name changing

[rkk1 34]

When my fiance was originally courting me many months ago (before I accepted to be his girlfriend), I once asking him (teasingly) if he'd be willing to take his wife's surname. He told me that if he found his dreamgirl (i.e. 'me' at that time), then he'd happily take her name.

Some months later when we got engaged, I reminded him of his promise to take my surname after marriage, and he smilingly told me "We'll see."

(Truth be told, I wasn't really going to make him take my surname, but I thought it would be great if we both changed our names to include each other's as part of it.)

Last month, we discussed the issue again and he told me that it would mean a lot to him and his family if I took his surname. He said that he wasn't going to try to force me to do it, as it was my choice, but he would really like it. At that point, I brought up the idea that we could both change our names... in that I could take his surname while keeping my maiden name as my new middle name. He could also take my maiden name as his middle name, while keeping his last name as his own. This would still be a bigger chance for me, as I'd have a new lastname, while he'd merely have a new middle name. He said he liked his idea, and to show support, started addressing his emails to me with his new name.

Although it was weird to me to hear his last name added to mine, I started getting used to it, and started liking it.

Yesterday, I had a last talk with him to finalize the details, as I'm putting together our I-130 packet (as we are getting married in a few weeks), and wanted to confirm that I should put our new names on it, since I was assuming we'd request those new names at the time of registering the marriage. He mentioned again how much he'd like it if I'd take his surname. I started discussing the practicalities of the name change, how we'd both have to send letters to government agencies, creditors, etc and get a new passport and driver's license in our new names.

After I mentioned all this, he got quiet and said we should just keep our names the way they are, as he doesn't want to go through the trouble of getting a new passport, changing the info on his bank accounts, etc. I tried to explain to him that it's not really such a huge deal as a large percent of people do it who change their name after marriage, but he again re-iterated that he didn't want to. He said we'll both just keep our original names. I was (and still am) a bit disappointed as I had started liking the idea of new names for both of us. So I guess I'm not changing my name after all.

My fiance typically treats me like a queen, but this sort of back-tracking makes me sad. This is not the first time he's done stuff like this, as he starts off on one end of the spectrum (i.e. taking his wife's name), then agrees for us to both change our names, and then doesn't want to change his name at all. It just makes me scared, because I wonder what other promises he'll also start back-tracking on after we get married.

Edited October 30, 2011 by rkk1

[rkk1 34]

Since no one apparently has anything to contribute to my thread... I will just say for myself what I'm feeling... and that is that marriage seems like hard work! It's very rewarding and wonderful to be loved, but it sure is hard to make compromises and merge your life with someone else's. You have to give up a lot of what you want or a lot of what you believe in, in order to adjust with another person and what he/she wants. It's very fantastic, but very frustrating at the same time. This will be my first marriage, so these are my thoughts at present.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Since no one apparently has anything to contribute to my thread... I will just say for myself what I'm feeling... and that is that marriage seems like hard work! It's very rewarding and wonderful to be loved, but it sure is hard to make compromises and merge your life with someone else's. You have to give up a lot of what you want or a lot of what you believe in, in order to adjust with another person and what he/she wants. It's very fantastic, but very frustrating at the same time. This will be my first marriage, so these are my thoughts at present.

I completely understand. You will inevitably lose a part of yourself when you get married. It's a constant compromise.

I personally think he lied to you in the beginning about taking your name. Waiting until he could convince you to take his name. Then when you offered a compromise he tried it out to get you into the idea of taking his last name but when you told him what he had to do that was his "out" of doing it. He hopes that you'll come around, as you said you're sad it's not going to happen. I guarantee that if you said to him that you've decided to take his name that he'll be REALLY happy about it. I think he's manipulating you. Using you? Possibly but it could also be that this is how he'll plan on "controlling" you during marriage... manipulation (subtle but it'll work).

It's common to have fears. This is one of the reasons we went the K1 route. We only lived together for 2 months before I returned home to start the K1 process. We got married 2 months after I arrived but this was extra time for me to see how we worked together for a long period. I am Australian though so no cultural issues.

Protect yourself. I looked into divorce (so did Tony) so we knew what to expect if it came to that (some states you have to be legally separated for a year first). Consider a pre-nup. Ask questions about finances. For instance would he want to control all the money? Would you share accounts? It will be interesting to hear the answers to these questions. What about if/when you have children. Would you be a stay-at-home mum? Or would you work? Is he okay with either choice? You might have asked these questions already but like the last name one, the answers may have changed...

Edited October 31, 2011 by Vanessa&Tony

[Alex & Rachel 78]

I'm not so sure he lied.

It IS a hassle to change your name, especially for men (who, in many cases, have to pay money to change their name legally). There are so many things these days that have your name on. I still have two bank accounts, a store card and my student loans in my maiden name. Even if it doesn't cost money to change, it still takes time and filling out a lot of paperwork. If I hadn't been so keen to ditch my last name (because it was boring!), I probably would've ended up keeping it.

Perhaps he did honestly intend to change his name, but, once he realised how many things he'd have to change and renew, he decided against it.

I'd really only take the refusal to change his name as indicative of a larger problem depending on what other things he's back-tracked on.

[EmigratingSwede 16]

From what I understand taking your wife's name is very uncommon in the U.S. My wife's extended family was a bit puzzled that I took her name (Though very accepting of it). In Sweden it is not that uncommon (about 17% of couples do it). Luckily it is very easy for a man to change his name in Sweden, and since we have all that over and done with way ahead of our move to the U.S the red tape in the U.S won't be a problem. I chose to take my wife's name since it was more interesting and uncommon then my last name which was one of the more common Swedish last names.

[rkk1 34]

Hi, thank you all for the thoughtful advice! Posting here was really helpful for me to sort out my emotions, as I was scared to show my fiance that I was feeling angry about the situation. However, I did talk to him today, telling him that I was feeling angry and scared about the broken promises (as I was worried that he would continue on this path in our marriage). We had a nice discussion, and he handled things really maturely. He didn't realize that I was upset about the name change thing, and told me that if I really wanted him to change, then he'd be more than glad to do so... he just thought that I also didn't want to because of the trouble involved. So he says he's on board if I really want this.

I don't know though if it would be easier to change the name in India or in the US. As EmigratingSwede and Alex&Rachel mentioned, there may be logistical issues. I think India is a much harder country to get a name change, as typically men don't. So we have to find out the procedure (as the officials may require bribes etc). So I don't know if we should just do this in the US or not after he gets here... though that would mean that our marriage certificate would have our original names. My fiance was also concerned that if he changed his name and passport in India, would there be a problem when we apply for his visa (as that would have his old passport info) and not match the new passport? So I don't know how all this would work.

Thanks also Vanessa&Tony for suggesting I be careful in the relationship. I know my fiance is a great guy, but I still did take to heart what you had to say. And it helped me confront him on this issue today, as I told him that I was afraid of a developing pattern. As I mentioned, he handled things extremely well and didn't get angry at me at all for confronting him, but instead listened gently. He's a keeper. But your ideas did help me to figure out what I was scared about.

[DeeDee&Sam 68]

honestly, i felt really weird about having my husband's last name and i didnt really want to do it. after 2 days of using it after we got married it was nothing. i dont regret it, even if my husband enjoyed the idea of taking my name. in the end we decided to do it the traditional way