Husband kicked me out before ROC (split)

[filipina12 0]

I was petitioned as a fiancée visa last 2011, I got married October 2011 and got my 2 years permanent residency and will going to expired April 2014. but now I have a problem, my husband and I are not in good terms he sent me out of his house, my husband doesn't abuse me physically but I am so scared with him because it seems he has an anger management, the way he acts when he's mad and the words that he throws on me makes me feel so bad, I really don't know what to do..Can somebody help me or have an idea what should I do, Is the U.S. government will going to send me back to may country or I have the right to stay here in the U.S.? thanks!!!

[Dean_De 61]

OP, this maybe off topic to your question but i just want to ask and share my thought anyway can't you and your husband work out the indifference? maybe have counseling or maybe do anger management? Every couple do go through tough times. My husband and I were lucky that since I came here in the US we just had this argument lately and we're married almost same time frame as you. Anger issues? Yes, my husband do have that, I guess its all the stress there is at work and in the day to day life. But the secret to this is, try not to met the fire No mfatter how hurt you are try not to escalate your voice when your amidst an argument. Let him have time to talk out his thoughts and you listening first. Let him unleash all his hard feelings and no matter how bad you may have heard something from him, Don't say anything until he finished his rant. NEVER become a HISTORIAN - I mean do not bring out past problems to your current argument. Always settle your problem right away. When its your time to talk, use the "I" statement when you are talking. This way he wont feel that he is being accused and that your explaining your situation according to how you felt and how you see. Then again, when talking to him, keep a soft but strong voice. Eye contact is necessary and let him feel that you are trying to make a conversation to make your relationship better and no because you want to start a fight.

End your talk with a sorry and assurance that you love your partner no matter what you've send and heard from him today. - Say sorry if your at fault. With me, I say sorry even if its not my fault Why? i say sorry because I have to make him talk and sit down with me knowing that it will unleash his anger for a few.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I was petitioned as a fiancée visa last 2011, I got married October 2011 and got my 2 years permanent residency and will going to expired April 2014. but now I have a problem, my husband and I are not in good terms he sent me out of his house, my husband doesn't abuse me physically but I am so scared with him because it seems he has an anger management, the way he acts when he's mad and the words that he throws on me makes me feel so bad, I really don't know what to do..Can somebody help me or have an idea what should I do, Is the U.S. government will going to send me back to may country or I have the right to stay here in the U.S.? thanks!!!

As long as your relationship was bonafide you can remove conditions on your own.

You need to file for ROC in the 90 days before your card expires OR as soon as the divorce is final, whichever comes first. You will file based on a divorce waiver and include evidence of co-mingling (like you did when you got your 2 year card).

on a personal note - not everyone is happy happy. Anger management issues is when someone can't control their anger and they explode at the smallest thing. If this is only recent thing it's probably stress related, if it's been happening the entire time then he may have a problem with anger management. People who have this problem rarely take it well when you point it out and unless/until he wants to change, there's little you can do.

[Brian1967## 119]

I am sorry for what you are going thru, For a immigrant spouse I cannot imgine the stress you must be going thru, it is tough, I was my belief that the first two years of the marriage will be the hardest for BOTH of you to adjust, him to a wife, you to everything else, your USC husband has a lot on his plate, I can tell you from personal experience the change that happen can be very difficult for a man, try to think of it like this, your relationship is backwards:( instead of having the chance to date for a long period of time, you do not maybe know each other a year or less before all the paperwork starts then time getting to know each other while paperwork is processed. Do you really get to know someone on Skype...no you do not. You get to know the person when you move in and the next thing you know it is time to marry or move back home. Well I will ask you this does your other half have a lot of stress at work? is the money situation okay? how is your relationship with him besides the current issue? is it possible he is stressing out? if so ask if he will go to get some counseling and learn to manage the conflicts within himself, I always kept my stress internal and did not want my spouse to see me worry so much, but in the first year I worried over everything for her daughters school to if anyone needed shoes, for a USC spouse it can get overwhelming. However, eventually the stress comes out and you argue, conflict is natural in a marriage but putting a spouse out of the house is not, unless things get violent. I really feel for the spot you are in if your husband would like someone to talk to me Pvt. Message me and I will be happy to talk with him, I know how he feels, I might be able to just listen because I know the spot he is in. I wish you luck, just keep trying and hang in there for some reason MOST of the time true love works it way thru all problems.

