Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[New Beginnings 32]

I kind of see this whole situation how I see tipping. I'm not here to be someone's income, but I'm willing to pay a little extra.

What I mean is that my life is very fortunate (all things considered) and if I can help someone out, I am happy to. That means donating to charities as well as sending a little extra for fun things to my mother in law. However, I don't leave my family out, I've been paying for my parents cellphones for a decade... not because they need me to, but I like to help out in whatever way I can. If this started to impact our ability to pay bills.. both would stop.

Telling me that I *have* to send money somewhere wouldn't float. And if this woman is so family centric and has such good values and is such a good wife (the reason given by so many men about why they look to this country for potential mates) then they should be even *more* understanding that this is her family now. She should be focused on growing and nurturing this relationship, not getting upset that she can't send home what you can't afford.

Sounds like she needs to be put on an allowance, she can determine what she wants to do with the money you can afford but above and beyond that it's time for her to start contributing.

[FortLaudy 10]

I kind of see this whole situation how I see tipping. I'm not here to be someone's income, but I'm willing to pay a little extra.

What I mean is that my life is very fortunate (all things considered) and if I can help someone out, I am happy to. That means donating to charities as well as sending a little extra for fun things to my mother in law. However, I don't leave my family out, I've been paying for my parents cellphones for a decade... not because they need me to, but I like to help out in whatever way I can. If this started to impact our ability to pay bills.. both would stop.

Telling me that I *have* to send money somewhere wouldn't float. And if this woman is so family centric and has such good values and is such a good wife (the reason given by so many men about why they look to this country for potential mates) then they should be even *more* understanding that this is her family now. She should be focused on growing and nurturing this relationship, not getting upset that she can't send home what you can't afford.

Sounds like she needs to be put on an allowance, she can determine what she wants to do with the money you can afford but above and beyond that it's time for her to start contributing.

Charity should start AT HOME, if someone in my family needs some money, I'd give it to them instead of some bum on the street, also Up to a point, if I feel I'm being used (my little brother tried) I cut off the charity, simple.

Sorry for going a little off topic earlier, but to the OP: Do not send any more money. They will make do without what you were sending, and if she leaves you, so be it... then it's good riddance !

[TBoneTX 43,061]

I haven't reviewed the several pages of this thread in order to recall whether this has been discussed, but: If the OP and his wife do not reach a firm, quality agreement about this money issue as a priority, there may always remain a latent risk or acute danger that the wife -- once she has access to the family (husband/wife) bank accounts and investment instruments -- would siphon funds from these to send to the in-laws. In fact, this would seem to be a risk even if there were a firm, quality agreement.

After I responded to this thread last night, I went straight to my wife and told her how glad I was to be married to her, and not to someone like this Filipina. She listened to the story and said, "Everyone has to be responsible for themselves."

An old saying is "A son is a son till he takes him a wife; a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life." Poppycock. If you're married, you cleave to and cooperate with your spouse, first and above all. If I were married to someone who had the attitude that I was obligated to be a gravy train for her family at the expense of our OWN well-being, I'd follow TracyTN's advice and head for the nearest marriage-exit -- but not before reading the riot act and kicking some greedy, selfish hindquarters back to the Philippines or wherever they came from.

[Mitchamy 0]

####### do you have against Asian women marrying White Guys?

Where in my post did I say she had to ask for anything?

I said she asked and I replied to get a large multi pack, there is a big difference.

Why do you want to make it sound like she's subserviant to me? I think most people would have understood (especially in the context of a thread on sending money to support the filipino wife's family) that the point was my filipino wife makes no such demands of me and in fact asks before spending money on the family back home.

Of course my wife has equal access to our joint account just as she has since before we were married.

Again I'll ask why all of the hate towards Fil-Am relationships?

I have a decent job but i still ask my husband if i can buy this or that out of respect and he do the same...

[DainandVicky 4]

To the OP, this is a burning question I have about American men going to Asia to find wives...

Why not find someone here that's at an equal economic level as you? Has the same or better level of education, work experience, work ethic, budget sense etc... why marry "down" instead of the norm "up"? Why marry someone who is from a family that needs financial support or are poor and sees you as their meal ticket??

Is this an "arrangement" that is often made beforehand in the K1 process? I just don't get this whole situation and trying to understand it... As far as I'm concerned, two people meet and in the process of falling in or out of love they they size each other up as marriage material, taking into account things such as age, looks (for the sake of future offspring and sexual attraction), family background, financial situation, education level etc.

Is it true when marrying certain poor foreign women that, she agrees to do something for you - provide unlimited sex, housekeeping duties etc. in exchange for you sending money to her family back home?

