Have I been used?/Is she using me?

[Josie-Be-Happy 11]

As a woman, I feel very emotional hurt by your story. The way you treat your wife demonstrates what an amazing man you are and there are so many women out there that would love to have a man just like you. I don't think that you need affirmation about your relationship, just listen to everything you have written. Read it over and over, you know what the answer is. I don't like to judge people but it really does sound like she is using you and she's very materialistic. I couldn't agree with you more - her past relationship should be left in the past, but for some reason, she is hanging onto her x-boyfriend. I find her actions to be insulting and very disrespectful to you as her husband, not a boyfriend. Don't feel like you would be hurt if you knew she started to see someone else. Be grateful that you ended a relationship that was one-sided. The money that you put into the relationship is materialistic and something that you cannot get back, but you can prevent further financial loss if you choose to end your marriage. I wish you the best of luck....you will find a great woman when you least expect it. And as time passes, you will look back at this relationship and be elated that you ended it. I am saying this to you as if you were my brother. Some women just don't deserve a wonderful man like you.

[Ning 619]

I do not know what to do,and maybe I am TOO BLIND to see the REALITY but I need honest opinions/answers.

I met a girl in 2009 and after a few visits, we decided we would get married. So, in december of that year we got married. But its almost as if that same night,she changed. And here is what I will explain.

She became unemployed and wanted to start a business,but had no money, and I,out of good faith, sent her money to be able to start this business,and because those particular items were expensive there, I purchased them here at half the price to be able to help her out. I had already visited her twice at this time.

The night of our wedding,when we were meant to have the "first dance" as the newly wedded couple in front of 200+ people,she didn't want to, because she said she was "embarrassed" by it and did not want to do it, and I felt very bad inside because to me, I felt that it was the most important/intimate/special moment of our lives getting married. Well...the wedding went from 7:00-1:00 in the morning, and then after that, when we got home, I THOUGHT that we were going to have a "romantic" rest of the night,...but we never even "consumated" the marriage, instead...she just went to sleep. She just simply said "i'm tired, i'm going to bed"

So I felt that was very wierd that those 2 things occurred on our wedding night. Anyways, I left 4 weeks later because I had to return to keep studying.

And I returned in may of 2010. Everytime I go down there, I always make sure to bring her something. But when I get there, she asks me straight away BEFORE asking how I am "so what did you bring me?!?!?", and well, we get to her place, and so she asks me that again, and I give it to her, and as soon as I have given her the things that I have brought for her, its almost as if her interest immediately turns off.Like I don't exist.

So while I was down there, I also found out that a particular ex boyfriend from 2-3 years previous kept sending her emails with photos of them when they were together and she would keep them and I personally felt that it was very disrespectful since I am married to her. And only after begging her to get rid of them, did she get rid of them. She states that there is nothing anymore between them, but that day until the day I left in August 2010, I felt very unawkward with her.

So in DECEMBER of that same year (2010)I decided to take her to a place for vacation, and there was a beach there, we went for like 5 days. On the beach, everytime I tried to walk close to her to put my arm around her or hold her hand, she would just walk away, and when we ate together, there was nothing but this dead silence, and I would try to start a conversation with her, and she wouldn't talk at all. I did not know WHAT was wrong, I asked her and she said "oh nothing"

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, after this particular continual "strange behaviour" I asked her family/friends "Is she just like this with me?? or was she like this with all her ex boyfriends???"

And to my surprise, her brother said "She always cooked for all her ex boyfriends everytime they came over and had it ready for them"...and for me,she won't even make me a sandwich. I am the one that has to cook, if I dont cook...we don't eat. She is from a CENTRAL/SOUTH AMERICAN COUNTRY.

So, I also said to them "she ses she never stayed out late either",and immediately her freinds replied "noooo,she used to stay out until 4:00-5:00 in the morning in night clubs with her ex boyfriends dancing with them and partying"....but yet with ME on our wedding night and even after, I can't get her to dance with me(we have not even danced once yet as a couple) and she ALWAYS wants to go to bed early at like 10:00-11:00 everytime I'm there.

One day, she left open her email, and well, I saw ALOT of attatchment photos from a year or so previos before I was in her life. And when I opened up the photos, they were all still with her ex boyfriends, all smiling and happy,...but yet with me, there is not a single photo where she is smiling.

Whenever we talk, she only asks me "what" am I going to bring her, and "why" haven't I done her papers yet. Well...after the may 2010 incident, I started to become skeptical about even doing her papers because I thought "if shes like this now, I dont want to know what she'll be like if/when I bring her here to the U.S."

