Handling arguments (and future in-laws) from distance

[CaroSL 68]

Hi all,

I am about to move in the US, so this shouldn't really keep being a problem for me much longer, and I think so far we've done ok... But I was still wondering how you guys do this.

I usually keep it mostly in on skype, then think about it and write a mail where I can explain my feelings and everything. He then answer me with his, we understand each other better, and are able to meet in the middle. And I am about to do the same for the first time with my in-laws... (I feel they just made a decision without considering either my feelings, the compromises I agreed to for them and for their son, my cultural differences, or my family and friends feelings and reactions...They would probably not have done that if I was around to talk with them, so I think it is good)

So what do you guys do?

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

We talk a lot, to the point of nauseousness, but it keeps things healthy and strong.

Also, with the in-laws, your husband should act as your defender and the intermediary. He is the one who needs to watch out for you and your feelings with them, in my opinion. Let him talk to them about this issue and urge them to be more sensitive.

Edited March 7, 2013 by Nola123

[CaroSL 68]

We talk a lot, to the point of nauseousness, but it keeps things healthy and strong.

Also, with the in-laws, your husband should act as your defender and the intermediary. He is the one who needs to watch out for you and your feelings with them, in my opinion. Let him talk to them about this issue and urge them to be more sensitive.

You know what Nola, I agree. I actually wrote a message for my fiancé. I think we'll discuss the problem with my in-laws when I am in the country. So we can all sort it out, but I won't be alone in front of my in-laws. I have a good relationship with them, I think they just didn't get that the subject really was important to me and maybe they should let the door open for discussion.

Thanks for you answer. I sometimes feel I want to discuss our disagreement too deep... but at least when we finnish discussing them, it is usually really over, it doesn't pop up months later for no reason...

[X Factor 1,113]

When it comes to my parents, I would be my wife's advocate. And when it comes to her parents she would speak on my behalf. So far that has worked the best and all issues have been handled.

[Caryh 5,206]

I never have any issues with my in-laws. I believe my wife would shield me from anything if there was something, and I wouldn't be surprised if she has.

I know they were concerned when my wife lost weight. When she arrived, she started putting on the pounds. But she was in the house all day, and even she couldn't find enough to clean to keep her busy, so she snacked a lot. Once she started working though, then she started loosing weight. Back in the Philippines, they eat constantly. Many many snacks every day punctuated but three meals and if doesn't seem to matter if you're working either, work just stops for a while to support the snacking. That is if they're not to poor to eat that way and her family wasn't. You just can't do that in the USA while you're working. That made them concerned and I heard about that from my sister in-law, although I knew her eating habits would adjust and the weight would come back, which it has so they're happy again. The up side of this was they sent a large package of dried fish, which we both love, right before my wife started adjusting to eating more at meal time and not depending on snacking all day. Now they think that package of dried fish did the trick and got her weight back up, so they promised to keep sending more. Its a win win for us, they're happy my wife is a little plumper and we're happy because we're getting dried fish varieties we can't find in this country. As to my wife and family, my brother and sister in-law love live out of state but still love her like a sister. My mother has a touch of dementia so we're lucky if she remembers my wife's name, she even forgets mine at times.

There was a little concern with my oldest daughter, she was resentful of me getting married again, but that was more directed at me. Her and my wife seem totally fine after I dealt with that. My younger daughter is a typical teenager now, and too much into her own thing to even notice or concern herself with whats up with the adults.

[CaroSL 68]

Thanks for sharing guys. I know it is a bit personal, so I really appreciate it

This is not like I have a very big problem either. It is just that I always knew cultural differences were things to be very attentive to in a relationship, I just didn't realize it could be a problem too with in-laws. Just never occured to me. Plus, of course, I am pretty new to having in laws. I don't even really have in-laws yet, as I am not married

So you think I should let my fiancé handle it? I love them, they are great, we just happen to disagree on something...

[Caryh 5,206]

Thanks for sharing guys. I know it is a bit personal, so I really appreciate it

This is not like I have a very big problem either. It is just that I always knew cultural differences were things to be very attentive to in a relationship, I just didn't realize it could be a problem too with in-laws. Just never occured to me. Plus, of course, I am pretty new to having in laws. I don't even really have in-laws yet, as I am not married

So you think I should let my fiancé handle it? I love them, they are great, we just happen to disagree on something...

