I now have power of attorney over my mom.

[HannahP 119]

My mom is frail and ill -- not "will die within a few weeks" ill, nor is she currently not-qualified to make her own decisions. But she does occasionally slip into that place (her potassium tends to get very, very low very, very fast on top of chronic, fairly severe COPD which makes her seem "demented" due to hypoxia flare-ups, etc.) I doubt she has three years to live -- probably less.

My mom and I have chatted quite a bit about her health and her wishes. I once pointed out to her that if the PoA doesn't want it, her DNI/DNR wishes could be ignored. (Happened to a patient of mine.) I'm pretty sure that this is when she decided to make me poa, especially after seeing her father not die in a dignified manner...

But I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm 24 years old and in nursing school, which I guess makes me "qualified" medically to make decisions for my mom. (Not really.) She is the oldest and sickest of several siblings who will certainly out live her, and I'm actually one of the youngest of her children. (I have brothers and sisters in their 40s.)

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has been in this position? I'm adjusting to the fact that I might actually have to make a decision against my family's wishes, but something that my mom would have wanted...(simply based on my grandfather, whose life was unnecessarily prolonged due to general family wishes despite his own desires stated before he went into a coma.)

[Ban Hammer 12,835]

still would not hurt to survey the pertinent family members should it come to that, but you still have the final say.

[HannahP 119]

still would not hurt to survey the pertinent family members should it come to that, but you still have the final say.

Shouldn't her desires have the final say, 'tho? As a nurse, I'm trained to be a patient's advocate.

[Ban Hammer 12,835]

Shouldn't her desires have the final say, 'tho? As a nurse, I'm trained to be a patient's advocate.

it's your chance to play diplomat and lead them to that conclusion if they are not for it - making them feel like they had a say so in the end.

[SMOKE 1,426]

Shouldn't her desires have the final say, 'tho? As a nurse, I'm trained to be a patient's advocate.

yes. i doubt your age or career had any bearing on her decision. you being you & knowing her wishes would override all other factors is why you have poa.

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

My mom is frail and ill -- not "will die within a few weeks" ill, nor is she currently not-qualified to make her own decisions. But she does occasionally slip into that place (her potassium tends to get very, very low very, very fast on top of chronic, fairly severe COPD which makes her seem "demented" due to hypoxia flare-ups, etc.) I doubt she has three years to live -- probably less.

My mom and I have chatted quite a bit about her health and her wishes. I once pointed out to her that if the PoA doesn't want it, her DNI/DNR wishes could be ignored. (Happened to a patient of mine.) I'm pretty sure that this is when she decided to make me poa, especially after seeing her father not die in a dignified manner...

But I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm 24 years old and in nursing school, which I guess makes me "qualified" medically to make decisions for my mom. (Not really.) She is the oldest and sickest of several siblings who will certainly out live her, and I'm actually one of the youngest of her children. (I have brothers and sisters in their 40s.)

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has been in this position? I'm adjusting to the fact that I might actually have to make a decision against my family's wishes, but something that my mom would have wanted...(simply based on my grandfather, whose life was unnecessarily prolonged due to general family wishes despite his own desires stated before he went into a coma.)

Ive been there with my uncle. If anyone in your family thinks she wasnt in her right mind your gonna have to lawyer up.

[westcoastwoman 0]

Family Conference time. You need to ensure your siblings know of your mother's wishes.

You also need to let any alternate caregivers know of her DNR status. My Dad, in his last months of life, carried his DNR order in his wallet just in case anything happened when he was out and about (didn't want a paramedic doing his thing and saving his life when he had three months to live).

It's not an easy spot to be in but if you make HER wishes known, not many people will fight you on this. I've seen too many people, have long drawn out deaths because they didn't have a DNR and nobody in the family wanted to be the one who brought up the subject.

[HannahP 119]

Family Conference time. You need to ensure your siblings know of your mother's wishes.

You also need to let any alternate caregivers know of her DNR status. My Dad, in his last months of life, carried his DNR order in his wallet just in case anything happened when he was out and about (didn't want a paramedic doing his thing and saving his life when he had three months to live).

It's not an easy spot to be in but if you make HER wishes known, not many people will fight you on this. I've seen too many people, have long drawn out deaths because they didn't have a DNR and nobody in the family wanted to be the one who brought up the subject.

Officially, my mom does have have her DNI/DNR drawn up. I did make sure of this and there are easily portable papers with her at all times. Again, working in the ER, I've seen too many DNRs not complied with due to nobody knowing.

