Hard Time Adjusting

[JadedKiwi 8]

Previously I've been rotating 3mths in and 3mths out for the past two years. Now I am here and married, applying for AoS.

I just can't seem to adjust to some things and it's actually quite upsetting.

Basically I'll start with the feeling of uselessness, my husband shoulders everything and supports me since I cannot work. It's very hard on him to juggle two jobs and I feel like there is nothing I can do to comfort him when he is stressed out. I am there for whenever he needs to talk, or when he just needs to shout that he hates the way things are. It hurts me deeply and I feel like nothing I can do will alleviate the situation.

My own days are spent constantly tidying up, dying of boredom, laundry, more boredom and gaming really. I'm ready to pull my hair out. I don't know how to drive and I have to wait for that ONE day a week he gets off to get anything done, which usually results in nothing getting done because he's so tired and I want him to rest. I still don't have a drivers permit and need to change the name on my SSN, but again one day a week isn't enough for all the things we need to do.

Next there is the food, I can safely say I HATE American food. Everything is junk, full of sugar or silly kinds of expensive for something healthy. When I'm here my weight balloons and I genuinely get ill from it. I've always had digestive issues but it's beyond a joke here. I am constantly doubled up with cramps because EVERYTHING I eat makes me sick. I've even recently had to do a course of antibiotics because it affected me so adversely. I live on Blimpie at the moment since it's the only 'light' thing that isn't killing me. I don't cook because asking my husband to take me grocery shopping on his day off is like asking him to put his hand in a boiling vat of oil.

I'm tired all the time, feeling nauseous, in pain and irritable. I live in a place that isn't safe for a woman to leave the house alone, I can't go out and make friends. In the UK if I needed to do something I'd just go get a bus to wherever I needed to go, do what I needed to do. Here I have to just suck it up and hope I get lucky on my one day a week. I'm really just at a loss. I'm not missing the UK but I can't stand a lot of what I encounter here.

/end rant

[GnBnL 50]

Hi there, I feel your pain. Have you looked into have a grocery/produce delivery service? there are some that are quite affordable! It would come out to the same on what you spend on gas probably. Anyway, check it out in your area and see what you can find. I have a hard time with food too because the closest store is very expensive and the further one requires taking transit to get to. It can be very stressful on both sides for you and your husband. you feel useless, he feels perhaps a bit annoyed you get to sit at home all day! It's hard to understand for each of you because the grass is always greener!

The only thing I could suggest is checking out community events on CL or even meeting some friends there that have similar interests to you. Hard as it may be, now is the prefect time for you to take up a new hobby! lol! read a book you've been wanting to? I know right, more waiting, it sucks...

Are you planning a wedding? that is quite occupying...anyway, I wish you the best of luck in alleviating your boredom and stress over this! sorry its been a rotten time!

[JadedKiwi 8]

Hi there, I feel your pain. Have you looked into have a grocery/produce delivery service? there are some that are quite affordable! It would come out to the same on what you spend on gas probably. Anyway, check it out in your area and see what you can find. I have a hard time with food too because the closest store is very expensive and the further one requires taking transit to get to. It can be very stressful on both sides for you and your husband. you feel useless, he feels perhaps a bit annoyed you get to sit at home all day! It's hard to understand for each of you because the grass is always greener!

The only thing I could suggest is checking out community events on CL or even meeting some friends there that have similar interests to you. Hard as it may be, now is the prefect time for you to take up a new hobby! lol! read a book you've been wanting to? I know right, more waiting, it sucks...

Are you planning a wedding? that is quite occupying...anyway, I wish you the best of luck in alleviating your boredom and stress over this! sorry its been a rotten time!

I live in Metro Atlanta, I couldn't begin to imagine the things I'd run into on CL! >_<

Thanks for the tip on grocery shopping, my husband said that he hadn't heard of anything like that though in the UK it's mainstream lol

I know that my husband is annoyed with being the one to work all the time, doesn't help that he's decided now is a great time to finish his masters. So between two jobs, studying and family obligations I can see things are tough for him.

Personally I'm somewhat studying for GED, I'm also planning an actual wedding (civil ceremony was just bleghh) that in itself is stressful and I'm hating that too ._.

It's hard to get motivated to do anything nowadays too. I get up in the morning, look at the livingroom and think to myself 'what's the damned point, it will be a mess again 20mins after he gets in from work tonight". It's always the same. Everyday is a never-ending clean up after him cycle. I'm 27 I've had to pick up behind myself for years, he's 23 and it's almost as if he's had someone else to do it. I'm trying to train him though. Plenty of "Sweetie, your pants and socks don't belong on the livingroom floor, your shoes should be in the cupboard...." It's still hit and miss lol

Am I alone in feeling almost depressed with everything, or is it simply because I'm so bored at home?

