Ever had doubts?

[Krikit 1,163]

Warlord has given some very sage advice which I absolutely agree with, Lollee.

Warlord, I am so very sorry to hear that your marriage has ended. I am glad that you can remain friends. I wish you all the best.

[thetreble 19]

Agreed. Wish you the best, warlord and sorry to hear about your divorce.

[minnew 4]

When my fiance and I first started this process we agreed on paying USCIS fees and such 1/2 and 1/2. Of course the interview stuff and documents needed, plus travel to Vancouver were paid by me. He knew as well as I that it would be stressful and taxing on the finances as well as emotionally. I have not seen my fiance since April, it is tough but it will be so worth it to see him again when I do not have to visit, I am there to stay!!! From reading your posts like others have said I think you resent that you are paying for the process yourself, and resent that you do not have an engagement ring. For some people having that sign of committment is a dealbreaker, sometimes its not. It all depends on what your idea of committment is.

My fiance and I have sure had some long talks about finances and where the $$ will be going after I move, plus the wedding, plus being unemployed. Finances are definitely not an easy thing to talk about, and like someone else said the biggest reason for divorce. We both have an idea of where each other's money is going and I have told him what his financial obligations may be if I do not get my EAD in a timely manner after filing AOS. We will be okay if there are some bumps in the road financially, but we will survive. I have saved up money for moving, wedding and payment of bills while unemployed. But the huge red flag is when you are telling each other what you can and cannot spend YOUR money on. Long distance relationships are hard, you don't know what the other does on a daily basis and how often the other gets time to get out the house and spend with friends. Going out with friends is one thing, or hanging out with them, but spending $100 with them each time you go out is another. He can sure remind you about the immigration fees, but he cannot tell you what to do with your money as it is up to you to decide.

We have had some petty arguments as well, the separation is definitely not easy, and it is sure not easy to kiss and make up over the phone! If a couple does not argue sometimes I do believe that their relationship is not fully formed and not healthy. That is just my opinion though. I think my fiance was ready to say...if you talk about USCIS or immigration one more time!!! LOL!! He was so sick of it and just wanted me to either visit again or move down for good! Like someone told me when I first joined the VJ community, immigrating to the US is definitely not for the faint of heart.

[SapphireDreams 71]

Lollee, I agree with the others about everything people have posted but I wanted to share my story.

I didn't pay for the process all by myself, I had a well paying job and I managed to save a lot of money before I left (to help me pay my bills once I got here) and I still stress out about money all the time. We live with my in-laws and we are both constantly watching our money. I admit that I am a bit of a spender, but this whole process is quite financially draining and I've really had to change my habits. Between visits, filing fees, medical fees, travelling to Montreal, the Gardisil vaccine... I was barely holding on some months while I was working.

Like Carla mentioned, I knew very early on into our relationship that we would end up together. We met online like you, and were both not in a financial position to make the process work. If we had tried like you, it would've been similar to your situation, low paying jobs and barely any money to do anything else. We opted to just take it slow. Sure, some days/months were not very fun being apart. We had our fair share of arguments... but in reality these types of relationships take tie to build and grow, just like any other relationship. We dated for 5 years long distance but in that time, we were able to save loads of money, finish school, build our careers and be in a financial position to make it all happen without ANY help from our parents or a co-sponsor. Despite the hard 5 years being apart, it was the best decision we ever made. So before you rush into anything, please please please take some time and enjoy each other, get to know each other (because even though you probably talk everyday and think you know each other really well... it's not the same thing, takes many visits and more time to develop an online relationship).

I'm not trying to be negative, but the doubts that you are having are probably not going to go away. Beginning the visa journey with deeper lying issues is only going to cause problems and be more difficult for you down the road.

[trailmix 77]

My fiance and I have sure had some long talks about finances and where the $$ will be going after I move, plus the wedding, plus being unemployed. Finances are definitely not an easy thing to talk about, and like someone else said the biggest reason for divorce.

