Stress and life in the US

[abbi627 43]

Hey guys. I'm just taking a break from anything petition related (LOL). It is now finished and I am just waiting to get the G325A back from my husband and I will file it.

Anyway I was just thinking about how different life is here from the way it is in Morocco. I have tried to explain to my husband about how stressful life is here and how different it is. My husband is a very laid-back person. Nothing rattles him. And he says he understands it is stressful here. But does he really get it? I have to wonder how he will handle it. I try to make sure he is prepared for what it will be like here.

Do any of you wonder if your husband reallys gets it about life here? And those of you who have your husbands here with you - how did they handle it? Was it a huge shock to them or did they really know what to expect?

[moroccogirlny 100]

The first year is the hardest! Just take it day by day and have patience. When my husband arrived here I made sure he got acquainted with his surroundings. He signed up for ESL classes which helped him meet other people who were new immigrants as well. Once he received his EAD he felt confident enough to look for a job on his own and succeeded fast. There were some bumps along the way but we managed. We now look back and laugh! Enjoy the calm before the storm lol

[Mithra 1,185]

My husband is also laid back but that didn't prevent life from being rough for the first few years. Yes, years. Nothing could've prepared him for how life is here. He still fully believes that life here is better and there are better opportunities here but he did learn the hard way that things do not come easy. That realization was probably the hardest part. When I look back at the past 6 years since he's come here, I'm still surprised we made it. There were so many times I wanted to throw in the towel and I'm sure he probably feels the same.

[Ozz777 23]

May I ask how life is stressful in the US, in contrast to Morocco?

[Heather&Ramy 22]

It's an interesting discussion, because I think both my fiancé and I tend to think of Egypt as more stressful. My fiance is an Egyptian Protestant Christian and he has had to deal his whole life with being a minority in a country whose religion and government/public life are not as separate as ours. He has to deal with a lot of hassle and worry especially related to protecting his mom and sister, and he doesn't enjoy my visits for the same reason. While in some ways America has a faster pace, there are other ways in which he might feel more comfortable here and not less. It's really popular for Americans to be critical of their own country, and many times it is warranted, but I think he's going to enjoy the "freedom" we often scoff at or take for granted.

However, people usually become attached to what they grow up with. He disagrees with me, but I predict there are going to be a lot of things he will miss as well. We'll see! I really like Egypt too, although it is more uncomfortable for me for those same religious/social reasons, so I'm interested to see how our perspectives of both countries develop.

[Happytobe 164]

I tell my husband, too... He wants to retire to Morocco. Which is great, but to get to the point of being able to..... I don't think he realizes how long it will be..... He's so optimistic! All I can do is be here for him and work with him to achieve that goal.

[abbi627 43]

Yeah my husband is so optimisitic too. And so full of dreams. I know he can be successful here. He is a hard worker. But I just don't think anything I tell him is going to prepare him for the changes he is going to face. That worries me. And he is so close with his family. I love watching him with his parents and his siblings. It makes me feel sad to imagine how it is going to feel for him to say goodbye to them. I think it is going to be much harder than he has imagined.

Someone asked about the difference in Morocco and the US. Well this is what I noticed. My husband lives on a farm in a village. So they work very hard. It is not an easy life. Not at all. But it is a simpler life. There is no rush to the day. My husband does not own a watch. Things get done when they get done. Three times a day the family gathers together for meals. And it is not a hurried grab something to eat and hurry out the door meal. Everyone sits together and eats and then talks and laughs. I miss those family meals. Prayer times are important times of the day too.

My husband works very very hard. I have seen him have to work all through the night. I have seen him working in the hot sun in terrible heat. He knows all about hard work. But I think he will miss the more simple family oriented life that he has lived all his life. He is used to staying up late talking and watching TV with his family. Sometimes eating dinner at 11:00 pm or later. Here he will have to be getting up to an alarm clock ringing at 5:00 am and get dressed and get to work and you have to hurry because it is rush hour and traffiic is bad. The stress of working for someone else. The stress of money - I don't think he gets it just how high the cost of living is here. The prejudice he may have to face from others.

But I just want him to hurry and be here. I can imagine the adjustment will not be easy. That's why I am already thinking ahead of ways to make things easier for him.

[Ozz777 23]

Yeah my husband is so optimisitic too. And so full of dreams. I know he can be successful here. He is a hard worker. But I just don't think anything I tell him is going to prepare him for the changes he is going to face. That worries me. And he is so close with his family. I love watching him with his parents and his siblings. It makes me feel sad to imagine how it is going to feel for him to say goodbye to them. I think it is going to be much harder than he has imagined.

