Problems with Family....need advice

[jaystone 2]

Hello Everyone,

I need some advice....I have been with my fiancee for two years and God Willing, she should be here by Christmas. Her embassy interview is next week. However, most of my family is not too keen on meeting her or wanting anything to her..some of it my own fault which I have been trying to fix.

After my first trip to meet my girl in January 2011...I came home and showed pictures of my trip to my brother, his wife and his three daughters...but, unknown to the parents, I asked the girls not to tell anyone that I was engaged.....the parents found out and they were livid!! They teach thier kids not to have secrets..and I had them talk to my girl on the phone....they were even more upset about that...they made it seem I was introducing them to a seriel killer! But never being a parent, I guess I did not know better...I have apologized and I thought they got over it....I don't think they have gotten over it..I have not mentioned her to anyone until now. What makes this even worse...is my family is dying out and there aren't many of us left...It is just my two older sisters, three younger brothers, a few cousins and three nieces...My mother and sisters and cousins are cool wit my engagement, but the rest are not....as a matter of fact, my brother in law said he felt pity for me....I was never so mad in my life! Anyway, it has been almost a year since I mentioned my fiancee to anyone, and everything seemed okay...last night I told the family she was coming next month, and to at least meet her before making any judgements, and for the most part the responded by saying don't expect us to meet her anytime soon...

I am at a loss....are family is dying out as it is and I am trying to hold things together, My fiancee will be isolated enough with just leaving her family to be with me....she is aware of the situation and still wants be with me no matter what...."us against the world". But I know it going to be tough....I will feel comfortable, being able to vist most of the family but being able to bring her or the family not visiting me because of my fiancee..most of the family not coming to t

the wedding or any family functions for that matter....I do not know what do...I do not want to force them to meet her, but I do want them to meet her sooner than later...

On the bright side of this, my financee has a sister and family in San Francisco(I am in Michigan) so It looks like I will spend the holiday there so she will be feel welcome...she will be in here hopefully December 22, so the plan is to meet her there with her with her family there and bring her to Michigan after the Holidays to begin our new life together.

As anyone else been in this situtuation? And if so, how did you deal with it?

Thanks in advance!

Jaystone

[reese1 68]

Some people can be very closed minded about bringing someone from another country to marry them. I remember my sister got this same response from someone that was very close to her and had always been very supportive her. Like I told her, this is YOUR LIFE! Let NO ONE make you feel bad about who you chose to love! Because at the end of the day it is you and them in this together. The family in time will come around, you will just have to give them time and not pressure them into getting to know her. The ones that don't as long as they are respectful to her when she is around that is all that matters. Now about what you did with your nieces, don't do that EVER again. Never step on the toes of a parent, I would have been upset as well. You went against what they are teaching there kids, and had them sneaking behind there parents back. I hope that you can get it together with your family, but if they will not except her, sadly enough you can't make them. Best of luck to you!

[Hank_ 9,173]

Dysfunctional family is not all that uncommon, some times they seem to be like crab grass.... everywhere.

I rather like a saying that I got from another member of my family... you can pick your nose, you can pick your butt, but you can't pick your family.

There's another saying; f_ _ k all but 6, save them for palbearers, now that cremation is so common... screw them too.

Friends are the family you CHOOSE!

...

Don't worry about them, live your life, enjoy it to the fullest, carry no grudges, pucker for no butts. If they don't feel what you feel about family there is nothing you can do about it... move on but leave the porch light on.

There that is about as many different ways as I can say. Go live your life, enjoy!

[actob99 156]

Dysfunctional family is not all that uncommon, some times they seem to be like crab grass.... everywhere.

I rather like a saying that I got from another member of my family... you can pick your nose, you can pick your butt, but you can't pick your family.

There's another saying; f_ _ k all but 6, save them for palbearers, now that cremation is so common... screw them too.

Friends are the family you CHOOSE!

Don't worry about them, live your life, enjoy it to the fullest, carry no grudges, pucker for no butts. If they don't feel what you feel about family there is nothing you can do about it... move on but leave the porch light on.

There that is about as many different ways as I can say.

Go live your life, enjoy!

Amen brother....

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Why is your family not positive about your fiancée? Is there something they are specifically upset about?

My family loves my husband, but we were always very upfront and honest with both of our families and even if we hadn't been from different countries we would have been perfect puzzle pieces for each other because we are that freakishly similar.

Could it be that they think she might be out to gain something? I know some people made comments about my husband just wanting a greencard. However, once they met him they realized that that wasn't something he even wanted and that we were good together.

Edit: It is actually a tender issue in my family being that my father basically used my mother for a greencard back in the 80s.

