He never says sorry...

[Teffah 5]

Hello MENA ladies,

My husband and I get into tight discussions a lot. We have been married since May 9th, of this year and we are still learning more and more about each other everyday - as I would assume any typical marriage would. My husband, though, never wants to open up to me nor will he ever admit when he is wrong and then apologize. This drives me crazy. I am a very sensitive person and I understand completely when I have done something that is not ok and I have no problems with apologizing for my words/actions, etc. When I talk to him about specific things he will just say, "We don't so that there." Do your husbands still hold on to their lifestyle? Do they ever relax and enjoy life as it comes in the USA? My husband always tells me that Morocco is heaven and that he is now living in hell. We just recently received his EAD and working hard on finding him a job. He has had nothing to do since being here. When I ask if he would like to go somewhere, he never wants to leave. He just wants to sit on the computer or in front of the TV... I truly feel like I am trying hard to help him adjust, but I am afraid nothing will ever be as good as Morocco.

Any advice or ideas would be appreciated.

[Mithra 1,185]

Has your husband always been this way or just since coming to the US? Do you think he may be depressed because he's not working and maybe doesn't have any friends nearby besides you? As far as not apologizing that seems to be a personality trait not necessarily a MENA trait. I have to say that our first year of living together was mostly not great. I don't really have any advice other than try to hang in there and be patient. See if working and getting out of the house helps his attitude. It helped my husband but we still had a lot of work ahead of us before things really got better. I hope things do get better for you soon.

[mahboula 11]

Has your husband always been this way or just since coming to the US? Do you think he may be depressed because he's not working and maybe doesn't have any friends nearby besides you? As far as not apologizing that seems to be a personality trait not necessarily a MENA trait. I have to say that our first year of living together was mostly not great. I don't really have any advice other than try to hang in there and be patient. See if working and getting out of the house helps his attitude. It helped my husband but we still had a lot of work ahead of us before things really got better. I hope things do get better for you soon.

Same for us. The first year was far from easy. I did see a major change in my husband when he started working. When he made a few friends, I noticed a positive change in him too.

[sara535 15]

welcome to the adjustment phase.

It does get better with time

[Golden Gate 530]

Any advice or ideas would be appreciated.

Hi Teresa,

My SO isn't here yet, but we lived together for a month and 1/2 this summer, just the two of us. What I can say from that experience is that their world there and our world here are so completely different. How we think about time, family, everything...it is all so different. We could be having a conversation about something and I think he understands what I am saying, but in reality he is coming from such a totally different perspective.

Bijad is probably going through culture shock. I remember when I was in France for some time. I loved it there, but at the same time, I felt like it was going to make me change who I was as a person, and I wasn't ready to do that. I was very open to "Do as the Romans Do" in Morocco, and as a result, I got pretty used to doing things their way, like staying inside most of the time. However, I can imagine for a man, who is used to do what he wants, his way, and having things a certain way, coming here is such a dramatic change. He has to adjust to life here, plus adjust to your way of doing things. He is making some big compromises in his life. Nothing is as he knows it and he doesn't want to lose his connection to who he knows himself to be.

All I can say is don't be hard on him for not admitting he is wrong or saying sorry. From his perspective, he might not be wrong at all. He is just looking at things in a totally different way than you are. I know a little how you are feeling about what seems like his intransigence. However, he may be looking at you the same way. That is what I found with us this summer. Ha ha. We both thought the other was being stubborn. You are still finding out about each other. Just try to love and support him as much as you can. Give him lots of love, and forgive him.

Lisa

[Teffah 5]

Has your husband always been this way or just since coming to the US? Do you think he may be depressed because he's not working and maybe doesn't have any friends nearby besides you? As far as not apologizing that seems to be a personality trait not necessarily a MENA trait. I have to say that our first year of living together was mostly not great. I don't really have any advice other than try to hang in there and be patient. See if working and getting out of the house helps his attitude. It helped my husband but we still had a lot of work ahead of us before things really got better. I hope things do get better for you soon.

Thanks for the response. I do not ever recall my husband being like this in Morocco. I really think it is an adjustment phase and I am trying to be as patient as I can be. I hope once he finds a job he will start to really experience life here in America. I can't get him out to meet anyone. He was very close to his parents and I know he misses them a lot! I am very understanding to his feelings but I can't ALWAYS put my feelings aside for him. I truly believe a relationship is two ways, not one way. I need him to step up to the plate a little bit and meet me half way. I do feel with time things will get better - I just want it NOW! I am so happy that he is here with me and that we are together, but I feel exhausted to know this is just the beginning of our travels.

Same for us. The first year was far from easy. I did see a major change in my husband when he started working. When he made a few friends, I noticed a positive change in him too.

Thank you for some confidence that our life will get better!!

welcome to the adjustment phase.