Why weren't you able to find someone at home, in the U.S., that made more money than you and had a better education than you and was better looking than you and sunshine shot out of their #### on a daily basis? Why are you on this forum in the first place? What a hypocritical and falsely judgemental posting!

Please don't cast wide dispersions on the entire race, you see all the filipino WIVES on here saying this guy is getting screwed, DON'T YOU?

My fiancee worked abroad for 5-6 years, yes she sent money back home. Now that she's home, her family is helping her with all her expenses for this journey (and her daily living expenses). She paid her own police clearances, visa fee, medical exam fee, and is offering to pay for the flight (I told her I will pay for half of the flight). She hasn't had work in 6 months, and it's certainly not for a lack of trying. The unemployment rate when I was there was in the 30 percentile range.

This is a poor country, and yes Asian countries in general have a deeper sense of family than we do as Americans. They don't just shut their parents away in a nursing home and forget about them as soon as the going gets a bit rough.

Isn't it at all possible to fall in love with someone, not because they are rich? Are you really so shallow? Do you really believe they are coming here to be sex and housework slaves for a couple hundred bucks a month instead of going overseas and working for thousands a month?

If you ever WENT there, maybe you'd know, their country suffered a lot of financial setbacks during the Marcos' administration but it's a slowly burgeoning economy. The people there are kindness second to none, and will open their home and give you a wonderful meal even if it takes their last few pesos to do so.

Please, take your narrow-mindedness to a different forum.

[DainandVicky 4]

How long did you know her before you got married? This whole thing is completely absurd... did you agree to this "sending money to her family" before you got married??

Did you know about this aspect of their culture and what you were getting yourself into? Is she much younger than you?

What kind of a stupid arrangement is this and what in return did she offer to do for you for this "money being sent to her family" ?? Well now at least you know where her priorities lie... she came over because she's the familie's cash cow, and you're her ATM... it's the price you pay when you marry a young girl from a poor family... sad to say but sounds to me like some sort of form of prostitution... I don't get why guys/girls do this... marry someone in your league for pete's sake, then these types of ridiculous situations will not occur...

Oh, really, like there's not gold-digger American women who are 20 dating older men?

And there's not men here in the states who will choose to put up with it?

Why are you making this a cultural issue unique to Asia or the Philippines in particular?

Why are you rashly assuming the young woman involved is younger than the OP.

WORK OUT YOUR ISSUES before you make yourself sound more like an idiot.

[DainandVicky 4]

While I don't think she married me strictly for money to be sent to her family, I do think she ruled out most potential mates because they wouldn't have been able to send money to her family.

This sentence right here made me no longer feel sorry for you, which I did until that time.

You made your bed, now lie in it.

Or take off the panties and tell her to get a job.

[john & jean 37]

While I don't think she married me strictly for money to be sent to her family, I do think she ruled out most potential mates because they wouldn't have been able to send money to her family.

This sentence right here made me no longer feel sorry for you, which I did until that time.

You made your bed, now lie in it.

Or take off the panties and tell her to get a job.

hahahaha, now go away we do not won't your attitude here. GOOD POST DAINANDVICKY!!!!!!!!!!!

[TBoneTX 43,061]

WORK OUT YOUR ISSUES before you make yourself sound more like an idiot.

1. Bravo, si man.

2. She's probably a lost cause. Some people have their noses so high in the air that if they walked outside in the rain, they'd drown.

3. It's 99.44% certain that she has us all on "ignore."

This sentence right here made me no longer feel sorry for you, which I did until that time. You made your bed, now lie in it. Or take off the panties and tell her to get a job.

Bravo, si man. Edited January 8, 2010 by TBoneTX

[Marzy 1]

I/we send money to Philippines as a gift (package is expensive). My family is not wealthy but they can survived in their own without my husband assistance. They survived without me. I survived with their supplies. I love the fresh fish, vegetables, and fruits they served to me. When my bones are strong, I stabbed them back. If I can hand some money to strangers here in America(where the opportunity is rich) stood in the corner holding the cardboard-Hungry-Homeless, why I can't do it for my family if I'm willing to do it? If I add everything I handed to unfortunate here, I gave more to them than to my family. My husband didn't know what I did. However, in the Philippines, our social welfare can't afford dirt poor Filipinos unlike in America.

I think, it's painful to hand your money to strangers against your will but is not if it's from your heart. Go get some walk.. It helps to relief stress.

Edited January 8, 2010 by Fresgal

[Marzy 1]

Seriously?? If she's threatening to leave over money then it's clear what she married you for. Sorry dude but you got taken for a ride. I hope you do the right thing because this is no way to live

Really? If she is threatening you, dump her azz before it's too late.