Edited November 23, 2012 by Nola123

[jimmynug 13]

I, like you don't have a lot of family left, and I was fortunate that they didn't have any problems with me marrying a younger filipina. However, I can tell you that if they hadn't liked what I was doing, they could have planted a big kiss on me where the sun don't shine. If someone doesn't like my wife, that's their problem, not mine. If my wife is not welcome somewhere, it's easy, I'm not welcome and won't go. I'm sorry, but my immediate family is more important to me than the rest of the family, even though I still love the rest of the family. I'm sorry, but to me it's a no brainer, but to each there own. Good luck!

[Justud 42]

Sorry to hear this. I would say to you, move on, if they see you happy, they will be okay. I would also talk to your future wife so she understands everything and know its not her fault.

[A and T 82]

The family sounds like complete A-Holes. I would stop telling them any of your business and separate yourself from them. You deserve to be happy and if they cant support that, then to hell with them.

You don't need your families or anyone else's approval for your choices.

I would just say " Im going to be married and would love for you guys to be apart of our lives, but that decision is yours not mine" And thats it

[The Nature Boy 4,224]

Hello Everyone,

I need some advice....I have been with my fiancee for two years and God Willing, she should be here by Christmas. Her embassy interview is next week. However, most of my family is not too keen on meeting her or wanting anything to her..some of it my own fault which I have been trying to fix.

After my first trip to meet my girl in January 2011...I came home and showed pictures of my trip to my brother, his wife and his three daughters...but, unknown to the parents, I asked the girls not to tell anyone that I was engaged.....the parents found out and they were livid!! They teach thier kids not to have secrets..and I had them talk to my girl on the phone....they were even more upset about that...they made it seem I was introducing them to a seriel killer! But never being a parent, I guess I did not know better...I have apologized and I thought they got over it....I don't think they have gotten over it..I have not mentioned her to anyone until now. What makes this even worse...is my family is dying out and there aren't many of us left...It is just my two older sisters, three younger brothers, a few cousins and three nieces...My mother and sisters and cousins are cool wit my engagement, but the rest are not....as a matter of fact, my brother in law said he felt pity for me....I was never so mad in my life! Anyway, it has been almost a year since I mentioned my fiancee to anyone, and everything seemed okay...last night I told the family she was coming next month, and to at least meet her before making any judgements, and for the most part the responded by saying don't expect us to meet her anytime soon...

I am at a loss....are family is dying out as it is and I am trying to hold things together, My fiancee will be isolated enough with just leaving her family to be with me....she is aware of the situation and still wants be with me no matter what...."us against the world". But I know it going to be tough....I will feel comfortable, being able to vist most of the family but being able to bring her or the family not visiting me because of my fiancee..most of the family not coming to t

the wedding or any family functions for that matter....I do not know what do...I do not want to force them to meet her, but I do want them to meet her sooner than later...

On the bright side of this, my financee has a sister and family in San Francisco(I am in Michigan) so It looks like I will spend the holiday there so she will be feel welcome...she will be in here hopefully December 22, so the plan is to meet her there with her with her family there and bring her to Michigan after the Holidays to begin our new life together.

As anyone else been in this situtuation? And if so, how did you deal with it?

Thanks in advance!

Jaystone

Nothing you can do. Just let it play out and if they don't come around then there loss. Just make sure you are ready to be committed to your wife 1st and all others second. If you are not ready to do that now is the time.

However I suspect in time when they all see how happy you are they will come around.

[GaryKO 49]

Guess this is something you don't really think about until it happens. Mixed marriages can upset some people, where it may be racism and prejudice, or religious values. Some friends and family may oppose you because it's a mixed marriage or they may have a problem if she is much younger than you. First get used to it, cause you will run into people all the time that will think that way.

The best advise I can give you is learn to not let it matter you, expect it and ignore them and hope when they get to know her they will can change their thinking. What they think or what they say should not matter to you, if it does then maybe you should not be in a mixed marriage to stat with.

[Bumbero 130]

I think society in general may have this misconception or preconceived notion about falling in love with a foreigner. I am not sure if it's racism or discrimination but it definitly feels like there is a common eye roll when you say "I am marrying my girlfriend from another country!" It's like it's a taboo or a "What, you couldn't find someone from the US so you had to check out a different country?"

I have sure figured out who my REAL friends are during this engagement. The friends who say "Gosh, Mike, as long as you are happy that is awesome!" are the supportive ones while the ones who feel entitled to give me their opinion are the ones who think I'm crazy! Opinions, IMO, are like buttholes, everybody has one and they ALL stink! If I wanted to hear it, I'd ask for it.

Family has been supportive for the most part, my daughter is SUPER excited to meet my fiancee and has conversations with her on a regular basis on the phone. They are already establishing a relationship and I couldn't be happier! Not bad for a 9 year old!

I guess all my ranting will end with a quote from one of my FAVORITE shows that REALLY made my decision for me when I was running in to unsupportive friends/family.