Not to get off topic here - but I disagree with this. I think that the whole money issues and divorce are overstated. It's like any other thing that requires compromise and communication in a relationship.

For instance, if your fiance drinks every night and after you get married he is not willing to cut that down to, say, 2 times a week - would we say that it is his drinking that is causing problems in the relationship?

I think money is just a catalyst because it's something every single couple deals with, intermingled finances and people have different approaches to how money is spent.

[Krikit 1,163]

Good points, Trailmix.

For instance, if your fiance drinks every night and after you get married he is not willing to cut that down to, say, 2 times a week - would we say that it is his drinking that is causing problems in the relationship?

Conversely, if his not drinking makes him a real #######, would that be the root of the problem? LOL

[trailmix 77]

Good points, Trailmix.

For instance, if your fiance drinks every night and after you get married he is not willing to cut that down to, say, 2 times a week - would we say that it is his drinking that is causing problems in the relationship?

Conversely, if his not drinking makes him a real #######, would that be the root of the problem? LOL

[minnew 4]

My fiance and I have sure had some long talks about finances and where the $$ will be going after I move, plus the wedding, plus being unemployed. Finances are definitely not an easy thing to talk about, and like someone else said the biggest reason for divorce.

Not to get off topic here - but I disagree with this. I think that the whole money issues and divorce are overstated. It's like any other thing that requires compromise and communication in a relationship.

I think money is just a catalyst because it's something every single couple deals with, intermingled finances and people have different approaches to how money is spent.

Thats what I was trying to say that you need open lines of communication about money in your relationship because most couples have intermingled finances. Some couples still keep credit cards and bank accounts in their own name, never share their balances and are PURPOSELY hiding thousands of dollars of debt from their spouse. Just like any other aspect of relationships, the lines of communication need to be open and as well the ability to comprimise on needs and wants.

[thetreble 19]

My fiance and I have sure had some long talks about finances and where the $$ will be going after I move, plus the wedding, plus being unemployed. Finances are definitely not an easy thing to talk about, and like someone else said the biggest reason for divorce.

Not to get off topic here - but I disagree with this. I think that the whole money issues and divorce are overstated. It's like any other thing that requires compromise and communication in a relationship.

I disagree too, trail, somewhat. Although, you've gotta make money to survive and if you have none, there is no surviving in this world we live in today.

You can't compromise on money you don't have. My soon to be sister in law has no job and no savings, not much to compromise on there you know?

But I do agree that I think it, at times, is overstated and some times underlying issues are much more prevalent in the break down then money.

[trailmix 77]

My fiance and I have sure had some long talks about finances and where the $$ will be going after I move, plus the wedding, plus being unemployed. Finances are definitely not an easy thing to talk about, and like someone else said the biggest reason for divorce.

Not to get off topic here - but I disagree with this. I think that the whole money issues and divorce are overstated. It's like any other thing that requires compromise and communication in a relationship.

I disagree too, trail, somewhat. Although, you've gotta make money to survive and if you have none, there is no surviving in this world we live in today.

You can't compromise on money you don't have. My soon to be sister in law has no job and no savings, not much to compromise on there you know?

But I do agree that I think it, at times, is overstated and some times underlying issues are much more prevalent in the break down then money.

Yeah, that's the kind of thing I mean. And while your soon to be SIL has no job and no savings, for your BIL that is a compromise. He knows her, if you know what I mean.

[thetreble 19]

Oh there is a compromise on his part to give her want she wants, but none of her side, and that's why it won't last. That's the kind of stuff you want to stay away from and if two, good, understanding, compassionate people get involved in a relationship, regardless of they have money or not, they will find a way to work it out usually.

[SapphireDreams 71]

Not to go completely off topic, but it's funny you say that about Compromise Amanda. Our priest told us that compromise should never be used in a marriage because it never works. One person always has to compromise and the other person reaps the benefits so it's never even and eventually things turn to ###### (he didn't use those words, LOL). I liked his advice on that, we don't make compromises, we agree on everything and everything is an even split, at least for now...seems to be working so far.