[DainandVicky 4]

I/we send money to Philippines as a gift (package is expensive). My family is not wealthy but they can survived in their own without my husband assistance. They survived without me. I survived with their supplies. I love the fresh fish, vegetables, and fruits they served to me. When my bones are strong, I stabbed them back. If I can hand some money to strangers here in America(where the opportunity is rich) stood in the corner holding the cardboard-Hungry-Homeless, why I can't do it for my family if I'm willing to do it? If I add everything I handed to unfortunate here, I gave more to them than to my family. My husband didn't know what I did. However, in the Philippines, our social welfare can't afford dirt poor Filipinos unlike in America.

I think, it's painful to hand your money to strangers against your will but is not if it's from your heart. Go get some walk.. It helps to relief stress.

There is nothing wrong with helping out your family. My brother makes pretty good money, but has an autistic child and child support from another earlier relationship. We're on a family plan cell phone plan together and there's several months he's late or no payment at all. He makes the same amount of money that I do or even slightly more. But I don't have the expenses of children (especially a developmentally disabled child), and I'm fine with it. I know he pays when he can and there's several times he's paid me 2-3 months back at a time. I've told him at times I need the money for this or that and he pays what he can. There's a lot of times in my younger years I had to ask my parents and family for help with rent or bills, especially when I was a student, even though I was working full time and going to school full time (but only making a very small wage). That's what families DO.

Vicky and I have discussed this, long ago. Her Mom is getting older and has had some previous health issues that her and her siblings have all chipped in and helped her out. She's doing better now or pretty well now, but age is age. I told her she's (Vicky is) free to work and send some help when/ if she wants (she's very good with money anyway, we're both a little older and experienced and she lived on her own for several years in UAE and knows how to budget and save), and if we have a newborn and it's time for her to stay home with the baby, I will try to help when we can, but they will have to understand we will have expenses with a new baby and a recent marriage and we will also be feeling the pinch of money I'm sure at that time.

The thing about the Phils is everything is fairly cheap there. Sending a small amount of our budget will make a significant difference to their budget, and therefore their quality of life.

There's nothing wrong with helping your family achieve a better quality of life, but I agree with other posters, too much and they won't work for themselves and grow dependant on you. It's one thing to help, it's another thing to enable. If they stop working and start demanding more and more things that aren't really critical needs, that's too much.

There IS something wrong with what this guy's wife is doing, basically making their life miserable to extort more and more money from him.

I dated a filipina who was divorced and here in the US, had a greencard from her former marriage. She was a gold-digger. She played this same ####### on me, about how I'm too selfish and greedy. But with her, she worked but all her money went to a coach purse, Dolce and Gabana shades, Abercrombie tops, and then if there's an emergency back at home I'M a bad guy for not helping out, even though most of my money was going into bills and everyday expenses, and I wasn't WASTING my money like her. But because I had money in the bank and she didn't, I'm a bad person for not helping out. Not once did she ask to BORROW money from me to send. Like most gold-diggers she was a good actress until we lived together. We didn't live together very long at all, and she's no longer a part of my life at all. I wouldn't put up with it.

The thing that I knew is gold-diggers certainly aren't unique to Asia or the Philippines. Ever hear of Anna-Nicole Smith? Ever see these 20 and 25 year old white american women with 55-60 year old (rich) men? The thing I knew is YOU DON'T judge an entire culture based on the actions of a few people.

I learned a lot of the Philippines and the culture even if that one girl was a bad example, and when I met Vicky through a facebook-type site I didn't judge her based on my past experience. The Filipino culture as a whole is very good, very loyal, very friendly, very hard-working, very family-oriented. I really love Vicky and I think she's a great person and I think she's going to make a terrific wife. I'm glad I'm not too closed-minded to dismiss her based on my previous experience.

I was married before to a blonde, blue eyed, US born woman. She cheated on me, and I divorced her. I would be the same if I said then that I never wanted to ever date another white woman, or another American woman, or blonde, or whatever. It's all an unfair generalization based on nothing but prejudice.

There's bad examples of every race, color, and creed. What people like Shani are is racist, these things she's saying are common in asian cultures are also common in european, american, and latin cultures too. There's prostitutes since the beginning of time, some outright, some a little more subtle. But it's certainly not new and certainly not unique to one culture, it happens everywhere. She needs to deal with her own issues (racism and prejudice).

[Marzy 1]

There is nothing wrong with helping out your family. My brother makes pretty good money, but has an autistic child and child support from another earlier relationship. We're on a family plan cell phone plan together and there's several months he's late or no payment at all. He makes the same amount of money that I do or even slightly more. But I don't have the expenses of children (especially a developmentally disabled child), and I'm fine with it. I know he pays when he can and there's several times he's paid me 2-3 months back at a time. I've told him at times I need the money for this or that and he pays what he can. There's a lot of times in my younger years I had to ask my parents and family for help with rent or bills, especially when I was a student, even though I was working full time and going to school full time (but only making a very small wage). That's what families DO.

