hurtful accusations

[sasha414 0]

"about his paycheck he gives it to his mom and until now that's what he do coz his mom asks for it and leaves us only an allowance.' OMG something is not right here sweetie, you and your husband need to get out of that house as fast as you can. sit your husband down and discuss it gently with him, i hope he will be willing enough to compromise with you and save your marriage.

[endoftheroad 1]

dontknow conversation with her husband:

DONTKNOW: Honey, we have been living with your mother for a long time now. You know how uncomfortable that is for us. I think it is time for us to make the move.

HUBBY: Yes it bothers me that this is not good for our married life.

DONTKNOW: My Aunt gave me the money so that we could get the AOS filed.

HUBBY: That is so fantastic!

DONTKNOW: So let's take this opportunity to find our own place.

HUBBY: Well I don't make that much money.

DONTKNOW: Tell you what, tomorrow you stop by the bank and open up your own account and start putting your paycheck into it every time.

HUBBY: But mom won't like that.

DONTKNOW: You know that we are adults and mom needs to let us handle our own business?

HUBBY: Well, yes.

DONTKNOW: Tell your mother that we are ready to do this and we are starting tomorrow. We will pay her rent with a check from your account. She trusts you to pay her right?

HUBBY: I think so, I give her my check every time now. She even keeps a lot of it in "savings" for us.

DONTKNOW: Ask her to write you a check for what we saved and you can put it in your account. She must not be on the account. You can ask the bank if your wife with my status can be on the account. It is me and you baby. Most people like us have a joint account.

HUBBY: So much to change so fast. How do we find a place to live that I can pay for?

DONTKNOW: Honey, I will live in a closet as long as you are there with me. There are many places to live. When I get a job then we can move to a better place. We should be on our own now, with our own bank account. Me and you.

Edited May 25, 2009 by usagroom

[trillium13 84]

i feel terrible. i can see that my husband doesn't have the courage to do what needs to be done.

I hope for your sake this isn't true, but it seems from what you've posted so far that it is. What is his take on all of this?? Who is more important to him, you or his mother? It should be you, now, he's grown up (in theory) and married. Time for him to take control of his own life!!

well i have been telling him that we need to move out and get a place of our own even if we would share it with a roommate. but he's telling me his salary wont make it, and we wait till i get a job. so that means dealing with the situation for 3 or 4 months more depends if i get a job soon after getting EAD.

You'd be surprised at what you can do on the salary of one person. My hubby hasn't been able to find a job yet, and we've been living on my salary alone for the last 8 months or so. Trust me, I don't make a lot at all, but we do ok. We'd love to have a better place, or do more things or whatever, but my point is that you can do what you put your mind to do. If it were me, I'd rather live my own life in my own place and eat ramen noodles, than live in the prison you're living in now. Just my 2 cents.

[sj5 4]

i feel terrible. i can see that my husband doesn't have the courage to do what needs to be done.

I hope for your sake this isn't true, but it seems from what you've posted so far that it is. What is his take on all of this?? Who is more important to him, you or his mother? It should be you, now, he's grown up (in theory) and married. Time for him to take control of his own life!!

well i have been telling him that we need to move out and get a place of our own even if we would share it with a roommate. but he's telling me his salary wont make it, and we wait till i get a job. so that means dealing with the situation for 3 or 4 months more depends if i get a job soon after getting EAD.

You'd be surprised at what you can do on the salary of one person. My hubby hasn't been able to find a job yet, and we've been living on my salary alone for the last 8 months or so. Trust me, I don't make a lot at all, but we do ok. We'd love to have a better place, or do more things or whatever, but my point is that you can do what you put your mind to do. If it were me, I'd rather live my own life in my own place and eat ramen noodles, than live in the prison you're living in now. Just my 2 cents.

I'd rather be with rats than having a bad day. At least, I can eliminate those pests.