It does get better with time

Woohoo, thank goodness!

[Teffah 5]

Hi Teresa,

My SO isn't here yet, but we lived together for a month and 1/2 this summer, just the two of us. What I can say from that experience is that their world there and our world here are so completely different. How we think about time, family, everything...it is all so different. We could be having a conversation about something and I think he understands what I am saying, but in reality he is coming from such a totally different perspective.

Bijad is probably going through culture shock. I remember when I was in France for some time. I loved it there, but at the same time, I felt like it was going to make me change who I was as a person, and I wasn't ready to do that. I was very open to "Do as the Romans Do" in Morocco, and as a result, I got pretty used to doing things their way, like staying inside most of the time. However, I can imagine for a man, who is used to do what he wants, his way, and having things a certain way, coming here is such a dramatic change. He has to adjust to life here, plus adjust to your way of doing things. He is making some big compromises in his life. Nothing is as he knows it and he doesn't want to lose his connection to who he knows himself to be.

All I can say is don't be hard on him for not admitting he is wrong or saying sorry. From his perspective, he might not be wrong at all. He is just looking at things in a totally different way than you are. I know a little how you are feeling about what seems like his intransigence. However, he may be looking at you the same way. That is what I found with us this summer. Ha ha. We both thought the other was being stubborn. You are still finding out about each other. Just try to love and support him as much as you can. Give him lots of love, and forgive him.

Lisa

I always do forgive him, I love him terribly. I just wish he could be a little more sympathetic to his harsh attitude. He admits he is depressed here, and I know it must be harder than I could ever imagine. I try to get him out of the house and he won't go! Like this weekend there is a festival in town. It comes once a year and it is really well known. I said we could go a little before it was time for him to eat and then eat there - they always have yummy food, all kinds. And he won't go... he played soccer for awhile and then just decided he didn't want to play anymore. He was so alive when he played, I can't understand him. I know he wants to be here with me, but I also know he would prefer to be back in Morocco with me there also. It's a tough road but I know we will make it...

[msheesha 548]

And also remember that in addition to the normal adjustment phase that he's also experiencing a huge holiday away from home. Ramadan is much different here ithan in Morocco. That could definitely be adding to any feelings of homesickness. If his not wanting to go out and do anything started during Ramadan I would guess it's connected to Ramadan. Has he found a mosque where he can participate in an Iftar one or a couple of nights a week and where he can go for Taraweh prayers during Ramadan?

All that being said there is also no excuse for being harsh to you. I hope this passes for you quickly!

[MrsAmera 41]

Like others have said it does sound like he is depressed and going through the adjustment phase. Does it get better? Yes most of the time but you'll need a load of patience. I think that on a whole expressing emotions and dealing with them is just not really done. For the longest time my husband felt that if we didn't talk about things it would just go away - which isn't true. We spent many days not talking to each other. Thank God he's finally gotten over that and realized that talking about our problems really helps. Might I suggest writing him a letter to talk about what you're feeling. That way he can understand and take time to digest it. My husband said that he always felt like I was attacking him which I wasn't but it was too much for him to handle when I would start talking. I never backed down and always expressed what I was feeling even if it was met by a brick wall - happy to say 5 years later things are much much better.

[mahboula 11]

Thank you for some confidence that our life will get better!!

When I was in Algeria, and we went out at night, I would see all the men sitting around at the cafes smoking, drinking coffee, and chatting. My husband and his friends would often do this after work...Sit there for hours and do too much of nothing, if you ask me. Not too long ago, my husband walked into a local Starbucks to grab an espresso. He was talking on his cell phone to a friend from Algeria. A man sitting nearby overheard him speaking Arabic, and asked him where he was from, and then asked him to sit down. As it turns out, this stranger was from Morocco. They had a nice chat, and he invited my husband to meet him back there the next day. My husband went back, and was introduced to yet another Moroccan. Now there's a group of them, three Moroccans and two Algerians, that meet for coffee on a regular basis.

These are the friends I was talking about when I mentioned the positive change I saw in my husband. He played soccer, he worked, I took him to fun and exciting places, but the coffee shop made the major difference. He gets to spend time with other guys, speak his language, and relax. It's just a small taste of home.

I don't know what your husband liked to do in Morocco. But, maybe there's something he can do every now and then that feels like home.

Edited September 5, 2010 by mahboula

[R and F 34]

Thank you for some confidence that our life will get better!!