Someone asked about the difference in Morocco and the US. Well this is what I noticed. My husband lives on a farm in a village. So they work very hard. It is not an easy life. Not at all. But it is a simpler life. There is no rush to the day. My husband does not own a watch. Things get done when they get done. Three times a day the family gathers together for meals. And it is not a hurried grab something to eat and hurry out the door meal. Everyone sits together and eats and then talks and laughs. I miss those family meals. Prayer times are important times of the day too.

My husband works very very hard. I have seen him have to work all through the night. I have seen him working in the hot sun in terrible heat. He knows all about hard work. But I think he will miss the more simple family oriented life that he has lived all his life. He is used to staying up late talking and watching TV with his family. Sometimes eating dinner at 11:00 pm or later. Here he will have to be getting up to an alarm clock ringing at 5:00 am and get dressed and get to work and you have to hurry because it is rush hour and traffiic is bad. The stress of working for someone else. The stress of money - I don't think he gets it just how high the cost of living is here. The prejudice he may have to face from others.

But I just want him to hurry and be here. I can imagine the adjustment will not be easy. That's why I am already thinking ahead of ways to make things easier for him.

We could always use more good, organic farmers in America. And I know many farmers here, who live that same lifestyle that you mention. Family, hard work and faith.

Edited August 5, 2013 by Ozz777

[mymarriagejourney 112]

I'm glad my husband and I weren't married the first year he was in the US.

He came here as a student. I knew him before he came, as I had been to Jordan as an intern twice. He did stay in my home, but he had his own room and we had a rather undefined, grey-area friendship/relationship. If we had been engaged or married for that first year, I don't think we would have survived it.

He's not a laid back kind of guy, a little obsessive/compulsive, and does not adapt to change quickly. The first year SUCKED, and particularly the first 6 months. He had multiple freak-outs.

BUT

I think that year helped him realize what he wanted from his life and from me, and I don't think he could have come to those conclusions without the major disruption in his life caused by his move here. Now, he misses people from home, but he does not miss the life there. It's hard here, but at least he sees a future...

[mahboula 11]

I have tried to explain to my husband about how stressful life is here and how different it is. My husband is a very laid-back person. Nothing rattles him. And he says he understands it is stressful here. But does he really get it? I have to wonder how he will handle it.

My husband appeared to be a very "laid back" person as well. What I didn't realize before he came was that he simply didn't have much to stress out about. He lived with his mother and father = no family to support, no rent/mortgage to pay. He had his own little store and went to work when he felt like it--"I'll be in around nine or ten" doesn't really fly here when you're expected to be at work. He had no children, no car payment, the HOA wasn't up his azz because the grass was two inches too long. When he said "I'll be there in ten minutes", it really meant sometime within the next hour or so. So he was laid back because he could be.

I did try to explain to him what to expect when he got here, but either he didn't believe it, or he didn't understand.

My husband is also laid back but that didn't prevent life from being rough for the first few years. Yes, years. Nothing could've prepared him for how life is here. He still fully believes that life here is better and there are better opportunities here but he did learn the hard way that things do not come easy. That realization was probably the hardest part. When I look back at the past 6 years since he's come here, I'm still surprised we made it. There were so many times I wanted to throw in the towel and I'm sure he probably feels the same.

^^^ ditto to everything she said.

[Mithra 1,185]

Bingo! That is exactly what it is...laid back due to not having any big responsibilities. Yes, my husband had a job and yes, he worked long hours but he didn't have anything to really worry about. His mother and sisters catered to him. He didn't have kids, a house, or a wife to deal with. Even though we were married for a year before he came to the US, he didn't have a wife to deal with. So yeah exactly everything mahboula says are reasons for the laid back attitude. My husband was not/is not as laid back here as he was in Egypt. He tried to be because he was new here and had a wife who he THOUGHT was going to take care of everything. That got old quick and contributed to many of our problems. He did finally realize that having me do everything was not helping him at all.

My husband appeared to be a very "laid back" person as well. What I didn't realize before he came was that he simply didn't have much to stress out about. He lived with his mother and father = no family to support, no rent/mortgage to pay. He had his own little store and went to work when he felt like it--"I'll be in around nine or ten" doesn't really fly here when you're expected to be at work. He had no children, no car payment, the HOA wasn't up his azz because the grass was two inches too long. When he said "I'll be there in ten minutes", it really meant sometime within the next hour or so. So he was laid back because he could be.

