Is my husband being unreasonable?

[WhidbeyGirl 1]

I suggest you read this article by Dennis Prager. He tells it from a man's point of view.

http://townhall.com/columnists/DennisPrage...the_mood_part_i

I call bullcrap on that "article".

Totally disagree with you. The article was good and very informative.

[srogue 0]

Just to clarify, i am not a troll. I just really need some help/advice.

I am in a difficult situation and would appreciate some help, i have decided to post here as i don't want to involve family in case this is all sorted and they hold a grudge against my husband.

I met my husband 2.5years ago online. I travelled back and forth 4 times a year to visit, normally for 3weeks at a time.

We decided we wanted to be together and the only way was to do the K1 visa and marry.

I entered the US early Feb 2009, and we married within a month of me being here. We found out shortly after the wedding that i was pregnant and had convceived when i came over to visit Christmas. Although shocked we were both happy.

Since the wedding though my husband (USC) has changed.

He feels that it is a wifes duty to have sex with her husband whenever he wants, regardless of if she is in the mood or not. If i say no he always comes back with 'do you not love me anymore?', 'Do you not fancy me anymore?' or 'are you cheating on me?' (he has been cheated on in the past)

He then proceeds to try and get me to have sex by constantly pestering me...this is a major turn-off and does not have the desired effect.

He then sulks and refuses to speak to me.

On his days off from work he wants to be with me constantly, and stifles me as he follows me around wanting to be kissed and cuddled all the time.

Don't get me wrong i love my husband, but i don't feel the need to live in his pocket all the time and i do need my own space...found it easier to breathe when he's not trying to hug me to death.

After another row last night over not wanting sex and my inability to perform when he wanted it, he said that he wants a DNA test done on the baby as he refuses to put his name to the birth certificate as he thinks i must have cheated on him and thats why i don't want to be with him in bed.

The baby was conceived in December, when i was over here for the entire month, and i definately haven't cheated....so having the test causes me no concerns.

Before we married none of the above was EVER mentioned and he was happy or appeared to be in our relationship.

I just wanted to have some un-biased opinions from people who don't know either of us.

Is this normal, and a cultural difference (hadn't realised there would be such a difference between American/European Christians), is is something i have to put up with?

Are we casualties of this visa system and having to marry before we had lived together and really got to know one another?

I don't want to just give up, but my husband refuses to compromise on his views. The house we live in I own outright, but he likes to keep reminding me that he is the one that has to go out to work to feed us so i should put up with whatever.

I suggest you both go find a good Christian counselor. Many here will give you advise from a non-Christian perspective, but noting that you said you were Christians, i would suggest it. The Bible does say that it the role of a husband OR a wife to have relations with their spouse. The Bible states that a husband's body is no longer his own, but his wife's and visa versa. This doesn't mean you or he can have sex on demand, but that in a general sense you shouldn't deny him sex for long periods of time, and also the husband, if he loves you, will sacrifice for you, including giving up sex on days you don't feel like having sex. However, if a spouse were to deny their partner sex for weeks at a time, then that is a real issue and a counselor should be involved.

I certainly hope you dont divorce over such an issue, as you can choose to love someone, even if they are acting unloveable, that is what unconditional love is, and I thought that was what marriage was supposed to be about. Only knowing your side of things, and not his, I can't say things for certain, but it does sound like he needs to grow up and become a real husband to you.

I wish you both the best.

[D&R 0]

To me... it just sounds like h e's being a typical red blooded male. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's what guys are like. We like sex and want it alot, and sulk if we can't get it. Yeah, it's a bit unreasonable, and in a perfect world it wouldn't happen.... but I'm sure all women complain about the same thing.

[Emancipation 2]

To me... it just sounds like h e's being a typical red blooded male. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's what guys are like. We like sex and want it alot, and sulk if we can't get it. Yeah, it's a bit unreasonable, and in a perfect world it wouldn't happen.... but I'm sure all women complain about the same thing.