In order to avoid foot in mouth disease, letting the spouse deal with his/her own parents is the best policy. You could also end up stepping on cultural sensitivities in an attempt to protect your own. Express your view to your spouse to be and let him handle it. He's had a lifetime of dealing with his parents. There's also a lot to be said about picking your battles. Save when you have to intervene directly with them for a large issue rather than a small one. Although I don't know what your disagreement with them is, maybe it is a big one???

[CaroSL 68]

In order to avoid foot in mouth disease, letting the spouse deal with his/her own parents is the best policy. You could also end up stepping on cultural sensitivities in an attempt to protect your own. Express your view to your spouse to be and let him handle it. He's had a lifetime of dealing with his parents. There's also a lot to be said about picking your battles. Save when you have to intervene directly with them for a large issue rather than a small one. Although I don't know what your disagreement with them is, maybe it is a big one???

It is not. It is just a wedding issue (me wanting a bit longer of a celebration that they want. See, not big at all). It is just that I consider that it can hurt my family (and my friends, but I am mostly concerned about my family), I know for a fact they will be very frustrated to have "such a short" celebration. And I am compromising for my fiances parents already, even if they don't see it. But I think for them, the subject doesn't really matter. They probably have seen it as just something I would like, but I wouldn't care that much about. Not something that was cutluraly the norm, something I was deeply attached to, and that would feel very strange for my guest and I not to have. So their answer have been, "this is not the way we do it in here".

I really try to pick up my battles... But would have wanted to be asked, so we could try to find a solution that would work for everyone... this is why I don't want to give this up. I don't want to accumulate frustrations when I think they can be avoided.

[size=2]You could also end up stepping on cultural sensitivities in an attempt to protect your own[/size][size=2]

I think this is the problem here... But I don't want a "battle". I just want to expose my point of view and hear theirs out...[/size]

Do you really think we can't just all sit and talk about it? I mean, this is really not a big deal... Just wedding stuff. Can it really get bad? Of course I don't want to end up in a big family crisis for this (with either side btw... I can handle my own disapointment... but having all my family and friends being desapointed and upset and telling me... the only reason to make them stop would be me to tell them "ok, stop, I don't care about that, and this is my wedding so stop". But I won't think this...)

If the reason is not just "It is the way it is", I can understand it, I can be a bit stubborn but I won't be a child about it either

[Golden Gate 530]

Is this an issue of money maybe? Who is paying for the celebration?

[CaroSL 68]

Is this an issue of money maybe? Who is paying for the celebration?

His parents... Yes, it is not easy in that situation to say anything. They are also hosting the thing... it doesn't look good for me, does it?

But it won't cost anything more to have it longer. Not a penny (or yes, soft drinks, but I can pay for that, and this is not what costs more anyway)

I don't see relations as 'I do this, this and this, so you don't get to say anything". I like to talk things trhough. I am marrying their son, I like them a lot, I don't want our relations to start on frustration.

We are gonna have another one in France later, my parents are gonna pay for this one. So I get that they think it doesn't really matter, cause we can do it differently in France. For most of it, I agree with this. This is great because we can have things both ways. But for this, I don't. The second celebration simply won't feel the same. I consider my wedding day is the first one. My fiancé, and probably them, even more, as all their guests are gonna be there. And it will feel so strange for it to end so early.

Anyway, once again, if it doesn't work out, this is fiine, we'll still be married and happy, but I'd like to be able to talk it through... I don't know how to do this without it ending up in a stupid argument. I don't want to count points

[Golden Gate 530]

All I can tell you as an American myself, you will probably have to offer some sort of compromise. Maybe it is like you said, you will pay for the extra soda or whatever that would be required to make the celebration longer. Go over this with your fiance first and discuss with him how to approach them on the subject.

[CaroSL 68]

All I can tell you as an American myself, you will probably have to offer some sort of compromise. Maybe it is like you said, you will pay for the extra soda or whatever that would be required to make the celebration longer. Go over this with your fiance first and discuss with him how to approach them on the subject.

Thanks for your advice

I'll do this.

[Golden Gate 530]

Thanks for your advice

I'll do this.

Good luck!

[CaroSL 68]

Thanks!

We agreed to do exaclty this:

Go over this with your fiance first and discuss with him how to approach them on the subject.

It is so good to feel that we are both in this, because what matters to me matters to him.

Again, thanks guys for your advice. Much appreciated

[Darnell 8,479]

Easy fix - give the inlaws 20,000 usd - tell them to make the celebration longer with the money .