He never says sorry...

[Mithra 1,185]

Generally speaking I am not one for playing games with people; however, I learned that my husband does not like if I do the silent treatment/ignoring the problem back at him. That is what he used to do to deal with problems that arose and once I started giving him back what he gave me, he realized it wasn't pleasant and he opened up more. If I acted like I didn't care he would approach me to talk it over. It's strange, I know. Not saying this would work for you but maybe if you backed off a bit after an argument or issue instead of trying to fix it right away, he may be more willing to open up? I have found that most men need some space after a problem before they are willing to discuss it and fix it.

I am just the opposite of my husband. I am one to communicate everything that is going on with myself including my feelings. He on the other hand doesn't want to talk about anything. I have tried to stress the importance of communication, but its like he just doesn't get it or doesn't care. I have written him emails expressing my feelings and thoughts and I never get a response or even an indication that he actually read it. I sure hope with time he comes to realize it is just easier to talk about the problem and move on instead of ignoring each other. I am always the one to start talking to him again and its like he gets by with his harsh attitude. I am a problem solver and I can't stand it when there is tension - I have to fix it.

I am not saying I am an angel, but I do admit when I am wrong and I am always willing to ask for forgiveness.

[kforever 2]

hi

i morocan woman i come her almost 3 months so i feel same thing my husband argue with me alot also he never say sorry even if sometimes its his mistakes he always told me that the wife she is the key and she who mad prob and solve the prob MY HUSBAND HE IS NOT MOROCCAN but when i read u post i can say same thing happend to me when i was in morocco thing was deferent also i stard get nervous easly because day and night just at home i would like from time ramadan intern i never go out with him because he is really busy so u need to undestand fo u husband he is really hard for him to everything change also to stay home without do anything

i think everyhtign will be good specialy they said that the hard time is the first year of mariage if u pass evrythign will be fine just be patient .

Edited September 5, 2010 by kforever

[moroccogirlny 100]

Part of the depression may come from not being able to financially support you right now however he must make a move to get a job. He also might feel shy to interact with other people right now. Are there any English classes at a local library or maybe volunteer so he could atleast interact with others now which could help him feel more secure?

[doodlebugg 10]

Hi - I haven't been here for a while and only popped by to see if we can get tips for my husband's AOS interview in Boston but then I saw your thread. If you can, try to imagine the roles reversed. You are in the country in Morocco where very few people speak English. It's Christmas season and no one around you celebrates it. There are no Christmas trees, no Ruldolph the Red-nosed Reindeer playing on the radio and the food is all foreign to you. What you wouldn't give for a little eggnog and a nice turkey dinner with mashed taters, stuffing, cranberry sauce, applie pie, etc.

Now imagine that you're a man who grew up dreaming of supporting his own family but there's one problem - in this country you are in, your degree means nothing and there are no jobs available other than washing dishes. Your wife is actually supporting you financially - total opposite of what would make your peers in your home country look up to you.

TV is all foreign to you and you just don't get the jokes because they're based on things you know nothing about.

Would you be depressed? What would you need to help you to feel better? Your family is thousands of miles away so there's no familiar shoulder to cry on and your pride prevents you from opening up to your wife. What would you need to help you?

I just think that instead of viewing him as not taking advantage of all the USA has to offer, maybe it would be more helpful to step into his shoes and try to see the world through his eyes right now. See if he'll go to counseling with you - present it in such a way that he'll listen to the idea, like maybe it's part of the whole immigration process and it's normal for immigrants to get counseling to help them through the transition phase. Decorate your home with little paper lanterns from the party store and make some Moroccan dishes. If I were in Morocco with no family, the smell of a homemade turkey dinner would certainly make me crack a smile and feel loved. Try to see if you can set up Skype so that he can talk to his family. Talking to my husband's sisters definitely improved his spirits in the beginning.

Most importantly try to find him a job. You might think he can do this on his own but seriously things are different here and he will need help. Once he starts working he'll get some self esteem, make a few friends and who knows, maybe turn his depression inside out.

I wish you luck. The first year of any marriage is hard but throw a totally different culture into the mix and you have yourself on a rollercoaster. Fasten your seatbelt and hook up with some other wives who have been through it.

[Ban Hammer 12,857]

+1 for the doodle

[Batta 6]

Generally speaking I am not one for playing games with people; however, I learned that my husband does not like if I do the silent treatment/ignoring the problem back at him. That is what he used to do to deal with problems that arose and once I started giving him back what he gave me, he realized it wasn't pleasant and he opened up more. If I acted like I didn't care he would approach me to talk it over. It's strange, I know. Not saying this would work for you but maybe if you backed off a bit after an argument or issue instead of trying to fix it right away, he may be more willing to open up? I have found that most men need some space after a problem before they are willing to discuss it and fix it.