The difference being this.. a GROWN UP realizes that they can't always get what they want...a BOY complains and wines and has a temper tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants.

to the OP.. A long time ago I married a man (not my current husband) that sounded exactly like your husband.. his demands for sex soon turned into demands about time, friendships, finances, etc. and before I knew it I was in a highly abusive situation and his "solution" for me not "obeying" him was to beat me. I'm not saying this is where your relationship is going but there are men around who feel that once they get a ring on a woman's finger she becomes "property" to him and that opens the door to him treating her as an object, not as a thinking, feeling being. Arm yourself with the signs of abuse, seek help for you as a couple and be safe. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_v...fects.htm#signs

[Doctor J 0]

I suggest you read this article by Dennis Prager. He tells it from a man's point of view.

http://townhall.com/columnists/DennisPrage...the_mood_part_i

I think part 1 and Part 2 of that article has some really good perspectives on the males point of view of things. I see a lot of modern women on here talking about "you don't have to do what you don't want to and all that." But just remember a marriage is about compromise...BOTH parties have to be willing to make changes. Trust me a lot of women would love to have an affectionate man like yours...enjoy it while it last.....because once the "honeymoon" phase wears off you'll probably be posting...my husband is not affectionate anymore posts. I would just say if you continue rejecting him and he continues to feel rejected then that will just create more problems. Just be wise about it....I know you not going to be in the mood all the time..just consider what message continuously rejecting your husband sends to him. That is why he is asking if you love him, are you cheating, etc. Every man would wonder the same thing if his wife refuses sex to him on a constant basis. Now when you REALLY have to worry is when you deny him and he is like "ok" and it does not bother him anymore. That is what you will create if he continues to feel rejected. Because that is when he is going to have the wondering eye....men's hormones are WAYYY different than woman....our hormones have NOTHING to do with feelings, love or emotions (although they can be when we are in love as your husband is with you). That is why a man can have sex with a woman and have no feelings whatsoever about it at all.....these are natural GOD given desires that men have and if we were not given these desires the world would be under-populated.

So you have 2 choices:

1. Listen to all the other modern women on here and "Don't do nothing you don't want because its YOUR body."

or

2. Really sit down and have some serious conversations with your husband about how this situation makes him feel....how it makes YOU feel....and come up with some kind of compromise like 2 married adults.

[Kar98 0]

To me... it just sounds like h e's being a typical red blooded male. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's what guys are like.

No. No, we're not.

We like sex and want it alot, and sulk if we can't get it.

Acceptable in one's teens and twenties, where sex is a pastime. Not acceptable for adult couples in a true relationship based on love and respect, where sex is a way to express such love and respect in the most intimate way possible.

I'm paleo-conservative in many ways, but I do think that real relationship is not based on sex, but on mutual love and respect between equal partners. I'm most certainly not one of them modern femimale metrosexual guys, but I've got all the "OMG must #### something now or my balls'll fall off" out of my system decades ago

Edited May 22, 2009 by Kar98

[msdelila 1]

I'm confused. When a guy with the user name cool wrote a thread about feeling like a slave, some members felt he was a troll. But now that it's a female writting that just joined, no one mentioned that she could be a troll? This is just an observation and by no means ment to offend anybody.

Nothing in this story "smells" like troll work.

If you notice in the other one, "cool" only responds to people giving "positive" feedback, not negative.

And he hasn't answered any of the pointed questions posed, whereas this poster is.

I could be wrong - and they are all "trolls' - I basically leave the thread when good advice is given, and the person keeps looking for more...

Sorry, what's a troll?

[Kar98 0]

Sorry, what's a troll?

A posting on the Internet intended to provoke an indignant response in the reader. From the fishing technique of trailing a baited line along behind a boat. Not related to the mythical being of ugly appearance.

[jundp 191]

He's being a douchewaffle on all accounts.

Best word of the day!

To the OP: It sounds like there's a great deal of insecurity going on with your husband and maybe your pregnancy is exacerbating those feelings? If you are newly married and pregnant maybe he has some fear that you will forget about him and put the baby first?

Note: am not a man so I am totally projecting ideas here.

Good luck.

