am i overreacting about this porn thing?

[Kathryn41 3,205]

thread closed for review

After review, I am re-opening this thread. Please remember that the OP has asked for advice. She has not asked for judgment and she certainly has not asked for condemnation. She is confused and seeking wiser council to help her decide what she should do. Comments and bickering directed at each other offer no useful advice and border on violating TOS. Please address your comments only to the facts of the situation - and please be sure you are not making assumptions about those facts - before you rush to a conclusion. If this thread continues to be a venue for judgmental comments or comments directed at other posters than the OP, then the thread may be closed to further discussion

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the Original Poster - this is not as black and white a situation as many here seem to think. Please seek some professional counselling for you and your husband to determine if he is indeed suffering from a renewal of an addiction he had previously controlled or if he has been hiding things from you all along. No marriage is perfect and by your own admission there have been good times as well as bad times, with the good times occurring most recently until this last incident. You may decide that you don't wish to continue in the marriage, but it sounds to me like you would both benefit from some professional counselling.

Good luck at your Citizenship interview!

Edited January 5, 2012 by Kathryn41

[TiklingGuy 211]

John, (for the most part) I agree with you.

IMO...porn is for the sexually immature, sexually naive, sexually depraved and sexually starved. (but) I don't think someone is automatically addicted to porn but it can certainly become an addiction and pervert / corrupt / pollute / deprive a marriage of true intimacy. I think porn can have a similar affect on a relationship as alcohol consumption. Some can handle a few drinks and others can't stop until the bottle is empty. I believe that an additiction to porn can destroy a relationship just as any other addiction.

In no way is porn "healthy". It is a vice. Period.

I have a friend that i was in the Marine Corps with 10 years ago. I got to hang out with him 3 years ago when he came to town on a Marine Corps recruiting compaign. He brought his entire porn collection with him while he was on the road away from his wife. I knew his wife as well when i was in. She apparently had no problem with it. Who knows maybe they were just both into it "whatever tickles their fancy i guess".

I personally do not like pornagraphy because i used to be wrapped up in it, until i was freed from it. But i do feel that the more someone looks at it, the more that vice traps you. If the OP chooses to pleasure himself with porn instead of embracing his wife then that is a huge problem. But i think it is fixable.

I agree with you as well, addiction can destroy relationships. Hopefully this guy can get himself under control.

Edited January 5, 2012 by Dex22

[Boiler 43,761]

I blinked and missed 5 pages.

Must be one of the hottest topics here for a very long time.

[Laure&Colin 435]

The problem with being "non-judgemental" by all means is that in some situations, it equals putting your head down in the sand and refuse to see reality as it is.

That's what the OP did 5 years ago when she found incestuous videos in the computer but preferred to think it was ok if he stopped.

Reality here is far beyond "he likes porn and she doesn't".

Like I said from the beginning, I think this couple needs counselling but the husband in particular requires professional help urgently. Say "incest porn" and "gave virgin wife a sexually transmitted disease but refused to recognize it" to a family counsellor and see if they disagree.

Based on what OP says, and if proof can be provided that he is a porn addict and watching incest videos, I don't think she will have much difficulty getting sole custody of their child. And I think it'd be fair enough that she could go back to her home country after being abused by this troubled man who lied to her about who he is.

[TiklingGuy 211]

Thats what i hate about America. People are so quick to get a divorce over something that can be easily fixed. Easily fixed by distroying your computer or TV in order to stop defaulting to a lustfull addiction. OP you should do that. Destroy the computer or TV in order to keep him away from that garbage.

[Matt1968 13]

Thats what i hate about America. People are so quick to get a divorce over something that can be easily fixed. Easily fixed by distroying your computer or TV in order to stop defaulting to a lustfull addiction. OP you should do that. Destroy the computer or TV in order to keep him away from that garbage.

Normally, I'm in agreement with you about people getting divorce so quickly over trivial things or getting a divorce because of nonsense(Kim Khardasian) but in this case I wouldn't blame her. As far as destroying computer or TV, that won't solve it because he'll just buy another one and continue. I think laure & Colin said it best about the situation. This couple definately needs counseling and the hubby desperatly needs professional help. The situation is definately a tough one, but the OP can rise above it.

Matt

[TiklingGuy 211]

Normally, I'm in agreement with you about people getting divorce so quickly over trivial things or getting a divorce because of nonsense(Kim Khardasian) but in this case I wouldn't blame her. As far as destroying computer or TV, that won't solve it because he'll just buy another one and continue. I think laure & Colin said it best about the situation. This couple definately needs counseling and the hubby desperatly needs professional help. The situation is definately a tough one, but the OP can rise above it.

Matt

Yea i could see that. If she destroyed his TV and Computer he would probably be mad at her for it. I think he needs to be the one to get rid of his TV or Computer if wants to get rid of this problem. I used to be wrapped up in Pornagraphy and thats what i did. The Temptation was still there afterwards, but i had some great friends to help with accountability.

I know this is very personal to me, but i was not intimate with my ex-wife for over a year because of pornagraphy. Not because she didn't want to, but because i did not want to. I was so twisted and wrapped up in it that it was a big reason that me and her are divorced. That was 9 years ago and alot has been learned, mindsets and lifestyles have been changed. But i blame myself and that was my biggest failure in my life was my divorce.

[Matt1968 13]

Yea i could see that. If she destroyed his TV and Computer he would probably be mad at her for it. I think he needs to be the one to get rid of his TV or Computer if wants to get rid of this problem. I used to be wrapped up in Pornagraphy and thats what i did. The Temptation was still there afterwards, but i had some great friends to help with accountability.

