Ever had doubts?

[lollee 0]

Hello again fellow Canuck VJers.

I have a little issue to deal with

Im having doubts about starting the K-1 process. We were supposed to start it on the 31st of this month. Let me explain:

Both of us are in a very tight financial spot...him way more so than me though. So, it is me that is going to be paying for this ENTIRE thing. So I have (judging by other's timelines') appx 6-7 months to pay off my $3000 visa, and pay for the - im assuming around - $2000 in total cost of the K-1. (Including AOS, medical, and all....I will have to save it up before I move because of the no working thing for a few months). On top of this, I have to take a used to be friend of mine to small claims court by Oct for $1,200. I only make $10.00 an hour, 65-80 hours every 2 weeks. So needless to say, im going to be VERY much so hurtin in the cash department for a VERY long time. And since I wont have money to fly out to see him because of this..more than likely we won't be seeing eachother until moving day. It's so stressful on my end...words cannot describe. But I suppose the bags under my eyes can do all the talking.

That being said - heres the reasoning for my doubts. We argue - everyday. The way I look at it is: im moving countries for us, on top of paying for THE WHOLE THING. He should treat me like a princess, right? He says I don't see his point of views...but he can be a little bit of a jerk sometimes. He admits to it after we argue though (typical man). When we are together, it's wonderful. We are so in love...we feel perfect for eachother. In person he is a wonderful man - a complete gentleman. He would do anything for me - this I know.

But all this argueing...I cannot handle it any longer. Im so stressed about all this money I need to magicly conjure up. For example, here is our arguement for today via text's. I was at work, it was his day off. We pay $15 a month for world of warcraft. My time ran out today, but I get payed in 3 days so I was going to renew it on friday. He offered to pay for it, and I asked him to put it twords the I-129F fee that im supposed to be paying for at the end of the month. I mean, it's better than nothing. $15 is alot to me right now...im sure we can live without playing WoW together for 3 days...

I just realized I deleted the text's . But it was basicly I spend too much money on myself ( I bought some fish...and I get my nails done twice a month..LOL) and I need to watch my money and him giving me $15 is nothing...and it's obvious I dont want to spend time in WoW with him and that apparently that is me telling him how to spend his money.

Thats just a little example. On top of the - he fights with me when I go out with my friends...just alot of stupid little arguements like that. The arguement today really made me upset. One, I was at work, two - who the HELL does he think he is giving me ####### for money when im paying for everything for us. And I can't even afford, but im still doing it.

So im having severe doubts. I feel like he dosn't care about me as much as I do him...or he isn't looking at this in a very serious matter. I feel...distanced, like im not even in a relationship anymore. I love him..and I want to be with him. Iv heard people never change...and iv experienced this first hand with men. Do you think it's because of the distance that he argues with me like this? Or am I about to make a huge mistake? Im so scared to move...that il be stuck in Florida wondering why I did what I did.

Appologies for the novel, thank you for reading

[lollee 0]

Edit: (Wouldnt let me >.>)

I have no ring, I wont have one for probably a few years. So im moving on a hope and a dream.

[Danu 19]

I'm sorry that you are having these feelings. I wish I could tell you things will get easier but this process is a huge trial on patience, and I know that I, as well as a few people who filed at the same time as me have had a few crying fits. I would say you need to talk to him about how you are feeling, especially about money situations as they are one of the things that causes the biggest problems in a relationship. He does need to have some sort of plan for how things are going to go.

Theres also a couple things here that you both need to be aware of. I'm assuming you are the Canadian by your post. If hes having a harder time with finances, if he doesnt make 125% of the poverty line, he will need to get a co-sponsor. Also, the I-129F fee must be paid in US dollars drawn from a US bank, so if you are planning on paying, you may need to wire him the money from your account to get him to send out the cheque.

I do wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide, but only you can decide what you will put up with. Its definately a good idea to have a long talk with him about plans, short term and long term to make sure you are on the same wavelength about goals and money in the future, because if you feel this way now, if he wants you to take care of him long term you will end up resentful and thats never good.