Honestly, I think that my mom should be doing this -- again, I am PoA but she is still totally coherent at this point in time. No Alzheimer's, thank god. But her health does tend to get very bad, very fast. This is what worries me. Frankly, I know her wishes. And I do think that most of the family knows her wishes. But again, this was the same with my grandfather and it was always a little bit of this, a little bit of that after he was tubed and could not talk for himself.

[spookyturtle 9,465]

If I were your mom, I'd be worried about having my daughter talking about poop on an immigration forum.

[Ban Hammer 12,835]

If I were your mom, I'd be worried about having my daughter talking about poop on an immigration forum.

[thongd4me 69]

My mom is frail and ill -- not "will die within a few weeks" ill, nor is she currently not-qualified to make her own decisions. But she does occasionally slip into that place (her potassium tends to get very, very low very, very fast on top of chronic, fairly severe COPD which makes her seem "demented" due to hypoxia flare-ups, etc.) I doubt she has three years to live -- probably less.

My mom and I have chatted quite a bit about her health and her wishes. I once pointed out to her that if the PoA doesn't want it, her DNI/DNR wishes could be ignored. (Happened to a patient of mine.) I'm pretty sure that this is when she decided to make me poa, especially after seeing her father not die in a dignified manner...

But I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm 24 years old and in nursing school, which I guess makes me "qualified" medically to make decisions for my mom. (Not really.) She is the oldest and sickest of several siblings who will certainly out live her, and I'm actually one of the youngest of her children. (I have brothers and sisters in their 40s.)

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has been in this position? I'm adjusting to the fact that I might actually have to make a decision against my family's wishes, but something that my mom would have wanted...(simply based on my grandfather, whose life was unnecessarily prolonged due to general family wishes despite his own desires stated before he went into a coma.)

Not exactly.

My mom is a very feisty 84 and still goes to church walking on 2 feet and even cuts the hedges on the property.

However she is increasingly fearful, paranoid and worried about anything/everything even while my wife

takes care of her better than a natural child. We live in the same house & care for her while my brother

has the power of attorney. He lives an hour away but does visit from time to time.

I love and trust my brother but I kind of wish that it was me as the brunt of the responsibility

for taking care of her will fall to me & my wife. I expect her to live to be 100.

I think you are as qualified to care for her as any of your siblings. There is no university degree in

caring for your family, you just do it.

[slim 1,514]

She should have a living will (assuming her DNI/DNR is separate from one) drawn up and copies should be read by all concerned family members. It's important for HER to tell them her wishes before she's hospitalized, not for you to show them the paper afterward.

It's tough to be in that position, but you're there for a reason. Most people aren't adept to handle death and it seems she's come to terms with it and sees you as being the one responsible eough to ensure her wishes are met. Standing with the family - sometimes against the family - is a tough job. Just keep in mind she's chosen you to do it. Carry out her wishes and don't worry so much about how the family feels about it.

[The_Dude 1,142]

Like others have said, you need to have a rock solid DNR that delineates exactly her wishes. You (or her) need to make her wishes crystal clear to all family members and regularly update the DNR to show that it is current. I'm just thinking in worst case scenarios, but I know someone who had to go to court to defend a DNR. All it takes is one relative to say "oh no, she said to me 3 months ago that she didn't want that anymore, but was too intimidated to update her living will to reflect that". It's a tough decision, and a difficult position to be put in. I'm sure your mother has complete confidence in your ability to make tough decisions and to respect her wishes.

[justashooter 430]

if you are 24 and in nursing school you should have a mentor. some retired physician instructor, preferrably an older woman. take your ethical concerns to them if you have uncertainty. as for your family, mail them each a copy of your mother's DNR order with a short letter explaining to them why your mother has chosen to originate it. be sure to arrange a medic alert bracelet for your mother indicating that a DNR order is in place.

speaking as a guy who at the age of 20 lost his mother to a long standing debilitating and fatal illness i can say that it is difficult, but it is better than prolonged suffering for all concerned parties, especially the decedent.

[Mary Lou 670]

Hannah,

You should be able to get Advanced directives from your hospital. Since your mom is of sound mind, she can put in writing all her wishes, pain relief, DNR, ect. Then make sure you have copies for your siblings and her doctors. When my parents got hospitalized at any time i had a copy of their Advanced Directives with me. Makes life much easier.