I know this is very personal to me, but i was not intimate with my ex-wife for over a year because of pornagraphy. Not because she didn't want to, but because i did not want to. I was so twisted and wrapped up in it that it was a big reason that me and her are divorced. That was 9 years ago and alot has been learned, mindsets and lifestyles have been changed. But i blame myself and that was my biggest failure in my life was my divorce.

I'm sorry that happened to you, my friend. I understand where you are coming from. I think alot of people reading this thread take it personal because of the effect it can have on a marriage and most of us have dealt with porn one way or another in our relationship. I think with the OP she had other factors than just the porn. There was the incest videos, there was the abuse, there was the lying. They tried to seek help and he improved initially but went right back to where he was. Not trying to judge her husband, but i think she can do better. She was obviously concerned about it, otherwise she wouldn't have brought it to our attention. I take it personal because i'm sick of guys mistreating women and taking them for granted. Am i biased in this case, perhaps, because I deal with these types of men often. My only advice to OP would be, don't think about your life as it is right now. Think about the kind of life you would have in five years if you are still with this guy. Do you think he will change? Will he keep saying things you want to hear just to keep you around? Will he appreciate you and the sacrifices you've made from him? You are in this situation so only you will know. Ask yourself some tough questions and answer them honestly and you will know what to do.

Matt

Edited January 5, 2012 by Matt1968

[Adriene H 89]

Giving advice, like most have here, is based on knowing facts. Then based on these facts and using your JUDGEMENT, you give the best advice you can.

Matt

Like accusing VJ'ers of wearing black robes.. kind of hypocritical right?

Sometimes I wear a white jacket ... straight ... with long arms

Edited January 5, 2012 by Adriene H

[Dan & Jenni 457]

Sometimes I wear a white jacket ... straight ... with long arms

oh and im laughing with you rather than at you... just wanted to make that clear in case we ever bump in to each other haha

[Dan & Jenni 457]

Think about the kind of life you would have in five years if you are still with this guy. Do you think he will change? Will he keep saying things you want to hear just to keep you around? Will he appreciate you and the sacrifices you've made from him? You are in this situation so only you will know. Ask yourself some tough questions and answer them honestly and you will know what to do.

Matt

:thumbs:

[Adriene H 89]

oh and im laughing with you rather than at you... just wanted to make that clear in case we ever bump in to each other haha

I was hoping to make someone laugh ... it makes my day

[Dan & Jenni 457]

I was hoping to make someone laugh ... it makes my day

you made me laugh the little things like bringing a smile to someones face suddenly become more important than ever... that is what i am finding anyway

[giving_up 3]

Okay, so, last night the man I married and I spoke on the phone and first he kept denying that he had the movie in the house which makes no sense since I found the receipt and I believe he must have gotten rid of that dvd by now. Then he was telling me that if when I first saw the receipt I had told him "this is what I found and I don't like it" (which I did), he would have said "I'm sorry you found the receipt" LOL I'm sorry you found the receipt???! ha!

Then he told me he doesn't understand why I see things like this, that him having done that is nothing and it's not a big deal, that he doesn't see anything wrong in it. He says that since I was back in my country he could have gone clubbing or going out with friends but that he didn't do it and that instead he stayed home and did this and I shouldn't be this upset because it could have been worse. He also told me that maybe I'm better off with someone else. I told him that he wasn't making things better with the things he was telling me, I told him that the fact that he says that this is not a big deal knowing that it would hurt me so much makes me feel worse because if this is nothing for him then what else would he think is okay later?

Anyway, he had to go back to work and I was very upset at home, he made things even worse with this conversation. I didn't even want to see him last night, I wanted him to go stay at his sister's, so I called him to tell him so but he didn't pick up. He called me 5 times and I didn't pick up, I was too mad to pick up and I didn't want to say things I'd regret. Anyway, he came home one hour early, maybe he got worried because I didn't pick up and then we never spoke.

This morning I took our daughter to preschool and he was home, when I came back I just went back to bed as I haven't been sleeping well for the last 4 days and then he went to the bedroom and told me that yesterday he was calling to apologize because after thinking a lot (for 30 mins)he realized that he had made a mistake and that he accepted his responsibility. I said "aha, and now what?" and he didn't say anything, I told him I don't feel comfortable with him now, and I also made sure to tell him that this is not only about what happened this time, but it was about him breaking a promise and that this made me think about all his abuse, his disrespect, all the lies and that I didn't think I could be with him anymore. He only whispered "okay..." I told him now I even feel like he must never change our daughter's clothes, he laughed and said "what? really? wowwwwww" I told him I didn't did this, that he was the one who did this and then he looked very sad, the last time I saw him like that was when his dad died. I told him I wasn't saying things to upset him, that this is how he's made me feel now.

After that, he didn't speak anymore, he didn't give any solution, and I'm still too disappointed to "suggest" any solution to fix things and stay together. Like I told him, if this had happened before the baby I would have left the night I found the receipt, because it's not just the fact that he was looking at porn, but it's everything, all the lies, all the disrespect and I just have to do something about it, I can't take these ups and downs anymore. I need consistency in my life.

[Robert&Karen 264]

Not letting him change your daughter's clothes? Sounds like overreacting. He watches porn, he is not a child abuser, rapist, or sex criminal for viewing stuff that is, at the end of the day, legal. Counseling is definitely in order for BOTH of you.