Gender roles and West Africans

[rafetnatorop 0]

Hi all,

I have been wondering about this for a long time. For those out there with West African husbands, how do you negotiate gender roles in your marriage/relationship? What does it mean for him to be a man and husband? For you a wife? For those of you whose situation is reversed, I would love to hear your experiences as well.

As someone anxiously awaiting starting an "American" life (I'm only calling it that because it will be in the US), I wanted to ask the community about your experiences.

Thanks so much!

[attaya_girl 1]

I know everyone's experience is different, but my husband is Senegalese, and he is absolutely amazing and flexible when it comes to gender roles. I half expected things to change when we got married (and, granted, we haven't been married long), but he hasn't changed. He helps clean the house without being asked, he cooks at least half the meals (more right now because his ESL classes are out of session for the month), and always cleans the kitchen--which is my least favorite chore. I am the bread-winner, and although he wants badly to contribute more, we both agree that getting through school is the most important thing right now. Honestly, gender roles hasn't been as big of a deal as I thought it would be. There are some surprising little things that come up now and then (especially now that I'm pregnant, but we've been able to discuss everything so far and work out a situation that works for both of us. He supports all of my ambitions and goals, and I support all of his. I know I sound like I'm bragging, but I feel pretty lucky

[GabiandVi 34]

I'm waiting for more responses to this question. We are currently dealing with this issue in our home. We have not yet reached a satisfactory solution.

[reeses16 8]

My hubby is East African, but I think the topic is fascinating! My experiences are similar to attaya_girl. We have been married over 3 years and since day 1 my hubby has always helped with household chores. I am responsible for washing the clothes, and cooking and washing dishes. He'll help out with these if I ask or do them before I get home just to be sweet. If I cook something special and have a lot dishes we normally wash and dry together. All other household chores he handles. We are both very neat people, but if I vaccuum the house he will ask me, "Did you vaccuum today?" Of course I say, "Yes." Then my hubby re-vaccuums the house again. So I've given that up. lol.

I think gender expectations are just as strong in the US. To be honest, I think the women in my family are a bit jealous because my hubby helps with the house work.

Those of you having issues sorting out roles in the family might try presenting the issue in a different way. Don't approach it as a gender issue. Instead, propose dividing up the chores in a way that saves time and provides a mutual benefit. For example, hubby and I clean our house every Thursday evening after work. We spend about 2-3 hours focused on nothing else. This way 2 people can accomplish what 1 could do in 1/2 the time. This also means that we both have free time on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.

Any other suggestions?

Edited August 6, 2010 by reeses16

[Nwanyioma 11]

My husband is Nigerian born(he's yoruba) and Im Nigerian/American born (my parents are both igbo) so besides the gender roles I was more worried about tribal clashes. As far as gender role, my husband is very very helpful when it comes to household chores and cooking especially. There was this misconception that African men dont cook, or doing anything else in the house leaving the wife to do everything. But with that being said I would guess that it will come from mans upbringing.

[PurpleSky 19]

I can't officially comment on the "husband" part yet. But I will say this...when I went to visit him, he did most of the cooking and cleaning. It really does matter how they are raised. My FH (Nigerian--Bini)is my cousin's brother in law and I've noticed that my FH's brother does quite a bit too. He cooks (when it comes to making Nigerian food), cleans and gets the kids up and ready for school/daycare. It seems him and my cousin have come to quite the understanding seeing as though she is a late riser.

[Zee Bee 61]

I am Ghanaian American, my husband is Ghanaian. We share the responsibilities. I do most of the household stuff, he does the rest. But we help each other out. For the stuff that is done everyday (cooking, dishes etc) I tend to do most of it since I come home from work early, but he'll help if I need it. Sometimes he will cook for us. And he loves to BBQ

[ajigglin 0]

my husband and i are both nigerian, and honestly, we haven't had that issue. he is a bit more liberal about things like cooking and cleaning, and i am a bit more traditional, so the two views end up being in sync.

honestly, in my opinion, there is no hard and fast rule. i would talk honestly and openly with your wife/husband about expectations. you'll be fine.

[MM+EV 0]

I will say the same. My husband is Cameroonian, and he does most of the cooking and cleaning when necessary seeing that he's waiting for his EAD/AOS.

But I dont think that will change once he gets a job outside the house.

I think once Africans live in African, they are peer pressured and they end up trying to prove something they are not.

[forchika 4]

I am American born and my husband is Nigerian. He does not help with household chores, can cook and will cook on occasion and only makes the bed every morning because he is always the last one to get up. I found out that it is do to upbringing. He was the son that never stayed home, would always be out doing something. Then would come home expecting a meal. Things have really not changed has been hereover 3yrs now. I will trade husbands with anyone who would take mine

Edited August 27, 2010 by forchika

[NigerLA 1]

I am a Nigerian man, married to an American. My wife and I have been married for over four years and she will most likely say that I do about 60% of the chores in our home. Having gone to boarding school in Nigeria, I just like to get things done.

My wife and I share cooking and cleaning roles quite well; I do it all, cleaning the bathrooms, doing the laundry and dishes. I do not complain, because I believe chores like everything else in a married needs to shared.

My wife is an attorney, and since we are expecting our first child in a few weeks, i've tried to make her life a little easier by doing all the chores. I believe both spouses should chip in to share house chores.

[forchika 4]

I am a Nigerian man, married to an American. My wife and I have been married for over four years and she will most likely say that I do about 60% of the chores in our home. Having gone to boarding school in Nigeria, I just like to get things done.

My wife and I share cooking and cleaning roles quite well; I do it all, cleaning the bathrooms, doing the laundry and dishes. I do not complain, because I believe chores like everything else in a married needs to shared.

My wife is an attorney, and since we are expecting our first child in a few weeks, i've tried to make her life a little easier by doing all the chores. I believe both spouses should chip in to share house chores.

Way to go NigerLA I commend you a very gracious compliment for helping out!!!!

[patient2010 93]

Good answer NigerLA

[Tiggi247 0]

I am American from Alabama living in Delaware my wife is from Conakry Guinea, and the best way I can describe our marriage is by the Isley Brothers song "Living for the love of you" I love it. She lets me help around the house when no one is around but when her/our aunt or family comes to visits she wont allow me to lift a finger. I wake everyday at 4am for work and I tries to let her sleep but she gets up with me and for dinner we sit and eat together. This past winter during the snow storm she tried to come outside and help me dig ourselves out she was more in da way but she was there the whole time with me, my wife my African family is wonderful and both of our family she is a blessing. We do everything together, go everyplace together. My life is great right now.

[Nwanyioma 11]

I am American from Alabama living in Delaware my wife is from Conakry Guinea, and the best way I can describe our marriage is by the Isley Brothers song "Living for the love of you" I love it. She lets me help around the house when no one is around but when her/our aunt or family comes to visits she wont allow me to lift a finger. I wake everyday at 4am for work and I tries to let her sleep but she gets up with me and for dinner we sit and eat together. This past winter during the snow storm she tried to come outside and help me dig ourselves out she was more in da way but she was there the whole time with me, my wife my African family is wonderful and both of our family she is a blessing. We do everything together, go everyplace together. My life is great right now.

Thats good to hear. Its good to be in love. You should post your story in the Happy Endings section.