Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[BRB 6]

Dude no way she is leaving if you don't send the money. You are her meal ticket. Sending money is fine if you both agree. In my case my wife's mom is elderly and I don't mind helping out some as the rest of the children do. When you give to people that can work and pay their own way they just end up wanting more and more. Who does not want free money? A small amount of money as you know goes a long way if they are truely poor so you should not be sending hundreds of dollars all the time and the stories and lies will get worse just to get money out of you. You have to say no or else you will be the bank they always go to.

[Atencio 43]

We discussed this issue early because everyone told me that family well being is always a concern of the spouse. The fact that my fiancée supported mother and father also would not make feel right to cut them off. I told fiancé that we could still send them the money that she would have contributed from her salary in Philippines which is $250.00/month. Anything more she would need to get a job. She was more than happy with that arrangement and I could tell it really lifted a burden from her shoulders

Edited January 11, 2010 by Atencio

[Gilles 4]

Another thing I'd like to add is sometimes my wife engages in behavior that is unacceptable. I'd prefer to not go into details, but it's things that I ask her to stop, but she continues doing. What can others say about the effectiveness of threatening to cut off financial support to her family if she doesn't cease to engage in unacceptable behavior?

[-B&T- 1]

Another thing I'd like to add is sometimes my wife engages in behavior that is unacceptable. I'd prefer to not go into details, but it's things that I ask her to stop, but she continues doing. What can others say about the effectiveness of threatening to cut off financial support to her family if she doesn't cease to engage in unacceptable behavior?

You're really having troubles there with your wife …she needs to grow up and be a woman. How old is she? If she's demanding more money to send to her family then she has to find a job.

[TBoneTX 43,061]

You're really having troubles there with your wife …she needs to grow up and be a woman. How old is she? If she's demanding more money to send to her family then she has to find a job.

Agreed with this, and I strongly fear that you're in for it if & when she achieves access to your "family" financial accounts. Do you want to come home one day to learn that checks have bounced because she has wired copious amounts of money to the Philippines? Alternatively, do you want to have to log in to your bank accounts several times a day to make sure that she hasn't siphoned money? Remember that she may do this [1] if you have any argument of any sort, and [2] whenever she feels that the amount that you have sent is "insufficient" or "tardy." Remember that you need "joint" bank accounts for AOS.

There either needs to be a serious "come to Jesus" meeting, or you need to divorce her and send her back, whereupon she can support her family there full-time. Having experienced one awful marriage because of disagreements about money, I fear that you face a lifetime of around-the-clock misery unless the situation is changed or ended.

Edited January 13, 2010 by TBoneTX

[britbird 4]

Having to resort to threats in any relationship is troubling, and seems indicative of bigger issues.

And, you don't need a joint bank account for the AOS - it's just one thing that can help. You can also set up joint bank accounts to require joint signatures on certain transactions - wire transfers being one of them.

[Gilles 4]

Agreed with this, and I strongly fear that you're in for it if & when she achieves access to your "family" financial accounts. Do you want to come home one day to learn that checks have bounced because she has wired copious amounts of money to the Philippines? Alternatively, do you want to have to log in to your bank accounts several times a day to make sure that she hasn't siphoned money? Remember that she may do this [1] if you have any argument of any sort, and [2] whenever she feels that the amount that you have sent is "insufficient" or "tardy." Remember that you need "joint" bank accounts for AOS.

There either needs to be a serious "come to Jesus" meeting, or you need to divorce her and send her back, whereupon she can support her family there full-time. Having experienced one awful marriage because of disagreements about money, I fear that you face a lifetime of around-the-clock misery unless the situation is changed or ended.

I've already established that there won't be joint bank accounts and there won't be until she shows she can be fiscally responsible. She got her AOS without joint accounts of any type.

Having to resort to threats in any relationship is troubling, and seems indicative of bigger issues.

And, you don't need a joint bank account for the AOS - it's just one thing that can help. You can also set up joint bank accounts to require joint signatures on certain transactions - wire transfers being one of them.

