Ever had doubts?

[lollee 0]

Update:

Im not doing this....I just told him. His response was basicly:

"Ok whatever I dont want to talk about it, id do it for us - I dont want to hear bout it blah blah blah we cant discuss things that will happen in the future lets just talk about it down the road"

He's annoyed. Im trying to speak my point of view to him and he dosn't care because he's upset that im not moving. "Our lives are just going to keep sucking and it's going to be more bickering and complaining that me moving is going to be too far away"

That speaks it all. Im done.

[lollee 0]

Oh, and get this -

Im bad with money.

LOL.

Im going for a beer

[Sprailenes 47]

You guys just met, tell him you just want to take your time, you'll have your whole lives together. A couple more months to a year isn't a huge deal in comparison to all the time you'll have together in your future.

[JillA 2]

You guys just met, tell him you just want to take your time, you'll have your whole lives together. A couple more months to a year isn't a huge deal in comparison to all the time you'll have together in your future.

Yeah he doesn't sound very mature about this at all (no offense intended in any way). I think you did the right thing and are being smart about delaying. After all, why rush the K-1? Why not date long distance for a year or two like many of us have done. You need to be 110% sure it's right. And it doesn't sound right for you, at this time.

[thetreble 19]

You guys just met in person for the first time 4 months ago. Most of us dating long distance for years. If he is already itching to be with you at 4 months and can't wait much longer, I don't think it's going to work. Long distance relationships involving immigration usually have the two people being apart for long periods of time.

[Autumnchik 6]

Wow. This thread really hits home how important communication is in a relationship, especially during the visa process. And honestly, it seems like both the OP and her fiance need to improve their communication if their relationship is going to survive. His response definitely sounds immature. But just telling him that she is going to hold off on the visa(not discuss their issues, not try to come to a solution jointly, not give him any option for input), just strikes me as a bit immature too. Maybe time for both of them to learn that marriage is a partnership will be beneficial.

[Hugglebuggles 60]

Sorry to hear about that Lollee!

Long distance relationships are hard, but they really test the character of the couple. Although the distance is unbearable at times, we are rather lucky to be so geographically close to many of our SO's in the US, compared to all the overseas relationships you hear about on VJ. If its meant to be, you can both make it work. It requires a lot of trust and a lot of sacrifice, and communication is an absolute necessity. A lot of us have dated our fiances for years, as thetreble pointed out. For me it was 4 years, for some others it has been 8+. Maybe you two aren't ready for this now, but it doesn't mean the relationship is over. Give it some time and some effort, you may see its not as impossible as you might think! I wish you luck! Go have the beer and clear your head a little!

[JillA 2]

One more thing I thought of.... You should have this serious discussion about your future over the phone (since unfortunately you cannot have it in person). Text and e-mail to discuss these serious issues isn't really appropriate, I don't think. It's hard to read eachother over a text, a phone convo would be better. In your original post you said you had an argument over texting, definitely call eachother next time

Edited July 17, 2009 by JillA

[Bern. 3]

Good luck! But yes, I concur with everyone here. Definitely spend some more time with him before you make that giant step in your relationship. It's not easy moving to another country to be with somebody. (I'm not even there yet, but I'm scared!) I hope it all works out, whether you stay with him, or you don't. You look quite young, enjoy your life! <3!

[Carlawarla 1]

Yes, sounds like he's upset, and he's pouting right now. Give him some time, and then when you talk about it again, I'm sure he'll not be so spontaneous in his replies and will have had time to think about it. I truly think you're going about this the right way, and that giving yourself more time to get to know each other and get your finances in order is the way to go. Wishing you all the best!

[warlord 72]

You guys just met in person for the first time 4 months ago. Most of us dating long distance for years. If he is already itching to be with you at 4 months and can't wait much longer, I don't think it's going to work. Long distance relationships involving immigration usually have the two people being apart for long periods of time.

I agree. Hell my future ex-wife and I met in person and dated for a year and saw each other several times in the week and spent every weekend together and that didn't even work out. So I totally agree 4 months and only seeing once is probably wayyyyy to early.

It's good that you called it off and yeah he'll be a upset about it, but you do have to wonder why he's in such a rush to marry you in the first place too. How much do you really know about the guy?

