Jokes

[Dixie_Peach 1]

BILLY BOB AND RUFUS WORKED TOGETHER IN A GEORGIA CLOTHING

FACTORY AND BOTH WERE LAID OFF SO THEY WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.

WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID "PANTY STITCHER..... I SEW ELASTIC

INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES"..... THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY STITCHER"

AND PUT DOWN IT WAS LISTED AS UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM DOWN

FOR $300 AWEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.

SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL FITTER" ,

WHICH WAS LISTED AS A SKILLED JOB.... SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600 A WEEK...

WHEN BILLY BOB FOUND OUT HE WAS FURIOUS! HE STORMED BACK INTO

THE OFFICE TO FIND OUT WHY HIS CO-WORKER GOT TWICE THE MONEY......

THE CLERK EXPLAINED, "PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED, AND DIESEL

FITTERS ARE SKILLED LABOR"

"WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB. " I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE

PANTIES AND RUFUS PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS, "DIESEL FITTER"....!!!!

Little Firefighter

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet and had the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look, "that sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl said.

The fire fighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[mercuryroad 0]

I only know 1 joke!

Why can't you masterbate with these two fingers (holds up index and middle finger)

Because they're mine

hahahahahaha......gets me every time.

[Dixie_Peach 1]

I only know 1 joke!

Why can't you masterbate with these two fingers (holds up index and middle finger)

Because they're mine

hahahahahaha......gets me every time.

hahahahahahaha... merc, you just KILL me... i'm gonna tell that one to everybody!

[mercuryroad 0]

I only know 1 joke!

Why can't you masterbate with these two fingers (holds up index and middle finger)

Because they're mine

hahahahahaha......gets me every time.

hahahahahahaha... merc, you just KILL me... i'm gonna tell that one to everybody!

That joke is courtesy of Richard Jeni.....great comedian

It loses some of the funny being all written out like that but it cracks me up when I see the look on the other person's face hahahahaha.

[I'm Gone 60]

Guy's first day on the job as a salesman and anxious to start selling, but the seasoned salesman tells him to hang back and watch how it's done.

Customer comings in to buy some grass seed. The seasoned salesman hands the customer the bag of grass seed and says to the customer "you know you going need to water that grass seed."

The customer says "you know you are right I guess I better pick up a hose too."

The seasoned salesman hands the customer the hose and says "after you water that grass it's probably going to grow pretty tall."

The customer says "you know, you are right I guess I better pick up a lawn mower as well."

The seasoned salesman rings up the sale and the customer thanks the seasoned salesman for being so helpful.

By the this time the new guy is rearing to go to work selling and says to the seasoned salesman "OK OK I got it, I can do this."

The seasoned salesman "says OK we'll see, I'll let try the next customer."

Woman walks in and comes up to the counter and says to the new guy "I need a box of Kotex."

The new guy hands her the box of Kotex and says to the woman "by the way would you like to buy a lawn mover."

The woman puzzled looks at the new guy and says "a lawn mover?"

The new guy all full of himself says to the woman " You can't f **k, you might as well mow the grass."

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Ok... got this one in email today... think aussiewench would like this one!

SEE IF YOU CAN READ THIS WITHOUT LAUGHING!!! I COULD NOT!!!!!

Aircraft Maintenance

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions

recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget!

[almaty 19]

Guy's first day on the job as a salesman and anxious to start selling, but the seasoned salesman tells him to hang back and watch how it's done.

Customer comings in to buy some grass seed. The seasoned salesman hands the customer the bag of grass seed and says to the customer "you know you going need to water that grass seed."

The customer says "you know you are right I guess I better pick up a hose too."

The seasoned salesman hands the customer the hose and says "after you water that grass it's probably going to grow pretty tall."

The customer says "you know, you are right I guess I better pick up a lawn mower as well."

The seasoned salesman rings up the sale and the customer thanks the seasoned salesman for being so helpful.

By the this time the new guy is rearing to go to work selling and says to the seasoned salesman "OK OK I got it, I can do this."

The seasoned salesman "says OK we'll see, I'll let try the next customer."

Woman walks in and comes up to the counter and says to the new guy "I need a box of Kotex."

The new guy hands her the box of Kotex and says to the woman "by the way would you like to buy a lawn mover."

The woman puzzled looks at the new guy and says "a lawn mover?"

The new guy all full of himself says to the woman " You can't f **k, you might as well mow the grass."

