Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[Gilles 4]

Well, if you won't put her on a plane back to the PH then tell her you want a divorce and she needs to move out of YOUR house ASAP so you can rent to a room mate (or two depending on the size of the house) as you have been financially ruined as a result of being married to a selfish child.

Seriously, if you won't stand-up for yourself then you deserve to be treated however she pleases.

Before taking things to such an extreme measure, perhaps I should ask how do you and others in here deal with your spouse if she makes unreasonable financial demands of you and/or doesn't contribute a reasonable portion of her income to the household expenses?

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Before taking things to such an extreme measure, perhaps I should ask how do you and others in here deal with your spouse if she makes unreasonable financial demands of you and/or doesn't contribute a reasonable portion of her income to the household expenses?

My Asawa respects me and appreciates how well I provide for our family. She shares my priorities (Our household including the 3 kids first, then extended family both in the US or PH). She is the one tasked with managing our money and has done a fine job of it, in fact we are currently in the process of moving into a house almost twice the size of the old one due in part to her handling of our money.

She doesn't work yet as our son requires a lot of care having been born severely hard of hearing. She will be starting her education towards Nursing this fall when he enters full day preschool for Deaf or Hard of Hearing.

We send her mother between $50 - $100 per month as we can afford it. We plan to send 2 - 3 BB Boxes per year, the expense comes out of the household budget.

When she is able to work then she will contribute towards the household bills at a rate commiserate to how her income compares to mine. Until such a time my income covers all expenses and we both draw a monthly allowance for personal "fun" spending.

You have received a lot of great advice in this thread already but seem unable to act on any of it. I'm not trying to be harsh or anything but seriously if the marriage is causing you this much trouble then it is broken and you've got nothing to lose by walking away if she doesn't care enough about you to be more respectful and considerate. She's treating you like the Gravy Train that her family will ride for many years to come. At this point it's your fault for letting her do it.

[Nina~ 431]

Before taking things to such an extreme measure, perhaps I should ask how do you and others in here deal with your spouse if she makes unreasonable financial demands of you and/or doesn't contribute a reasonable portion of her income to the household expenses?

When I want to make a big purchase and we cant afford it, my husband would smile at me and say "You know we can't afford it, but if this what you really want then go for it" and that is enough for me to not want it anymore. And I tell my husband the same thing when he wants to make a big purchase and we do not have enough cash for it. But the only reason this works for us is because we have a joint account where both our salaries go to and have completely combined our finances so that we both are aware of how much money comes in every month, and how much money goes where. We do not have secret accounts of money stashes and are completely open about our finances. We also dont believe in the concept of his-money and my-money.

We have short-term & long-term financial goals that we both have agreed on and actively strive towards. I know a couple who sit down together at the begining of every year and write down their goals for the year (like save $XXX.XX this year, buy a house, pay off student loan, etc) and laminate it and post it on their fridge. Maybe this is something that can help you guys.

Money is not worth fighting over, but at the same time you can not allow her to drag you into financial ruin. You really do seem to be in a tough situation.

[Gilles 4]

My Asawa respects me and appreciates how well I provide for our family. She shares my priorities (Our household including the 3 kids first, then extended family both in the US or PH). She is the one tasked with managing our money and has done a fine job of it, in fact we are currently in the process of moving into a house almost twice the size of the old one due in part to her handling of our money.

She doesn't work yet as our son requires a lot of care having been born severely hard of hearing. She will be starting her education towards Nursing this fall when he enters full day preschool for Deaf or Hard of Hearing.

We send her mother between $50 - $100 per month as we can afford it. We plan to send 2 - 3 BB Boxes per year, the expense comes out of the household budget.

When she is able to work then she will contribute towards the household bills at a rate commiserate to how her income compares to mine. Until such a time my income covers all expenses and we both draw a monthly allowance for personal "fun" spending.

I am in complete agreement with you that the household bills should be paid commiserate to how her income compares to mine. I have suggested that we get a joint third account for paying household bills and draw out equal amounts for "fun" spending or discretionary cash. But she has rejected that. I am thinking of spelling out a plan & presenting it to my wife that is similar to yours. I gather the $50 to $100 per month that goes to her family comes not from your wife's "fun" money, but from the household budget before the fun money is taken out.

You have received a lot of great advice in this thread already but seem unable to act on any of it. I'm not trying to be harsh or anything but seriously if the marriage is causing you this much trouble then it is broken and you've got nothing to lose by walking away if she doesn't care enough about you to be more respectful and considerate. She's treating you like the Gravy Train that her family will ride for many years to come. At this point it's your fault for letting her do it.