She never writes me....she never calls me. She can CALL ME FOR FREE WITH A MAGICJACK and NEVER calls me. When I call, it costs me between $5-$10 everytime I call. If I dont call, she won't call me. EVEN WHEN IM THERE IN HER COUNTRY, she will simply go to work from 9:00 in the morning until 8:00 at night, and I won't hear from her AT ALL during the WHOLE DAY NIGHT...nothing. And when she gets home, she won't talk to me, she'll just come home,...take a shower, eat,..and go to bed and I try to start a conversation with her, and she just won't even talk to me.

Whenever I have money,I'm good for her, whenever I don't have money,...I feel like im simply discarted straight away.

My dad died last year in October, and when he died, she didn't say/do anything,...instead she went off and played bingo with her friends.I tried to justify it saying "well, she didn't know him personally so she can't really feel anything?!",...but once again, my friends said to me "weather or not she knew him or not, your her husband and she still has to offer some type of emotional support"...(which she didn't)

What I'm TRYING TO GET AT HERE WITH EVERYONE, is that I PERSONALLY FEEL, that as her HUSBAND she should do EQUAL TO AND MORE than she has done with her ex boyfriends,...especially if I'm the "love of her life". But....her behavior seems to tell me otherwise. She just doesn't show any interest in me at all.

For our anniversary of 6 months I was in her country, and I took her out to eat, and I wanted to have a good night with her, instead, she wanted to go home by 8:00 and was in bed by 8:30...so I let THAT ONE GO.

For our 1 YEAR anniversary, i was there in her country. WELL, knowing what happened with the 6 month anniversary, I decided to go romantic, and walked from one side of her city to the other looking for rose petals, and candles, and that same night, I cooked for her.

When she came home, she didn't even look impressed, she ate what I cooked for her, then just went straight up stairs, took a shower and went to bed.

I WAS DEVASTATED!!!. I don't understand...I don't know what I've done wrong. When I explain this situation to a few of my friends, they say "she doesn't love you and is using you"

I was MEANT to go there NOW in June, BUT where I was meant to arrive is an extremely dangerous city, and I asked her "can you please come to this city to pick me up, I don't feel safe here alone to make it to your city"....knowing HOW DANGEROUS it is,..she said "no,because it costs money to pick you up"..

But yet she had a boyfriend from a few years previous in that SAME CITY who she would visit every week to two weeks. SOOOOO I said "well, if you can't even come here to pick up your own HUSBAND yet you can go visit some doochebag boyfriend, I'm not comming"...SO I didn't go there. I missed my flight and the money on the flight was wasted because it was non-refundable....

What do I do??? Am I being used?? I have spent a lot of time with her, ADDING UP ALL THE VISITS I have done there, it totals 1 year.

Help me please....Im at a loss for words. I really feel that "fixing her papers" to come here legally WONT change anything, if anything, it will make it worse, because of how she acts NOW and how shes acted for the past 2 years...help me please

You lived this, write this & need others to tell you what to do? If anyone sent this to you asking for advice what would it be?

Are you being used? You are doing it to yourself. You are responcible for all of this. You are the enabler. You must know this. Did you have this in other relationships? Who holds your hand when you have a problem?

Help yourself while you can. If you dont do what you know you must what will you do later? What price will you pay to get what you want or think you had?

Put yourself first for a change & get on with your life. I know a hundred women that would never treat you like this. You just need one. It isnt this one. The investment you made didnt work. Accept your fate & move on. If not accept the fact you need someone to abuse you & live with that fact.

[haveibeenused 1]

It TRULY does suck. Because even when we are living apart, her in her country and me here in the U.S. I tried my HARDEST to bridge the gap so that there was no type of "distance thing" to make things easier.

So I'd send her roses/flowers/chocolates almost EVERY MONTH, to show my appreciation and love for her. The place eventually knew that when I called, to just charge my card.

But its like not even that impressed her. The first time yes,but like after that, she didn't care less.

In fact...even when I was THERE in HER COUNTRY, I'd still buy her roses/flowers and bring them personally to her while she was at work.

Wow...im such a #######....so blind.

I want to let everyone know that I was also BORN in ANOTHER 1st world country, and YES, shes tried numerous occaisons to try and get me to live there as well. But NOOOOOOOOO not in her country, any country BUT her country. The only thing is that I haven't lived in my country of birth in like 10+ years. I said I was willing,but once again...one of the first things she asked me was "as soon as we live there,can I go to the U.S. afterwards without a visa???" (because where I was born,english speaking 1st world country does not require a visa, its under the VWP)

And even WORSE,is that I work for a lawyer and have 7 years+ experience in immigration law as a paralegal and well,..soooo caught up in her, that I crashed the LSAT exam as well (my own fault) Because I myself see this every single day where I work at.