Edited January 20, 2012 by EternityFae

[GCPony 14]

1) Look for opportunities to volunteer. That's what my wife did and she's happier than I ever imagined.

2) Are cab's available? My wife had the same issue about transportation, which I found frustrating.

I've spent a lot of time in England, and NO ONE can convince me that overcrowded, late and often cancelled trains are better than a cab. I'm sorry, I've been stuck in Bath with trains cancelled, promises of buses which never came, and have spent hours try to get somewhere just 10 miles away.

Best to you both. You can change the things in your life you're not happy with, just do it and it gets easier as you go.

Most importantly, Keep Calm and Carry On

Edited January 20, 2012 by GCPony

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I am the USC, but I can tell you you are definitely not alone. I think it's important to have some sense of purpose in life, and at the moment, I am sure that feeling is hard to find. I do feel sorry for any foreigner who moves to the south - I think the transition to that are of the country must be extra tough.

Try to find something you can do that gives you a sense of accomplishment. The above suggestions are really good. Volunteering is a great idea. Maybe your husband can drop you off somewhere on his way to work. Find better food. There is lots of good food to be had here, but if your husband is young, maybe he is used to frozen dinners. Grocery delivery is a good idea.

Best of luck, and it's normal to feel like this.

[cathy2904 97]

I sympathise. I'm not bored yet but I know that is a danger. Which part of Atlanta are you in? I live just south of Atlanta but I am lucky because I have access to a car and my husband works from home so he is around all the time and I don't get lonely - although that has its downside too as I feel guilty if I am doing nothing while he is hard at work.

There are lots of British people in Atlanta. We belong to a Meet-up group:

They have regular events, usually on the north side.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal and it will get better if you hang on in there.

[JadedKiwi 8]

Thank you all for your replies

I am the USC, but I can tell you you are definitely not alone. I think it's important to have some sense of purpose in life, and at the moment, I am sure that feeling is hard to find. I do feel sorry for any foreigner who moves to the south - I think the transition to that are of the country must be extra tough.

Try to find something you can do that gives you a sense of accomplishment. The above suggestions are really good. Volunteering is a great idea. Maybe your husband can drop you off somewhere on his way to work. Find better food. There is lots of good food to be had here, but if your husband is young, maybe he is used to frozen dinners. Grocery delivery is a good idea.

Best of luck, and it's normal to feel like this.

I agree entirely, it is good to have a sense of purpose. Moving to the South has had it's ups and downs. Up side being I have a husband with an accent to die for , a great sense of responsibility, respect for his mama and family values. The downside being the ...people... who I live around. Living in fear of being broken into (again) isn't a nice thing. We have bars on doors and windows now, but I'm still petrified. (We were broken into 10.30am, 5 guys. I was out of country, so glad I wasn't at home. I hate being home alone now and have a great deal of trouble sleeping at night.)

Darling husband was always taken care of, but when left to fend for himself it's another story completely. I flew over one time before he'd been grocery shopping... Freezer full of pizza, fridge full of water and Jagermeister....

I sympathise. I'm not bored yet but I know that is a danger. Which part of Atlanta are you in? I live just south of Atlanta but I am lucky because I have access to a car and my husband works from home so he is around all the time and I don't get lonely - although that has its downside too as I feel guilty if I am doing nothing while he is hard at work.

There are lots of British people in Atlanta. We belong to a Meet-up group: http://www.meetup.com/britsinatlanta/. They have regular events, usually on the north side.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal and it will get better if you hang on in there.

I live in...Clayton. Not the nicest place to live, even worse when it's essentially the Ghetto. My husband says it's the worse place in Atlanta to live. We're hoping he finds a better paid job so we can move North side soon, maybe he can head back to GT to finish up his masters after since he is distance learning with them at the moment.

I'll admit that I've never really had a work ethic, but since being here I just want to get out and do stuff. I'm clawing at the walls to have a 9-5 that I can complain about but secret love since I get to leave the house xD

Anyways, I ramble too much lol

Thank you all again for your replies, I'll sure check out that group

Edited January 20, 2012 by EternityFae

[wee carrington 33]

It takes a good while to adjust, I'd say the first 5-6 months are the hardest. It's unfortunate that you live in such a bad area and you don't feel comfortable leaving your house, that's a terrible position to be in.

Have you gone on www.britishexpats.com ? That might be helpful to you. All I can say is hang in there!

