Talk about things now, not later. Dont point fingers!

[Kevin&Lenith 36]

Hi Vj'ers,warning this is long lol

The following are just some general thoughts with regards to issues that I have experienced or have seen others experience upon arrival here in the states. Just some background to start, our journey has been longer that most of yours (almost 4 years) as a result of an annulment process, and some rather criminal behavior by an ex husband and by people within the the phillipine govermental process. With that being said my asawa is now here, we have been married for almost a month, and are very happy. While our journy has certainly been long, it did have a benifit and that was, endless nights, and mornings talking about the smallest of things to the real important issues that would lay the foundation of our life together. Even with all this time, I by no means consider myself an expert in this type of relationship, and hopefully I am getting better at it. Those of us that have been married before think we will always will do better the second time, but more than not we find ourselves making the same mistakes.

I will admit I thought about my asawas ability to adjust to life here endlessly before she got her, and because of that we talked about home sickness, lack of friends, lack of work, being alone for hours, as well as other things she would experience when she first got here. The lesson I learned here is that even though you think you have covered all the bases, until she is put in the situation you just dont know how she is going to handle it. I give Lenith all kinds of credit she has done really well, but there are still times when i can see it guys, and you have to pay atention to it. Just a heads up guys, we may be used to being alone, and getting home from work, and just vegging a bit, well be preparred your going to the attacked lol. I mean this ofcourse in a good way, but you really need to understand that for most of the day she has been waiting for you, sit down and give her the time she needs. I made the mistake one time by saying "go away" ( in a joking manner) because she was constantly at my side, she took it seriously, and went into that silent mode for 24hrs, and ofcourse me being the stubborn one let her. The lesson here is no matter how much you think she understands, there are still aspects of our mannerisums she doesnt.

As an advid reader of visa journey, we have established relationships with others that were on the same time line as Lenith and I. These relationships have continued on Facebook, and a facebook page called asawa world. Quite frankly I am suprised about some of the issues I have seen come up, ofcourse we all have issues but it seems like alot of these issues Lenith and I can remember talking about long before we started our journey. Please, once again I am not criticizing anyone, or thinking I am any better, but it pains both of us to see any of these relationships possibily fail. So while you are preparing for this journey, dont just get caught up in the process, and how long its taking, and how you both miss each other, really get into the nuts and bolts of your future,. Here are just a few helpfull thoughts

1) Talk about religion. who practices, and who doesnt, what changes do you just assume will take place when together.

2) If there are kids involved , talk about parenting. Believe me when I tell you, parenting styles will clash, and jealousy will show its face. The dynamics of a step family are very hard to manage, and you need to understand there will absolutely be clashes. Talk about the issues now, visitation (if part of relationship), time spent with kids takes time away from a new wife, kids take time to adjust (it doesnt just happen) These things sounds simple I know, but talk about them anyway because simple can quickly turn into difficult.

3) For those of you that are independantly wealth skip this one lol. For those that have stayed, this is a biggie. I will leave this one to each of you to consider, but do yourself a favor go over this one again , and again. The expectations I assure you are very different, and if not talked about early on and often will lead to major issues.

4) Culture- your fiancee is a product of a totally different culture, and depending on where you will be living there certainly will be culture shock. We say to ourselves, we know this already, well you really dont because you have never seen her have to react to circumstances here, you have only seen her behavior on a two week vacation in familiar surroundings, so be prepared and non judgemental when she reacts differently then what you would normally expect. Personally here are a couple that we faced. 1) weather- Lenith arrived in New York in Nov lol. Ofcourse we talked about this but nothing can prepare a filipina for 10 degree weather. So guys be prepared for alot of S*#* bombs being dropped, and get your warm clothes shopping done before she get here. 2) Food- get off the couch and find a Filipino store. 3) Where are all the people!!! Yup , they are inside. 4) Getting from point a to point b, it will not be easy for her just to get up and go like at home.

5) Fight fair- ofcourse doesnt mean to fight, but after the long journey and the adjustment period begins there will be disagreements. When this happens, guys , before you bark remember what she has done to come to you (left family and friends), and pinays remember everything he has done to get you here. Pinays, if he is being unsensitive tell him, dont go silent, make sure he understands the pressures you are feeling, and most importantly do get so angry and say " I want to go home", and guys dont use the thought of sending her home as a threat. Once this is out of the box, its hard to put back in. You maybe sitting there and thinking you would never go there, but I have seen it.

I guess that has been the whole point of this novel, the journey is long, but ever so worth it. Take care of the small things before they come up and bite you in the ####. While we cant plan for everything give your relationship a good head start by talking, and guys be patient.

Sorry for the lenght

Kevin & Lenith

Edited January 26, 2012 by Kevin&Lenith

[Kiv69 0]

Well written! Thanks for sharing.

[Leatherneck 693]

Hey Kevin, very well said buddy! Surely someone that has yet to walk in your shoes will benefit from your post.

I wish you and Lenith the very best!

[JohnandWendyB 21]

Great post!!! We have been talking alot about this stuff as well as others. For this reason I feel much more confidence in the strength of our relationship versus others I've had in the past. There's some stuff I hadn't really thought of before, too. Thanks!

