Failed marriage, can't get her to agree to divorce

[belinda63 2,981]

Sorry but the more I read this the more it reminds me of the Chinese woman from the movie "Crash". The one who calls everyone a stupid cow.

Dude you have put up with enough, just leave or have her leave. No one deserves to be disrespected this much by his own spouse.

[TracyTN 237]

She has the two year green card. She is such a dingbat, I don't think she is able to support herself here. I thought I understood her current situation is dependent on her staying married to me. No marriage, and she has no right to stay here unless she claims and proves abuse.

The funny thing is, she actually hits ME. Light slaps, but annoying.

So she will have to remove conditions at some point. She can do it on her own if she is separated or divorced from you (see the multiple threads around here about that very topic - there is also a FAQ about it on the Removing Conditions guide, and a 'pinned' topic at the top of this forum). But if she's such a dingbat, she may not know enough to understand that she can get her 10 year card and be divorced.

Edited March 12, 2010 by TracyTN

[AlanM 1]

People who know my responses on this board will be surprised to read this, as it is a first for me:

I'm sorry for the hell you are going though.

That being said, why did you look for a spouse from China in the first place? Was that coincidence?

Now to my advice.

You are a victim of a failed marriage. From your expertly written account of it, I don't see any merit from your perspective to even attempt salvaging what's left of it. Your Chinese wife has everything to gain from keeping it formally alive, despite its early demise, but you don't.

If I were in your shoes, I would file for divorce tomorrow morning. I'd try to tell my wife that there's no way for me to stay in this unpleasant relationship. Depending on your State's divorce law, she'll be entitled to some money, so you might want to negotiate a peaceful divorce that goes through uncontested by her. If she doesn't agree, I'd move out of the house, in a trailer if I had to, lock her out of the bank accounts, rescue my valuables, and sit it out.

One way to gain her cooperation, assuming she wants to stay in the US is to tell her that you will not make any trouble for her when filing her I-751 so that she can remove conditions and get her 10-year Green Card, so immigration will. This works both ways, however, as if she gives you a hard time, you'll tell her that you just picked a new hobby: making her life as miserable as possible.

Nothing more to add to his, really.

What difference does that make?

[Bleauwolf 9]

Hi Clueless55,

It's really a shame to read about what has happened with you. There is post after post with peoples varied advice on what you should do. I think the consensus on that is quite clear: i.e. protect yourself and get a divorce. Above all you NEED to have some legal representation in any steps you take. I', not going to say much more about it as plenty has already been said.

Just one note in regards to legal services: Financially it seems you're in a pretty tight spot. If this is preventing you from seeking legal council, make sure to also check carefully for any legal services that may be available based on income and sometimes free. There are many organizations (including bar associations) the have county / state legal services available for non-criminal cases. Sometimes, you really have to hunt around. Needless to say, such services don't advertise a lot or run TV ads. Often a good source to check is through your local or state social services office.

I'd like touch on a few other points. Although some are moot points to your current situation, I can see your hurting. You never know what the future holds as far as relationship / marriage, so from that standpoint I just wanted to share some thoughts with you.

In reading your account of everything, there is one thing that came to mind: I don't know the circumstances in which you and your wife met AND how long you had a relationship prior to her coming over and your getting married. But, something to consider for any future relationships. Especially one with a foreigner and from a long distance.

I was glad to read the post by purpleorchid because it gives another perspective from a legitimate Chinese woman. The things she had to share are in fact very true. Although she gives very good input from the cultural aspect, it doesn't really apply in your (specific) case. Although, in the big picture, I think there have definitely been some cultural issues and misunderstandings. It is a delicate subject and, as purpleorchid said, it does really take a lot of time, nurturing, patience, open mindedness and understanding. Here I am just sharing some thoughts with you. I don't know you personally and so I'm not trying to claim that you didn't exhibit those qualities. As I observed: you said very little about how you met and how long your relationship was. (A moot point in the current situation).

What your wife is doing now is not a cultural issue (not to say that you may not have had cultural issues at some point) but, I think in this case there is absolutely no question she is a "bona fide" scammer who had ulterior motives. I the red flag showed itself in your own post... She was pushing the visa / you weren't quite ready for it. I think you missed to recognize that your sixth sense was giving you a warning. But, it is apparent to me your caring was genuine and when in that state of mind, we can sometimes easily miss a warning that's right in front of our eyes.

I really hate to see this kind of thing happen because in tarnishes the culture because of the actions of one person and can set stereo types that aren't true in most cases. More importantly is the fact that innocent and sincere people get victimized. The biggest crime of it all is that people like that have made the visa process complicated, difficult and unbearable for the many, many couples who are legitimate. i.e. so many are paying such a high price emotionally because of the actions of a few.

