Fiance with girl friends...

[When2RNLove 6]

Hi everyone,

I'm a regular poster on VJ but posting here anonymously to ask a question.

My fiance and I are getting married some time later this year; we're almost done with the K1 visa process. He's European and we've known each other for about 2.5 years and have dated for a little more than a year and have seen each other multiple times over the last year.

His best friend as he proclaims is a girl who lives on the opposite side of the country from where I do. I was fairly put out by this; shouldn't you marry your best friend? but since I'm his fiance, I'm that, not his best friend. I've met her and she's very nice, she's the type of person who has more guy friends than girl friends. She's going to be my fiance's equivalent of "best man" in our wedding.

But I have to confess that the relationship hasn't always put me at ease. My fiance wants to spend a week or two with her every 6 months at least, although if he was able to work, he's said that he'd like to do it a lot more often than that and would like to do that as the years go by. Though I can feel that he would never cheat on me, it still doesn't make me feel comfortable him staying at her house for that long period of time without me.

If I'm being honest here, I suppose part of this stems from when I had a guy best friend a few years back but we reached a point after a long time that we started treating each other like we were dating each other even though he had a girlfriend at the time. I was so disgusted with myself (we didn't have sex, but some heavy petting) afterwards that it was a good push for me to move out of that city; I was in a life transition at the time and this was the last bit of push I needed to move to another city because I couldn't stand being that girl. I had never ever intended for anything like that to happen, but as we got closer and closer together sharing our thoughts and time together, it just happened (I know, very original).

Do I think this would happen to him?

No.

But I didn't think it would happen to me. Not in a million years.

He also has a lot of friends a few hours away from here that he'd like to see on a regular basis...he's the type of guy that has more girl friends than guy friends because he's a touchy-feely type, which is what I love about him. Those don't really bother me except for the idea that he goes alone all the time.

I know that people are still individuals in their marriage, but on the other hand I felt it was more like a unit and that one doesn't generally (not always, but generally) go without the other.

What do you guys think? Am I being very silly here?

A fiance/Man's place is at home with is fiancee/Wife. If it walks like a Duck yada yada yada.

[CDAgirlMI 51]

I'm not going to speculate why he's going to see this friend, as other have stated their opinion on it already.

But, you HAVE to talk to him. Tell him exactly how you feel, without sounding like you're interrogating. If you don't tell him, he'll think its alright & that you're ok with it.

[UKGirl123 24]

It does ring alarm bells with me that he wishes to go alone. I think the earlier poster asked a valid question...Is she from the US or his home country?

If she is from the US well yes it's odd but if she is from his home country I'd be worried. Don't be used just for a visa, you are worth more.

Talk to him about it and tell him your feelings without seeming jealous. If he is genuine he will want to comfort your fears and suggest you come. If he is not he will get funny with you and get in a mood saying things like "I can't believe you don't trust me" or "well fine I won't go to see anyone ever again". If he is not genuine he will try and make you feel guilty, if he does this then get rid of him. Yes it may hurt but in the long run you will be happier. I know the signs of a cheater when I see it and I know it is easy to say leave them as it took me years.

I wish you the best of luck

[Martyshk 137]

My great friend (not my best friend, because my fiancee is my best friend now) is a girl. She, however lives on the West Coast. We've known each other for about 10 years now.

She is married now and we haven't seen each other in almost 8 years.

My fiancee knows about this situation. She's quite fine with it, because I have no intention of ever going to see my friend on my own. I just told her everything upfront so she won't be jealous.

To make a point too - there were never any romantic feelings or relationship between my friend and I, ever, she's like a sister to me. We call each other "brother-sister" because we've known each other for so long.

Now, your situation is just...well....it's f'ed up. I wouldn't stand for that if my fiancee told me she had a guy friend like that. There's a big chance that they are just friends and are used to spending time together, but, he's not on his own anymore, so he has to think about both you whenever he makes decisions.

I don't know, this situation is convoluted.

[Immigrationstuff 0]

Thanks everyone for their thoughts so far...

Just to clarify a few things...

We have talked about it and I pulled up our old skype conversation about it, actually it was just about exactly a year ago. He did write that he would choose me over her if it came down to that because he doesn't want me to feel so uncomfortable but that he'd try to talk to me about it.

He also considers a wife/girlfriend/fiance to be much higher above a best friend, just as he considers his sister to be higher above a best friend, which is why he has a separate name for it and that if we were just friends that we would be best friends, but you don't have to necessarily have just one best friend.

If I asked him, he probably wouldn't mind at all if I went with him, although she probably would; I don't particularly want to go because it's a lot of money to see someone who I've only met once and to use vacation time to boot, but I guess the flip side is if it's important to him...she is a US citizen, a bit younger. They spent a week together last year right after we got engaged (we were both in California at the time together) and I went home and he stayed on a week to see her where they watched movies, hung out together, that kind of thing. Reading that makes me sound like a petty person because I don't want him to give up his friendships or anything...although when I re-read our previous conversation on it, I had forgotten that when he blogged about us being together and that sort of thing, she wrote something to the effect of

: ) oh, my Mark (different name).