Are you suggesting it's better to merely act without the preceding thread as opposed to offering a threat/promise and then acting?

[britbird 4]

"Are you suggesting it's better to merely act without the preceding thread as opposed to offering a threat/promise and then acting?"

My comment was a general one. In all relationships the best situation (actually, I would think the normal situation) is that the two people make decisions as partners, and are open and honest with each other.

If something your partner is doing is causing you to be upset or aggrieved, and it's reasonable to ask them to stop (and this is all quite subjective), and they persist, then threatening in a 'if you do X then I'll do Y' tends to escalate issues rather than solve them. You want the person to stop what they are doing because they understand and accept that what they are doing is having a negative impact on your relationship, not because they are scared of the consequences.

And so my point, I guess, is that you need to remedy the underlying miscommunication or misunderstanding issues you may have. If you two don't gell as a team then you should work together to fix that problem. Threats and unilateral acts, unless you are in a dire state, are generally not helpful. If you've already moved beyond that and you are unable to successfully communicate about things that lay at the foundation of a relationship, then maybe you need to consider whether this is the relationship for you.

[F & J 21]

My husband (he's the US Citizen) and I talked about this even before getting married. My family is a bit proud and would not accept money from us. In fact, they're the ones who sent us money for our wedding and as gifts. LOL. My husband is the one who wants to send them money - but only to show his gratitude and appreciation (they have all been so supportive throughout our whole relationship). My dad has his own design firm and does pretty well so they don't need financial support from us and they understand that even though my husband may earn more, bills are also bigger here in the U.S. My husband and I handle bills together - I get them ready for mailing every month, balance our checkbooks and monitor our bank accounts regularly. I also set aside some savings so I could have spending money here in the U.S. while I'm waiting for my AOS to get approved and don't have a job yet. He gives me money from time to time but I probably won't use it unless it's an emergency. I don't really need it because he gives me everything I need but I really appreciate the gesture. It shows me that he trusts me and means it when he says that he wants his money to be my money. There is no way I would ever abuse that trust.

I'm sorry, it makes me so angry when I hear about stuff like that. It gives Filipinas a bad name! I, for one, honestly never dreamed of getting married to a foreigner and living in the United States. My husband knows that and now just laughs when he remembers how people used to say that I might be marrying him just to get a green card. What they keep forgetting is that HE found me, not the other way around. He had to court and woo me - prove that he was the man he said he was. I had a whole life in the Philippines, my family and friends, pursuing a 2nd degree that I loved... I left all that for him because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. What would I do with a green card if I didn't have him?! It's just something that allows me to stay here with him in the U.S. Now we are doing so well, happily married that people just feel ashamed. My husband is also thinking of retiring in the Philippines when we're in our late 40s or 50s.

I'm really sorry but it appears that your wife is using you... Maybe she doesn't fully understand your financial situation - try to explain as best as you can and put your foot down if she throws a fit!

Edited January 13, 2010 by Fatima and Jim

[Tahoma 2,291]

Another thing I'd like to add is sometimes my wife engages in behavior that is unacceptable. I'd prefer to not go into details, but it's things that I ask her to stop, but she continues doing. What can others say about the effectiveness of threatening to cut off financial support to her family if she doesn't cease to engage in unacceptable behavior?

What reason did your wife give you when you asked her why she would not stop her unacceptable behavior?

[NutMagnet 2]

Another thing I'd like to add is sometimes my wife engages in behavior that is unacceptable. I'd prefer to not go into details, but it's things that I ask her to stop, but she continues doing. What can others say about the effectiveness of threatening to cut off financial support to her family if she doesn't cease to engage in unacceptable behavior?

Like punishment?

Idle threats show weakness, actions are effective. Whatever money you save by not feeding the bears will cost you 2X fixing the damages caused by a new level of unacceptable behaviour.

Some things just don't work out, and this show is over. Cut your losses and don't do it again.

Edited January 17, 2010 by NutMagnet

[music678 0]

I am so sorry to hear about your story.