This is a long thread and I'm sure there has been some good advice. I've tried to be tough with her, but when I do that, she just makes things difficult around the house or "ruins" any outing we go on that is meant to be for fun.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I am in complete agreement with you that the household bills should be paid commiserate to how her income compares to mine. I have suggested that we get a joint third account for paying household bills and draw out equal amounts for "fun" spending or discretionary cash. But she has rejected that. I am thinking of spelling out a plan & presenting it to my wife that is similar to yours. I gather the $50 to $100 per month that goes to her family comes not from your wife's "fun" money, but from the household budget before the fun money is taken out.

You are correct, both money sent to family in the PH and the BB Boxes are from the household budget.

I would suggest you get her to read this thread, it contains great input not only from Kano husbands but also from a lot of Pinay wives.

This is a long thread and I'm sure there has been some good advice. I've tried to be tough with her, but when I do that, she just makes things difficult around the house or "ruins" any outing we go on that is meant to be for fun.

Then maybe next time you have an outing without her if she throws a fit.

She is acting like a spoiled child and will continue to do so until it cost is greater than the benefit. My children never threw a fit in a restaurant because they knew that I would respond by simply paying the bill and leaving. If you want her behavior to change you need to make a decision and stick to it. Let her know just how far you are willing to go in the reverse direction and then don't expect things to change overnight. It might take her missing several fun outings or not getting gifts from you for several months before she realizes that you are serious. Honestly it might take more than that, like her moving out, for her to understand that you are serious.

If she loves you then she will give-up the childish behaviors. If she won't then she never really was what you thought.

[Gilles 4]

You are correct, both money sent to family in the PH and the BB Boxes are from the household budget.

I would suggest you get her to read this thread, it contains great input not only from Kano husbands but also from a lot of Pinay wives.

Then maybe next time you have an outing without her if she throws a fit.

She is acting like a spoiled child and will continue to do so until it cost is greater than the benefit. My children never threw a fit in a restaurant because they knew that I would respond by simply paying the bill and leaving. If you want her behavior to change you need to make a decision and stick to it. Let her know just how far you are willing to go in the reverse direction and then don't expect things to change overnight. It might take her missing several fun outings or not getting gifts from you for several months before she realizes that you are serious. Honestly it might take more than that, like her moving out, for her to understand that you are serious.

If she loves you then she will give-up the childish behaviors. If she won't then she never really was what you thought.

I have some expenses (which I'm still paying on a monthly basis) that pre-date my marriage with my wife that don't really provide any benefit to her. Would it be reasonable in a budget arrangement for me to consider this part of my "fun" money? Or would it make more sense - not to mention fair - to simply drop these amounts off my income when figuring out the ratio of my income to her income?

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I have some expenses (which I'm still paying on a monthly basis) that pre-date my marriage with my wife that don't really provide any benefit to her. Would it be reasonable in a budget arrangement for me to consider this part of my "fun" money? Or would it make more sense - not to mention fair - to simply drop these amounts off my income when figuring out the ratio of my income to her income?

I would say that it benefits her in that it effects you (just like the money sent yo her family does in reverse).

If she wants to pay for her "family expenses from her fun money then pay that from yours.

[Gilles 4]

I'm sorry to hear about that. Your wife has to realize that you are her husband and not her workhorse. If she wants to give more money to her family, then she must work for it. I also understand that you also want to win your wife's good side and not call you "stingy" but then again, you must choose to be firm on your stand and tell her that she has to take care of you guys FIRST so you can take care of the rest of her family later. Don't budge.

My husband and I have spoken about finances a few months after he left for the US. I was aware of some of his business probs and even suggested to him that I would help us by getting a job once i get to be in the US. I was surprised to hear that he wouldn't let me work! Well, he wanted me to work with him in his business (which was great) but I was thinking of another source of income aside from his company's. That way we have two sources of income in case something happens to the other. I guess for him, it was more of paranoia-- he knew that "other guys" would be there when I work outside--but I assured him of my faithfulness to him :-) But this is another story!

Eventually, he changed his mind and allowed me to get work outside when I get to the US... :-)

I hope your wife starts to realize that she has to work her butt off too, not just yours.