[bowflex 0]

Although he may have gone about it the wrong way, he sounds like a stubborn SOB like me so I'm hoping maybe you could be a little flattered by how he reacted. I believe he just wants to be with you so badly that he's genuinely hurt that the process is going to be delayed and that's why he struck out, granted in a very immature way.

I'd be much more worried if you told him you were going to move it back and he just said "Oh okay" and nothing else because then you'd have to question whether or not he really cared for ya.

This process really tests every aspect of a relationship and I really hope you guys make it. Either way I hope you both can find happiness, good luck!

[Galateia 1]

We delayed our process for an additional 6 months so I could work and sock away some money to cover my student loans while I was down here. It was a really painful decision to make.

We were both poor, him earning 1.3k a month on a grad student supplement, me working at a call center (for 11/hr gross, so like 8/hr net), and working a lot of overtime every week. I bore most of the cost of the process because I was working full time and he was a student, but he pinched every penny and managed to put aside some money as well; I have no idea how he did this, considering that rent is 500, tuition is 1k every 4 months, gas to school/utilities/phone/internet/food ... he was very thin when I eventually came down here, so I suspect that it came out of his food budget. He never went out with his friends, never drank, never ate out, didn't see movies or rent games, never bought new clothes. He skipped getting haircuts, and told people who asked that he was growing it out to donate it.

This process requires financial sacrifice for most. We were more than willing to make the sacrifice for our relationship. I would hope that your fiance is equally willing to make things work by whatever means he must.

[lgg 2]

Very nicely put, Galateia...

A thing to consider too, is that some of us ~ahem~ are a little older and have grown out of/paid off our student loans and have passed from working minimum wage jobs into higher paying positions and such but, that being said, adjustments still have to be made especially when both parties want to be together. As I said in my previous post, I have pared down my life a lot in the past year or so in order to prepare for this journey and the eventual move -- working A LOT, saving and scrimping and such, but it's SO worth it. And we've been together for years and years so that new, crazy flush of excitement at the very beginning has evolved into rationale and such, you know? I remember when we were first together, I wanted to quit my job, go down there and just stay and do whatever it took with no regard to savings, legality or anything -- it made us both a little crazy with want. But as adults, it soon became very obvious that there were some hurdles to overcome and things to take care of so that it made sense legally and financially and that is what we both decided to do.

It is not easy, relationships aren't always easy and having a long distance relationship that eventually culminates in marriage and an immigration process makes it all a little more difficult. That being said? It is also the best thing I've ever done in regard to this relationship. I am pleased, honoured and thrilled to work hard and to do my part to bring it all together. I also have the support and help and understanding of my husband, who is my solid partner of many years.

Yeah, I blabbed, what of it? I find this thread interesting and relevant as most people I know don't understand the the nature of a long running long-distance relationship and they understand even less the hardship and such that goes long with the immigration process so, this thread allows me to read and learn and to vocalize to those that do understand and in the case of the OP, those that don't, I don't mean that in a negative sort of way either, it's just in terms of a relationship, there is TONS to learn and in cases like this, much more so.

I wish the OP luck and lots of us here are proof in the pudding that it CAN be done and it can be done well.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

LGG

We delayed our process for an additional 6 months so I could work and sock away some money to cover my student loans while I was down here. It was a really painful decision to make.

We were both poor, him earning 1.3k a month on a grad student supplement, me working at a call center (for 11/hr gross, so like 8/hr net), and working a lot of overtime every week. I bore most of the cost of the process because I was working full time and he was a student, but he pinched every penny and managed to put aside some money as well; I have no idea how he did this, considering that rent is 500, tuition is 1k every 4 months, gas to school/utilities/phone/internet/food ... he was very thin when I eventually came down here, so I suspect that it came out of his food budget. He never went out with his friends, never drank, never ate out, didn't see movies or rent games, never bought new clothes. He skipped getting haircuts, and told people who asked that he was growing it out to donate it.

This process requires financial sacrifice for most. We were more than willing to make the sacrifice for our relationship. I would hope that your fiance is equally willing to make things work by whatever means he must.

Edited July 18, 2009 by lgg

[Krikit 1,163]

Holy. I had to stop reading your post, lgg, because your avatar was about to give me seizures.