Getting her out of vacation mode

[BluesTraveler 0]

Without an EAD one can not work legally. My thought process was if you are not out in the work force, that you should be doing work at home. Just some little things, nothing major like re-painting the house.

Granted most likely I set things on the wrong course by saying, "Enjoy your time off while it lasts. Soon, you will have to get a job and no more free time." Ok, it has been a few months and now is time to get off the couch and do some stuff. When I ask you what are you going to do today, and your reply is, "nothing sit around the house." My thought is don't sit around ~ do something!!!

This is what I want her to do, but trying to think about what is the best way to say it without losing bedroom privileges.

1). Get organized in the job searching arena. Decide what you want to do, and research possible jobs. Just because you can't actually apply for the job doesn't mean you can't do market research. And if you want to change career fields, research what is required and find out all the details.

2). You make dinner, great, lovely.

3). Use the washing machine, for my clothes too!!!

4). Vaccuum, some ironing, wipe down the shower and tub.

Granted if she was working a full time job, I wouldn't be thinking these things. Am I unreasonable to expect some of these things to be done?

[AKguy 1]

Have you just tried to ask her lovingly if she'd do any of those listed above?

[1HappyGuy 45]

First I would ask, how's her English? If it can be improved look for ESL classes to get her in. Just getting her out of the house will help. But, don't expect her to look for a job if she can't get work.

As for sitting around the house watching TV all day, I've found that suggesting they are becoming American women works pretty well to get them motivated.

Most likely she is just unsure what she can do. Try making a list of weekly chores you and she need done each week before you can go out for fun.

If you are worried about losing bedroom privileges, then she's already acting like an American woman.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I dont think you are asking too much at all. If she isnt working, then her job IS the house.

You can ask her nicely if she would mind doing some of those things for you. IE- "do you mind washing that load of laundry for me today while Im at work please?" If you havent already tried that, hopefully it will kick her into gear and she'll realize that she should be doign things like that without you asking.

[amberdima 6]

she might be depressed and/ or homesick. she might also need you to show her how you like your house cleaned. maybe this weekend- do chores together and explain how you want things done. i did it and it worked.

[SMR 368]

Look at it as things that both of you need to do. Come up with some things that you do, too. I'm not saying that you should necessarily put in as much time since you work outside the home, too.

Sit down with her and make a list of things that need to get done. Then agree who should do what. Everybody's different so you have to think about how best to do this with her. Once she understands things that need to get done, you'll see some progress. Then, let her know you appreciate it when she does things.

[MonkeyJuice 3]

She might be feeling a little depressed because she can't work or maybe she can't drive yet either so she feels isolated. These things will cause a lack of motivation & maybe why she can't be bothered to do anything.

OR...In a jokey way, why don't you say "get some housework done or I'm sending you back!" Depending on her sense of humour she'll either laugh & take the hint or run to the bedroom & slam the door!

[baron555 934]

OR...In a jokey way, why don't you say "get some housework done or I'm sending you back!" Depending on her sense of humour she'll either laugh & take the hint or run to the bedroom & slam the door!

We in the RUB forum understand this is NOT the thing to say. This is no joke and your relationship is no joke.

And doing the housework is NOT her job, unless that was your previous agreement or maybe you are planning on having children.

Do not listen to others whose cultures may be different than yours and hers. Cultures play a big part in this.

You guys need to obviously sit down and have a heart to heart about what you expect from your new relationship.

Maybe you are expecting too much also??!!

This should have been talked about before she came but now is as good a time as any.

Edited October 21, 2009 by baron555

[MonkeyJuice 3]

Like I said it depends on your/her sense of humour. Maybe it's a British sense of humour & I would know he was joking, therefore I wouldn't take it seriously.

[BluesTraveler 0]

I have asked for things to be done. Of course I do it in a non-confrontational manner. i.e., If you get a chance today could you do some laundry.

She has said she is depressed. I can understand it. I have lived overseas and the culture shock and adjustment period can be overwhelming.

Her English is much, much, much better than mine. English isn't my first language. She speaks 5 languages fluently and switch mid-sentence with no issues.

She has a drivers license. Although we only own 1 car. Our city has a great public transportation system and she can get from A to B with no issues whatsoever. She uses the bus on a daily basis, i.e. she can get to the mall and the gym with no problems. But to run an errand for me, well then every excuse in the book is given.

"I don't know what bus to take"

"the number 7"

"I don't know when it comes"

"Every 15 minutes" -- like every other bus in the city

If you don't want to do it, just say so.

I don't own a TV but she can watch Russian television via the Internet

need you to show her how you like your house cleaned.

Even if she did something different, I wouldn't mind. Just do anything.

Come up with some things that you do, too.

I never said I wanted to be waited on hand and foot. She knows all the things that I do. Wash dishes, make the bed, take out the trash, remodeling / repairing things around the house and oh ya, work a 2nd job.

let her know you appreciate it when she does things.

I always tell her thanks for making dinner, or if she does anything else.

I would never suggest sending her back, although I would find it funny she wouldn't. Her sense of humour is very basic and wouldn't find it funny.

