disrespectful not to include her husband even if she/they knew everyone. There is no harm in wanting to make new friends, but when you're married you need to consider your spouses feelings and respect your spouse in what you do.

Like I said earlier, some people are ok with these types of friendships and that's just fine, but I'm not one of them. In my opinion these types of male/female friendships will only cause more problems than they are worth in a relationship.

Edited June 24, 2015 by Teddy B

[Unidentified 2,930]

She arranged for a complete male stranger to pick her up in his vehicle, that is wrong on a lot of levels including being in the vehicle alone with him. In my view it really doesn't matter whether there were going to be women at this meet up or not, it was completely disrespectful to make these arrangements without including her husband. It would have been disrespectful not to include her husband even if she/they knew everyone. There is no harm in wanting to make new friends, but when you're married you need to consider your spouses feelings and respect your spouse in what you do.

Like I said earlier, some people are ok with these types of friendships and that's just fine, but I'm not one of them. In my opinion these types of male/female friendships will only cause more problems than they are worth in a relationship.

Did you not read my post? I said that it was dumb that she wanted to get a ride from a man but that people here seem to be freaking out about her making friends because apparently you're not supposed to do anything without your spouse.

[embarrassed 9]

For the record, I'm 26 and he's turning 60 in a few days. I have not given anyone my contact details, be it my cell number or my house address. I have not even RSVPed to the event because I did want to see how my husband felt about it. Unfortunately, whatever I said came out wrong and it sounded as if I had already made up my mind. If my husband had just quietly voiced his reservations, I would respect that. However, he now wants me out of the house and is telling me to make plans about staying elsewhere. He keeps on saying he can't trust me anymore. I would suggest counseling but he's been against going for it even before we married. I don't know what to do now. He told me to sleep in a separate bedroom yesterday but I slept in the same bed first and he came in later. So at least he didn't wake me up or push me out.

[Teddy B 17,251]

Did you not read my post? I said that it was dumb that she wanted to get a ride from a man but that people here seem to be freaking out about her making friends because apparently you're not supposed to do anything without your spouse.

You seem a bit uptight. There's no reason for it.

Edited June 24, 2015 by Teddy B

[Unidentified 2,930]

You seem a bit uptight. There's no reason for it.

That's just how you interpret things.

[Teddy B 17,251]

Did you not read my post? I said that it was dumb that she wanted to get a ride from a man but that people here seem to be freaking out about her making friends because apparently you're not supposed to do anything without your spouse.

No one here has said that. Everyone and every couple have their own preferences, you don't have to agree with them.

That's just how you interpret things.

Of course it is.

[Teddy B 17,251]

For the record, I'm 26 and he's turning 60 in a few days. I have not given anyone my contact details, be it my cell number or my house address. I have not even RSVPed to the event because I did want to see how my husband felt about it. Unfortunately, whatever I said came out wrong and it sounded as if I had already made up my mind. If my husband had just quietly voiced his reservations, I would respect that. However, he now wants me out of the house and is telling me to make plans about staying elsewhere. He keeps on saying he can't trust me anymore. I would suggest counseling but he's been against going for it even before we married. I don't know what to do now. He told me to sleep in a separate bedroom yesterday but I slept in the same bed first and he came in later. So at least he didn't wake me up or push me out.

Your husband appears to be very old fashioned and insecure as well. At the same time you have hidden things from him in the past which only fuels the fires of insecurity and suspicion. Having his sister in his ear doesn't help matters much either. Your husband is very set in his ways and old fashioned men do not look at counseling positively. These things must have been present earlier in the relationship, it's a shame they weren't ironed out then. This will be difficult to overcome, especially with the large age gap. Hopefully you can keep the lines of communication open and start to heal the relationship.

[_Paul&Jesica_ 70]