He put it off as just the way she is, but that really makes me feel uncomfortable. He's said it doesn't mean what most people would think it means because he knows her.

As far as planning out a social calendar, he's been to the U.S. many, many times and has a lot of friends here through the virtue of a fandom that we both belong to and if he wasn't moving here, he'd still come to the U.S. to see people maybe 3-4 times a year, so it doesn't surprise me at all about planning out that kind of thing. It's only come up now because we're planning our budget together for the rest of the year and putting together budgets for trips and the like.

I'll call him tomorrow to talk about it...definitely put the brakes on someone calling him theirs and talk to him about the whole thing.

I guess I didn't think married people did this kind of thing, you know? The idea of her coming to where we live is a great idea and I think I might put that forward.

I do trust him implicitly, I guess I just don't trust the company.

Edited January 24, 2010 by Immigrationstuff

[Martyshk 137]

In the end, it really all depends on how you want your marriage to work. Open marriage, all that, yadda yadda works for some people, but I definitely do not sense that vibe from you.

Also, this is not even about cheating right now. Don't get me wrong, I have weirdly close relationship with my friend in L.A., but once I found my fiancee, it has changed. I'd never go stay with her for a week. First off, because he hubby wants to kill me as it is (oh, if I were him I'd want to do that too, it's perfectly normal), and second, because I love my future wife way too much to make her feel inadequate for no reason. Not like she'll even be jealous, she knows I'm hers till the end of time, but I'd literally tear her head off if she'd say she's gonna go stay with some guy for a week after we are married (hell, even now, same deal).

It comes down to how possessive both of you are (in my case it works because we are both equally possessive).

I mean, I guess your future husband would also be fine with you going away for a week staying with another man?

Am I the only one who sees something wrong in that previous sentence no matter how you spin it?

[Immigrationstuff 0]

That's the thing, he would be okay with it (me going off with a guy friend for awhile). He has a world view that the gender ties we have in society are ridiculous and that everyone should be able to go with everyone, like a guy going with a guy on a hunting trip or girls having a trip to Vegas shouldn't be any different than if it was a guy and girl doing the same thing. While ideally I think the world should be like this, I think it's a little naive...this kind of thinking has bitten him before, as since he is such an open person he's not at all nervous about telling friends that he loves them and one girl got very upset and hurt with this because she thought it meant something more.

I'm all for telling people that you love them, but to have it be very clear with the other person what it exactly means because with the opposite sex things can get shady.

Edited January 24, 2010 by Immigrationstuff

[ms_jinga_lala 0]

My thoughts about this....if you know he does it now and you know he plans to do it now and you say nothing and you don't talk this out to find a mutually agreeable resolution then you have absolutely NO right to say something after you get married. So, trust or not, cheating or not, crazy man stealing best friend or not, if you suspicions grow or you become more uncomfortable after you assume the title of wife, you will still have NO right to say something after you get married because by marrying him without raising a red flag on this is the same thing as consenting to the behavior. If it bothers you, work this out now. Your new marriage is going to have enough challenges without something like this to add to it.

I also was curious about one thing. After reading both your posts I can't help but wonder if he's planning on visiting other people as well after you get married. You mentioned he comes here to visit people 3-4 times a year. You also mentioned he saw her about a year ago. Does that mean he didn't go see her twice this past year? If not, why does he all of a sudden need to see her more? (I do understand the traveling will be cheaper, I just don't think that justifies it.) Being married means he is responsible to you and to take care of your needs, not run off just to hang out with his friends for a week here and there. Also are you going to be the sole supporter in the marriage? Or is he just going to spend 2 weeks of his vacation time with her every year and not taking you to some wonderful relaxing place to get some quiet time? Best friend or not, that doesn't seem fair to give some/most/all of the time you two could be making memories with some other woman - even if she is just a friend. If you decide to let him go, a weekend should be sufficient once in a while.

[leahandlucas 15]

Well...im going to add my 2c in on this.

Talk to him straight up about this, tell him how you feel, and that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

There are things you DID when you are single, and there are things you DON'T do when you are in a serious relationship, especially when getting married.

It's time for him in a sense to cut the chord with this "best friend", the environment just is not inviting, and nothing positive can come out of it. There would be alot of temptation.

And this "friend" should know better...its about RESPECT. If she well and truly knows that your fiance is with you, then she needs to just back off, find a life of her own, there are PLENTY of other guys in this country who she can make friends with.....the U.S. has like 300 MILLION people in it,...so there's no shortage.

Its like i dont understand someone, when they know someone has a girlfriend/boyfriend, they also are "in love" with them as well...its a respect thing, and this friend needs to back off.

This to me smells like a good old fashioned putting the"fish fingers-in-the-pie-hole", and they sure as hell arent going to be smelling like an apple pie.....if you know what i mean

[CDAgirlMI 51]

My thoughts about this....if you know he does it now and you know he plans to do it now and you say nothing and you don't talk this out to find a mutually agreeable resolution then you have absolutely NO right to say something after you get married.

Totally agree.

[Immigrationstuff 0]

You're absolutely right about that and I will be calling him tomorrow to talk about it.

