American dream - Bad things can happen

[Newlife2013 2]

I would like to tell all of you in this website my true story, so you can learn from what I have been through and avoid them.

I was a young girl from Asian country. I was a very good student in my home country. After graduated, I worked for a big corporation. My dream was to get the MBA in US, so I could have a successful career sooner than my friends . Therefore, I tried to apply and got accepted into the MBA program in the state that my uncle family was living. My family was not rich enough to sponsor for me to study in US. However, my parents got the promise from my uncle to take care of me and let me work part time at his nail shop, so I could have a chance to pursue my dream. I went to US when I was 23 years old.

The first morning I woke up in US, I had to go to the nail shop to learn how to make money here. My English at that time was not good enough to understand all of what people said. I had a hard time to get used to their voice and the way they talked. My job at that time was picking up the phone and set appointments for the nail shop. Two weeks later, I went to school. My MBA program was at night. There was still bus system when I went to school but no bus when I came home. My school was around 40 mins driving from my uncle and around 1.30 hours by bus. I didn't know how to drive yet and was studying at the driving school, so my uncle took me to bus station and picked me up at night once or twice times a week. My cousin told me that she couldn't let her father drive me at night like that, so she and her boyfriend would do that job. At the beginning, I thought they were nice to me, but later they told me that I was the burden for their family, so I should learn how to drive soon. I got my driver license within 2.5 months since I came to US. Another cousin let me use their old car, and from the first day I got my driver license, I had to drive to school and home, although I was very scared to drive at night. I didn't practice driving enough to do it.

I was very lonely and feel isolated in my uncle house. Everybody looked at me like a stranger. They talked behind my back. The nieces and nephews in that house looked at me like I was from out of space. They hated the way I dressed myself (I brought clothes from my home country, I had to save up money for my schooling, so of course I can't wear fashionable clothes like them) showed no respect for me, barely talked to me. I did the house errands, woke up early in the morning to go to work, and went to school at night. However, my cousin was very hard on me. She told her parents that I made wrong appointments for her, so she lost her clients because of me, that I showed bossy side in front of her employees, that I didn't help out very much in the shop and everybody in the shop hated me. At that time, I thought my uncle would say something to help me, but he sided with his daughter and called my parents and talked bad things about me. My uncle told my parents to let me get married and moved out of their house, or he couldn't help me out anymore.

I was in shock for a long time. All my actions, no matter what, were bad to them. My parents were crying over the phone with me. They knew that I was not kind of girl that people talked about me. A lot of times, I thought about moving out and lived by myself, but the financial problem held me back. I couldn't move out while my parents sacrificed so much to let me come here. So, I had to stay there, working and studying for my future.

I met my current husband the first time when he came to shop with his friend. He showed interest in me right away. He was an American man. He asked me to go out for dinner and movie. I said yes because I liked him too and because I was so lonely here. We started dating. I, for the first time, knew the feeling to love and be loved. I didn't know too much about him, but the way he treated me so well that made me blind at that time. I had a bleeding problem at that time,it was only him by my side and helped me through the hardest time in the hospital. He knew about my situation and what I have been suffered in my uncle house, so he proposed me within 2 months and I said Yes. He told me that he rented the apartment with his mom because she was struggling. I believed him and got married with him, dreaming about a happy family with the man who was kind to me. I was so naive and stupid...

I used to think that I escaped from my uncle house, meant my life would be better, but I was completely wrong. My husband lied to me so many things. The car he drove was his mom, the apartment he was living was hers, and he was unemployed ( no jobs) for a long time; not as he said he just lost the job. When I lived with him, he told me that he was invested money in his future contract, if he wanted to get money back, he needed fee to withdraw money. I trusted him and gave all money for him. My parents sent money to me, I gave it to him. I borrowed money from my friends for him. I thought that he never lied me, he was just struggling. He promised me over and over that he would pay them back when his contract went through. I was crazy at that time, because the more money I put in, the more I felt lost and wanted to get money back. It was kind like gambling addiction. I hurt my family so badly with finance. Everybody in my family asked me to get the divorce with him because they knew he was a liar. However, I was still in love with him, so I couldn't leave him. In addition, I felt grateful for what he did to let me escape from that house, so I wanted to pay him back somehow. I didn't listen to my family and stayed with him. I quit to go to school because all money was gone. We stayed with my parents when they moved here, but he still barely had jobs. Then, my parents left me to stay to different state, because they had job offer there.