[dontknow 1]

there's a development and i hope this will be it. we have talked and i was able to convince my husband that we really have to move out and be on our own. luckily we talked to a friend who knows our situation (also married) who happens to be looking for a house/apartment to move in and they agreed we become roommates for the meantime. i feel better knowing that he is taking actions. now the problem is the mom, i don't know what her reaction will be. should WE talk to her or i'll just let HIM?

[Saska+Tim 7]

there's a development and i hope this will be it. we have talked and i was able to convince my husband that we really have to move out and be on our own. luckily we talked to a friend who knows our situation (also married) who happens to be looking for a house/apartment to move in and they agreed we become roommates for the meantime. i feel better knowing that he is taking actions. now the problem is the mom, i don't know what her reaction will be. should WE talk to her or i'll just let HIM?

That is his mom, right?

So let him tell her, but be present so he doesn't change his mind, under his mom influence.

My parents had marriage lake yours. My grandmother was always between them. My father choose us a few mounts before he died. That was too late. I always loved my father, and 2 years after his death, still miss him badly, but I wish he was stronger.

[Brad and Vika 129]

You have got to get out from under (sounds like you know that already). The financial stuff is as important as the living arrangement IMO.

[GordonFreeman 0]

there's a development and i hope this will be it. we have talked and i was able to convince my husband that we really have to move out and be on our own. luckily we talked to a friend who knows our situation (also married) who happens to be looking for a house/apartment to move in and they agreed we become roommates for the meantime. i feel better knowing that he is taking actions. now the problem is the mom, i don't know what her reaction will be. should WE talk to her or i'll just let HIM?

You're asking that in a FORUM? Have some backbone, woman.

Why the #### should anyone talk to her? Just do whatever you have to do, you don't have to give her any satisfaction! You have your own damn family to worry about.

If he's a sissy boy and really needs to tell her, then be there! Do NOT let her talk to him without you present, and most likely tell him lies about you/poison your relationship. Be THERE and defend yourself if you need to.

I went through some heavy sh*t, but at least I showed a backbone, man. #######, it's like some people never really grow up, never realize parents are WRONG and PSYCHOTIC most of the time. They deserve respect, not BLIND OBEDIENCE. By respect i mean they deserve to be told to #### off if they step on the line. He's not being a good son, he's being a worthless sh*t. No offense girl, you know I'm right, deep inside.

Even if you're not taking advantage of him, people like him sometimes deserve to be taken advantage of. It's the only way some people learn. I'm sorry if I sound cruel. But seriously...

Edited May 25, 2009 by GordonFreeman

[Brad and Vika 129]

there's a development and i hope this will be it. we have talked and i was able to convince my husband that we really have to move out and be on our own. luckily we talked to a friend who knows our situation (also married) who happens to be looking for a house/apartment to move in and they agreed we become roommates for the meantime. i feel better knowing that he is taking actions. now the problem is the mom, i don't know what her reaction will be. should WE talk to her or i'll just let HIM?

You're asking that in a FORUM? Have some backbone, woman.

Why the #### should anyone talk to her? Just do whatever you have to do, you don't have to give her any satisfaction! You have your own damn family to worry about.

If he's a sissy boy and really needs to tell her, then be there! Do NOT let her talk to him without you present, and most likely tell him lies about you/poison your relationship. Be THERE and defend yourself if you need to.

I went through some heavy sh*t, but at least I showed a backbone, man. #######, it's like some people never really grow up, never realize parents are WRONG and PSYCHOTIC most of the time. They deserve respect, not BLIND OBEDIENCE. By respect i mean they deserve to be told to #### off if they step on the line. He's not being a good son, he's being a worthless sh*t. No offense girl, you know I'm right, deep inside.

Even if you're not taking advantage of him, people like him sometimes deserve to be taken advantage of. It's the only way some people learn. I'm sorry if I sound cruel. But seriously...

Careful with this. If MIL has control of the finances, she will have to be involved at some point. Get control of your money first, then do what you want.