When I said he visits people, I guess the more appropriate saying is that he goes here to go to fandom events that happen a few times each year and his friends go to them as well, but she can't afford to go. He does take the occasional trip just to see people, but as I was on the east coast, he decided to see me and his east coast friends since she is the only friend on the west coast.

I will be the sole supporter for at least a year since he hopes to do a one year masters program in teaching; I'm blessed to work in a high-paying job that could support a family if needed and I love my job, whereas he hates his current job in his country and wants to move to teaching. Once he's settled with that, I plan to go to school while he supports us so I can get my masters or doctorate. That's a fair point that you bring up about the vacation thing; where he lives, he has three times as much time off than we do in the states so he's used to being able to take long vacations multiple times. If he's working, obviously he won't be able to do that, although he'll have the summer off if he's a teacher, I guess.

[Quail 0]

I was in a situation similar to his. My very best friend was a man I had known since childhood. We never had any sexual or relationship like feelings for eachother ever - it was purely platonic and 100% normal and acceptable to us. However he occasionally played a big brother role and would get protective of me and he had serious reservations about my getting involved with someone in another country. He also occasionally threw in the "My Amanda" line as well as a harmless endearment.

Then things started happening with my then-new boyfriend. He was really, really uncomfortable with my "Bestfriend".. he didn't understand the dynamic at all because he had never had a relationship like that with a member of the opposite sex. He never really out right demanded that I cease contact with my friend but his irritation/jealous/aggravation about it was a constant argument. I held my ground and refused to give in to it - I tried to explain over and over and over what was going on and how innocent it was. To me he was making a big deal out of nothing.

After a few months, my fiance relented a little and I think started to understand but it took a lot of misunderstanding and hurt feelings for us to get to that point.

Looking back on it, even after being married for only a short time, I have a better understanding of where he was coming from. Our lives have converged into one and having that third person being so closley involved would seem out of place. I'm not saying that I would give up friends for our marriage (Though I doubt it would ever come to that) but I am more respectful and aware of the boundaries and invisible guidelines within our relationship.

I don't know if that helps you any but that is my experience. Based on first impressions, I am inclined to agree with people who say it seems a bit shady however I was in a somewhat similar situation as him and being judged like that would have driven me nuts. It's good that you are willing to talk to him about it - I think that should always be your first step. I also don't see why she can't come to visit you? If it is so important for them to see eachother, she should be willing to put forth a bit as well. As other people suggested, you could also accompany him when he goes but you could plan it more as a trip for you too.. you can stay in your own hotel and spend time with her during the day. I think that would be a more "normal" way of doing things and I know that if I was in your shoes, I would probably be the way my husband and I would do it.

Anyhow, good luck to you!

Edit: I was also thinking, based on your last post that once he gets settled in and starts his own live in the US that he might lose interest in her.. Just a thought.

Edited January 24, 2010 by Quail

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

In Saudi Arabia you get whipped for adultery; some couples in the US and other western countries see it as a sign of an open marriage where such experiences enhance the relationship. Bottom line: in a marriage both have to agree on the rules of the game.

I'd venture to guess that the majority of men can't be "just friends" with a girl; others can after "the tension is gone." Few men can be friends with a girl without any strings attached..

Trust is probably the most important factor in any relationship. Can you trust your finance? Do you want to be able to trust him? Can he put your doubts to rest? Would he be willing to end the relationship with his female friend if you told him that you don't feel comfortable with it?

Freedom. We all want to have as much freedom as possible. That's why the legislator only restricts freedom when it interfers with the freedom of others. If I want to shoot somebody, I can't do that because the shooter's freedom cannot override the shootee's. If I want an open marriage, it will only work if my partner feels the same way. If he or she doesn't, I have to refrain from doing something that would hurt that person.

Before you get married, you have to have a talk with your finance. Tell him what bothers you and find a solution together. If you can, that's fine, if you can't, you shouldn't get married until you can. It's easy for boyfriend and girlfriend to break up; ending a marriage is an entirely different thing.

You don't need to get married to this gentleman soon, later, or ever. It's a choice, and you better be totally comfortable with the choice you are making.

Addendum:

There's nothing wrong with your finance having a female best friend. I, personally, however, would not be okay with him to visit her so frequently. Let her visit you, both of you, would be my suggestion to him.

Edited January 24, 2010 by Just Bob

[rika60607 215]

I was all up to defend this guy and his friendship until I read this.

and I went home and he stayed on a week to see her where they watched movies, hung out together, that kind of thing. Reading that makes me sound like a petty person because I don't want him to give up his friendships or anything...

He only gets to spend 2 weeks with you and he chooses to spend a week with her right after your engagement????

That's wrong!

[leahandlucas 15]

i dunno, but if you don't nip this in the butt right now, i can see this going to court....so the pastor will worry about the marriage and the unfortunate side is the judge will have to worry about the divorce....

So really...tell him straight up...his behaviour is NOT normal...im sorry.

It gets to me because i know of a similiar situation, he was like that, always had his "friends" and his PRIORITIES were very well mixed up, in the end, it ended in divorce, trust was broken, confidence was lost.

Not saying that yours will be the same, but it can happen....be careful