A ring is just a shiny piece of metal, theres a couple people here who got married and then got their engagement rings later on. As long as you know if your heart that its right and that you can deal with whatever comes along, then it has a chance.

Edited July 16, 2009 by Danu

[canadian_wife 1,791]

lollee - I sure had doubts during this process so I understand how you feel. It is a very expensive process (especially if you are paying for it all by yourself) and moving is a huge stress. Plus the separation from your loved one is terrible so any little aggravation can turn into something huge! I am sorry you are going through this.

have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you are feeling? Perhaps simply having a conversation with him to tell him how you are feeling might alleviate a lot of this tension.

Good luck on your journey. Oh and I don't have an engagement ring, just my beautiful wedding band and I wouldn't change it for anything!

[brnidokiegurl 0]

just saw this sorry for intrusion into canada...first if he is old enough to marry why isnt he old enough to pay for HIS application for you? It is all very stressful and can last for years trying to get thru all this, the before is just as stressful as the after when your togther. I think i would talk some more and get few more feelings on this money issue especially the part about him having none and telling you how to spend what you do have.

[Kiv 32]

I paid for my AOS too with savings, for a few months we were very (or too thight) on money until I could work. My husband does not even remember that I paid, forget about being grateful for it (in my time it was not as expensive as it is now).

You may think that controlling every penney is bad but it may be a good thing, at least both of you know where is the money going; when married is going to be yours and his money and every day you 2 will have to decide where and how to expend it.

To me you sound a little married already.

If something bothers you try to talk to him about it but not in the middle of a fight, maybe he just does not know he is annoying you in front of your friends, he may think they are "close friends" and you are ok with them listening...

good luck.

[Mephys 2]

Just a little thought. I was exactly in your situation.

I had no savings, he was in a middle of some fights with the ex so he couldn't help me financially for the process. We were playing WoW to spend theim together, I had 4000$ on my Canadian Visa and a student loan.

It took 18 months for the process for us because we had to wait for his divorce to be finalized before filing for the K-1 so it gave me a little more time ahead, but I still had a lot of things to pay (car, rent) and get rid of.

Here's how I dealt with it.

1- Saved as much as possible, aka about $2500 (it's not much) and the just enough to pay for K-1 and AOS, EAD.

2- We made sure we wouldnt have more bills than what he could handle during the time I would not be working.

3- I didn't bother paying my Canadian debts completely before I left, and all I did is make sure I would have enough to make the minimum payments on it for about 1 year during the time I wouldn't be working. I am still transfering money into my canadian account every month via paypal to finish paying it off and it's working well. So my advice would be don't bother with those it's not a major issue.

4- The fact that he wants to pay for your renewal for Wow could mean a different thing for him than for you. For it's just a game and you can live without it for 3 days....understandable. For him, it's the only way to "spend" time with you and he misses you so much it's dirving him nuts to not be able to.....And that makes you guys having a fight about it. We missed each other so much we used to fight everyday at the day because of the stress. Been there done that. It might be just a good intention, nothing mean. And then of course he's gonna brag about you spending too much because he'd rather be with you in the game than have you nails done because it's no benefit for him

And on another side, if you need a few more months to save more money, you do have 6 months to use that Visa once it's approved ( although I moved 10 days later and I would have found it hard to wait 6 more months with that hot potatoe in my hand )

If you love each other so much and are missing each other like crazy, that itself is enough to put a lot of stress on both of you and fight. Take a deep breath and think about all this

ETA : Yes we were tight for a while, but being together made up for it. And the ring ? Well if it's that big of a deal, we got titanium rings ( about $200 each ) and still have them after 4 years and wouldnt change them for anything There are ways to make things cheaper

Edited July 16, 2009 by Mephys

[Emancipation 2]