[trillium13 84]

there's a development and i hope this will be it. we have talked and i was able to convince my husband that we really have to move out and be on our own. luckily we talked to a friend who knows our situation (also married) who happens to be looking for a house/apartment to move in and they agreed we become roommates for the meantime. i feel better knowing that he is taking actions. now the problem is the mom, i don't know what her reaction will be. should WE talk to her or i'll just let HIM?

It's good that you were able to talk to him. I hope he comes through for you. I don't think it's about talking to her per se, it's not like she's involved in the decision, right? It's just about TELLING her that you have your own lives and it's time for you to GTFO of that house. He does need to have a backbone, and stick to his guns and just tell her, that's it. The FIRST thing he needs to do is to start hanging on to his OWN paychecks! That whole allowance thing is beyond ridiculous.

I really hope this works out for you.

[Kiv 32]

there's a development and i hope this will be it. we have talked and i was able to convince my husband that we really have to move out and be on our own. luckily we talked to a friend who knows our situation (also married) who happens to be looking for a house/apartment to move in and they agreed we become roommates for the meantime. i feel better knowing that he is taking actions. now the problem is the mom, i don't know what her reaction will be. should WE talk to her or i'll just let HIM?

I would say be present while he talks with his mother, I am assuming you guys are young. Even if you live in a small studio, things will be fine, not all of us have it easy when just married, is just a temporary situation. Things will get better.

[bhajishah 4]

she prob dont like any woman in jrs life american or foreign . have a baby that will get her goat. Momma need to get a life

[dontknow 1]

we are definitely moving out. but MIL was once again telling me that if ever i hurt her son or ruin his son's life, i will pay her either with my life or my family's life. she told me that she knows where my family is. i can't take what she was telling me. all i was thinking was to just leave and go back home. she had other issues about me like: i should do everything in the house and not let his son do anything since he is the one working, i couldn't understand this since i now do everything in the house( cook, clean our room, the kitchen and the bathroom, do the dishes, laundry, take the trash out, fold his clothes and do what i can still do) and im not complaining i'm doing that. there was one incident that i was cleaning, and i needed help to move the couches in the living room so i asked my husband to help but instead he was mad at me for asking him do that, we argued about that and his mom came to the rescue. asking what has happened and so i told her. i thought that was all over, now she is using that against me, she asks me why do i let her son do these things. i couldn't believe it, i just needed help, is that wrong? that was what i told her. i dont know what has come to this woman's mind. she's like saying that i am making her son a slave, which is not entirely true. when he comes home from work, he does nothing and on his days off he does nothing. so am i making him a slave? she mentioned a lot of things, like she saw signs that i dont really care about his son, that we fight a lot(we argue because we don't agree on some things) and i think its normal because we are still two individual with different opinions. that i am not happy with what i am doing here because if i am i would not want to work outside and file AOS right away. i am affected even if i want to ignore it. i am just thinking of going home than be here and go through all this. but one thing that is keeping me here is my husband. we want to save our marriage. i just couldn't take all what MIL is saying. i am sorry for posting here everytime and i thank all of u for giving insights about all of this. all i can do is prove her wrong which will take time.

[Old Dominion 26]

It is the responsibility of the husband in our culture to help with the housework, or at least to do the heavy lifting whenever needed. If he got upset that you asked for that kind of help, then he has a serious problem that won't be resolved easily. Pay no attention to the MIL, but do pay attention to that attitude of his. She is a gasbag when it comes to being able to carry out such threats.

Good luck!

[sasha414 0]

It is the responsibility of the husband in our culture to help with the housework, or at least to do the heavy lifting whenever needed. If he got upset that you asked for that kind of help, then he has a serious problem that won't be resolved easily. Pay no attention to the MIL, but do pay attention to that attitude of his. She is a gasbag when it comes to being able to carry out such threats.

Good luck!

i agree . if your husband got upset when you asked for his help, then you have a lot of red flags going on.