[GCPony 14]

Thank you all for your replies

I agree entirely, it is good to have a sense of purpose. Moving to the South has had it's ups and downs. Up side being I have a husband with an accent to die for , a great sense of responsibility, respect for his mama and family values. The downside being the ...people... who I live around. Living in fear of being broken into (again) isn't a nice thing. We have bars on doors and windows now, but I'm still petrified. (We were broken into 10.30am, 5 guys. I was out of country, so glad I wasn't at home. I hate being home alone now and have a great deal of trouble sleeping at night.)

Darling husband was always taken care of, but when left to fend for himself it's another story completely. I flew over one time before he'd been grocery shopping... Freezer full of pizza, fridge full of water and Jagermeister....

I live in...Clayton. Not the nicest place to live, even worse when it's essentially the Ghetto. My husband says it's the worse place in Atlanta to live. We're hoping he finds a better paid job so we can move North side soon, maybe he can head back to GT to finish up his masters after since he is distance learning with them at the moment.

I'll admit that I've never really had a work ethic, but since being here I just want to get out and do stuff. I'm clawing at the walls to have a 9-5 that I can complain about but secret love since I get to leave the house xD

Anyways, I ramble too much lol

Thank you all again for your replies, I'll sure check out that group

It's not, generically speaking, a "South" thing, it's living anywhere there's poverty. I'm originally from Detroit and am now in Houston. Houston was such an upgrade in lifestyle I don't think I could ever return "up north". (Detroit was, for many years, the "murder capitol of America". In Houston, thugs quickly found they'd be shot dead after kicking your door down. Crime goes where crime is tolerated and excused).

Best wishes with the hubbies education and new job. Make the best of it and you'll be fine. And don't put the idea in my wife's head I'm living on frozen pizza and beer. I am, but she doesn't need to know it

Edited January 21, 2012 by GCPony

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

I know this sounds very simplistic, but do you have any hobbies? I crochet and when I'm stressed, I crochet A LOT! It relaxes me. I go stir crazy when I'm not working and I can't imagine not being able to hop in the car or on a bus to get out. Lately, I've been so stressed with the UK Visa process (I'm going back to England with hubby) that I have a pile of finished crochet projects from the last couple of months.

Just keep remembering that your current situation is not forever...its going to get better! Good luck!!!

[sarah9 14]

Previously I've been rotating 3mths in and 3mths out for the past two years. Now I am here and married, applying for AoS.

I just can't seem to adjust to some things and it's actually quite upsetting.

Basically I'll start with the feeling of uselessness, my husband shoulders everything and supports me since I cannot work. It's very hard on him to juggle two jobs and I feel like there is nothing I can do to comfort him when he is stressed out. I am there for whenever he needs to talk, or when he just needs to shout that he hates the way things are. It hurts me deeply and I feel like nothing I can do will alleviate the situation.

My own days are spent constantly tidying up, dying of boredom, laundry, more boredom and gaming really. I'm ready to pull my hair out. I don't know how to drive and I have to wait for that ONE day a week he gets off to get anything done, which usually results in nothing getting done because he's so tired and I want him to rest. I still don't have a drivers permit and need to change the name on my SSN, but again one day a week isn't enough for all the things we need to do.

Next there is the food, I can safely say I HATE American food. Everything is junk, full of sugar or silly kinds of expensive for something healthy. When I'm here my weight balloons and I genuinely get ill from it. I've always had digestive issues but it's beyond a joke here. I am constantly doubled up with cramps because EVERYTHING I eat makes me sick. I've even recently had to do a course of antibiotics because it affected me so adversely. I live on Blimpie at the moment since it's the only 'light' thing that isn't killing me. I don't cook because asking my husband to take me grocery shopping on his day off is like asking him to put his hand in a boiling vat of oil.

I'm tired all the time, feeling nauseous, in pain and irritable. I live in a place that isn't safe for a woman to leave the house alone, I can't go out and make friends. In the UK if I needed to do something I'd just go get a bus to wherever I needed to go, do what I needed to do. Here I have to just suck it up and hope I get lucky on my one day a week. I'm really just at a loss. I'm not missing the UK but I can't stand a lot of what I encounter here.

/end rant

I know exactly how you feel!!! I can't really offer you any advice, because i'm still trying to figure out how to adjust myself...but hopefully knowing that you're not the only one, will help!!!

People around me seem to think i'm sad because i'm homesick, but that's not it at all. I just find life here very frustrating!

I too had spent 3 months at a time here, and thought that I could happily settle, but LIVING here is very different from visiting!

