Fiance with girl friends...

[ravenbow 0]

ok..this is from a guys point of view. I would definately be suspicious about this. Its not that strange to have a girl best friend, but to have planned trips of a week with her?? That is a week the two of you could be vacationing together or enjoying each other. If this is truly just a friend, then he should consider your feelings about this, because i am sure he wouldnt want you to go off for a week with another guy, even if you are "just friends". I applaud you for being secure with your relationship, but i would definantely get this straightened out before you are married, trust is a must, but this seems a little extreme to me.

[Catt 6]

Does this girl friend live alone or does she have roommates or a boyfriend?

I don't know why precisely it's inappropriate -- I mean, I can't pin it down to one reason. It's a bit odd yes, a married man staying over at a girl friend's place for a week. But like you said, he can't really fly over for lunch or a movie. But if it's making you uncomfortable, then obviously it's an issue.

And my most important suggestion to you--become friends with this girl. Pronto. Email/chat/pick up the phone/whatever.

Keep your friends close. Your enemies, even closer.

I completely agree with Sachinky, and also with what Sundrop has posted.

It is not about not doing something because it would be "inappropriate" in general. However, if you feel bad because of it, that should be reason enough!

Personally, I would NOT be okay with my husband spending that amount of time on his own with a friend every 6 months, be it a male friend or a female friend (but frankly, especially not a female friend). He does not have a lot of leave so it is nice to be able to spend it together.

From reading all your posts, it seems that the problem here might especially be that particular girl. You somewhere mentioned (if I remember correctly) that you wouldn't really want to go along and spend that time with her because she wouldn't like it....

Well, why not! And what does she not like in particular?

So it seems that SHE has a problem with your relationship. I would focus on that.

It will be interesting to see what her reaction is to your fiance suggesting she come visit you or both of you going over to her.

It might also be good to do just that prior to getting married, just to see how it feels and if you really feel comfortable with it all.

Good luck.

[Nik+Heather 121]

It's inappropriate because it is exclusive. It's a relationship from which you, his wife-to-be (and continuing later when you are his wife) are being excluded.

I see others coming in to say that platonic opposite sex relationships are possible, and I believe it - but all of them also talk about how they were always included in the activities, and where the new girlfriend/boyfriend was included by the platonic friend. And we aren't talking about a "girls trip to vegas" which implies a group of more than just two people, or an actual destination here. The two situations just don't relate.

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

To each their own, but for us, my husband and I are best friends. This is what we want and expect from/in our marriage. Neither of us would ever want a vacation from or without the other and would never allow any1 to come between us, Period.

You have every right to like or dislike. It seems simple to me, you don't like it, so, he should stop it. period. If he resents it, then I would question his priorities and what he wants from your marriage.

Compromise makes a marriage work and grow but compatibility must be there too. I think you better have an open discussion about your compatibility regarding friendships outside the marriage. If you 2 don't match up, then you 2 better think twice, thrice and again before you marry.

Good luck

[Adrian+Mike 2]

if you need some proof for later - suggest this:

1. he cannot go to them, they must come to your house, sleep there.

2. install video camera system in all rooms prior to him coming over.

3. when the girl(s) visit, leave for a few hours, turn on the recording system.

then review the recordings. go on like this for '5 visits' with the girls.

You should have all the proof you need, by then, yes?

send me a PM if you need info on inhouse video systems.

As Sjr09 says, if a person needs to do all that then they obviously don't trust the person one iota, not a great basis to start off a relationship.

[Christi and Ian 24]

I'm sure I'm just reiterating what others have said here, but I believe it's a matter of integrity. Out of respect for the person that you love, you don't put yourself in a situation that could be deemed questionable. Regardless of the nature of their relationship, as your fiancee, his loyalties should be with you, full stop.

[AUS2USA 0]

Gonna throw something out here that no one has touched upon yet.

Your fiance is about to leave his entire life - home, family, job, belongings and friends - behind and will have to start over from scratch with you. Even though he'll be with you, he will still have moments of feeling lonely or isolated. It takes about 2 years as a minimum to really adapt to a new life in a new country.