I was in the situation where I paid for most if not all of the process (due to my husbands wake after his divorce and his commitments to his children financially). He basically told me the reality of his situation and left it up to me whether I still wanted to marry him. He was honest and upfront (with huge regret he couldn't do more), worked an incredible amount of hours on his end in the weeks/months leading up to me being here. That being said he NEVER once counseled me on my finances, he did everything in his power to make sure we would have the best support system around us here in CT when I got here, and purposefully went out of his way to listen to me, to hear about the stresses & pressure I was facing/dealing with. He never ONCE made me feel guilt, shame or pressure at any point. What you are describing sounds like a lot of expectation on his part for not much investment on his end. That quite honestly would give me doubts. Lots and lots of doubt. But you are the person in the situation. All I can tell you is my experience having similar finances.. You are a smart cookie.. I generally think instinct is a blessing for us.

Just read Mephy's reply above.. she makes good points to..

Edited July 16, 2009 by Emancipation

[Mephys 2]

sorry for the crapload of typos....its early

Edited July 16, 2009 by Mephys

[Carlawarla 1]

Hello llolee...I'm not glad that you are having doubts, but glad that you posted here, and hopefully, after venting, and thinking about what's been said, it will help you to sort out what's going on in your head.

You don't say what kind of financial crisis your fiance is experiencing, but yours alone sound very overwhelming. I'm sure you'll be annoyed when I say that it looks from your picture that you're both very young, and that lots of young people aren't "comfortable" financially at the best of times. The whole immigration process is costly, more so when you each have other financial obligations on top of that. On one hand you could say...love overcomes all obstacles, but that's a cliche, and in truth financial matters are the leading cause of divorce. Sad, I know, but the stress involved with managing money, or little money is very very difficult.

You met in March and June, for how long I don't know...and now you want to embark on the visa journey. I knew from the first time I met my now husband "in person" that we were destined to marry, and we loved each other very much. This was after chatting and talking on the phone for 18 months. We met again, over and over...one visit for 3 months, before actually applying for the visa. In total, from having met on the internet to actually submitting the I-129F, it was 4 years. A long time I know, but one in which we truly got to know each other, a time where we learned to grow together, and love each other much greater. I know for some people, meeting so often, just isn't possible, but I'd waited 40 years for this man to enter my life, and I in his life...we could wait a bit longer...

Yes, distance can make things more stressful. That's usually however, when there has been long separations, a longing to be together to talk things over and not just on the phone or on the computer. You were last there in June to meet...that's not a long time for things to have come to a head in the interim.

Why not take some time and clear up some of the financial obligations you, and maybe he has right now, and continue meeting when you can for a bit longer? There is nothing to say that once you've met and know you want to marry, that you can't continue until you're both in a better place financially. What is the rush?

I know that when you've met, things have been very nice. They always are. You're "dating", you're on "vacation", and you're in love. The reality is, you're not living day to day with each other, and having the "world" enter your daily lives when you're together. Don't get the two mixed up.

Who's paying for what...is irrelevant. Now, and in the future. You're planning a future together, the fact that you're paying for the process because he can't (although it looks like you're going to have difficulty as well), is just a part of what two people go through who are going to be co-mingling their assets in the future anyway. No one is keeping score, no one should have a "list" of who's paying for what. Nails, WoW...these are small everyday financial issues that have to be addressed. You say that $15.00 is very important to you. So, are you willing to give up having your nails done then?

I see his offering to pay the WoW fee as generous. You said he's financially in a crunch, and yet he's willing to offer up what he can. That's endearing. It keeps you closer together while you're apart. He's contributing...but you seem to want the contribution to be on your terms, to pay for what you want to it to go towards. Going out with girlfriends annoys him? Is he jealous? What do you do when you go out? It can't be two ways. lol Either you have money to go out with girlfriends, get your nails done....or you don't.

Communication is the key. You need to be talking to him about how you're feeling. You sound confused, angry, and wants some reassurance. You might not get what you want if you talk to him, but the alternative is not accepatable. You have to share what's going on with you, and either clear the air, or enter into discussions that might not result in you hearing what you want. But you'll be true to yourself, and him.

