I need help

[bspj 0]

Hello Everyone

I im from uk and i need you guys help and advice, my fiance bring me usa under k1 visa, he was my dream man and he was the person who i thought i can spend my life with, we had almost 2 year online relationship, i been in usa with him past 2 months and i got my ssn, but the problem is he's not the person who i loved online, he's not the person who i dreamed about and he isn ot the person who i can spend my life with, he's totaly change and opposite as he used to be online, he lies, he cheat, he treat me like ######, he abuse me and all time he ignored me. he spend most of time with his friends and at home on tv or computer. At home i clean his home, i wash dishes, i do laundry etc but he just lay down and watch tv or play games, but its not enough, everytime we go into any kind argue or anykind disagree he scream at me and ask me to pack my ###### and leave his house. He still have strong relationship with her ex wife, he always run to her and sometime sleep at her house too, its hurt me alot and Its happend constantly and now im sick of it, i dunno what to do, before move here i give up on my job, i sell my appartment, i sell every lil and big thing i ever have had, i dont have anyone who can help me, i dont have parents either i have any kind support, Money i ever had i spend on him and on my k1 visa. now i dont know where to turn, dont know how to where to began again, when i moved here i had alot of dreams, plans, wishes and expectations but i can't understand such a lil thing of life. please help me.

[pax 0]

I'm so sorry to hear this.

First of all, you need to decide if you want to go home to the UK or if you want to try to make a go of it in the States. If you want to go back to the UK, you should optimally leave before your 90 days on the K-1 visa are up to avoid accruing unlawful presence, which could jeopardize your ability to use VWP or obtain future visas.

If you want to try to stay in the States...first of all, are you married yet? I believe you'd have to have married to qualify for VAWA relief. There is a way you can attempt to stay in the States if you have been subjected to abuse by the USC who sponsored you. You'd have to file form I-360 with USCIS to start.

There are very few, if any people, on VJ who have any experience with that kind of situation. There is another lady from the UK going through a similar situation in the K-3 forum, and there was another post-er, Shona, who was trying it, but she hasn't posted in a long time. I would advise you to seek legal help first or, if you can't afford it, contact a charity that works with immigrants, like the American Friends Service Committees. They will be able to point you in the right direction.

If you consider seeking relief as an abused immigrant, you should know that you'll need some supporting documentation of the abuse, like police reports, testimony from a counselor or an abused women's shelter, something like that. So if you have any such documentation or will have it in the future, make sure you save it.

Best of luck to you.

[flipside 0]

troll

[Sister Fracas 5]

hmmm

[pax 0]

All right, you know what? I don't give a flying ** if this person is a troll or not. If it is, well, fine, I wasted five minutes of my life posting some helpful information. If it's not, this is obviously someone in a bad situation who could use some compassion and assistance.

I'm really sick of the current VJ attitude of "troll until proven otherwise." People have been really harsh towards some post-ers who are new and finding themselves in difficult or exotic circumstances. We've got to keep in mind that we don't know if someone is b.s.-ing us or telling the truth...and if it's the latter, we don't want to scare them off, or other post-ers or lurkers who might be in similar situations, by curtly dismissing them as trolls.

[Euro 3]

All right, you know what? I don't give a flying ** if this person is a troll or not. If it is, well, fine, I wasted five minutes of my life posting some helpful information. If it's not, this is obviously someone in a bad situation who could use some compassion and assistance.

I'm really sick of the current VJ attitude of "troll until proven otherwise." People have been really harsh towards some post-ers who are new and finding themselves in difficult or exotic circumstances. We've got to keep in mind that we don't know if someone is b.s.-ing us or telling the truth...and if it's the latter, we don't want to scare them off, or other post-ers or lurkers who might be in similar situations, by curtly dismissing them as trolls.

Very well said Pax..........................

[almaty 19]

Pax..you are a better than me on this...

[jas 0]

hmmmmmmmm Troll word is not right , you never know what tat person passing thru, it could be wrose than your imagination, becasue it happend to me here, without knowing anything people start em BS.

[Sister Fracas 5]

Regarding trollness...I've been burned by offering advice and condolences and telling people not to jump to conclusions when they thought someone was a troll and indeed turned out to be, so in these kind of situations, I just keep my mouth shut.

There isn't any advice I can offer anyway. If the situation is real, or even if it's not, good luck is all I can say.

[TracyTN 237]

All right, you know what? I don't give a flying ** if this person is a troll or not. If it is, well, fine, I wasted five minutes of my life posting some helpful information. If it's not, this is obviously someone in a bad situation who could use some compassion and assistance.

I'm really sick of the current VJ attitude of "troll until proven otherwise." People have been really harsh towards some post-ers who are new and finding themselves in difficult or exotic circumstances. We've got to keep in mind that we don't know if someone is b.s.-ing us or telling the truth...and if it's the latter, we don't want to scare them off, or other post-ers or lurkers who might be in similar situations, by curtly dismissing them as trolls.

I agree.

And if you think it *might* be a wind up, just don't reply and spare yourself the 'grief' later.

[Cristy 4]

I'm so sorry to hear this.