Since my wife is now working, I am reviewing some of the old posts in this thread. While it is very easy for me to not budge, I am at a complete loss as to how to get her to contribute a reasonable portion of her income to where it is most appropriately needed - that being to our household expenses and to save for our future. She isn't open to the idea of a joint bank account and when I attempt to get her to pick up the tab in certain areas, has made threats such as saying she will starve herself if I don't buy the groceries.

The ironic thing is she is repeatedly calling me cheap, yet she is the one who is being cheap.

Edited June 29, 2010 by Gilles

[TBoneTX 43,250]

wife is now working [...] She isn't open [...] has made threats [...] she will starve herself [...] she is repeatedly calling me cheap, yet she is the one who is being cheap.

Amigo, this is like a very bad Groundhog Day (movie) for 14 pages over several months. The best recent (and, incidentally) recurring advice that you have received came from Bob 4 Anna very recently:

Well, if you won't put her on a plane back to the PH then tell her you want a divorce and she needs to move out of YOUR house ASAP so you can rent to a room mate (or two depending on the size of the house) as you have been financially ruined as a result of being married to a selfish child.

Seriously, if you won't stand-up for yourself then you deserve to be treated however she pleases.

Read and heed, or continue to live in misery, kowtowing to a spoiled brat (a stronger, 5-letter "B" word applies more accurately) for the rest of your miserable, pu$$y-whipped days. Those of us who had similar relationships once upon a time still exult in the freedom and self-respect that washed over us as soon as we finally and rightfully dumped the brat (b****) and could hold our heads up again.

[Laveau 67]

Amigo, this is like a very bad Groundhog Day (movie) for 14 pages over several months. The best recent (and, incidentally) recurring advice that you have received came from Bob 4 Anna very recently:Read and heed, or continue to live in misery, kowtowing to a spoiled brat (a stronger, 5-letter "B" word applies more accurately) for the rest of your miserable, pu$$y-whipped days. Those of us who had similar relationships once upon a time still exult in the freedom and self-respect that washed over us as soon as we finally and rightfully dumped the brat (b****) and could hold our heads up again.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Since my wife is now working, I am reviewing some of the old posts in this thread. While it is very easy for me to not budge, I am at a complete loss as to how to get her to contribute a reasonable portion of her income to where it is most appropriately needed - that being to our household expenses and to save for our future. She isn't open to the idea of a joint bank account and when I attempt to get her to pick up the tab in certain areas, has made threats such as saying she will starve herself if I don't buy the groceries.

The ironic thing is she is repeatedly calling me cheap, yet she is the one who is being cheap.

Trust me, she won't starve herself. This is a prime example of her making childish threats because she doesn't believe you'll stick to your guns. You'll have to endure a few "staring contests" before this behavior stops and she takes you seriously.

Stop buying groceries now. When she gets hungry she'll buy groceries.

If she isn't pay her vehicle expenses, remove the plates from her car and stash them someplace out of the home. Tell her that when she makes her insurance payment then you'll return the plates.

If you give in then she'll never listen. She'll scream about how you're keeping her from working but in fact she's the one choosing to not pay for her car insurance. If at any point in the future she hasn't given you the money for her car insurance then you might need to remove the plates again but I'd bet her response will be to give you the money quickly.

Bottom line that she's bluffing and as long as she believes you won't call her bluff then she'll be able to manipulate you like she does.

Like I said before, she's acting like a spoiled child so she should be treated like a spoiled child.

Just remember to remind her how much you love her and that once she wants to act like an adult & your partner in life then you will start treating her accordingly.

Until you do this she has no reason to even want to change her behavior.

[Summer75 16]

I´m sorry your situation, but u need to put your belt on.

I come from Bolivia which is a "poor country". As the oldest sister of 7, I have big responsabilities in my back, and things got worse when my dad got sick with diabetes over 10 years ago, and my mom also has some healthy problems, and about 2 years ago my little loved youngest sister (13 years old) also got Young Diabetis. And no insurance in my country, u need to pay before getting any medical attention.

I have been always a very hard worker girl, I had to quit my career at the University, because of the money, I moved t Europe to work, thank God I did it good. I brought my 2 next brothers with me and between us things got better for my family. My parents work very hard too, VERY, but money is never enough if u have sick family members . Now with my brothers we were able to built a very nice apartment in the home front, and it is rented so they can have some income every month. I worked my butt off when I was back in Europe, single and no kids, my only expenses besides very expensive life there was my family, my number one priority. Now I living in the USA since 2 months ago and my family understands I can´t send them money anymore, but maybe for an emergency. I got a job 10 days ago and of course I will help my husband to pay the bills, which are A LOT. Now my husband, my home here is my priority and the family we want to raise in the future.