Once again...I guess I must be right behind mcat in regards to blindness...all I need now is for him to chime in.

Also TXbone who has a wife from Ecuador, I'm waiting his comments also.

[Channah&Aaron 51]

; She is using your for your money, whether she gets 5 bucks from you or 500... .

This scammer girl is only focused on the gifts you bring back to her and her papers to stay in the US .

Darn, when I lived in Holland and my, at that time, fiance came to visit me, I didn't want to have any gifts other to have a big bow around him

She is very materialistic as of she doesn't have any money and you are her bank .

The fact that she still receives/looks at pictures from her previous relationship on her computer says enough .

Like you said, it's very disrespectful towards you now you two are married.

The way she treated you on your wedding day/night is very very very MUCHO ODD .

She is a scammer

LOVE IS A PARTNERSHIP, NOT SOME ONE WAY STREET & besides, it takes TWO to Tango

Good luck, you'll find yourself a very good girl who loves you as much as you love this girl. But staying with this scammers only takes away this wonderful chance .

Edited September 16, 2011 by Channah&Aaron

[Joe and Ann 6]

I rarely say this to anyone directly, because I don't like to meddle any more than Ann and I like to have people meddle in our relationship, but you need to hire a decent divorce attorney and move on. If your wife could stand to not hear from you for three weeks, then my earlier assessment, that she had already let you go, seems spot on.

As you can see from the flag next to this post, my wife is from the Philippines. I was in the habit of calling her every morning (she would also call me on my cell and talk for a few minutes when I got to work) and every evening (with texts in between; she did the same while I was asleep and she was at work) ... thank God for the the AT&T World Plan. I would get up VERY early in the morning to talk to her. One morning, after a long night of doing both client work and studying for my MBA, I crashed and overslept. I was awakened by a call from Ann. She was both upset and worried about me. When I explained that I overslept, she said that she understood and told me to go back to sleep for a while and just call when I woke up; that she would just be at home helping Daine with his school work. That kind of love and understanding, brother, is what you deserve.

I am sure you will find someone out there that will appreciate you. Once again, take care, and God bless!

Joe

[gna781 1]

As a woman, I feel very emotional hurt by your story. The way you treat your wife demonstrates what an amazing man you are and there are so many women out there that would love to have a man just like you. I don't think that you need affirmation about your relationship, just listen to everything you have written. Read it over and over, you know what the answer is. I don't like to judge people but it really does sound like she is using you and she's very materialistic. I couldn't agree with you more - her past relationship should be left in the past, but for some reason, she is hanging onto her x-boyfriend. I find her actions to be insulting and very disrespectful to you as her husband, not a boyfriend. Don't feel like you would be hurt if you knew she started to see someone else. Be grateful that you ended a relationship that was one-sided. The money that you put into the relationship is materialistic and something that you cannot get back, but you can prevent further financial loss if you choose to end your marriage. I wish you the best of luck....you will find a great woman when you least expect it. And as time passes, you will look back at this relationship and be elated that you ended it. I am saying this to you as if you were my brother. Some women just don't deserve a wonderful man like you.

Coulndt have said it better myself. The only thing she should want as a present IS YOU

[moroccogirlny 100]

Take this from a woman......RUN FAST!

See how fast she starts contacting you once you stop contacting her.

You have to love yourself first. The first few weeks can be the hardest. Connect with friends, family and support groups. Take up new hobbies. This shall pass.

You'll look back one day and say thank goodness you never brought her here.

Stay strong.

[haveibeenused 1]

I've tried for so long to keep this relationship afloat. In all honesty,...in the 2 years that we have been married, she has never bought ANYTHING for me...not a single thing. It really sucks. Like 1 year ago I wanted to end it, but I couldn't find the strength within me to do it. I didn't want to lose her, didn't want to lose everything that I had worked so hard for...

But then again..it should be that "we have worked so hard for", and everyone is right. Its been nothing but a 1 way street.

When I say I was going to end it 1 year ago, was because of her disinterest when my dad died, how without emotion/feeling she had. She was like "ah,ok,sorry." And thats it. I went through the roof.

When I was down there, I got sick from drinking the water or something that I ate...and I THOUGHT that she was going to be there for me,...but what did she do??? got up, got dressed, left me there in the house alone. Never called once to see how I was doing.