Irrespective. I think that is a cheap excuse imho. This MAN also has input and has made a choice to move 1/2 way around the World to me with the woman he loves. These are sacrifices you make in life, and the RESPECT for one another does not come in the form of demanding time away ever 6 months with a woman.

I love my wife, she is my absolute soul mate and best friend and it has been this way since we met. Still, if she made THOSE demands when coming to live with me or vice-versa, then I'm sure we would have had 'red flags'

To each their own, but for us, my husband and I are best friends. This is what we want and expect from/in our marriage. Neither of us would ever want a vacation from or without the other and would never allow any1 to come between us, Period.

You have every right to like or dislike. It seems simple to me, you don't like it, so, he should stop it. period. If he resents it, then I would question his priorities and what he wants from your marriage.

Compromise makes a marriage work and grow but compatibility must be there too. I think you better have an open discussion about your compatibility regarding friendships outside the marriage. If you 2 don't match up, then you 2 better think twice, thrice and again before you marry.

Good luck

BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! +1

[ellmvl 1]

I have a big circle of friends back in the Philippines. We were in college when we started hanging out so basically we were all singles that time. Later after college, some have found their bf/gf's already and I knew things wont be the same anymore since they would rather spend holidays with their sweethearts than with the group. So as the "mother" of our group, I made an effort to always invite their partners to come to our group outings, that way everyone will be happy and doesn't feel the need to choose between friends and their partners. Now, my friends husbands/wives are all part of our gang. As a friend, even how close I am to my male friend still I couldn't let him stay in our house while I am alone. Not because I dont trust him but because I don't want my husband to feel uncomfortable...and I dont want him to start hating my friend...so to avoid that, you gotta put a certain boundary in your relationship between you & your friend. IF he/she is a real friend to you...he/she should understand that and would not ask you to do something that could ruin your relationship with your partner. I value friendship very much and I do not wish to come to the point where my husband would ask me to choose between him and my friends, for me that is just so unfair. So to avoid this situation, you gotta learn how to put boundaries between these two relationships and how to blend them together without making one's feel being left out. You guys really need to settle this issue now or this will be a big problem in the near future. I truly understand how you feel right now.

Btw, for some reason this thread reminds me of the movie "My bestfriend's Wedding". (one of my fav)

[Danu 19]

My Ex-bf tried to pull this on me too, and I found out later he was actually trying to get into the girls pants, so I was glad I went with my gut. Now this doesn't apply to everyone because there are some guys who can have friendships like this without having a hidden motive, but as others have said, what is important is how it makes you feel.

My husband had a friend (just a friend) who I didn't necessarily trust. I trusted him but I could see the way she was making advances on him. I explained that her actions bothered me and he talked to her and not only got her to stop, but cut down tons on talking to her. He almost never does now. The biggest part here was he respected my feelings enough to try to work through the issue without any demands or questioning on why I felt that way. He knows I have a history of guys who weren't good to me and its something that would have made him feel bad as well if the situation was reversed. If he truely cares he will be willing to work with you in any way possible to make the situations work. I couldn't dream of spending any of my limited vacation time without my man and I would be very sad if he chose to do so without me.

[SunDrop 59]

Irrespective. I think that is a cheap excuse imho.

I think you misunderstood my reasoning. I wasn't saying that I believe that this is an 'excuse' in any way, but rather something that might be making it difficult for him to 'let go' of the friendship. I don't believe it to be the case, but it's only fair to look at it as a possibility. It IS the reason why I would suggest that the friend travel to stay with them for a week or whatever instead of him going there. There's no impropriety about that and the friend will be able to see that their marriage is alive and well. My personal belief is that if he stops traveling there alone, then the friendship will wind down because the friend isn't looking for friendship; she wants more...

Just yesterday, I said to one of my closest friends, who lives on the East coast, that although we'll be as far away from her as we are now, the airfares will be cheaper so I'll get to see her more often. The other reason I haven't spent anywhere near as much time with her as we used to is because I've been using my vacation time to travel to see my fiance in AZ instead. We were lucky enough to be able to travel all of us from AZ to NH to visit them for a week, but I know that my fiance wouldn't have a problem with me going without him once in the US. Having said all that, we'll both be married women so it's not a transferable experience, except for the traveling without my new spouse.