I worked 2 jobs to pay everything in the house. He was unemployed and still chased for his dreaming future contract. We had a lot of fights, arguments and life was like hell. Luckily, my job was better and I earned extra money for the house. I paid some debts off and we filed bankruptcy to stop harassing phone calls. I paid for the attorney fee. I still had my personal debts to take care while he never helped me to pay them, although he did create debts for me.

He just called the police on me a week ago for the telephone harassment when I tried to ask him to put money back in the account ( he took out money we used for bills to chase for the future contract again), and I was arrested. I stayed in jail for 10 hours and got released. The case was dismissed. He said he didn't mean to do it. He just called police to stop me calling, but the officer arrested me. However, I felt hurtful and lost completely. I felt pity for myself, but I blamed myself too. I am 28 years old now. When I looked back the whole journey when I first came to US, it was a nightmare I didn't want to remember. From a girl with a dream to finish MBA and becomes a manager somewhere, I lost my degree, lost a lot of friends and family members, had a big debt on my shoulder, got bankruptcy and got arrested...

Life had a lot of choices, but I chose the hardest way for my life. I didn't use my brain to think and just used my heart to act, so I received the bad outcomes. I knew that this pain will never go away. My heart was numb and the way I saw things were so different than before. My husband didn't want the divorce, but I can't stand living like this anymore. I want a happy family, a long life marriage but I can't have it. If I stayed with him, I knew that I would play a role like a man in the family again. We would fight again, and maybe, something worse than arrest can be happened. I need to make up my mind and be stronger, but sometimes I felt weak and so lonely...

I just want to say something to everybody in this forum: Life is about choices. Sometimes, you must put your heart down and let your brain work its job. I was so fragile, so sensitive, so I became miserable like today. Life in US is not easy for anybody, but please don't destroy yourself and your future like I did to myself.

Thanks for your reading...

[spn1025 38]

I feel so sorry for you, but the problem lies here: you accepted his proposal for marriage after only 2 months. Marriage shouldn't even be a topic of discussion at 2 months.

[epsonderby 85]

Thank you for sharing your story.

You did make some choices that came back to haunt you. I hope that you make different choices in the future and you end up with the life you want.

[BaBamSam 239]

I am so sorry for everything that you've gone through. It's easy in hindsight to say what was a bad choice and wrong, but it's near impossible at the time.

I hope you have someone in your life that you can talk to.

[dreamwarrior 0]

At least you are still young and in your prime by American standards. What may be helpful is moving in with your parents for emotional support and stability til you get back on your feet.

[superpotsky 13]

You're only 28 you can still chase your dreams. At least you dont have kids yet (base from your story) it would've been a lot harder. You can still get your MBA just remember it gets harder before it gets easier.

[cherryswife 3]

You've been through so much. You can only move up from here. Start afresh on your own. That's what I did when I left my husband when I was fairly new to America. He too was a liar and he was a cheat. I got a place on my own and I am now 6 months into making it work for myself. Sometimes it was hard but it has been good too. You can do it alone. I wish you luck.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

America certainly isn't everything some people think it is. I'm sorry if the cold hard reality hit you in the face. It sucks.

You are still young and can still try again. I've failed and tried and tried again and I think I finally have it this time. It is ok to make mistakes, everyone does, just pick yourself up and dust yourself off and try harder and more wisely next time.