This is going to sound so bizarre but I'll start anyway. My husband and I live in a sprawling suburban area. He's the USC and I'm the non-USC spouse. I am attending grad school and been doing well on that end. However, it's also summertime now and many of the people I know aren't on campus and many of my compatriots are in my home country. At the same time, the only people my husband and I see are his sister and her husband. My SIL and I used to have a rapport but my relationship with her has deteriorated over the past year for no obvious reasons. She does not acknowledge me or even thanks me for inviting her to join us at events and our conversations are transactional in nature ("Embarrassed, when was the last time we went to XYZ?" "I think last July" "Oh, that's right"). My husband knows and acknowledges that his sister is a b**** but keeps on telling me to "be the bigger person". He has only gone out of his way once to let her know that I was offended by her behavior last year but she just pretends like nothing has happened between us. Naturally, I feel invisible and decide to take matters into my hands. I joined Meetup.com to connect with other internationals like myself and it turns out that one of the groups is having a meet-and-greet this Sunday. Since I don't have a vehicle of my own (husband and I commute and he picks me up), I asked if I could carpool with anyone because the venue would be quite a drive for my husband and he isn't the socializing type. I just thought I didn't want to trouble my husband since this was going to be my thing. The organizer kindly replied that he wouldn't mind giving me a ride and I was happy thinking that yay, someone is willing to carpool! Unfortunately, I conveyed all this to my husband and it blows up in my face because he's upset that I would even think about joining a "hook-up service" and that I would get into a car with a guy whom I've never met to go somewhere where I've never been. My husband tells me there must be something missing in my life that I am doing this and when I tell him he's being insecure, he says he's pissed off because he doesn't know what my intentions are, and that his sister was right all along about me being a gold-digger etc. And I'm like, "Seriously, she said that?" and he goes, "No, but she suspected you in the beginning and so you deserve her treatment!" As you can tell, this has blown up in my face for no good reason. I have changed my mind about going to the meetup but my husband says even if I'm not going, he doesn't want to spend Sunday with me at all. He says he couldn't care less if I don't come home. And that I ruined his upcoming birthday because of this. For reference, there is a sizeable age difference between us which might contribute to his behavior but I am hoping that rationality will prevail. I just feel so bad that he is upset by this and I honestly thought he'd be supportive cos I really just want to widen my social circle with people who share my experience. It just didn't occur to me that he'd be freaked out by someone giving me a ride just because it's a guy and I don't know him. Any kind words?

There are gender-specific meet-up groups.Maybe that would be a good compromise, allowing you to meet new people, while helping him with his insecurity.

[Expat1 971]

Why don't you trust her?

Has nothing to do with trust. It's a respect thing, and btw that respect works two ways. I know for sure she would be ticked if I just popped up one day and told her I signed up with an online social group and arranged for some strange woman to pick me up.

I do not however feel untrusted because of that. I do believe she would feel disrespected.

We've been married 8 years. She has friends, I have friends. We certainly aren't attached at the wrists. I still wouldn't look for friends like that and especially not friends of the opposite sex and it would bother me if she did it.

Again, that's just me. BUT: My first purchase back in 2008 after US arrival was a shiny little car and 6 weeks of high-intensity training <gasp> all alone with a slick-haired Pakistani dude too LOL

Summary: If you don't want your other seeking rides from strangers you better provide the resources so that they don't need to.

Edited June 24, 2015 by Expat1

[Expat1 971]

Did you not read my post? I said that it was dumb that she wanted to get a ride from a man but that people here seem to be freaking out about her making friends because apparently you're not supposed to do anything without your spouse.

Every married couple on here, if they do not now, will eventually have and do their own things. There is a (critical) difference between that and arranging for a stranger on the internet to pick you up and take you out.

[Expat1 971]

No one here has said that. Everyone and every couple have their own preferences, you don't have to agree with them.

Of course it is.

Teddy you are talking to someone who isn't even married yet bro. In fact it appears that US entry is in the near future and wedding is in the intermediate future. You know that this makes him an expert on these matters LOL

Edited June 24, 2015 by Expat1

[Coolbeginning 1]

Wow...huge age difference. Hey don't get it wrong. Love knows no age. Like any relationship both parties have to be determined to make it work. That means dealing with insecurties and embarrassments that could occur from generational gap, upbringing, etc...

I'm not going to try to spectulate who's wrong and take sides. But I would like to suggest that sometimes people notice or experience a behavior/issue from their partner but selects to avoid or pretend that it's not there but in long run relationship is hindered and sometimes destroyed becos the lack of being honest to 1)themselves and 2) their partner.

This blog has been going on for awhile. Maybe consider closing so you and your husband can spend time communicating each other emotional needs and wants without interference of people including myself that only have a small (very very small) glimpse of y'all life.

Good luck.

[TBoneTX 43,058]

An unnecessary comment has been edited out of the post below, which is now returned to the thread:

Are there ever such a thing as an expert in being married? Maybe the couple who has been married for 80 years.

An overly sarcastic reply to the original post has been removed. Please adhere to the OP's topic rather than addressing comments to each other.

VJ Moderation

Edited June 24, 2015 by TBoneTX

[Expat1 971]

Wow...huge age difference. Hey don't get it wrong. Love knows no age. Like any relationship both parties have to be determined to make it work. That means dealing with insecurties and embarrassments that could occur from generational gap, upbringing, etc...

I'm not going to try to spectulate who's wrong and take sides. But I would like to suggest that sometimes people notice or experience a behavior/issue from their partner but selects to avoid or pretend that it's not there but in long run relationship is hindered and sometimes destroyed becos the lack of being honest to 1)themselves and 2) their partner.

This blog has been going on for awhile. Maybe consider closing so you and your husband can spend time communicating each other emotional needs and wants without interference of people including myself that only have a small (very very small) glimpse of y'all life.

Good luck.

+1 and concur.