[filipina12 0]

OP, this maybe off topic to your question but i just want to ask and share my thought anyway can't you and your husband work out the indifference? maybe have counseling or maybe do anger management? Every couple do go through tough times. My husband and I were lucky that since I came here in the US we just had this argument lately and we're married almost same time frame as you. Anger issues? Yes, my husband do have that, I guess its all the stress there is at work and in the day to day life. But the secret to this is, try not to met the fire No mfatter how hurt you are try not to escalate your voice when your amidst an argument. Let him have time to talk out his thoughts and you listening first. Let him unleash all his hard feelings and no matter how bad you may have heard something from him, Don't say anything until he finished his rant. NEVER become a HISTORIAN - I mean do not bring out past problems to your current argument. Always settle your problem right away. When its your time to talk, use the "I" statement when you are talking. This way he wont feel that he is being accused and that your explaining your situation according to how you felt and how you see. Then again, when talking to him, keep a soft but strong voice. Eye contact is necessary and let him feel that you are trying to make a conversation to make your relationship better and no because you want to start a fight.

End your talk with a sorry and assurance that you love your partner no matter what you've send and heard from him today. - Say sorry if your at fault. With me, I say sorry even if its not my fault Why? i say sorry because I have to make him talk and sit down with me knowing that it will unleash his anger for a few.

[filipina12 0]

Thanks for your reply, I am trying my best to understand my husband's behavior but this is the worst fight we had, and he told me not to come back to his house anymore. I'm just lucky because i have an aunt who lives just near and i am staying with her right now, i'm still waiting for him to pick me up but it seems he don't have plan to do it, it's been 2 weeks, his pride is more important than anything. I'm really lost now, i don't know what is the best thing to do, all my salary was deposited in our joint account but i can't hold or i don't have the right to withdraw, he is the only one who manage in regards with money matter, every time i ask money for my personal or for my family we always argue.

How can I remove my condition if i don't have enough documents, our marriage is bonafide but its been 2 years and he still don't put my name on his property like the house, car, and we don't even have insurance, the only thing i have is our joint account and the tax. i'm still hoping that we can fix this problem..In God's will.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

all my salary was deposited in our joint account but i can't hold or i don't have the right to withdraw, he is the only one who manage in regards with money matter, every time i ask money for my personal or for my family we always argue.

Go to the bank and take out the money. As far as i'm aware it couldn't go there if your name wasn't on the account so you should have access. If you don't, tell him you want your money out of the account. Tell your employer your banking details have changed. Do this ASAP in writing.

[Piso Envy 5]

Go to the bank and take out the money. As far as i'm aware it couldn't go there if your name wasn't on the account so you should have access. If you don't, tell him you want your money out of the account. Tell your employer your banking details have changed. Do this ASAP in writing.

As far as I'm aware YOU have NO idea about THEIR banking and financial arrangement and YOUR directive to simply "Go to the bank and take out the money" is NOT going to make for a happy happy situation.

OP stated that she wants to work on the relationship. YOUR advice is likely to prevent that from EVER happening, he is ALREADY upset with her for SOME reason, and YOU are suggesting that she MAKE it WORSE.

Better she ASK not TELL him "you want your money out of the account" first. Yes she can change her direct deposit contribution. However, directing a stranger to "take out the money" of a joint marital account without the other parties knowledge when YOU have no IDEA of their financial structure or the EFFECT that may have on their livelihood or CREDIT is irresponsible advice.

OP: Americans frequently raise their voice when expressing anger, in most cases, once the words are out, they calm down. I know loud yelling is not a part of your culture and you may have even grown up with the belief that "it is better to be hit than to be yelled at" so I understand how loud words make you feel bad. This is a backwards difference of culture than you are used to.

I sincerely hope you can find a neutral party to help sort out your misunderstandings. I think you need to learn to understand each other some more.

[The Mean Lady 604]

As far as I'm aware YOU have NO idea about THEIR banking and financial arrangement and YOUR directive to simply "Go to the bank and take out the money" is NOT going to make for a happy happy situation.

OP stated that she wants to work on the relationship. YOUR advice is likely to prevent that from EVER happening, he is ALREADY upset with her for SOME reason, and YOU are suggesting that she MAKE it WORSE.