Your second posting about the ring is troubling to me. Who cares if you don't have a ring? Is this the only sign of committment? Because you don't have one, are you unsure that he "wants" you? I guess I just don't see why added this part. Maybe I do see it, and what I see I don't like?

I hope whatever you decide, you at least make sure your decision is made together, after talking about this a very long time. My best to you.

[Krikit 1,163]

Lollee, I am going to agree with you and keep it short and sweet. Your boyfriend sounds unprepared and immature, and you are justifiably resentful. I would take a huge step back for two reasons. 1) To give him a chance to sort out his priorities and to take some responsibility. 2) To distance yourself from the emotional drain and frustration so you can look at things with a clear head.

Good luck, and I wish you all the best.

[thetreble 19]

I really don't want to judge you. Only you can be the judge of what is right and wrong for you.

However, I'm going through a similar situation right now with my brother in law who is getting married in a fw weeks. All him and this future spouse of his have done for the past 10 months has been argue. No one is picture perfect or has a picture perfect relationship. There will be arguements and there is the stress of being away from your loved one.

However...

1. If you are arguing every day, you probably want to think about how both of you can make that stop. Chances are, whatever you are arguing about, isn't argument worthy.

2. If you guys are trying to save money, well at least you are, you have to cut out certain things that you like. For 8 months before I left to go to the United States, I didn't spend any money on myself whatsoever. I took care of whatever I had to take are of, but anything I liked was sort of put off. Maybe you could give your nails and WOW a rest for a little while just to save an extra dollar or two and he needs to know this. Again, this stuff is all just my opinion and certainly not meant to tell you what to do.

3. Things do get much harder. If you guys are struggling money wise now, when you move to the US and are unable to work for awhile, how will he support you? As Danu pointed out, there are guidelines in terms of financial support when you want to become a permanent resident. I think many of us will agree, especially if you are young like me, it was definitely a struggle and luckily my husband and I weren't in any debt. He was also working about 75 hours a week and picking up extra shifts so we could survive while I wasn't legal to work. It's not easy, that;s for sure. But, my concern for you would be that if you guys are having a really tough time now, it's not going to get easier for awhile.

4. If he is aruging with you about going out with your friends, that's not a good sign. You have every right and I know that's what kept me sane a lot before I moved to the US. I doubt that will stop once you marry him so you should probably talk to him about it.

Good luck in what you decide. I know it's not easy and I hope it works out.

[trailmix 77]

Hi lollee,

Sorry you are having such a hard time, a few of the things you said did kind of jump out.

The way I look at it is: im moving countries for us, on top of paying for THE WHOLE THING. He should treat me like a princess, right?

Actually no - really when you are in a relationship like this, it should be pretty selfless generally. What I mean is that you two are going to be in this for the long haul and both of you are going to do great things for each other. You can't expect him to treat you like a princess just because you do something nice. You sound like you resent him here - and maybe you do, for not pitching in any money for immigration. I'm not saying you are wrong in feeling that way - but obviously your expectations of him about this and what he thinks are two different things (he may well be resenting you for being resentful).

But all this argueing...I cannot handle it any longer. Im so stressed about all this money I need to magicly conjure up. For example, here is our arguement for today via text's. I was at work, it was his day off. We pay $15 a month for world of warcraft. My time ran out today, but I get payed in 3 days so I was going to renew it on friday. He offered to pay for it, and I asked him to put it twords the I-129F fee that im supposed to be paying for at the end of the month. I mean, it's better than nothing. $15 is alot to me right now...im sure we can live without playing WoW together for 3 days...

Why isn't he paying at all for the application? It is obviously a huge financial burden for you. Since your working soon after you arrive in the U.S. is obviously a big consideration, have you discussed getting married now and filing for a CR1 instead? That way you could work soon after you arrive and saving up a mound of money would not be as important.