[Dixie_Peach 1]

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard

the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and

placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[Mand 1]

Ok... got this one in email today... think aussiewench would like this one!

SEE IF YOU CAN READ THIS WITHOUT LAUGHING!!! I COULD NOT!!!!!

Aircraft Maintenance

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions

recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget!

Thanks for those!!!

[almaty 19]

like the talking frog

[pax 0]

A bunch of guys are sitting in a bar at the top of a tall skyscraper. As they get drunker, they begin to boast of their various accomplishments and abilities. One of the guys says, to top them all, "I bet I can jump out of that window and not die!"

Impressed, the other guys urge him to do it. He goes to the window, opens it, and jumps. He falls and falls until halting just above the ground, and floats to the sidewalk, landing easily on two feet. The other guys are amazed.

When he gets back to the bar, the other guys demand to know how he did it. He says, "Well, it's easy--there's an air vent in the sidewalk, see, right where I jumped. The air breaks your fall and lets you land like I did. Give it a try."

So all the other guys go to the window. All of them jump, and they all splatter and die. Meanwhile the first guy is chuckling to himself at the bar, and the bartender shakes his head and says, "You know something, Superman, you're a real a*shole when you're drunk."

[MaryandMian 1]

The Boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees

about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employee's home phone number and

was greeted with a Child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The Child whispered,

"No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult,

the Boss asked,

"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered,

"No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could

leave a message, the Boss asked,

"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child,

" Police

Officer."

Wondering what a Officer would be doing at his

employee's home the Boss asked,

"May I speak with the Police Officer?"

"No, he's busy",

whispered the Child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,"

came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he

heard what sounded like a

helicopter through the ear piece on the phone

the Boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?"

asked the Boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the Child answered,

"The search team just landed

the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little

frustrated; the Boss

asked,

"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering,

the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

[pri 0]

Lil Jhonny

from the time lil johhny was born till time for school,he never lost a bet,

no matter what ,he would win.so the first day of school,his mother

told the teacher"my son is a gifted student,he’s never lost a bet.so

about 6 weeks went by an lil johnny said "teacher, I bet you $5 dollars

that you have white panties on." teacher said "ok"but the recess bell rang

lil johhny had to go out to play. while he was outside the teacher took off

the panties, lil johnny came back in and said "teacher the bet is still on,

the teacher said "ok lil johnny," she pulled up her skirt and all he seen

was her hairy #####. so she gave lil johnny a letter to give to his mom.

lil johnny walked in the back door, handed the letter to his mom.

mom freked out’ "honey, lil johnny lost the first bet he’s ever lost he

bet the teacher $5 dollars she was wearing white panties, and all he

seen was her hairy #####. LIL JOHNNY DAD CAME OUT OF THE BATH- ROOM AND SAID " THAT LIL #### BET ME $300 that

he was going to see the teacher’s ##### before the day was out!!!!

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question, 'What part of your body gets to heven first?' 3 students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, 'I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something perverted.' So she picks on Jenny first who says, 'I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart.' The teacher then calls on Jim who says, 'I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart.' Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself 'Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny.' She picks him and he says, 'I think your feet get to heaven first.' The relieved teacher asks him, 'Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?' Johnny says, 'Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was sayin 'Oh God I'm cummin'!''

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" The dad answered, " Your mom".

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend."

A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?" Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go." Johnny was MAD.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go." Johnny was even MADDER than before.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go." Johnny was BOILING MAD.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut." The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

Edited March 25, 2006 by pri

[Fuzzness 2]

I have a Liverpool jokes...

Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

------

and Manchester United jokes...

DISCLAIMER: If you are a Manchester United supporter DO NOT READ ON!

ok i warned you

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?

A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?

A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.

Manchester United have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.

The number is 0800 10 10 10.

Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.

Once again the number is

0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

Q: What's the difference between listening to Alex Ferguson's after-match interview and childbirth?

A: One's an extremely painful almost unbearable experience, and the other one's just having a baby.

Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the naked body of a deceased young woman.

Being a gentleman, the first guy dropped his Arsenal hat over one breast. The second guy, a Chelsea fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Manchester United fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part.

Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Arsenal hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Chelsea hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Manchester United hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Manchester United fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?"

The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Manchester United hats there's an arsehole under it."

Edited March 25, 2006 by Fuzzness

[yassmine2878 1]

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was alreadyasleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen".

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're sh**ting in the bed"