Lastly, I will make a personal observation. I don't mean to get too personal, but I mention it purely out of concern for you. Separate from the issue with your wife, I also sense a little self-esteem issue from you. I think partly it is playing a role in your taking some more proactive action. From your posts, I can sense that in reality you really know what you need to do. But, having a lot of trouble taking the step. Whatever you may think of yourself, don't ever think she is the end of the road for you or that you may never have someone else in your life in the future. If your a little down on yourself now, you current situation is just feeding it that much more. Don't feel foolish because someone deceived you. (I know easier said than done). Having fallen into the deception is not a measure of your intelligence. If you're a person who did things out of sincerity and truly caring... certainly you did not do so expecting deception in return. Don't linger in it, it's only making things worse. Take the steps that you need to take right away. You will feel a sense of relief and peace and the healing can begin.

Good luck and take care,

~Bleauwolf

[clueless55 18]

Thanks for all the responses.

The situation is confusing for me since I actually care for her, and love her, but have no desire to stay married to her.

The money issue slows things down a bit. I think if I handed her a plane ticket home, and a $1000, she'd be gone....at least long enough for me to move and leave no forwarding address she could access.

I am in the process of locating a lawyer.

[luke918 2]

Dude, she is not retarded as you think. With all due respect, I just don't know how else to put it, but you are the one acting a little retarded here. I know you thought you found the girl you loved--you didn't say how you two met and came about getting a K-1--although that doesn't matter at this point.

She is trying to stay with you until she gets her 10 year green card.

What you should: Do not file the I-751 or whatever form it is to remove restrictions on her permanent residency.

Immediately contact USCIS and ask to meet with them regarding your situation with her. Tell them before she finds out and give them the whole truth and scoop on what she is doing. If you sign the form to remove her conditions then you are breaking the law since it is 100% obvious if your story is on point that she didn't enter the marriage on good faith. She obviously is escaping her country for a better life.

Once you contact them they will tell you what to do. Also, don't feel sorry for her--she knows exactly what she is doing. She entered here illegally by your account of the story... and she needs to go back to her country and be banned for life (albiet will only be 10 years unless she leaves on her own).

Know it might not feel great but there is lines of good folks waiting to come to this great country here the right way -- not willing to ####### themselves out for a green card... send her back so we can Welcome the ones waiting the right way.

[waiting4rana 1]

Thanks for all the responses.

The situation is confusing for me since I actually care for her, and love her, but have no desire to stay married to her.

The money issue slows things down a bit. I think if I handed her a plane ticket home, and a $1000, she'd be gone....at least long enough for me to move and leave no forwarding address she could access.

I am in the process of locating a lawyer.

i must say you sound very contradictory here when you say you care for her and love here but yet you dont want to stay married to her, i feel there is more to this story than your one sided version

[Christi and Ian 24]

Thanks, everybody.

To be honest, she's not bleeding me dry, financially....just emotionally.

The funny thing about 'doctors'. She happily goes to the local doctor with my health insurance which doesn't cover much, racks up $200 office visits, then comes home and complains the 'western doctor' doesn't know anything, and ignores his advice.

I should be home in a few days. Usually I find enough new reasons to end it...and do it when I have a head of steam up.

OH yeah, my state requires a one year separation before you file for divorce.

Thanks

If I were the guy - and my wife was treating me this way, she would come home to an empty house and me gone. Divorce or no divorce, life's too short to be miserable in your own home.

I'm just sayin'.

Edited for spelling error.

Edited April 8, 2010 by Christi and Ian

[clueless55 18]

waiting4rana, perhaps you are only familiar with 'love' that involves sleeping with another person?

What a small world you live in.

I do love and care for her, but I have had no romantic feelings for her since I discovered a lot of the things she was up to.

(which are an unknown mixture of things stemming from her being dishonest, stubborn, and a dingbat)

I don't feel any obligation to support her the rest of her life. I don't think I need to 'hate' her to end the marriage.

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow.

[nane1104 146]

I wish you truly all the best. I agree with you, you can still have strong feelings for someone and yet you know it is not going to work out.

At this point I need to say it's sad but you need to take care of your own wellbeing first and I think a separation might be the right thing to do.

Best wishes!

[waiting4rana 1]

waiting4rana, perhaps you are only familiar with 'love' that involves sleeping with another person?

What a small world you live in.

I do love and care for her, but I have had no romantic feelings for her since I discovered a lot of the things she was up to.

(which are an unknown mixture of things stemming from her being dishonest, stubborn, and a dingbat)

I don't feel any obligation to support her the rest of her life. I don't think I need to 'hate' her to end the marriage.

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow.