I did try to explain to him what to expect when he got here, but either he didn't believe it, or he didn't understand.

^^^ ditto to everything she said.

Obviously YMMV and not everyone's situation is the same. It's awesome when a man can come here and everything falls into place and he assumes the responsibility that he signed up for, etc. It can happen but it's rare.

[sandinista! 1,816]

avoiding the "mena imported son syndrome" is crucial. these are grown men. treating them as such doesn't always guarantee they will act like grown men, but there's no upside whatsoever to treating them like petulant teenagers

[Cathi 5,611]

My husband is still in his first year here, there has been a lot of stress, for the both of us. He is from a wealthy family in Amman, and before he was here, money was never an issue for him. He lived at home with a mom who cooked every meal, with a live in housekeeper, everything was done for him his entire life until he entered the US. He did work full time, but it was a very low stress job, it was more of a social thing. I work full time, and my schedule is never the same as I work in a hotel, and in that industry things are constantly changing depending upon the time of year and occupancy, so I am not here many nights to cook dinner, I get home at 9pm or later. My days off I spend cleaning the house, doing laundry, shopping for the week and running around with the kids, so I am not available to do many of the things he is used to. He has never complained once, he pitches in and does what he can whenever he can, and ALWAYS with a smile on his face, he is a happy guy.

It took 5 months before he found a job here, and it was at Wal-mart Distribution center loading trailers, a far cry from his computer engineering job in Jordan, but of course, being the happy guy he is, he was glad he finally found employment.After about 2 months at the hell hole of Wal-mart he injured his back, and his scum bag of a manager lied to the workers comp insurance company, stating he didn't injure his back in work, so they denied his claim and forced him into unpaid leave of absence for 8 weeks. We hired a lawyer, and he won his case in front of the Dept of labor, they paid him 60% of his back pay, 20% of which went to paying the attorney. The dept of labor ordered Wal-mart to put him back to work light duty, and after returning to work for 2 weeks, they fired him. His manager said he was late coming back from break by 2 minutes, which he knows he wasn't, and they fired him for it. So you want to talk about stress? It has been overwhelming. The entire time he never once complained and stayed calm, cool and collected. Me, not so much. I am beyond pissed off that they have done this to him. He needs surgery on his back, and all his manager cared about was getting him fired. It was in direct retaliation because of the fact that his manager's lies came out at the DOL hearing. SO now back to hiring another attorney who specializes in wrongful termination.

Right before he was fired he got an internship in his field, working for an international high tech company that he was supposed to work on his days off from Wal-mart, FINALLY someone willing to give him a chance. When he was fired he approached them to ask if he could work full time, and they said yes The job is a contract that ends in December, but there is a very good chance they will hire him permanently at the end.

As his wife I just want him to be happy. Although he loves it here in NH, he misses the fast pace of Amman. He talks to his family and friends in one way or another every day. We get along great, and we are always laughing. Money is tight for now as I have a son starting college in a few weeks, but we will get through it. It's nice being married to someone who looks at everything in life with a positive attitude. Life is always stressful no matter who you are, or where you are from, you just have to make the best of it and you will be fine!!!

[mymarriagejourney 112]

Haha! My husband was a bit of a spoiled rich kid, too. He and his family never worried about money, and now he's learning what that's like. It won't last forever, as both of us will be finishing school in the next year or so, but for now it's a struggle. It sounds like something my grandmother would say, but I honestly think it's good for him.

[abbi627 43]

I will say this. Even though I am worried about my husband adjusting to life here in the USA - it is not because he is spoiled. I lived there long enough to see that. He washes his own clothes. He helps with the cooking. He has no problem cleaning the house. In fact I saw all of his brothers doing this. He can cook, clean and sew better than I can LOL. So that is not really a worry for me. My worry is about the difference in lifestyle, the fast pace of life here and the constant stress over money, jobs, and all that good stuff. And I worry about how much he will miss his family as they are so close.

Right now I just wish he was here. I know the adjustment will be hard but I miss him so much.

To Mimolicious: that is horrible how Wal-mart treated your husband! I hope you get a good lawyer. Really...firing someone for coming back late by two minutes? And you said he was not even late. But even if he was....2 minutes??? That is so ridiculous. They fired him over the workers comp and I hope you get a good lawyer that can prove that.