Questions to Ask BEFORE you get married

[Lia792 5]

This isn't personally directed towards anyone, but I have read a lot of the old posts on the site on the topic of divorce and visa fraud out of personal curiosity, and it seems that those two items are fairly common. I would like to make a suggestion to someone considering getting married to someone else, especially if you are in a long-distance relationship. What better way to pass those long hours in front of the computer screen than getting to know each other? Here's an example of the type of questions you need to ask each other, but there are hundreds of lists like this on the internet:

http://marriage.about.com/od/engagement/ss/engagedissues.htm

In general, I would say that any couple that is dating needs to discuss:

whether they want to get married in the future to this partner or anyone

views of marriage in general

religion

education

work

finances

sexuality

what you do in your free time...etc, etc.

An LDR is a really great time to ask all those questions you have ever wanted to know. You should know if your SO has had a threesome, whether they plan to combine finances with you, what language they want to speak with you, what they want to do when you are together. Especially in a cross-cultural relationship, it is easy to make assumptions that the other person thinks like you. Don't assume, because we all know that when we assume we make an... Besides, it is really fun to just sit your loved one down and go through the questions. And trust me that it is not fun at all when you are in a long-term relationship with someone and you learn that they "forgot" to mention something really important. It's not always on purpose, but some cultures are not as open as American culture. Above all, I want to put forth that two people should know each other truly and deeply before even considering getting married. From a philosophical point of view, I am saying that love should follow knowledge, not actions following falling in love or lust. Scientifically, those endorphins wear off pretty quickly and it is then when you need to make a rational decision.

*Lia steps off her soapbox and wonders what to do with the soap.*

[christeen 966]

Good advice not just for LDRs but for getting married in general... However, I might add an important discussion is What do I expect from the relationship and living here in America... This is not just the warm fuzzy "I want to be close to you" answer... more like, how do you forsee life together, daily routines, what you each expect from each other... This is an important fact to consider as it seems that many sticking points seem to come from urealistic expectations (on both sides)...

[alienlovechild 75]

There's always more questions to ask. Some of the questions may seem rude or too personal but if you're planning on marrying that person, you're better off knowing all you can prior to committing.

[NickD 202]

Not words, but actions and responses with a genuine interest in each other. If you have any doubts or feel emotions such as jealousy, time to move on. One sure warning is to be pushed.

[PlatyPius 5]

Always find out if the person has an unnatural interest in cats......

[thongd4me 69]

Excellent link

The reason why my first marriage failed was that we mutually failed to ask such questions.

The fact that my first marriage was entered into in real life actually stood in the way of that.

The fact that my second marriage is resulting form a very very LDR has enabled us to

ask and answer most of those questions over a period of 7 years. Since we couldn't have

the opportunity to be physically with each other, we were able to interact more intimately

through good communication.

There are 10 pages of questions and I felt that not all of them had the same weight.

That will vary from couple to couple.

I think some of the most important questions that we covered were:

Do you think we listen to one another well?

What do we as a couple want out of life?

What do you think we'll be doing in thirty or forty years?

How are we going to divide up the household chores?

What are your expectations about how we will spend our free time?

How do you want to spend our days off?

Do you believe that we should be doing everything together?

Can we each pursue our own interests?

Do you need or want time alone?

How would you feel if I want a night out with my friends now and then?

How will we make sure we have quality time together?

How will we make decisions together?

Are we both willing to face into difficult areas or do we try to avoid conflict?

Do we handle conflict well?

How are we different?

Do you think our differences will create problems in our marriage?

Do you expect or want me to change?

Can we both forgive?

Are we both willing to work on our communication skills and to share intimately with each other?

The general topic of in-laws was covered in the sample questions.

For us, that is a little harder to predict.

She has seen how I interact with her family (my in-laws) and I think she has absolutely no problem

with that because I have always treated them with the highest respect (most importantly her son

and ex-husband).

I have not seen how she will react with my ex-wife, kids and mom. I'm not worried much about

my brothers because even for me they are marginal in my life.

Unlike her ex-husband (he may be difficult with her but not with me), my ex-wife is a potential time

bomb, but I know she will handle any problems as well or even better than I will. I feel we both have

good people management skills, but it CAN get sticky and unpredictable when those people are family.

My 83-yr old mom is another question, but her behavior has typically been to treat her daughter-in-laws

(even my Japanese ex) with much greater respect than she gives her own sons. I think it's because

she would have preferred to have daughters, LOL My mom is a great stress on my life but I don't see

her as being as great a stress on my wife's. Another thing we talked about is I expressed the intention

that my wife will be looking for a job (something she is enthusiastic about, no matter how menial).

Naturally she is more than willing to help with my mother but I said if my mom needs 24/7 care, I

will have to get someone to assist us with that while we are both at work. My hope is that my wife

will be able to find an elderly Thai woman through the local wat that we can both trust.

I think the top 3 questions which we have covered well are the following:

Are we both willing to face into difficult areas or do we try to avoid conflict?

Can we both forgive?

Are we both willing to work on our communication skills and to share intimately with each other?

[thongd4me 69]

Not words, but actions and responses with a genuine interest in each other. If you have any doubts or feel emotions such as jealousy, time to move on. One sure warning is to be pushed.

Actions DO speak louder even in providing responses to the OP's suggested list of questions.

She had the opportunity to see how I handled being under the

same roof with her, her sisters, her brother, her son AND her ex-husband

on numerous occasions (in 5 extended trips to Thailand). Songkran gave the

obligation for an in-gathering of the family in most of those years but we

even got together for a few days on my last trip which was NOT during Songkran.

If that isn't a trial by fire (where there was absolutely no conflict between me and them),

I don't know what is.

She always told me what her specific problems were with them as individuals and

she was happy with the support I gave her.

Edited December 24, 2009 by thongd4me

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Good advice. It seems all too often when an international marriage goes sour, the USC claims it was marriage fraud. My opinion is - if your spouse managed to fool you and immigration for years before finally revealing their "true" intentions, then shame on you. Yet, that doesn't hinder a lot of USC's from wanting to post here how they were fooled and to give a warning to others.

Edited December 24, 2009 by Galt's gallstones

[Ban Hammer 12,871]

Always find out if the person has an unnatural interest in cats......

[rebeccajo 14]

Always find out if the person has an unnatural interest in cats......

Hahahahahahahahahahahhaha...........

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Another question to ask:

Do you want to have children?

I see many couples go koo-koo over that.

[thongd4me 69]

Another question to ask:

Do you want to have children?

I see many couples go koo-koo over that.

Before I met my ex-wife I was in a much better relationship with someone

who couldn't have kids AND refused to consider adopting.

In the end, that was the only deal-breaker for us but it was the furthest

from our mind when we first got together.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Before I met my ex-wife I was in a much better relationship with someone

who couldn't have kids AND refused to consider adopting.

In the end, that was the only deal-breaker for us but it was the furthest

from our mind when we first got together.

Exactly right. Been there done that. Only I was the holdup

[Jenn! 918]

Always find out if the person has an unnatural interest in cats......

[Scott & Lai 12]

Always find out if the person has an unnatural interest in cats......