He never says sorry...

[KittyPollitt 284]

I've felt this way too, at times.. Ramadan has been tough in this house, and my going right back to work with him at home with the baby has taken its toll on him a few nights.. I try to do things to break up the monotony.. took him to a Moroccan cafe, bring home middle eastern food, play Moroccan music around the house.. our greatest strength, I think, is that we don't take anything too seriously. I'm coming back from 6 months in Morocco as well, so it's been rough on us both ("$1.59 for 20oz of soda?? REALLY?!") I guess try to talk to him about seeing things from your perspective too- you're trying really hard, and it's going unnoticed, and that's unfair. It will get better after Ramadan.. It's soon!

Sarah

[caybee 21]

I always look forward to Ramadan because, overall, it's a good experience for us as a couple. But I always forget how difficult the last week is. We are both worn out and cranky. I'm still cooking a large meal daily but having trouble keeping up with the housework. And if I see another bowl of harira... I agree that things will get somewhat easier once Ramadan is over.

My husband is another of those who goes silent when he's upset about something. It's like a dark cloud settles over him almost tangibly and the oxygen gets sucked out of the room. That drives me up a wall because I'm one who likes to talk things out immediately, get it all fixed, and get a hug as reassurance. It's difficult for me to just bite my tongue and give him space for a few hours. Sometimes even then, he won't talk it out, but he resolves his feelings on his own, and then he drops the whole thing.

Once, when we weren't in the middle of something, I asked if he would rather I leave the room for a while when he does that. He answered no, that he would rather I stayed with him but that I just not try to talk to him or hug him until he was over it. And that's never lasted more than a few hours. He also told me that one reason he gets quiet is so he won't say something hurtful that he can't take back and so he won't raise his voice at me. To his credit, hurtful words from him are pretty rare, and I don't recall him ever yelling at me.

As for the adjustment issues, Doodle said it all.

[Mithra 1,185]

My husband gave the same reasoning for being silent after an argument - not wanting to say something hurtful. He's also one to go out for a drive after an argument just to get out of the situation all together. He's gone for 20 mins and when he comes back he's usually much calmer. I used to get upset about it but after I saw how quickly it helped him get over it, I just let him go. I must admit that I have done the same and it works, lol. Just getting out of the house and the tension helps big time. For the husbands who can't drive yet, maybe encouragement for them to go out for a walk alone may be helpful?

[itsallgood 1]

My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. We are still adjusting.

I can relate to the not saying sorry. After about 2 years of asking him why he can't say he is sorry, he admitted that maybe it's his culture because they don't say sorry there. He said he will have to get used to saying it. It is frustrating. I don't know if his family just doesn't say sorry or if it really is a Moroccan thing.

My husband also does the silent treatment. It drives me crazy. I always have to be the one to come to him to get him to talk. I tried the silent treatment with him too but that was useless. It was nearly a week of silence and I finally gave in. So for me, it doesn't work to do it back to him.

He doesn't want to make friends or go to the mosque. He didn't go to the mosque in Morocco so I get that he wouldn't do it here. I just don't understand why he doesn't want to make friends. I've encouraged him and have even met other Moroccans and they want to meet him but he just refuses. It really bothers me. He was always going out with his friends in Morocco and was well known in his town. We always went for coffee and he always ran into people he knew and was well liked. I can't imagine how lonely it must feel for him here after almost 4 years of the complete opposite; knowing no one. A friend of mine has students that are from Ghana and other places and they all play soccer together and there are many leagues for soccer he could get involved in but he refuses. We've gone to watch soccer and it was amazing to see his whole personality change before my eyes. He was happy and telling me what player should be doing what and just relaxed and enjoying the whole thing. I know he would be happy to play because he used to play all the time in Morocco. He just won't do it.

I know he is depressed. He didn't want anything to do with talking about it. He said he wasn't depressed. I did make a Dr. appt. for him to get a physical and low and behold the Dr. told him he was depressed. I wasn't even there so I didn't mention it to the Dr. He listened to her and did start taking medication but because of the side effects (how should I put it...he wasn't able to be 'intimate') he stopped taking them and refused to try others that may not have that side effect. It did help with his mood when he was taking them.

It was hard for the first 6 months he was here because he had to wait to work. No one would hire him. His first job was at McDonalds. Then I told him to apply at a company for data entry. They recognized his computer knowledge and he started to work in web development. He excelled with that company and he started making more money than me after a few short months. I have a 4 year degree and he has a 2 year degree from Morocco! He now works for another company and does very well. But he is still depressed!