[caly 48]

This is a awesome post that should be stickied somewhere on the site!

Like you, Dave and I have known each other 7 years and we've been talking daily for at least the last four, despite the distance. The issues you've mentioned above have been rehashed over and over between the two of us over the years. It's definitely made the transition much easier because there are less surprises.

I've long suspected Dave doesn't always appreciate my "attacking" him the minute he walks through the door. Sometimes I can tell he's had a really long day and needs his space so I try to lay off on the attention-seeking-ness. But it's hard when, as you've pointed out, I've spent the day waiting for him to come home!

Anyway, thank you for the great post. Enjoy your lives together!

[TBoneTX 45,447]

Good post, si man.

Remember: Delayed homesickness can strike, months after arrival, regardless of preparation for it or not. This can be in the form of "I thought that I had life, culture, and adjustment all figured out, but I really don't."

-------

General things to remember in one's formerly long-distance relationship:

1. Take one day at a time.

2. Go for being happy over being right.

3. Avoid making mountains out of molehills.

4. Ask for help when you feel "in over your head" (a hard one, sometimes).

-------

For guys who are marrying Latinas, specifically:

1. Avoid criticizing her.

2. Avoid yelling at her.

Si, man.

[Knope2012 10]

Great post! I've been reading a lot on this site regarding changes when couples are finally together, and this post is a great addition. It's a wonderful idea to prepare for the things you may encounter when your fiance gets here. I can't imagine how tough it must be to be alone in a new country during the day while your spouse is at work.

[Danilu 11]

I liked your post Kevin! Being the "stranger in town" is not easy and you expect much support from your significant other.. It's 50-50!

[CristiFur 15]

Great post and wishing you the best in your marriage.

[Leatherneck 693]

Good post, si man.

Remember: Delayed homesickness can strike, months after arrival, regardless of preparation for it or not. This can be in the form of "I thought that I had life, culture, and adjustment all figured out, but I really don't."

-------

General things to remember in one's formerly long-distance relationship:

1. Take one day at a time.

2. Go for being happy over being right.

3. Avoid making mountains out of molehills.

4. Ask for help when you feel "in over your head" (a hard one, sometimes).

-------

For guys who are marrying Latinas, specifically:

1. Avoid criticizing her.

2. Avoid yelling at her.

Si, man.

Senor TBone, that is good advice, period.

Edited January 26, 2012 by Leatherneck

[StraightShooter 62]

Hmmm...

I have a slightly different perspective.

I'd say that #1 and #2 need to be discussed and resolved before ever actually getting into a relationship. That is, while choosing a mate, be sure that both of you have the same viewpoint on how things will go. Dicuss such things up front, early on in the getting to know another phase.

Regarding item #2, I remember talking with women a few years ago and hearing them say things like... "I have a 15 y.o. angry son at home and I need a strong man to get him under control! I'm so tired of his late nights, drinking, drugs and violence!"

NEXT!!

Item #3 definitely needs to be discussed and agreed upon prior to the fiance(e) arriving. When both parties approach life with knowledge and agreement beforehand, there should be few surprises.

Item #4... yes, cultural differences exist. But BOTH parties need to adjust. It isn't one-sided.

YMMV

[Kevin&Lenith 36]

Thanks for the kind words with regards to the post, and continued well wishes to all those on this crazy journey.

[bjmyrnajourney 1]

oh this is so true me and my husband had relationship for a yea being away from each other with no fights at all but when i came over everything change i always complain about stuff specially him being so insensetive and we even go to that far were we both aggreed i will just come home but then at the end of the day realizing how much we love each other and how much we have put up with this whole relationship help us worked it out and its getting better day by day (not saying that we will not fight anymore) but being extra understanding to each other helped a lot and not only considering your self but the other person too plus filling my AOS helped it cos i can finally work soon and get a life here with new friends and all that good stuff i really believe staying home and doing absolutely nothing but taking care of the house frustrate the girls a lot specially when she left home with work and with a lot of people stayed with her family and then a sudden change...at the other hand its all worth it though cos finally ur with the man who u know had done so much for you so i think good communication heart to heart talk helps a lot. God bless everyone!

oh this is so true me and my husband had relationship for a year being away from each other with no fights at all but when i came over everything change i always complain about stuff specially him being so insensetive and we even go to that far were we both aggreed i will just come home but then at the end of the day realizing how much we love each other and how much we have put up with this whole relationship help us worked it out and its getting better day by day (not saying that we will not fight anymore) but being extra understanding to each other helped a lot and not only considering your self but the other person too plus filling my AOS helped it cos i can finally work soon and get a life here with new friends and all that good stuff i really believe staying home and doing absolutely nothing but taking care of the house frustrate the girls a lot specially when she left home with work and with a lot of people stayed with her family and then a sudden change...at the other hand its all worth it though cos finally ur with the man who u know had done so much for you so i think good communication heart to heart talk helps a lot. God bless everyone!

[Scafidi454 22]

Please learn how to separate paragraphs with double spaces.

[Danilu 11]

I agree with you, TBoneTX!

For guys who are marrying Latinas, specifically:

1. Avoid criticizing her.

2. Avoid yelling at her.

I would say that we accept constructive criticism, without demoralizing or devaluing.