I really have a feeling that if I were to go there to her country, I'd do something that I'd probably regret. I'd more than likely snap and do something regrettable because I wouldn't be able to let it keep happening =(

[Russ and Jie 2]

I think the biggest surprise is that it has taken you this long to figure it out. Cut your losses buddy. Sounds like you've been depressed from this for a long time.

[maya62 7]

Wow. This story is so sad. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. But looking back, I see now that my former situation had nothing to do with love, and frankly (sorry to be blunt) but I don't think love for each other has anything to do with your situation as you have described it here.

I think you have been in love with some combination of: an idealized romance involving "rescuing" someone from their predicament (the previous sponsor backing out), an idealized romance with an exotic foreign woman, an idealized vision of who you think she could/should be (not who she really is) or some toxic combination of those, with a garnish of codependency.

And she seems to be in love with the idea of getting something for nothing, including a ride to the US.

Beating yourself up about what has happened is adding insult to injury. I am guessing (and forgive my presumption) that you already have fairly low self-esteem to have tolerated her behaviour thus far. Don't make it worse by saying, either out loud / in writing / to yourself that you are stupid. Just learn and move on. Think about what real love and a happy marriage would look like, not only at the beginning, but 5, 10, 50 years into it... then look for that.

I can't imagine why you would think she will have a happy relationship with anyone. Once the first blush of new love wears off, look what they're in for!

Best wishes OP,

Maya

PS I found it very helpful to take an extended break from dating anyone (years), just to learn how to be happy and peaceful on my own.... you may find that helpful too...

[Ahema 0]

im sorry dear frnd but u already know ur answer let her go she don,t just a phone call bye and u are free . but VJ we all members love u and want u to be happy . go ur way dear bless u and pls my question is what country is she from pls ?( well im sorry to say this but she is a pain in the ####)

[haveibeenused 1]

country is she from pls ?( well im sorry to say this but she is a pain in the ####)

To put the question to rest, although it really isn't important (to an extent), she is from MEXICO.

[haveibeenused 1]

Beating yourself up about what has happened is adding insult to injury. I am guessing (and forgive my presumption) that you already have fairly low self-esteem to have tolerated her behaviour thus far. Don't make it worse by saying, either out loud / in writing / to yourself that you are stupid. Just learn and move on. Think about what real love and a happy marriage would look like, not only at the beginning, but 5, 10, 50 years into it... then look for that.

PS I found it very helpful to take an extended break from dating anyone (years), just to learn how to be happy and peaceful on my own.... you may find that helpful too...

Thats about right. It has given me very low self-esteem. And I've been very depressed over this, and even suicide has crossed my mind over the incident because of how she has treated me.

I just have NEVER-EVER-EVER-EVER-EVER been able to make sense that if your married to someone,....you should treat them way better and have way more enthusiasm than you had with some ex-boyfriend. =(

And believe me, that is what we'd crash over each and everytime. Was her complete "disinterest" that she has/had in me.

Oh well...I guess I can finally buy a few things for myself...

[gna781 1]

To put the question to rest, although it really isn't important (to an extent), she is from MEXICO.

There are very many mexican girls who trully will be with you for what a wonderful person you are trust me

I am the happiest (mexican) girl with my husband and I actually, like you, lost my father recently (may 25th this year) and had all the love and suppourt from him to help me get through it.

In fact I dont think I could say I would be okay right now If he hadnt helped and is still helping me deal with the pain. Dont feel guilty for ending things. You tried and thats all that matters

I GARAUNTEE you will find someone who trully cherishes you. I dont see how anyone wouldnt appreciate that

[Vicky and Larry 27]

It seems to me that you needed a sounding board, and perhaps, one last ditched attempt at finding out what may cause her behaviour. I don't think you are going to unlock some secret that someone on VJ may know about that could be attributed to your wifes' behaviour. I think you may have entered into marriage with someone who is either dishonest about their intentions or at best very confused about relationships. I can only make assumptions based on the information that you have provided, and from that I would ask whether you have ever sat down with her and explained to her how her behaviour makes you feel.? I think you need to be honest with her about the expectations you have and the disappointment and hurt you feel. I am not saying you should excuse her or give her the benefit of the doubt, but in any other marriage I would say that communication is key.

Tell her what you have told us. Tell her how you FEEL. I think once you have had that conversation it will be a lot clearer to you what your next steps should be. You are looking for answers, but I feel your answers lie between you and your wife. Go find them....listen to yourself.

Be strong and wise, and choose what is the best path for you.

Good luck!