Better she ASK not TELL him "you want your money out of the account" first. Yes she can change her direct deposit contribution. However, directing a stranger to "take out the money" of a joint marital account without the other parties knowledge when YOU have no IDEA of their financial structure or the EFFECT that may have on their livelihood or CREDIT is irresponsible advice.

OP: Americans frequently raise their voice when expressing anger, in most cases, once the words are out, they calm down. I know loud yelling is not a part of your culture and you may have even grown up with the belief that "it is better to be hit than to be yelled at" so I understand how loud words make you feel bad. This is a backwards difference of culture than you are used to.

I sincerely hope you can find a neutral party to help sort out your misunderstandings. I think you need to learn to understand each other some more.

Your constant use of CAPS are completely unnecessary.

Decent people do not kick people out of the house.

If he had the audacity to kick someone out of the house, then what's to say he would not take her money too?

She should remove her money from the bank as she has every right to.

If her name wasn't on the account, her checks would not get automatically deposited there so there's no reason she shouldn't take what is hers as soon as possible.

I do not advocate clearing out a bank account.

That's just plain dirty.

[The Mean Lady 604]

OP: Americans frequently raise their voice when expressing anger, in most cases, once the words are out, they calm down. I know loud yelling is not a part of your culture and you may have even grown up with the belief that "it is better to be hit than to be yelled at" so I understand how loud words make you feel bad. This is a backwards difference of culture than you are used to.

I sincerely hope you can find a neutral party to help sort out your misunderstandings. I think you need to learn to understand each other some more.

As for this part, are you a USC?

Have you stated this to try to feel better about your own behavior?

I'm sorry, but yelling at your significant other is not normal or healthy.

And for those that think it's normal, you're in an unhealthy relationship.

10+ years dating and I've never once been yelled at by someone.

And trust me, it isn't because of my impeccable taste in guys.

Voices might slightly raise due to frustration in feeling like you aren't being understood, but no one has EVER yelled at me.

Except my parents, but that is normal.

I'd be happy to give you some audio examples of unhealthy yelling.

It's my neighbors. And guess what?

The cops have been called on them and the boyfriend isn't even allowed to step foot on this property.

Why? Because it's not normal. At all.

Do not try to justify a behavior that shouldn't be accepted.

That's one reason why women stay in abusive relationships.

Because something is telling them 'it's normal and he didn't really mean it'

[Caryh 5,206]

Voices might slightly raise due to frustration in feeling like you aren't being understood, but no one has EVER yelled at me.

I can say this knowing how a Filipina might think, a voice slightly raised due to frustration, is considered yelling to many Filipina. Its something American men need to learn to control and Filipina need to learn to accept to some degree. Doesn't mean the guy isn't really yelling either. Something is obviously wrong with this relationship, but you need to be careful about making assumptions based on western culture references to what the OP is really saying. There can also be the entire game of tampo and the expected lambing being played that did not play out the way the OP expected. And its totally possible there is abuse going on. I've learned to be really careful in making assumptions on Fil/West relationship issues based on a story from one side.

[The Mean Lady 604]

I can say this knowing how a Filipina might think, a voice slightly raised due to frustration, is considered yelling to many Filipina. Its something American men need to learn to control and Filipina need to learn to accept to some degree. Doesn't mean the guy isn't really yelling either. Something is obviously wrong with this relationship, but you need to be careful about making assumptions based on western culture references to what the OP is really saying. There can also be the entire game of tampo and the expected lambing being played that did not play out the way the OP expected. And its totally possible there is abuse going on. I've learned to be really careful in making assumptions on Fil/West relationship issues based on a story from one side.

Actually, no one has ever slightly raised their voice at me.

I'm the one raising my voice =X

But I'm usually bawling my eyes out, so you can imagine how frustrating it is for me trying to speak lol

[Skholls 2]

As for this part, are you a USC?

Have you stated this to try to feel better about your own behavior?

I'm sorry, but yelling at your significant other is not normal or healthy.

And for those that think it's normal, you're in an unhealthy relationship.

10+ years dating and I've never once been yelled at by someone.

And trust me, it isn't because of my impeccable taste in guys.

Voices might slightly raise due to frustration in feeling like you aren't being understood, but no one has EVER yelled at me.

Except my parents, but that is normal.