In the words of the famous Dr. Kelso from Scrubs "Do whatever the hell makes you happy! Who the hell cares what others think!"

Good luck with your issue OP and I hope you are able to be together for Christmas!

Edited November 24, 2012 by Bumbero

[apple21 953]

As long as you feel your relationship is genuine and your fiancee is not marrying you just to get a green card, then GO AND BE HAPPY.

To hell with everyone else.

Edited November 24, 2012 by apple21

[rlogan 2,036]

I came home and showed pictures of my trip to my brother, his wife and his three daughters...but, unknown to the parents, I asked the girls not to tell anyone that I was engaged.....the parents found out and they were livid!! They teach thier kids not to have secrets..and I had them talk to my girl on the phone....they were even more upset about that...they made it seem I was introducing them to a seriel killer! But never being a parent, I guess I did not know better...I have apologized and I thought they got over it....I don't think they have gotten over it..I have not mentioned her to anyone until now.

... but I do want them to meet her sooner than later...

Jaystone

Jaystone, you blew it. This is a little confusing, but for sure you kept your fiance a secret which is the exact opposite of what we do with fiances. The fiance is front and center to your family and friends.

We don't have the reason for you needing to hide her, but the fact you did it is an important slight to her, let alone your family. "I'm so proud of you honey that I'm going to hide the fact I'm involved with you..."

After the initial slight to both the fiance and the family, and the drama over revealing this secret, apparently she was put back in the closet again for a year and brought out again just recently.

You do recognize that "part of it" was your fault, good. We can't know what is behind the games with the family but this is not normal behavior. Could you maybe explain why you felt it important to hide her from people? What was the reasoning? You could finish this sentence for example - "I asked the girls not to tell anyone I was engaged BECAUSE..."

If you answer that it is going to provide a little better insight into what is going on.

[kev_n_jena 89]

If your fiance is anything like my wife Jena, she will win them over quickly. I would advise most men to be up front from the very begining though. I think I told my folks a couple weeks after Jena and I were chatting online that something big was happening in my life. I was sure to caution them but after my first trip, they all knew it was a done deal and to accept it or forget me.

I only had one or two snide comments from my sister the first time I told her. Now, after five years and the only grandchild being born in to our family, they would pick her over me if it came to that.

[jaystone 2]

I would like to thank everyone for thier input...I really appreciate it!

I will be the first to admit I made a lot of mistakes with this whole situation:

I should have told the family earlier. In my previous relationships and marriage...everyone told me the person I was with was wrong for me and they were ultimately right. I was very nervous on how they would react to me having a relationship with a filipina. I did tell everyone about her after my first trip and it went very badly, and everytime I would bring up the subject it would end up with an argument...so I stopped talking about it. I was tired of fighting and every argument would become worse. As a matter of fact, the last argument ended up with everyone giving me an "intervention"...saying I needed therapy!!! I was livid!! They acted as though I was a drug addict!! My brother actually told me in so many words I could not see his kids again unless I saw a therapist!! Oh my God.....I realize they are in their own way trying to look out for me, but they are really going about it the wrong way. We seemed to be getting along better when I did not talk about it, so for the sake of getting along I stopped talking abut it...I knew I would have to bring it up and they knew a year ago she was coming to the US this year so I hoped over time at least they would be willing to meet her. Not the case. It is still pretty obvious they have an issue with my marrying someone outside the country.

I really messed up with the kids. I have apologized to my brother and his wife over this I don't think they ever got over it. I am not a parent, but I still should have known better..sometimes when I am every happy or excited,logic goes out te window and I was so excited about my fiancee! I had not been this happy in years...if they do wish to forgive me, fine. But my thing is...don't villainize my fiancee for my mistakes, and I believe that is what happened. Fortunately, I am still involved with the kids and I will continue to be in thier lives. Also it is also obvious to me they have an issue with my fiancee being from another country.

I realize now I cannot force them to meet her and get to know her, so I am not going to try....I already let them know she is coming and my door will always be open if they ever wish to visit. I will let them know when the wedding is, and if the wish to come, great, if not, that is on them. Until they accept her, I will not be involved in any more family functions...if she is not welcomed, neither am I. Fortunately, some of my family are happy for me so I will still be involved with them. My father was finally warming up to my fiancee but unfortunately he died before he got a chance to meet her....but my mom and one of my sisters are happy so I glad for that. Going forward, I am just going to concentrate on my immediate family...my fiancee also has a daugther but she will not be here for another year, so my focus going forward will be making things great for us and be involved with people who are happy for us. It is also a big plus she has a sister with her own family in California so that is a huge plus. When other family members are ready to finally ready to meet her, we will welcome them with open arms.

I want to thank everyone who gave me thier thoughts and suggestions....it has helped me get through this and I appreciate it! Wish us luck! Mira's interview is November 28th!

Jaystone