I wouldn't say we live in the ghetto..... but it is ghetto compared to my wonderful life in the UK, so I really sypathise with how you feel. I have no fear at all when I'm with my husband - but I often find myself paranoid about people when i'm outside by myself. I live on the outskirts of detroit, there seems to be murders etc on the news every day..... so i'd say it's a healthy paranoia.... but I still hate having that feeling of being fearful of people. I'm lucky to have a big dog in the house with me, so I do feel pretty safe at home

I too find myself getting sick from the food here, I think it's the higher fat content. Unless we're going out to a expensive restaurant, I usually get cramps in my tummy after we eat out - but I am lucky that I now do all of the cooking at home, without the fat, so my tummy is much happier But you're right, eating healthy here is more expensive, but it's worth it if it improves your heath though!

Moving to a different country is a big deal, and it is very difficult! Reading posts like yours help me remember that i'm not the only one feeling like #######.... and hopefully it will make you feel a bit better too

I always find having a good rant makes me smile, so feel free to pm me if you need to get your frustations out

Good luck

[Travis and Meghan 24]

I know this sounds very simplistic, but do you have any hobbies? I crochet and when I'm stressed, I crochet A LOT! It relaxes me. I go stir crazy when I'm not working and I can't imagine not being able to hop in the car or on a bus to get out. Lately, I've been so stressed with the UK Visa process (I'm going back to England with hubby) that I have a pile of finished crochet projects from the last couple of months.

Just keep remembering that your current situation is not forever...its going to get better! Good luck!!!

hehe, i knit, i've been knitting so much that i've decided my life's ambition is to open a store dedicated to knitting and crochet.

I"m not sure that i really have any advice for you but i know how you feel. My husband doesn't work quite as much though (only about 35-40 hours a week) but we can't afford to move out of his parents house at the moment. I haven't lived at home in more than five years so that's been a huge adjustment for me, i really hate it. They're nice but they drive me up the wall. I think that was the biggest adjustment for me, i don't do living with parents, lol. i just want a damned job so we can save money and move farrrr away. I've been here nearly four months and i've been depressed for most of that time. it's really only since this week that i've really started to get myself together again and be happy. I think mostly because i've been having so much fun knitting, lol. Might sound kind of dumb but finding a hobby that i truly love and am proud of has made a huge difference for me.

[CentaursLady 4]

I hear what you all are saying about struggling being in the US. I am due to go down in March and get married in April, and as much as I am looking so forward to that part,

the waiting for AOS after to find work will be very hard for me.

I spent six months with my love, and by the fifth month, I was itching to go back to Canada and back to work. (I am a workaholic)

We have talked about home improvement projects, which I have done quite a bit of over the years, but financially wont be able to in the house, until I work and we have more income.

And yes ladies, I too crochet and some knitting..oi.. guess im gonna have to search internet for new things to make, lol.

I love to cook, but I know just doing "housework" will not be fullfilling for me at all.

Im just glad its getting into fishing season when I head down.. I think heading down in fall as winter approaches would be even harder stuck indoors.

Best of luck to all of us as we go through transitions. Definately key is to find things to do. At least we are lucky to be with the one we love.

[TBoneTX 43,062]

Get on the Web.

Search for churches or synagogues nearby, or some a bit farther away but still within shouting distance.

Call a few and explain your situation -- such as, "These are my circumstances; do you have someone on your Volunteer Committee who'd be willing to take me to a supermarket a couple of times per week?"

Even some of the "ghetto" churches might be able to help you. People everywhere have kind hearts. Every church has people available to help senior citizens, shut-ins, and others who are in need.

Or, look for larger organizations, such as Catholic Charities.

This proposal has the additional potential benefit of opening up volunteer opportunities for you yourself.

Try it and let us know, si man.

[tuandanh 3]

You need an action plan that gets you out of your current situation.

Biggest issues it seems:

1) you are not mobile

2) you live in a bad neighborhood

3) you're not working or going to school

Regarding item 1, may I suggest going online to study the written driving test? This will help you on the path of being mobile. When you're ready, your husband should take the time off or if you guys have family or friends to take you to test. You should consider signing up for private driving lessons. This is something you can work on while your husband is at work. Then you'll probably want to investigate where you can buy a used car.

Regarding item 2 and 3, that unfortunately is something you'll have to work on. In a few months, you'll be able to work. Having the dual income will help in your chances of being able to afford a new place. Not sure where you are educationally but going to school can never hurt.

Regarding food, there has to be some local farmers markets in Atlanta. That will be your key to real food.

Also, does he have family or friends in the area with a car? That could be your out. I'm sure if they heard your situation they would drive you to the DMV or to get real groceries.

Your husband sounds overworked and exhausted but he needs to prioritze the things that will get you to be an active contributing member of the relationship. It's going to make things so much better for both of you once both parties can equally partipate in your mural success. Be patient and most of all, be proactive.