[Darnell 8,478]

I'm a fan of 'fidelity in marriage'.

You might want to ask this fiance-person HIS thoughts about 'fidelity in marriage' - just to clear the air.

NEVER ASSUME that you know his POV about it - ASK HIM.

[mistyblkrose33 0]

Is it possible in your discussion with him to take the gender out of the equation? If I were to tell Rin I was planning a one or two week vacation alone with one of my guy friends, all hell would break loose!

The issue would be the large amount of time spent on something that put space between us. We all have precious few resources, and TIME is one of them. Rin covets our time together and would not like the idea of me 'spending' that limited resource in such a large chunk with anyone else. Of course, if that 'friend' was female, it would multiply the 'hell that broke loose' a hundred-fold!

I for one am finally glad that someone mentioned to take the gender out of things, for more reasons than one. About two weeks again I have the pleasure of taking to take to a young man from my finance's country. He was planning to marry a woman that he started a relationship with who he no longer loves because of the unforgivable things that she had done. (story way to long to tell). He was going to go through with a marriage just to get to another woman here in the states. But thank goodness the woman was a dead beat parent or it would have worked. This is not right by any means and I told him so. Gladly that was the one and only conversation I have with the young man. I do know this, time is precious so to use a big chuck of time with someone who is not the most important thing is you life is wasteful.

Several people have said that this process is long and hard enough without the extra BS that people can put you through. As said earlier if this young lady is not trying to be your friend or at least your acquaintance then there is something that she doesn't want you to know. I am not saying that its something that your fiance knows about, but there is something not being said.

Bottom line if something was bothering me my fiance would eliminate the doubt by bring things to the light. There should not be anything that is tucked away from you partner, no matter who or what the issue is. However, we can talk until we are blue inf the face. This is your life don't live uncomfortably unless you feel you can. Good luck, and may God lead you to the right decision. Take care a good friend is always a post, email, or IM away because we must be here for each other. Thank care!

[Justine+David 218]

Okay everyone, coming out of the anonymous rank..."Immigrationstuff" was me.

I've talked with David an hour this morning on the phone, went to sleep (I work the night shift) and then talked with him over skype for 3 hours just now and we've resolved the situation

He kept thinking it was a trust issue but you guys provided what I knew sort of but didn't know how to put into words. It's not about spending time with her, it's about going away and leaving me when we've been through so much separation already and I'll be working full-time and him to follow after he gets done with school and adjustment of status. He understands that and has no problem with her coming over here, which we will do sometime in 2011 (we're getting married in September and he'll see her at the wedding). I have no problems with him having friends or seeing them, but I don't want it to take time away from us when, as someone pointed out, it is so very precious in the first place.

In the future, we've also discussed that this won't be an issue anyway because in a year's time he'll be working and has said himself he wouldn't think about using his only 2 weeks of vacation to be with a friend versus me or down the line we'll have kids and he wouldn't leave me and the kids alone to spend vacation with a friend, he very much gets that.

He also understands and sees that I'm not seeing my friends either, i.e. I moved out to the east coast about a year and a half ago and all my close friends are still in Seattle, yet I'm not spending money and my vacation time to see them, it's to see him.

Thank you so much everyone for all of your insight and advice. And not to knock some of the nay-sayers down (video cameras? HAHA!!) but we're both virgins and couldn't imagine doing it with someone else...

This worked because we have a highly effective communicative relationship and I would suggest anyone in a similar situation to sit down and talk it out with their significant other as well. Remember that this is a person you love and if they love you back you should both be able to sit down and calmly discuss this and keep in mind that you don't want to hurt each other.

Thank you VJ!!!

[AUS2USA 0]

glad to hear it all turned out! I'm still a fan of the video camera idea hahahaha j/k

[Justine+David 218]

wait a sec...haha, I think David wouldn't mind having video cameras...in our bedroom. Eep!

oh, and I have to say that it was pretty cool to have a "hot topic" on the main page even if the subject wasn't so cool...

Edited January 24, 2010 by Justine+David