I know he would feel better if he had friends and played soccer but he just won't do it. It's hard to watch him be miserable. He says he knows in Morocco he was always going out with his friends but he says he is just happy to be at home with us. That's nice to hear but I don't buy it. His personality is different here than it was in Morocco. I spent 3 months with him there and it's just not the same.

[Mithra 1,185]

I'm very sorry that you're still having troubles after so long. I understand about the sexual side effects of some antidepressants. Wellbutrin does not have such side effects so maybe you could give him information regarding this and perhaps he could try it? Is he eating and sleeping ok?

Edited September 9, 2010 by je veux ton amour

[itsallgood 1]

I'm very sorry that you're still having troubles after so long. I understand about the sexual side effects of some antidepressants. Wellbutrin does not have such side effects so maybe you could give him information regarding this and perhaps he could try it? Is he eating and sleeping ok?

He has lost 20 lbs and he was already too skinny. He now looks almost anorexic. With Ramadan, he's lost even more weight. On a good night he gets about 4-5 hours of sleep. When he was taking the antidepressant he was gaining weight and sleeping better. I just told him a few days ago that I was seriously worried about him and how much weight he has lost. A day or so later he said he does need to do something and said he may go back to the Dr. to try some medicine again. He has said it before but didn't do it. I'm hoping this time he does. He smokes too which doesn't help at all. With his new job, he's now up to a pack a day which is way more than he used to smoke. I've encouraged him to quit smoking too by telling him I want him around for a long time. He always says he's going to quit; especially during Ramadan, but it never happens.

Oh, and he is giving me the silent treatment since last night (speaking of).

[MrsAmera 41]

My husband had serious depression issues in the beginning that rolled into anxiety attacks in the last year. We went to the doctor and she told him it was anxiety attacks and gave him some medication to help with them. He started to take it for about 2 months but realized if he stopped taking it he had side effects(obviously) he then determined that he didn't want to take anything that was "altering" him (although I tried to explain it wasn't altering him it was balancing out his deficits...he didn't buy it.) So he detoxed off them completely...he was such a different happier person on them and I wish he would give it a shot again.

I think that your spouse having such dramatic weight loss is a big problem. I would really encourage him to see the doctor again, and perhaps a psychologist.

[Mithra 1,185]

Oh wow. The wellbutrin would help with the smoking, too, so I would definitely look into that. Keep trying to get him back to the doctor. I know you must be very frustrated.

He has lost 20 lbs and he was already too skinny. He now looks almost anorexic. With Ramadan, he's lost even more weight. On a good night he gets about 4-5 hours of sleep. When he was taking the antidepressant he was gaining weight and sleeping better. I just told him a few days ago that I was seriously worried about him and how much weight he has lost. A day or so later he said he does need to do something and said he may go back to the Dr. to try some medicine again. He has said it before but didn't do it. I'm hoping this time he does. He smokes too which doesn't help at all. With his new job, he's now up to a pack a day which is way more than he used to smoke. I've encouraged him to quit smoking too by telling him I want him around for a long time. He always says he's going to quit; especially during Ramadan, but it never happens.

Oh, and he is giving me the silent treatment since last night (speaking of).

[rachbel 2]

it`s the shock of culture , stress and frustration when looking for a job.try to support him , it`s difficult in the beginning and i hope you`ll be able to work it out.best of luck.

[amal 4]

I'd love to say it's culture shock.......Some of it may be...but I'm afraid a large portion of it is more-than-likely not. I won't get into specifics here about it because I don't want to cause doubts or any bad vibes.

He is going through a tough transition. Being here vs there is a MAJOR setback for these guys. In the issues of culture shock, Bridget is very much right. There are other issues that will need to be addressed though, that are not only culture shock. Shock has something to do with heightening the "tight" discussions....but not everything. It also has to do with him clamming up and being harsh...but not entirely. This stage, with men in this phase, takes a LOT of patience on both parties' sides. You have to let him clam up and "be a man" and allow him to live through his "hell". the best thing is to JUST listen when he is complaining. Let him know that you support him in his feelings and that you are doing everything in your power to make his transition to this country an easy one. This can last a long long long time, so get ur boots on, grab ur umbrella, and get ready for a downpour for a while. A lot of this SHOULD slowly subside as he gets more accustomed to his new environment. Just keep a close watch on the way he talks to you and the way he handles misunderstandings. This area is really hairy. Most of all, know that this group of ppl here will have a better understanding than your usual "go to" people. Our situations are so different from the "norm" and one can only understand and possibly empathize if they've been through an intercultural marriage with a man from that side of the world.