Totally agree.. In our case it takes him about 6 hours before he could speak to me..I used to bug him trying to correctc it but now i just let it go and come back after sometime to make it up

[Staashi 371]

Hi - I haven't been here for a while and only popped by to see if we can get tips for my husband's AOS interview in Boston but then I saw your thread. If you can, try to imagine the roles reversed. You are in the country in Morocco where very few people speak English. It's Christmas season and no one around you celebrates it. There are no Christmas trees, no Ruldolph the Red-nosed Reindeer playing on the radio and the food is all foreign to you. What you wouldn't give for a little eggnog and a nice turkey dinner with mashed taters, stuffing, cranberry sauce, applie pie, etc.

Now imagine that you're a man who grew up dreaming of supporting his own family but there's one problem - in this country you are in, your degree means nothing and there are no jobs available other than washing dishes. Your wife is actually supporting you financially - total opposite of what would make your peers in your home country look up to you.

TV is all foreign to you and you just don't get the jokes because they're based on things you know nothing about.

Would you be depressed? What would you need to help you to feel better? Your family is thousands of miles away so there's no familiar shoulder to cry on and your pride prevents you from opening up to your wife. What would you need to help you?

I just think that instead of viewing him as not taking advantage of all the USA has to offer, maybe it would be more helpful to step into his shoes and try to see the world through his eyes right now. See if he'll go to counseling with you - present it in such a way that he'll listen to the idea, like maybe it's part of the whole immigration process and it's normal for immigrants to get counseling to help them through the transition phase. Decorate your home with little paper lanterns from the party store and make some Moroccan dishes. If I were in Morocco with no family, the smell of a homemade turkey dinner would certainly make me crack a smile and feel loved. Try to see if you can set up Skype so that he can talk to his family. Talking to my husband's sisters definitely improved his spirits in the beginning.

Most importantly try to find him a job. You might think he can do this on his own but seriously things are different here and he will need help. Once he starts working he'll get some self esteem, make a few friends and who knows, maybe turn his depression inside out.

I wish you luck. The first year of any marriage is hard but throw a totally different culture into the mix and you have yourself on a rollercoaster. Fasten your seatbelt and hook up with some other wives who have been through it.

Bridget - this is beautiful - I love it and it applies to anyone from any foreign culture and going to a new place. But, I will say this, it doesn't excuse one from being an a-hole and not apologizing when he/she offends their significant other. That is just not cool in any location - both foreign and domestic!

[doodlebugg 10]

Bridget - this is beautiful - I love it and it applies to anyone from any foreign culture and going to a new place. But, I will say this, it doesn't excuse one from being an a-hole and not apologizing when he/she offends their significant other. That is just not cool in any location - both foreign and domestic!

I agree that it's no excuse for being an a-hole and not apologizing but I don't see anything in this thread that he's done that needs apologizing for and I don't see how he's being an a-hole. What I see is a lonely man who is lost during the most holy time of the year for him. If she's mentioned things in other threads that he's done specifically then that's another story but I just am commenting on what I see here in this thread. I mean should he apologize for being depressed and withdrawn? If so then I have to apologize a few times a week I guess.

[Mithra 1,185]

I think the OP was referring to him not apologizing for being wrong and treating her harshly, in general. Not necessarily for having adjustment issues. That's how I read it.

Edited September 7, 2010 by je veux ton amour

[Staashi 371]

I agree that it's no excuse for being an a-hole and not apologizing but I don't see anything in this thread that he's done that needs apologizing for and I don't see how he's being an a-hole. What I see is a lonely man who is lost during the most holy time of the year for him. If she's mentioned things in other threads that he's done specifically then that's another story but I just am commenting on what I see here in this thread. I mean should he apologize for being depressed and withdrawn? If so then I have to apologize a few times a week I guess.

She stated in the beginning that they get into some very "tight" arguments and that although she apologizes for anything said he does not.

[doodlebugg 10]

I think the OP was referring to him not apologizing for being wrong and treating her harshly, in general. Not necessarily for having adjustment issues. That's how I read it.

But she didn't say what he's wrong about. From what I gathered he is wrong in not enjoying all that the US has to offer but in reality, for a new immigrant from the Middle East, the US doesn't have much to offer in the first year.

She stated in the beginning that they get into some very "tight" arguments and that although she apologizes for anything said he does not.