In my case, before we got married, we had a talk about everything from how many kids we want, how we are going to raise them, rules in the house and especially financial situation. We both agree to send money to my parents (I'm Filipina) but with just the specified amount every month. My parents never ask for money from me, it is just voluntary that I want to share what I earn here in exchange on their struggles to give me a life I deserve. I can't be with them physically (I'm the youngest) but I feel happy when I share what I have. I was working then but when I lost my job, my husband thought that we still have to send money to my family but I said just when I will have a job again. I have the password on our account, so I know our cashflows. I don't want us to be in debt coz I know it will affect on our whole family.

If your wife, won't change, you need to think about your marriage. You will be in financial trouble if you give in in what she wants. Don't believe if she bribes you, let her go. It means that she just marry you because of money. You are husband and wife, so you are ONE. Your wife needs to COMPROMISE. You already told her you financial situation, and if she doesn't agree with you, so be it. It sounds like you love your wife but you can't give her what she wants and it's not your problem anymore. She needs to work if she wants to send money to her family. And also, she needs to work on her behavior.

We hope the best for you.

More of the former, as I am willing to send something.

My wife isn't willing to do what is required to get a job and has given up on the idea of going to work. She has threatened to leave, but adds if I send her family the amount she wants to send (which will put a strain on our budget), she won't leave. I feel if I give in, she'll get the idea that I can be manipulated to give her what she wants through threats or bribery. So it's important that I put a stop to this now.

We've already gone through the AOS process and she has her 2 year green card. She doesn't have more than $400 to her name and she's said she doesn't want to burden her friends. She doesn't even have her drivers license (only has a learning permit) and has threatened to drive one of our cars around. What can I or should I do?

If I give in, then I'm only contributing to making her more of a disgrace to the Philippine culture.

[Gilles 4]

What reason did your wife give you when you asked her why she would not stop her unacceptable behavior?

Good question. She either doesn't respond, complains or does something else unacceptable. I am considering contacting her family, as I've heard from some that the last thing a Filipina wants is for her family back home to know she's engaging in unacceptable behavior.

[Gilles 4]

Like punishment?

Idle threats show weakness, actions are effective. Whatever money you save by not feeding the bears will cost you 2X fixing the damages caused by a new level of unacceptable behaviour.

Some things just don't work out, and this show is over. Cut your losses and don't do it again.

I'm a little confused. I'm not making idle threats. I'm taking action. But she insists on retaliating - to which all I can do is either withhold or take other action. We agreed we want to have children, and agreed it would be a good idea for her to get some work experience before we start a family - but she's done practically nothing (despite lots of help from me) to find work.

[Gilles 4]

"Are you suggesting it's better to merely act without the preceding thread as opposed to offering a threat/promise and then acting?"

My comment was a general one. In all relationships the best situation (actually, I would think the normal situation) is that the two people make decisions as partners, and are open and honest with each other.

If something your partner is doing is causing you to be upset or aggrieved, and it's reasonable to ask them to stop (and this is all quite subjective), and they persist, then threatening in a 'if you do X then I'll do Y' tends to escalate issues rather than solve them. You want the person to stop what they are doing because they understand and accept that what they are doing is having a negative impact on your relationship, not because they are scared of the consequences.

I've gotten a mixed bag of responses here. Some say administering consequences works and others say it's best to "walk on eggshells" - essentially giving her what she wants to keep her behavior in line. But what if what she asks for to keep her behavior in line is way too unreasonable? e.g. She engages in unacceptable behavior, you ask her to stop, she gets angry with you for asking her to stop, so the next time, you just give her more spending money or send more money to her family. IMO, that will escalate the problem until you're broke. Some have said threatening to cut off support to her family or reducing the amount of discretionary cash I give her should fix the problem.

I've tried to have heart to heart discussions with her, but it becomes one-sided, thus accomplishing nothing. Then what is the best course of action if she refuses to accept her actions are having a negative impact on the relationship, she doesn't care about the consequences or she doesn't listen when I try to have a two way discussion about the issue?