First of all, you need to decide if you want to go home to the UK or if you want to try to make a go of it in the States. If you want to go back to the UK, you should optimally leave before your 90 days on the K-1 visa are up to avoid accruing unlawful presence, which could jeopardize your ability to use VWP or obtain future visas.

If you want to try to stay in the States...first of all, are you married yet? I believe you'd have to have married to qualify for VAWA relief. There is a way you can attempt to stay in the States if you have been subjected to abuse by the USC who sponsored you. You'd have to file form I-360 with USCIS to start.

There are very few, if any people, on VJ who have any experience with that kind of situation. There is another lady from the UK going through a similar situation in the K-3 forum, and there was another post-er, Shona, who was trying it, but she hasn't posted in a long time. I would advise you to seek legal help first or, if you can't afford it, contact a charity that works with immigrants, like the American Friends Service Committees. They will be able to point you in the right direction.

If you consider seeking relief as an abused immigrant, you should know that you'll need some supporting documentation of the abuse, like police reports, testimony from a counselor or an abused women's shelter, something like that. So if you have any such documentation or will have it in the future, make sure you save it.

Best of luck to you.

Great advice. Whether the OP is a troll or not it could help someone.

[Scott & Lai 12]

All right, you know what? I don't give a flying ** if this person is a troll or not. If it is, well, fine, I wasted five minutes of my life posting some helpful information. If it's not, this is obviously someone in a bad situation who could use some compassion and assistance.

I'm really sick of the current VJ attitude of "troll until proven otherwise." People have been really harsh towards some post-ers who are new and finding themselves in difficult or exotic circumstances. We've got to keep in mind that we don't know if someone is b.s.-ing us or telling the truth...and if it's the latter, we don't want to scare them off, or other post-ers or lurkers who might be in similar situations, by curtly dismissing them as trolls.

[raphael7546 0]

well, I highly doubt it is a Troll, but by their use of the English language, I highly doubt they're from the UK . I think this person is obviously a VJ member coming on under an assumed name for annomity.

To the OP.

Sometimes people only see of their partner what they want to see. focusing on just being together and not really getting to know the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Did he spend alot of time on the computer with you when you were apart? Might be something that he's just used to doing after all those years with an online relationship. Has he ever been violent or abusive to you before? Not neccesarily physically. but name calling or what have you.

Living & being with someone on a daily basis takes some adjustments on both parts. Even more so if they've been on their own for a long time and used to doing things their way.

Did you talk to him BEFORE you moved here about what it would be liked to be together? Some of the challenges you would face ? Such as hanging out with old friends, time spent apart, family time, what role his ex wife would play in your relationship? How much time he would spend watching TV , playing games, hobbies, sports etc... I really think ALOT of people don't even consider this stuff before they get to the states and then it becomes a huge problem.

Have you sat down and talked to him and told him how you feel when he yells and screams at you, or spends so much time doing other things without you? Sometimes people don't realize how much they are hurting you. Sit him down and talk to him. Not when there's distractions like his favorite TV show on or Sports or something. You need his full attention. And if it starts to become a shouting match then tell him that its time for a break , that your not going to listen to any screaming and that you'll continue the conversation when things are more rational.

Being how you've only been here 2 months, I'm sure you probably don't have any Employment to give you some of your own spending money. Maybe you could do some volunteering or something that would give you some feeling of accomplishment. I volunteer at our Air Force AreoSpace Museum and its really helped me. I don't get paid wages, but it gets me out of the house, around other people so I can develop my own support system & group of friends. Plus it keeps my work skills up to date so when I do find a job, I won't feel so uneasy.

Have you considered getting a hobby of your own? I scrapbook and that keeps me pretty busy too. Course my hubby has to pay for the supplies until I can get my own job, But he doesn't mind and actually was the one to suggest I get a hobby of my own.

Anyways, Good luck. 2 months really isn't very long . Try to work thru things.

[Fandango 1,439]

Why not make a go of things in America? Since you have nothing waiting for you back home, just marry the guy, try to work things out, and if it doesn't work, leave his happy ### & take half his stuff And file for that VAWA thing.

In the meantime, make some friends of your own. Join a club, get out of the house...

But if the wierd abuse continues, you need to document it (someone here already said it)....why not start a journal??? It could be very soothing & cathartic as well as having some sort of daily record of what's happening.

I know I'm being flippant here, but you've come this far....it's prolly horrible advice, but if you've left/sold everything you had, how are you going to start over at home? And you should try to stick it out with your man until you're absolutely sure things are beyond repair.

Edited March 5, 2006 by LisaD

[Melo 1]

All right, you know what? I don't give a flying ** if this person is a troll or not. If it is, well, fine, I wasted five minutes of my life posting some helpful information. If it's not, this is obviously someone in a bad situation who could use some compassion and assistance.

I'm really sick of the current VJ attitude of "troll until proven otherwise." People have been really harsh towards some post-ers who are new and finding themselves in difficult or exotic circumstances. We've got to keep in mind that we don't know if someone is b.s.-ing us or telling the truth...and if it's the latter, we don't want to scare them off, or other post-ers or lurkers who might be in similar situations, by curtly dismissing them as trolls.

I agree with you 100%