When I was in Algeria, and we went out at night, I would see all the men sitting around at the cafes smoking, drinking coffee, and chatting. My husband and his friends would often do this after work...Sit there for hours and do too much of nothing, if you ask me. Not too long ago, my husband walked into a local Starbucks to grab an espresso. He was talking on his cell phone to a friend from Algeria. A man sitting nearby overheard him speaking Arabic, and asked him where he was from, and then asked him to sit down. As it turns out, this stranger was from Morocco. They had a nice chat, and he invited my husband to meet him back there the next day. My husband went back, and was introduced to yet another Moroccan. Now there's a group of them, three Moroccans and two Algerians, that meet for coffee on a regular basis.

These are the friends I was talking about when I mentioned the positive change I saw in my husband. He played soccer, he worked, I took him to fun and exciting places, but the coffee shop made the major difference. He gets to spend time with other guys, speak his language, and relax. It's just a small taste of home.

I don't know what your husband liked to do in Morocco. But, maybe there's something he can do every now and then that feels like home.

Hey you did not mention my husband at all being friends with yours. PFFFTTTT Why you ignore your brother?

[mahboula 11]

Hey you did not mention my husband at all being friends with yours. PFFFTTTT Why you ignore your brother?

So sorry. Rosie's husband is the best and the king of all friends . It's too bad we don't live closer to each other.

[Teffah 5]

And also remember that in addition to the normal adjustment phase that he's also experiencing a huge holiday away from home. Ramadan is much different here ithan in Morocco. That could definitely be adding to any feelings of homesickness. If his not wanting to go out and do anything started during Ramadan I would guess it's connected to Ramadan. Has he found a mosque where he can participate in an Iftar one or a couple of nights a week and where he can go for Taraweh prayers during Ramadan?

All that being said there is also no excuse for being harsh to you. I hope this passes for you quickly!

He has never wanted to get out and explore our city. I live in Kansas City and there is a lot to offer! I have given him the website to our local Islamic Society and he refuses to go to the mosque or participate in their activities. My husband is from a very small village and they rarely go to the Mosque, so that is not something that he is used to anyways.

I know Ramadan here doesn't even come close in comparison to Ramadan in Morocco and it probably doesn't help that I am Christian. I do not fast with him, but I do not eat in from of him either. I respect my husband for who he is an individual and I support him in his decisions, including religion.

[Teffah 5]

Like others have said it does sound like he is depressed and going through the adjustment phase. Does it get better? Yes most of the time but you'll need a load of patience. I think that on a whole expressing emotions and dealing with them is just not really done. For the longest time my husband felt that if we didn't talk about things it would just go away - which isn't true. We spent many days not talking to each other. Thank God he's finally gotten over that and realized that talking about our problems really helps. Might I suggest writing him a letter to talk about what you're feeling. That way he can understand and take time to digest it. My husband said that he always felt like I was attacking him which I wasn't but it was too much for him to handle when I would start talking. I never backed down and always expressed what I was feeling even if it was met by a brick wall - happy to say 5 years later things are much much better.

I am just the opposite of my husband. I am one to communicate everything that is going on with myself including my feelings. He on the other hand doesn't want to talk about anything. I have tried to stress the importance of communication, but its like he just doesn't get it or doesn't care. I have written him emails expressing my feelings and thoughts and I never get a response or even an indication that he actually read it. I sure hope with time he comes to realize it is just easier to talk about the problem and move on instead of ignoring each other. I am always the one to start talking to him again and its like he gets by with his harsh attitude. I am a problem solver and I can't stand it when there is tension - I have to fix it.

I am not saying I am an angel, but I do admit when I am wrong and I am always willing to ask for forgiveness.

[Carrie1978 2]

It was the same way for us the first year...life is different, work is hard to find, and people are not so friendly. We live in KC too, and my husband has found that even with his BA and plenty work experience; that people see he is from the middle east and suddenly he is nothing. The racism my husband has incurred played a big factor in not being happy here, also no family at all, and no friends. He spent a lot of time on the interent chatting with friends from home and watching tv. There are places around here you can find great phone cards to call Morocco which I found after spending way too much! ANd like your husband, he didn't like to go out much (we don;t do movies, restaurants, etc)- HOWEVER I took him to the city market downtown and he LOVED it, it was like home...a little. We went walking downtown to union station and explored some few places and he started to feel a little more relaxed. It's been two years now and things are getting better. He finds jobs easier, even though they are not the type he had in Morocco. If I can offer any suggestions about work places or anything else around KC if you need help let me know. The temp agencies are a great place to start around here, if he doesn't mind warehouse type work. It will get better I'm sure, KC is not the easiest place to feel at home (my husband constantly states he wants to move to NYC or Boston!). Also, there are plenty of halal stores around here for him to find meat and other things that may help him atleast feel that he is still following his religion. On September 10 is Eid, and there is the main prayer in KC for all the muslims to go to; you can find it on ISGKC.org; we went to that last year and my husband really felt good about that and is looking forward to this years prayer too. Good luck and just go with the flow, I know it's easier said than done. You can PM me if you need anything