Vicky and I have discussed this, long ago. Her Mom is getting older and has had some previous health issues that her and her siblings have all chipped in and helped her out. She's doing better now or pretty well now, but age is age. I told her she's (Vicky is) free to work and send some help when/ if she wants (she's very good with money anyway, we're both a little older and experienced and she lived on her own for several years in UAE and knows how to budget and save), and if we have a newborn and it's time for her to stay home with the baby, I will try to help when we can, but they will have to understand we will have expenses with a new baby and a recent marriage and we will also be feeling the pinch of money I'm sure at that time.

The thing about the Phils is everything is fairly cheap there. Sending a small amount of our budget will make a significant difference to their budget, and therefore their quality of life.

There's nothing wrong with helping your family achieve a better quality of life, but I agree with other posters, too much and they won't work for themselves and grow dependant on you. It's one thing to help, it's another thing to enable. If they stop working and start demanding more and more things that aren't really critical needs, that's too much.

There IS something wrong with what this guy's wife is doing, basically making their life miserable to extort more and more money from him.

I dated a filipina who was divorced and here in the US, had a greencard from her former marriage. She was a gold-digger. She played this same ####### on me, about how I'm too selfish and greedy. But with her, she worked but all her money went to a coach purse, Dolce and Gabana shades, Abercrombie tops, and then if there's an emergency back at home I'M a bad guy for not helping out, even though most of my money was going into bills and everyday expenses, and I wasn't WASTING my money like her. But because I had money in the bank and she didn't, I'm a bad person for not helping out. Not once did she ask to BORROW money from me to send. Like most gold-diggers she was a good actress until we lived together. We didn't live together very long at all, and she's no longer a part of my life at all. I wouldn't put up with it.

The thing that I knew is gold-diggers certainly aren't unique to Asia or the Philippines. Ever hear of Anna-Nicole Smith? Ever see these 20 and 25 year old white american women with 55-60 year old (rich) men? The thing I knew is YOU DON'T judge an entire culture based on the actions of a few people.

I learned a lot of the Philippines and the culture even if that one girl was a bad example, and when I met Vicky through a facebook-type site I didn't judge her based on my past experience. The Filipino culture as a whole is very good, very loyal, very friendly, very hard-working, very family-oriented. I really love Vicky and I think she's a great person and I think she's going to make a terrific wife. I'm glad I'm not too closed-minded to dismiss her based on my previous experience.

I was married before to a blonde, blue eyed, US born woman. She cheated on me, and I divorced her. I would be the same if I said then that I never wanted to ever date another white woman, or another American woman, or blonde, or whatever. It's all an unfair generalization based on nothing but prejudice.

There's bad examples of every race, color, and creed. What people like Shani are is racist, these things she's saying are common in asian cultures are also common in european, american, and latin cultures too. There's prostitutes since the beginning of time, some outright, some a little more subtle. But it's certainly not new and certainly not unique to one culture, it happens everywhere. She needs to deal with her own issues (racism and prejudice).

Yes, it is not bad, it's good to help out your family if we want to. Only in Portugal has no prostitute and rich people.

[TBoneTX 43,061]

Another excellent, thoughtful, literate post from Dain, si man. Two comments:

all her money went to a coach purse, Dolce and Gabana shades, Abercrombie tops

Not enough people may realize that such things can be found (frequently in new condition) at Goodwill and other resale/thrift shops. It's a fun game (alone or with spouse) to find such things.

What people like Shani are is racist [...] She needs to deal with her own issues (racism and prejudice).

Fully agreed with first part; low likelihood of second part. She's too supercilious in her moral superiority to heed the likes of us.

[mrsartis 10]

Back in the PI, I send money to my mom, aunt and dad because i was workin and they needed it.. But only when they do..I sent money to my aunt every month because i stayed int heir house when i was studying (paying debts although i know its impossible)... Now i am here, the first months, was adjusting and I told my husband i needed a budget for my self, (clothes, toiletries) but according to the budget of course, and then from my budget, since i was workin yet, i give the half to my mom.. my aunt (not a penny). a few months after, i started workin and gave more money to my, gave my salary to our joint and set up a budget for MOM< ME and HIM.. my aunt is still getting some money but only when she needed it.. =)

Make a budget =) Im pretty sureyou have a room for her family but it has to come from somewhere.. less eating out maybe? lower tier for your phone, internet and phone?

Goodluck!

jomay