[The_Dude 1,142]

Mel and I had a similar situation. We knew from our first meeting that we were meant for each other. However, we did both have debts and made sure that we took care of them before we started the process. we argued quite a bit because we had to push back our filing date nearly 6 months because we hadn't paid off all her debts. I thought I had it all planned out. Things are still pretty tight with the AoS paymet, but I'm glad that we paid all credit card debts before we got married. It's hard enough on a newlywed couple, compounded with the restrictions and stress with immigration, there's no need to further complicate things by introducing debt and money squabbles into the scenario. Take a deep breath, step back, and seriously consider pushing back your date until you both are in a more stable financial position. I didn't see anything about why your SO is in financial hardship, but that is something that is important to the immigration process itself. So for you're peace of mind, and for the sake of strengthening your immigration case think about it.

[lgg 2]

I'll keep it short but it doesn't sound to me like you've known each other for too long -- this process is draining and difficult and in order to make it, I think, you have to have a pretty solid relationship underneath you, you know? My husband and I have been intertwined for 7 years almost and this step, though difficult is not really that much so compared to other things.

Also? I've been working 3 jobs and saving my butt off so that I could be a financial asset of sorts. I paid off all my debt and have amassed savings but it was a lot of work and did not happen over night.

Oh and the being treated like a princess thing? No. It's a relationship, you want to be treated fairly and with compassion and reciprocate in kind...

Good luck, think of how you'll deal with yourself and your situations, let him work out some of his and then hopefully, you can merge that into a good life together.

and FYI, you're never stuck anywhere, it's your choice to go where you will but you have just as much choice to come back.

Good luck...

[Misty1979 0]

I know the financial issues have already been covered quite a bit, but here's my two cents, and a bit of my backgroud as well, since my situation was quite similar to yours.

My husband and I met in Star Wars Galaxies, also an online game. We come from different ends of the spectrum when it comes to finances...I had next to no debt and always had savings somewhere just in case, whereas my husband had debts and obligations including child support in which he was struggling to pay. During our time apart, our only way to really bond with each other was gaming, so I can totally understand your fiance wanting to keep the WoW account going in order to maintain the small amount of bonding time you guys can really get together when living in different countries.

That being said....

From personal experience, it is very hard merging two completely different financial situations and priorities into one marriage. If you're 100% positive you want to marry this man, be prepared for a struggle. I'm not trying to scare you away from the idea of marriage, but I just want to be straight with you on what to expect. Financial irresponsibility is not something you can force someone to change....they have to want to fix this themselves, much like an addiction. I've learned this the hard way. My husband and I still struggle with money issues because one of us wants to spend money on acquiring things and going on excursions together, while the other one wants to pool money away for rainy days and pay down debts. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I still enjoy a great marriage, and I love him beyond words, but we still struggle to this day on agreeing where our money should go. Seems as how money is one of the top reasons for divorce these days, it's proof in itself as to how hard it is to settle different views on where your money should be spent.

If your fiance really wants to marry you, in my opinion, you two need to sit down and work out a budget together. As well, one or both of you may want to consider getting a part time job on top of what you have going on now, and whatever income comes from your extra work should be stored away in a saving account specifically designated for your K1 process. Your fiance also needs to realize the importance of putting money aside for the K1 process as it is only going to get worse, not better once you arrive and cannot work.

I hope I haven't given you a negative outlook on what your future beholds, I just wanted to give you a better idea of the reality of what you are most likely facing. Have a good long talk with your fiance about your financial priorities. Pour your heart out to him, and try to help him understand the importance of saving this money up now, your relationship will thank you for it if you can help him see the light. The situation isn't hopeless, but your fiance really needs a wake-up call and some motivation to help him help himself change his outlook and take on some responsibility.

I wish you all the best and you two are in my prayers

Edited July 16, 2009 by Misty1979