Getting her out of vacation mode

[SMR 368]

I've only been casually reading this thread, but I think some people are misinterpreting sarcasm. Or my sarcasm detector is on the fritz again.

Slim, I feel your pain. Just because you worship the ground your wife walks on and try to serve her every request, people think you have a woman-hating complex and accuse you of being sarcastic. What is the world coming to?

[Brad and Vika 129]

I've only been casually reading this thread, but I think some people are misinterpreting sarcasm. Or my sarcasm detector is on the fritz again.

Slim, I feel your pain. Just because you worship the ground your wife walks on and try to serve her every request, people think you have a woman-hating complex and accuse you of being sarcastic. What is the world coming to?

Sarcasm detector is now redlining!

[Darnell 8,478]

Thanks everyone for the comments. I am glad it has stirred the conversation soup.

In answer to a few of the questions. She does volunteer. I suggested different places to volunteer with and she found a place about 2 or 3 weeks after moving here. She has a pretty normal schedule there, although if she doesn't show up, it isn't a crime. She says she enjoys volunteering. She doesn't like doing things without earning a wage. So if she was working in an office setting and didn't earn any money, she would hate it.

She is younger (<40) but comes from a smaller city, not a village. I don't know if that truly impacts things.

Wasn't trying to turn the conversation into the same old, same old of; American women suck, American men are fat.

I have thrown rocks at girls but in my defense, I was 4 and she was 6, and family.

The comment about with holding bedroom privileges was in reply to Slim's comment that it was a two way street and either party could technically do it. It was said in jest. More along of the lines of, would a woman even notice if a guy was with holding bedroom privileges?

One thing I find hysterical is when some people comment and sermonize about you should do this or that and you should never do this or that, when they themselves are not even living with their significant other. Until you have been in the ocean, don't tell me about the waves.

The strategy I've undertaken is I put together a large list of things that need to be done. And I mean it really is a large list of things. >40 things. I didn't say, you do this, I will do that. They were all things we had talked about in passing with no serious weight to the conversation. I made the list right before dinner and she grabbed the list during dinner and read through it. Asking what some of the items are on the list.

Some of the items were clearly going to be done by me, change the oil in the car. Some items could be done by either one of us. She mentioned, you never asked me to do, xyz. Ok, I will play along. I did but maybe I didn't say it like, "do XYZ NOW!!!" Not my style, never will be.

I put the list on the fridge. Friday night she asked me, "what are we going to do this weekend?"

I replied, "I was just thinking about that, I was going over the list in my head, and I think I will do a,b,c,d,e,f, and g."

She was like, "You are going to do all of that this weekend?"

I said, "Yes I am going to do all of that before lunch on Saturday."

"WOW!!!"

I kept my word and started cracking out the items on the list. For the record I finished A-F before lunch and was halfway through G. She got the point and was working on J, K, O, and Q.

So, I think some posters comments on communication were correct. However it wasn't specific enough. We had talked about all of the items on the list, except 1 or 2. The part that was lacking, was I wasn't clarifying what I was expecting from here. I didn't implicitly state I want you to do J, K, O and Q. It would have felt as I was giving her orders, and that isn't constructive to my relationship. I allowed her to come to her own resolve, she could see the list of things that I needed or wanted done. Mind you, many items on the list were things she desired also. And she then say I was completing things and if she helped, then we would have time to do things together.

I don't want my spouse to be my maid. Although I do expect her to contribute 50% of the effort around the house. And in some cases maybe 66% because you have more time than I do.

I'm glad to finally read this - I was revisiting your post today and there seemed to be a lot of thread hijaak and taunting.. YIKES!!!

I'm a fan of volunteering - as it has possibility of making PERSONAL connections for JOBS and WORK, later.

[HannahP 119]

Slim, i think you are either trying to present yourself much worse than you are , or I really fail to understand what was the purpose you married. Just to prove every day of your life that - damn you, but you won't let that woman (your wife) feel loved and taken care of? You were hurt by women once in your life? And want revenge ? Relax..

Oh, slim. So oogle-ish - c'mon ladies, his avatar is probably the only reason you visit this section! - but so flawed.

Even from my very Western marriage/point of view, he's right sometimes. Not just funny. Right. But also funny.

Although I tend to get the impression that his Russian wife can be more confusing, complicated, and demanding than many of us' US wives.

(At least the ugly ones like me.)

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Post containing personal information removed at the OP's request

[Kailey 3]

Sarcasm? I thought sarcasm is a synonim to sth that at least a bit funny.

"Oh, slim. So oogle-ish - c'mon ladies, his avatar is probably the only reason you visit this section!" - that was funny.

[Danno 1,228]

And another thread sidelined into a Slim-love fest.

[SuperDuper! 230]

And another thread sidelined into a Slim-love fest.

Slim is the infallible man that all others aspire to be. His perfect wisdom on relationships silences will enlighten generations to come.

[slim 1,514]

Slim, i think you are either trying to present yourself much worse than you are , or I really fail to understand what was the purpose you married. Just to prove every day of your life that - damn you, but you won't let that woman (your wife) feel loved and taken care of? You were hurt by women once in your life? And want revenge ? Relax..

I try to present an accurate representation of the facts of my relationship.

The purpose of why I got married? We may as well ask the purpose of life. Why the sky is blue. Where do babies come from. - Although there are answers to all of those questions, they're not exact answers and they're not going to be the same at any given time. Same with my marriage and relationship. It is a process. My wife and I fell in love a full five years before we were reunited and almost six years before we were married. In the time between then and now, we've both become different people than the ones we remember. We're still trying to figure out how to make it work with someone who is not the same person they once were. We want to, but it's a process. - And it's a process I'm not afraid to disclose here on VJ. I've told VJ members (in person) VJ is kind of like my confessional. I'll share stuff because it's my way of venting and maybe, just maybe, there's someone out there going through the same thing I'm going through and my little story can help them out in some way. - And maybe there's someone who has it all figure out and can help me out!