OK, I was just looking for specifics. I mean she also said she's quite sensitive so a tight argument to her might be a passing conversation to me. *shrug*

[Mithra 1,185]

I read it as two seperate issues - one that they get into arguments and sometimes he's wrong but he doesn't apologize for being wrong AND that he's having adjustment issues. They may be having arguments due to the adjustment but they may be having other arguments not related to adjustment that he also doesn't apologize for. I've been through the adjustment phase (lasted over a year) and it sucked so bad for both my husband and I but I never felt it was a good excuse for either of us to behave badly. And we did behave badly at times. Adjustment does not give this guy the right to be mean to his wife. Now we don't know what the OP's idea of harsh is, like you said. But he should be in tune with what his wife's idea of harsh is and act accordingly and vice versa. It's very easy to run out of patience with someone who refuses to do anything but sit around and mope and act like a jackass especially when you've bent over backwards to get him here.

[Always+Forever 7]

Agreed doodle. Sometimes it is hard to picture yourself in their shoes. I was fortunate enough to be able to stay in Morocco with my daughter for nearly 4 months this year, but it was by no means easy. And no matter how much u think u know about a place & its culture...its always different when u get there. I think many ppl have this "tv" view of the US, and are shocked to find out that its not really like that. And the fact that I'm sure most of our SOs were still living in the same place as they have lived their whole lives, and then no where near anything like it...that would be rough for anyone. Even for me being in another place was hard, and I have lots of experience living in different places. But it takes lots of time & patience. Like others said...figure out what he likes & try to find ways for him to do it. Do he have any friends in the US he can call, etc? Like someone else mentioned...the "cafe" meetings are very habitual for them. That was one of the things my fiance asked me....Are there cafes i can go & hang out at? And we live in the country, so the closest is a few miles away....this seemed very weird to him. Also...many are used to walking everywhere...this may also be something difficult for them to grow accustomed to....along with the stores being different....they can't just buy anything off the shelf...the meat is (mostly) not halal & who knows what has pork in it anymore. And also their independence is greatly changed too...if they can't drive or walk anywhere they lose something major they r used to...walking out the door whenever they want & going where they want. That was a HUGE problem for me in Morocco...i couldn't just go when i wanted to. Another thing that might help is getting him a cell phone...I've also seen that some of the new ones have GPS built in to them, so u can type in your destination & mode of transportation & go. This could GREATLY increase their independence & confidence...so they can depend on themselves...which is big for anyone Sorry...i just keep babbling...lol I hope things start getting better soon. Oh..and I liked the idea someone posted about the "ignoring when mad" that must be a Moroccan thing in some places, cuz mine does it too...lol I will have to give that a try in return...problem is I can't stay mad at him longer than an hour...lol Hope everybody is having a good week, and last few days of Ramadan.

Monica

[Miss smarty pants 84]

Agreed doodle. Sometimes it is hard to picture yourself in their shoes. I was fortunate enough to be able to stay in Morocco with my daughter for nearly 4 months this year, but it was by no means easy. And no matter how much u think u know about a place & its culture...its always different when u get there. I think many ppl have this "tv" view of the US, and are shocked to find out that its not really like that. And the fact that I'm sure most of our SOs were still living in the same place as they have lived their whole lives, and then no where near anything like it...that would be rough for anyone. Even for me being in another place was hard, and I have lots of experience living in different places. But it takes lots of time & patience. Like others said...figure out what he likes & try to find ways for him to do it. Do he have any friends in the US he can call, etc? Like someone else mentioned...the "cafe" meetings are very habitual for them. That was one of the things my fiance asked me....Are there cafes i can go & hang out at? And we live in the country, so the closest is a few miles away....this seemed very weird to him. Also...many are used to walking everywhere...this may also be something difficult for them to grow accustomed to....along with the stores being different....they can't just buy anything off the shelf...the meat is (mostly) not halal & who knows what has pork in it anymore. And also their independence is greatly changed too...if they can't drive or walk anywhere they lose something major they r used to...walking out the door whenever they want & going where they want. That was a HUGE problem for me in Morocco...i couldn't just go when i wanted to. Another thing that might help is getting him a cell phone...I've also seen that some of the new ones have GPS built in to them, so u can type in your destination & mode of transportation & go. This could GREATLY increase their independence & confidence...so they can depend on themselves...which is big for anyone Sorry...i just keep babbling...lol I hope things start getting better soon. Oh..and I liked the idea someone posted about the "ignoring when mad" that must be a Moroccan thing in some places, cuz mine does it too...lol I will have to give that a try in return...problem is I can't stay mad at him longer than an hour...lol Hope everybody is having a good week, and last few days of Ramadan.

Monica

Did they get your case back yet?

[Always+Forever 7]

Did they get your case back yet?

No word from CSC yet...hopefully we will hear this week.

Monica