I wish you both luck in the transition. Take care

amal

[katgrl 14]

Wow I can relate to part of your posting! My husband is not a great communicator and never apologizes or sees that he's wrong in anything. However, he can't use the "adjusting phase" as an excuse. He's been here for 11 years. We've only been married since July 31 and been together for a year and a half. He's Muslim and I'm Christian but he doesn't really "participate" in his religion except Ramadan. I tried to make him some meals and make Ramadan and Eid special for him. By the way, we also live in KC. Anyway, he uses the Mediterranean excuse for his behavior. Best of luck!

[a loves a 0]

Has your husband always been this way or just since coming to the US? Do you think he may be depressed because he's not working and maybe doesn't have any friends nearby besides you? As far as not apologizing that seems to be a personality trait not necessarily a MENA trait. I have to say that our first year of living together was mostly not great. I don't really have any advice other than try to hang in there and be patient. See if working and getting out of the house helps his attitude. It helped my husband but we still had a lot of work ahead of us before things really got better. I hope things do get better for you soon.

i agree with you 100%

[Karonya and Adel 8]

I read it as two seperate issues - one that they get into arguments and sometimes he's wrong but he doesn't apologize for being wrong AND that he's having adjustment issues. They may be having arguments due to the adjustment but they may be having other arguments not related to adjustment that he also doesn't apologize for. I've been through the adjustment phase (lasted over a year) and it sucked so bad for both my husband and I but I never felt it was a good excuse for either of us to behave badly. And we did behave badly at times. Adjustment does not give this guy the right to be mean to his wife. Now we don't know what the OP's idea of harsh is, like you said. But he should be in tune with what his wife's idea of harsh is and act accordingly and vice versa. It's very easy to run out of patience with someone who refuses to do anything but sit around and mope and act like a jackass especially when you've bent over backwards to get him here.

ditto!

[Carrie808 0]

My husband has no problem apologizing, never has. He does hold onto some of his ways, but they are a part of him. The first year was harder than any of the others. He is wayyyyy more laid back now than he used to be but will never be as an American man. I think we will always have those differences. Those differences are what make us who we are though. Hope it all works out!!

[Carrie808 0]

My husband is antisocial as well...lollll He is very quiet. Everybody wants to be his friend but he is a loner.

My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. We are still adjusting.

I can relate to the not saying sorry. After about 2 years of asking him why he can't say he is sorry, he admitted that maybe it's his culture because they don't say sorry there. He said he will have to get used to saying it. It is frustrating. I don't know if his family just doesn't say sorry or if it really is a Moroccan thing.

My husband also does the silent treatment. It drives me crazy. I always have to be the one to come to him to get him to talk. I tried the silent treatment with him too but that was useless. It was nearly a week of silence and I finally gave in. So for me, it doesn't work to do it back to him.

He doesn't want to make friends or go to the mosque. He didn't go to the mosque in Morocco so I get that he wouldn't do it here. I just don't understand why he doesn't want to make friends. I've encouraged him and have even met other Moroccans and they want to meet him but he just refuses. It really bothers me. He was always going out with his friends in Morocco and was well known in his town. We always went for coffee and he always ran into people he knew and was well liked. I can't imagine how lonely it must feel for him here after almost 4 years of the complete opposite; knowing no one. A friend of mine has students that are from Ghana and other places and they all play soccer together and there are many leagues for soccer he could get involved in but he refuses. We've gone to watch soccer and it was amazing to see his whole personality change before my eyes. He was happy and telling me what player should be doing what and just relaxed and enjoying the whole thing. I know he would be happy to play because he used to play all the time in Morocco. He just won't do it.

I know he is depressed. He didn't want anything to do with talking about it. He said he wasn't depressed. I did make a Dr. appt. for him to get a physical and low and behold the Dr. told him he was depressed. I wasn't even there so I didn't mention it to the Dr. He listened to her and did start taking medication but because of the side effects (how should I put it...he wasn't able to be 'intimate') he stopped taking them and refused to try others that may not have that side effect. It did help with his mood when he was taking them.

It was hard for the first 6 months he was here because he had to wait to work. No one would hire him. His first job was at McDonalds. Then I told him to apply at a company for data entry. They recognized his computer knowledge and he started to work in web development. He excelled with that company and he started making more money than me after a few short months. I have a 4 year degree and he has a 2 year degree from Morocco! He now works for another company and does very well. But he is still depressed!

I know he would feel better if he had friends and played soccer but he just won't do it. It's hard to watch him be miserable. He says he knows in Morocco he was always going out with his friends but he says he is just happy to be at home with us. That's nice to hear but I don't buy it. His personality is different here than it was in Morocco. I spent 3 months with him there and it's just not the same.