Worried about losing bedroom privileges since that is the normal response from American women, it is what I am accustomed too.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I had the same prob with my husband for while, when he wasnt working. I think mostly they just dont know what we would like them to do. Now he works nights leaves as i get home so he usually has something already cook, which is nice. Then i do some at night and on the weekends so things are getting done as needed.

[Brad and Vika 129]

We had several sessions of appliance orientation. Vika had a devil of a time with the washer, dryer, dishwasher, etc. I found that when I tried to use the same appliances (and others) in Ukraine I had the same problem. Her English is great, but things like ultra wash vs. permanent press, or air dry vs. normal dry didn't translate well. She also resisted errands and tasks where she had to interract with Americans without me around. The accent was difficult for her at times, and Americans usually respond to me if I am there.

We enrolled her in an ESL class, and she took a bus downtown four days a week to the class while I worked. I looked at the schedule with her, and took the bus all the way to campus and back with her the first time - and visited the adviser, and took her to the library for an ID and the book store. Now she is OK, and could probably drive there herself.

My point is just find her something she wants to do outside the home and help her do it (I know it isn't that simple). Ask, "are you really bored?", and when she looks at you like you have lost your mind ask her what she would like to do. If she says she doesn't know, ASK her to come up with some ideas, and that you promise to help. Just ask her what makes her happy I guess - and don't push.

Do not, under any circumstances, even joke about sending her home. This is a cultural thing I think - and she might find that (or the threat of it) absolutely humiliating.

[Danno 1,228]

Well, I think everyone is going a little too easy on the lady.

I find it hard to believe anyone would stay home all day and only wash her clothes... (Did I understand that right?)

People can get in a "funk" of idleness, they get s set routine of doing nothing but sleeping late, watching tv or surfing on-line.

If this is her natural habit in life you are in trouble my friend, if she is just in a temp funk, things might improve.

My wife actually goes to work with me and if that were not available she would do anythng rather than sit around the house and do nothing.

What was your wife like in her prior life (back home)?

It's been my experience, that many slavic women do not respect a "push over guy", if you are doing everything around the house without a word of protest... while going to work.. you are a "push over".

If it took an argument, I would confront her on this point and tell her, you want to help her adjust but you expect a "team effort".

The biggest concern I have is "it sounds like" your lady is acting selfish, to me that would be alarming.

Do you have any prior kids living in the home?

[Darnell 8,478]

I would suggest:

1. get out and volunteer at the hospital, or a church organization, or the local chamber of commerce.

2. attend a local toastmasters meeting - see www.toastmasters.org for yer local guild/chapter .

Staying inside is a sure-fire way to kill the mood.

[clueless_in_usa 8]

Without an EAD one can not work legally. My thought process was if you are not out in the work force, that you should be doing work at home. Just some little things, nothing major like re-painting the house.

Granted most likely I set things on the wrong course by saying, "Enjoy your time off while it lasts. Soon, you will have to get a job and no more free time." Ok, it has been a few months and now is time to get off the couch and do some stuff. When I ask you what are you going to do today, and your reply is, "nothing sit around the house." My thought is don't sit around ~ do something!!!

This is what I want her to do, but trying to think about what is the best way to say it without losing bedroom privileges.

1). Get organized in the job searching arena. Decide what you want to do, and research possible jobs. Just because you can't actually apply for the job doesn't mean you can't do market research. And if you want to change career fields, research what is required and find out all the details.

2). You make dinner, great, lovely.

3). Use the washing machine, for my clothes too!!!

4). Vaccuum, some ironing, wipe down the shower and tub.

Granted if she was working a full time job, I wouldn't be thinking these things. Am I unreasonable to expect some of these things to be done?

This is the kind of situation where planning ahead may be of utmost importance.

My fiancee has been in the US almost three weeks already. Two of them have been spent going to ESL courses four days a week. I identified that as a need and since she got enrolled her mood has been a lot better than the first week.

I was also very clear on what she can and cannot do ... and until when the situation will be so. She would love to work, but I made it clear that English is the priority. I noticed that making every step very clear helps keep her in check. And believe me when I say that it has not been easy because she misses every bit of her life back in Russia.

Not only that. Knowing that she does not drive yet, I made sure to choose a school and a schedule that will keep her busy as much time as I work. I showed her exactly how to get back and forth to the city like Brad did. It takes her between two and three hours each way (walk, bus, and subway), but she does not complain about it a bit.

And finally, when nothing else works, telling her exactly what you expect from her (like doing the dishes when I am not home) has worked wonders. The first week she made me understand that she felt like a guest in "my" home. I then explained to her that she is not a guest and instead this is "our" home. Slowly but surely "the serious talk" is giving the expected results.

She still sleeps late when not studying and spends hours in the bathroom getting ready everyday, but thanks to advance planning and clear communication, all other times she is not sitting around doing nothing.

Find out what really captures her interest and help her dedicate some time on it. And do not go around doing everything for her or else you will make it habit and she will never have the desire to make it teamwork. Be clear! Be firm! And help her adapt better!