Perhaps you are clueless, your name suits you well

[Ellie-and-David 38]

Perhaps you are clueless, your name suits you well

What's the saying....

"If you cant contribute anything meaningful to a discussion.....then dont contribute"

And a whole other number of applicable sentences. You clearly haven't read the whole thread, and have a black and white mentality toward relationships if you believe that it is necessary for one to HATE a spouse in order to divorce them. If the OP doesn't end this relationship soon, he will end up hating himself and her.

Clearly the OP has felt up until this point, that he has some sense of duty toward his wife and has thus far been very accomodating. But it takes two to get through this adjustment period and effort must be made my both the immigrant and their spouse.

OP - time to call this one quits for sure. Sometimes things just dont work out....

"You live, you learn"

Best of luck to you, with the job, the divorce and the freedom you will gain once away from this woman.

PS: Love the use of the term dingbat. It's been a while since I heard anyone use that

[ScratchIt 12]

We are actually living hand to mouth, right now. Savings? I have none. It's frightening. SHE has savings, which mysteriously appeared in US accounts after we married.

Vital documentation to have at hand such a divorce results from all of this. Don't know if you need to live by your job, you mention that you travel a lot, but if it possible to tie up any loose ends with the landlord and move to another state you may be able to establish residency and file in as little as 6 months although there will most likely be a venue issue. Where I live it is virtually impossible to evict a soon-to-be ex but if you move there is no law that I am aware of that says you have to take the BAGgage with you. I would think about talking to a trusted family member or friend about holding onto your money. Bank accounts, just like her little stash, can be rifled in a divorce. Document everything you can, places, dates, people, friends etc. things you see, hear, you name it. Details!!! Don't rely on memory in court. Notes and lots of them. A lawyer, if you get one, will help you sort through and organize it all but written notes are priceless.

OK, that's my legal and conniving schpeel - now for the heart-to-heart. Been there, done that 3 times. No one ever said I was perfect either. Last marriage lasted 1 week, the divorce and agony lasted 13 years and none of it was good but I swore that no matter what, I was going to make it work. Turns out that what I want has little to do with the results. Takes 2 to tango and all that #######. Her friends that tell her how to take advantage of Uncle Sugar are also telling her how to maximize using you, squeezing every bit of your blood out of you 'til there's nothing left. Granted we are only hearing 1 side of the story but if she has said the things to you claim, get out now, it ain't gonna get better. Her support system, her friends etc., are an army that you will never defeat and it will bring you down trying. You must save yourself before you can save anything else. Like the flight attendants always say: Put the mask on first then help your children. Corny but I hope it drives home the point.

Like someone said earlier, run Forrest, run.

That's all I have to say about that...

[Brad and Vika 129]

Dude, she is not retarded as you think. With all due respect, I just don't know how else to put it, but you are the one acting a little retarded here. I know you thought you found the girl you loved--you didn't say how you two met and came about getting a K-1--although that doesn't matter at this point.

She is trying to stay with you until she gets her 10 year green card.

What you should: Do not file the I-751 or whatever form it is to remove restrictions on her permanent residency.

Immediately contact USCIS and ask to meet with them regarding your situation with her. Tell them before she finds out and give them the whole truth and scoop on what she is doing. If you sign the form to remove her conditions then you are breaking the law since it is 100% obvious if your story is on point that she didn't enter the marriage on good faith. She obviously is escaping her country for a better life.

Once you contact them they will tell you what to do. Also, don't feel sorry for her--she knows exactly what she is doing. She entered here illegally by your account of the story... and she needs to go back to her country and be banned for life (albiet will only be 10 years unless she leaves on her own).

Know it might not feel great but there is lines of good folks waiting to come to this great country here the right way -- not willing to ####### themselves out for a green card... send her back so we can Welcome the ones waiting the right way.

Spot on! I have read here on VJ that there are web sites (in several languages) that go step-by-step through how and when to have/end a relationship with an American to get a ten year card. They go into detail about what to do to end the marraige, and what to do if the USC catches on and tries to send you home. That appears to be what is going on here. The OP does not seem to want to move quickly to end anything, and that makes sense to me, although it is a shame.

[ScratchIt 12]

Spot on! I have read here on VJ that there are web sites (in several languages) that go step-by-step through how and when to have/end a relationship with an American to get a ten year card. They go into detail about what to do to end the marraige, and what to do if the USC catches on and tries to send you home. That appears to be what is going on here. The OP does not seem to want to move quickly to end anything, and that makes sense to me, although it is a shame.

Yes, I am waiting to hear that she had one of her friends punch her so she could claim he did it. He goes to jail, she cleans out the house and gets a restraining order and files with USCIS herself claiming DV. This chick knows her stuff or has friends coaching her.

Edited April 9, 2010 by ScratchIt