As for letting my wife feel loved and taken care of, we have a different defintion of what loving and taking care of is. That's probably the major source of my problems. If I could only love her and take care of her the way she wants me to, then maybe everything would be OK. But, until she figures out she can be loved and taken care of even without diamonds and trips to the tropics, she'll probably remain at least a little bit unhappy with me.

Oh, slim. So oogle-ish - c'mon ladies, his avatar is probably the only reason you visit this section! - but so flawed.

Even from my very Western marriage/point of view, he's right sometimes. Not just funny. Right. But also funny.

Although I tend to get the impression that his Russian wife can be more confusing, complicated, and demanding than many of us' US wives.

(At least the ugly ones like me.)

Holy cow! Did everyone just read this post? Can we sticky this thread? WOW! A "Western woman" just jumped in my corner.

- Wait. There was a full moon that day, wasn't there? With Halloween and all....

Sarcasm? I thought sarcasm is a synonim to sth that at least a bit funny.

"Oh, slim. So oogle-ish - c'mon ladies, his avatar is probably the only reason you visit this section!" - that was funny.

That had to be more sarcasm because I know for a fact that chicks dig my avatar photo.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Sorry, I still can't figure out what ooogl-ish means. Are you sure it was mean as a compliment

Edited November 3, 2009 by Brad and Vika

[LvivLovers 39]

I saw Chris Rock the other night on TV talking about relationships. His explanation for why couples sometimes don't get along is they don't have the same focus. So what you have to do is get to the point where you do have the same focus...more specifically, you both need to focus on what SHE wants. Once you do that, then everything will be fine. Slim...take note. hahaha

Edited November 3, 2009 by LvivLovers

[visaveteran 1]

Good marriage equals sex each and every day minus times of illness and other occasional life interruptions. Both the man and the woman need to ask for it alternately...meaning no one always initiates or "begs." The "menu" of activities should be long and always changing, if even only in some minor way.

The pleasure, exercise, release of stress and the warmth and closeness is medicinal and will, I judge, extend life and allow moments of deep love. In this process, the man should walk away feeling "like a man" and the woman should feel "like a woman." That's what must happen in a marriage. If that issue gets twisted, confused, or not honored strongly, there will be troubles bye and bye.

The core of a man's DNA instructions is to penetrate and for women to be penetrated...so this needs to show up in primal and civil ways in a marriage. When a man and a woman hide, deny or repress this truth they are not incongruity with their purpose or mission or drive...or their nature. They loose authenticity, and they, at some deep level, know this truth and are unhappy and angry.

All the "talking it out" or therapy, or flowers and candy is BS as far as sustaining a life-long relationship. They are of minor impact. The best gifts are those given at unexpected times and without requirement such as silly holidays like Valentines Day. But words or money won't do squat and have only a quick fix impact. The next day your back in the same old stuff.

[slim 1,514]

I saw Chris Rock the other night on TV talking about relationships. His explanation for why couples sometimes don't get along is they don't have the same focus. So what you have to do is get to the point where you do have the same focus...more specifically, you both need to focus on what SHE wants. Once you do that, then everything will be fine. Slim...take note. hahaha

Did you see the part about Chris Rock's rules for women?

1. Gimme some head.

2. Don't talk so much.

3. Make me a sammich.

That's it. That's all they have to do to make men happy.

VV, I think you're right in your post because my wife always says something about me being primitive.

[LvivLovers 39]

I saw Chris Rock the other night on TV talking about relationships. His explanation for why couples sometimes don't get along is they don't have the same focus. So what you have to do is get to the point where you do have the same focus...more specifically, you both need to focus on what SHE wants. Once you do that, then everything will be fine. Slim...take note. hahaha

Did you see the part about Chris Rock's rules for women?

1. Gimme some head.

2. Don't talk so much.

3. Make me a sammich.

That's it. That's all they have to do to make men happy.

VV, I think you're right in your post because my wife always says something about me being primitive.

Yep. Funny stuff. My wife was cracking up too. I also showed her "How not to get beat up by the police" and some other stuff from the Dave Chappelle show. "I'm Rick James..."

Anyone got ideas for other great comedy stuff to show her next?

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Good marriage equals sex each and every day minus times of illness and other occasional life interruptions. Both the man and the woman need to ask for it alternately...meaning no one always initiates or "begs." The "menu" of activities should be long and always changing, if even only in some minor way.

The pleasure, exercise, release of stress and the warmth and closeness is medicinal and will, I judge, extend life and allow moments of deep love. In this process, the man should walk away feeling "like a man" and the woman should feel "like a woman." That's what must happen in a marriage. If that issue gets twisted, confused, or not honored strongly, there will be troubles bye and bye.

The core of a man's DNA instructions is to penetrate and for women to be penetrated...so this needs to show up in primal and civil ways in a marriage. When a man and a woman hide, deny or repress this truth they are not incongruity with their purpose or mission or drive...or their nature. They loose authenticity, and they, at some deep level, know this truth and are unhappy and angry.

All the "talking it out" or therapy, or flowers and candy is BS as far as sustaining a life-long relationship. They are of minor impact. The best gifts are those given at unexpected times and without requirement such as silly holidays like Valentines Day. But words or money won't do squat and have only a quick fix impact. The next day your back in the same old stuff.

Twice a day!

And on that note...Russian Woman's Engish

Yes=No No=Yes Maybe=No. We need= I want. Sure you can go= you better not.

Man's English

I am hungry=I am hungry. I am tired= I am tired. Nice dress=I want sex Would you like to go out for dinner=I want sex

Just joking, it isn't that way at all