I'd be happy to give you some audio examples of unhealthy yelling.

It's my neighbors. And guess what?

The cops have been called on them and the boyfriend isn't even allowed to step foot on this property.

Why? Because it's not normal. At all.

Do not try to justify a behavior that shouldn't be accepted.

That's one reason why women stay in abusive relationships.

Because something is telling them 'it's normal and he didn't really mean it'

Oh I am in agreement with you...and well said...it is not normal and no one should allow this kind of behavior...Male or Female...

[Skholls 2]

I was petitioned as a fiancée visa last 2011, I got married October 2011 and got my 2 years permanent residency and will going to expired April 2014. but now I have a problem, my husband and I are not in good terms he sent me out of his house, my husband doesn't abuse me physically but I am so scared with him because it seems he has an anger management, the way he acts when he's mad and the words that he throws on me makes me feel so bad, I really don't know what to do..Can somebody help me or have an idea what should I do, Is the U.S. government will going to send me back to may country or I have the right to stay here in the U.S.? thanks!!!

I truly hope you and your Husband can sort things out, its a very big change of lifestyle and culture when you move to another country to be with the one you love and want to spend the rest of your life with....

It will be testing times for you as a person and most of all for your love fo each other....stay strong and men sometimes can be very proud so ladies sometimes have to take the first step...therefore its been 2 weeks and he might be in so much pain missing you but too proud to come forth, so I would say if you started out in love...let love take control and you take the first step for open conversation to rectify this hurdle...

God bless and good luck

Let us know ...

[VanessaTony 3,567]

As far as I'm aware YOU have NO idea about THEIR banking and financial arrangement and YOUR directive to simply "Go to the bank and take out the money" is NOT going to make for a happy happy situation.

OP stated that she wants to work on the relationship. YOUR advice is likely to prevent that from EVER happening, he is ALREADY upset with her for SOME reason, and YOU are suggesting that she MAKE it WORSE.

Better she ASK not TELL him "you want your money out of the account" first. Yes she can change her direct deposit contribution. However, directing a stranger to "take out the money" of a joint marital account without the other parties knowledge when YOU have no IDEA of their financial structure or the EFFECT that may have on their livelihood or CREDIT is irresponsible advice.

OP: Americans frequently raise their voice when expressing anger, in most cases, once the words are out, they calm down. I know loud yelling is not a part of your culture and you may have even grown up with the belief that "it is better to be hit than to be yelled at" so I understand how loud words make you feel bad. This is a backwards difference of culture than you are used to.

I sincerely hope you can find a neutral party to help sort out your misunderstandings. I think you need to learn to understand each other some more.

You are being ridiculous.

I simply suggested she take HER money out of the account after SHE stated all her money was in the account and she had no way to take it because he handles the finances. So... I'm not sure what your problem is. She needs money to live on and taking out her money is her right. Asking him simply alert's him to her situation and he will clear out the account. If he's already angry I have no doubt about that. I was not suggesting she take ALL the money, just HER money.

As KDH said, he kicked her out of the house. If he's already that irrational she needs to protect herself. He has no right to kick her out of the house. It's the marital home and she can go back there. I personally wouldn't because it seems he's got a bit of a problem, but that doesn't change the fact that he has no right to kick her out of HER home.

YOUR advice is to tell the OP to lay down and accept the treatment. She does NOT have to. Her money, her house, HER rights are what I'm talking about. You want her to "work on" the relationship but basically cow-towing to his wants. If that's what she wants to do, that's fine. That's her choice but she stated her money was in their JOINT account, she had every right to take HER money out of THEIR account.

Your generalisation about American's is also wrong. My husband never yells. He rarely raises his voice, so your assertions are wrong. I suggest you take a massive chill-pill.

The OP also isn't here asking for marital advice, she's asking about immigration advice. The OP states "Can somebody help me or have an idea what should I do, Is the U.S. government will going to send me back to may country or I have the right to stay here in the U.S.?" She later stated that he hadn't come to get her and mentioned her money situation: http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/436763-husband-kicked-me-out-before-roc-split/?p=6309774 I was reply to her questions, instead of NOT telling her the ways to get back HER money because "it will make working on the relationship difficult". You know what, he shouldn't have kicked her out of the house.

Edited June 21, 2013 by VanessaTony