My husband sallary is not that high, I didn´t like to sit at home all day waiting for my SSN and the GC. Lucky me I only had one interview and they hired me.

We have talked about it and we agree we will send money if there is AN EMERGENCY, and if we can afford it! I think it is a good deal. Maybe some gifts or some money for Christmas, maybe some mom´s or dad´s day but not as much as I used to send when I was single.

How old is your wife? Did u talk about having kids and how EXPENSIVE is raising children here???

Hope things to work out for u

Edited June 29, 2010 by karinapogue

[Gilles 4]

Amigo, this is like a very bad Groundhog Day (movie) for 14 pages over several months. The best recent (and, incidentally) recurring advice that you have received came from Bob 4 Anna very recently:Read and heed, or continue to live in misery, kowtowing to a spoiled brat (a stronger, 5-letter "B" word applies more accurately) for the rest of your miserable, pu$$y-whipped days. Those of us who had similar relationships once upon a time still exult in the freedom and self-respect that washed over us as soon as we finally and rightfully dumped the brat (b****) and could hold our heads up again.

If I didn't love my wife or our marriage was only for immigration purposes, then what you're advising would be a no-brainer. I am naturally an easy going guy and am always eager to please, so as it is not part of my inherent nature to say "no" or to be tough on others, I am here to seek ideas of how to get this to work by being firm and not budging. As she is working part time (20-25 hrs per week) now and will be soon working full time, the parameters have changed and this is a new situation from what it was when I started the thread in December. Perhaps it deserves a different thread, as we're no longer talking about her unwillingness to work along with her demands for unreasonable amounts of money to be sent to her family. We're now talking about her unwillingness to contribute her income to the household budget.

I've tried the nice approach and that hasn't worked, so I've taken a stance of buying absolutely nothing when it comes to household supplies/groceries. And if she asks me to pick something up, I ask her to provide me with money. I am no longer budging.

It's clear to me she's toying with me to see if she can get away with this, but I am at the point where I can put aside my inherent nature to always be nice and giving (when it comes to money or goods). But I can't yet figure out how to get her to contribute her portion of her income to the budget.

[DanielParul 50]

Before taking things to such an extreme measure, perhaps I should ask how do you and others in here deal with your spouse if she makes unreasonable financial demands of you and/or doesn't contribute a reasonable portion of her income to the household expenses?

Most successful relationships you see here on VJ are based on mutual love and respect. Hubby and I have not had to deal with unreasonable financial demands except once from our 15 month old son (did not give in coz it was unreasonable). I earned more than what Daniel made when I moved here and knew that I will not be working for some time. We just had to change our lifestyle (both of us) to live within our budget. It was a little hard for me a couple of times to not have the kind of money I was used to but I am not a child and understand how hard Daniel works to keep us happy. I would any day give up anything for him than to put pressure on him for sometihng I can't get for myself. If she does not understand the concept of marriage and equal partnership there is very little you can do except treat her like we treat our 15 month old for unreasonable demands but is that really a marriage for life?

[DanielParul 50]

If I didn't love my wife or our marriage was only for immigration purposes, then what you're advising would be a no-brainer. I am naturally an easy going guy and am always eager to please, so as it is not part of my inherent nature to say "no" or to be tough on others, I am here to seek ideas of how to get this to work by being firm and not budging. As she is working part time (20-25 hrs per week) now and will be soon working full time, the parameters have changed and this is a new situation from what it was when I started the thread in December. Perhaps it deserves a different thread, as we're no longer talking about her unwillingness to work along with her demands for unreasonable amounts of money to be sent to her family. We're now talking about her unwillingness to contribute her income to the household budget.

I've tried the nice approach and that hasn't worked, so I've taken a stance of buying absolutely nothing when it comes to household supplies/groceries. And if she asks me to pick something up, I ask her to provide me with money. I am no longer budging.

It's clear to me she's toying with me to see if she can get away with this, but I am at the point where I can put aside my inherent nature to always be nice and giving (when it comes to money or goods). But I can't yet figure out how to get her to contribute her portion of her income to the budget.

We all live the life we create for ourselves. Unless both of you see what you are creating there is nothing anybody can say to improve your life. You see that the picture is wrong but your wife doesn't. Unfortunately, keeping her from having things will not change what she believes.