Now that you've had a bad egg you'll be much better at spotting a good egg!

I feel so sorry for you, but the problem lies here: you accepted his proposal for marriage after only 2 months. Marriage shouldn't even be a topic of discussion at 2 months.

Marriage was a topic of discussion for us at a little over 2 months and we have an amazing marriage. Perhaps you should keep the judgemental comments to yourself.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

One post by a duplicate account of banned former member Dau Que has been removed, along with two posts quoting same and the duplicate account is now also banned.

[catracha85 6]

As I say to all of my friends: As long as you dont have kids, nobody suffers( u didnt mention it right?).....So girl stop complaining about the choices you have made, dump that #####!*,try to recover your life....you say u have a job and most of the times thats why women dont leave a men, cuz of financial means....so go work, enjoy life and be open to new and better experiences. You have grow up and madure for not to make the same mistakes again (hopefully)....I know is hard, but thats just the begining......life goes on and u need to move on....

Best of the luck

[ChelseaKate 3]

America certainly isn't everything some people think it is. I'm sorry if the cold hard reality hit you in the face. It sucks.

You are still young and can still try again. I've failed and tried and tried again and I think I finally have it this time. It is ok to make mistakes, everyone does, just pick yourself up and dust yourself off and try harder and more wisely next time.

Now that you've had a bad egg you'll be much better at spotting a good egg!

Marriage was a topic of discussion for us at a little over 2 months and we have an amazing marriage. Perhaps you should keep the judgemental comments to yourself.

Thumbs up!

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

Thanks for sharing.

That was a heartbreaking story.

America can be overwhelming for somebody who just arrived and has to juggle work, school, transportation, and people who are not supportive at all. But you are still young, and you can look forward to a long life. The next time you meet a man who may be "the one," make sure you know him very well in all kinds of situations, know as much about him as possible, before you get too close.

Best of luck to you.

[rlogan 2,036]

Heartbreaking, yes.

Yet there is another half century to get it right. Thousand mile journey begin with one step. Good luck from now on!

[beth 4]

Hello... I left my country 2007 with a big dream like yours. I met my ex-husband online and he visited me twice in my country and he even stayed there four months before he applied for my Fiancé Visa. To make my story short from 2004 to 2007 we chat everyday 7 days a week plus our personal meeting first 2 weeks then after 6 months he came back and stayed 4 months. I thought I knew him very well before we got married. After few months I got pregnant but my daughter was only 11 months when I left my ex-husband. I told myself I rather sleep in the street rather than staying in an abusive relationship. Me and my daughter end up in a Domestic Violence Shelter... I was homeless and had nothing except my daughter always in my arms. With the help of a small church me and my daughter was taken care of good Samaritans/Christian families. Went to work and now I had a wonderful husband. I have my own car, beautiful house and garden. Most important was my dear husband respect me and love me and took care of my daughter too.

Looking back 2009 was a hell for me...scared what will my future be specially my daughter. The divorce was so ugly I thought I will end up crazy.

I thank God for he always answered my prayers... Don't think negative. Just look forward for a good future and one day you will realized that bad story of yours was just a learning experienced. I know its difficult because back home I had a very good single life. I was working in a big multi-national corporation with all my family and friends around me. Here in USA it was just me and my daughter who was dependent on me. One day I was thinking about suicide but when I look at my daughters face I realized I have to be strong for her. From being homeless with expired 2 yr conditional green card I am now US Citizen. I always believed that if your experiencing bad things it means there's a big FAVOR coming.

[Redflame2012 32]

Your story is very moving. I'm so sorry for your situation but you are right, 'bad things can happen'...A lot of people moving to the states, are not really prepared for the move.

Contingency plans need to be created in case of emergencies (ie separation from spouse or problems with the host extended family). If English is a second language, a person must ensure they join a learning program as soon as they know a move to the States is imminent or possible.

Anyway, God bless you!

Redflame