So im having severe doubts. I feel like he dosn't care about me as much as I do him...or he isn't looking at this in a very serious matter. I feel...distanced, like im not even in a relationship anymore. I love him..and I want to be with him. Iv heard people never change...and iv experienced this first hand with men. Do you think it's because of the distance that he argues with me like this? Or am I about to make a huge mistake? Im so scared to move...that il be stuck in Florida wondering why I did what I did.

Understandable that you are feeling distanced - I mean you really are aren't you. As someone mentioned you really need to tell him how you are feeling. Oh and the moving thing - try not to get too stressed about that. You won't actually be 'stuck' in Florida, if you are not happy and you don't want to stay in the States, the same road that leads to Florida goes right back to Canada.

And good luck

Edited July 16, 2009 by trailmix

[warlord 72]

I won't get into the financial part as everyone else covered that. I'll just say you need to think seriously about things and go with your gut feeling.

Thing is, if you're arguing about things now, like going out with friends and such, things will definatly not get better all of a sudden when you married. Things aren't easy getting married to someone, but now add on immigration, money issues and a whole bunch of other problems, you seriously could drown in everything.

It can definatly be an extremley stressful time, and if you guys are already having issues, imagine what it's going to be like when you try to do the immigration process.

Entering a marriage when both people are in debt is never a good idea. In many marriages that don't work, money is a big factor for divorce. This is usually when one person is very good with managing money but the other isn't and conflict arises. Now just think of having both people in debt and trying to start a new life without anything?

I can't tell you want to do, but you already seem to know and see all the warning signs already popping up. You need to go with your gut instinct and never ever rush something like this.

My wife and I rushed into our marriage too fast, we argued before quite a bit, figured things would be better after marriage. She had debt, I did not, we jumped in. After almost 6 years (end of the month) we just filed for divorce. We both are going to live together, probably be roomates and best friends, but the thing is we both realized we didn't pay attention to the warning signs early on before we got married and both of us agree we really needed to have taken our time instead of getting married a year after we started dating to really get to know each other and figure out our own conflicts and such. Now luckily we don't have any debt together and she only has 2 small credit cards to pay off, but still, the whole thing could be a nightmare if you rush into it.

Just my experience, hope it helps...

[Carlawarla 1]

I won't get into the financial part as everyone else covered that. I'll just say you need to think seriously about things and go with your gut feeling.

Thing is, if you're arguing about things now, like going out with friends and such, things will definatly not get better all of a sudden when you married. Things aren't easy getting married to someone, but now add on immigration, money issues and a whole bunch of other problems, you seriously could drown in everything.

It can definatly be an extremley stressful time, and if you guys are already having issues, imagine what it's going to be like when you try to do the immigration process.

Entering a marriage when both people are in debt is never a good idea. In many marriages that don't work, money is a big factor for divorce. This is usually when one person is very good with managing money but the other isn't and conflict arises. Now just think of having both people in debt and trying to start a new life without anything?

I can't tell you want to do, but you already seem to know and see all the warning signs already popping up. You need to go with your gut instinct and never ever rush something like this.

My wife and I rushed into our marriage too fast, we argued before quite a bit, figured things would be better after marriage. She had debt, I did not, we jumped in. After almost 6 years (end of the month) we just filed for divorce. We both are going to live together, probably be roomates and best friends, but the thing is we both realized we didn't pay attention to the warning signs early on before we got married and both of us agree we really needed to have taken our time instead of getting married a year after we started dating to really get to know each other and figure out our own conflicts and such. Now luckily we don't have any debt together and she only has 2 small credit cards to pay off, but still, the whole thing could be a nightmare if you rush into it.

Just my experience, hope it helps...

Thanks for writing this warlord, especially given your own experience. I'm sorry things didn't work out better for you, and sorry about your divorce. Hope you'll still be apart of the boards here....you're that kind of guy that I roll my eyes at sometimes at what you say, but I'd sure miss you if you weren't here.