[C&D 0]

I suggest you read this article by Dennis Prager. He tells it from a man's point of view.

http://townhall.com/columnists/DennisPrage...the_mood_part_i

I think part 1 and Part 2 of that article has some really good perspectives on the males point of view of things. I see a lot of modern women on here talking about "you don't have to do what you don't want to and all that." But just remember a marriage is about compromise...BOTH parties have to be willing to make changes. Trust me a lot of women would love to have an affectionate man like yours...enjoy it while it last.....because once the "honeymoon" phase wears off you'll probably be posting...my husband is not affectionate anymore posts. I would just say if you continue rejecting him and he continues to feel rejected then that will just create more problems. Just be wise about it....I know you not going to be in the mood all the time..just consider what message continuously rejecting your husband sends to him. That is why he is asking if you love him, are you cheating, etc. Every man would wonder the same thing if his wife refuses sex to him on a constant basis. Now when you REALLY have to worry is when you deny him and he is like "ok" and it does not bother him anymore. That is what you will create if he continues to feel rejected. Because that is when he is going to have the wondering eye....men's hormones are WAYYY different than woman....our hormones have NOTHING to do with feelings, love or emotions (although they can be when we are in love as your husband is with you). That is why a man can have sex with a woman and have no feelings whatsoever about it at all.....these are natural GOD given desires that men have and if we were not given these desires the world would be under-populated.

So you have 2 choices:

1. Listen to all the other modern women on here and "Don't do nothing you don't want because its YOUR body."

or

2. Really sit down and have some serious conversations with your husband about how this situation makes him feel....how it makes YOU feel....and come up with some kind of compromise like 2 married adults.

I agree with Doctor J's point of you (except for the 'hormones have nothing to do with feelings' part; men are not animals for god's sake!).

To the OP: You're married now. It's not about YOU anymore, it's about your marriage, and making your partner happy. Just talk to him about it and don't forget to listen to what he has to say. Respect his feelings as much as you want him to respect yours.

Get some counselling if that can help... And have a good time!!!

[lost&lonely 0]

I spoke with my husband last night about us getting counselling...this was a definate no go as far as he was concerned as 'he doesn't have a problem'. Although he has asked if i will go to anger management classes to try and stop my unreasonable behaviour!

We seemed to take 2 steps forward and 1 backwards when we were talking last night, it ended up with him screaming & shouting at me, although i must admit by that time i wasn't as calm as i should have been!

He does have an issue with the baby 'you will have even less time for me when the babies born'. But another of his problems is when i get homesick 'i don't see why you're homesick you have me, surely that's enough?' apparently i am acting like a child who has been put into day-care, i cry but if i'm ignored i will get over it!!!

He wasn't in the line when sensitivity was handed out!

So thank you all for the responses good or bad. I guess i have to keep trying and see if things improve if not im going to get myself on a plane home.

Edited May 22, 2009 by lost&lonely

[wowswift 3]

tell him the counseling will help your relationship and it isn't him that has a couple, its you both have a problem as a couple. maybe then he won't think its all his problem. sounds like his isn't willing to contribute to a better relationship if he is unwilling to even try counseling

[rin and john 71]

I suggest you read this article by Dennis Prager. He tells it from a man's point of view.

http://townhall.com/columnists/DennisPrage...the_mood_part_i

I call bullcrap on that "article".

Totally disagree with you. The article was good and very informative.

Agree with you. For the most part the article is spot-on. One of the best relationship books I have ever read was "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley. Lists the top five needs for men and top five for women. The first need for women is affection; for men it is sexual fulfillment. The divorce courts are full of men and women who don't meet the basic needs of their spouse and believe these needs are unimportant.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mb...0_needstoc.html

Table of Contents

1. How Affair-proof Is Your Marriage?
2. Why Your Love Bank Never Closes
3. The First Thing She Can't Do Without - Affection
4. The First Thing He Can't Do Without - Sexual Fulfillment
5. She Needs Him to Talk to Her - Conversation
6. He Needs Her to Be His Playmate - Recreational Companionship
7. She Needs to Trust Him Totally - Honesty and Openness
8. He Needs a Good-looking Wife - An Attractive Spouse
9. She Needs Enough Money to Live Comfortably
10. He needs Peace and Quite - Domestic Support
11. She Needs Him to Be a Good Father - Family Support
12. He Needs Her to Be Proud of Him - Admiration
13. How to Survive an Affair
14. From Incompatible to Irresistible

Edited May 22, 2009 by rin and john

[Doctor J 0]

I agree with Doctor J's point of you (except for the 'hormones have nothing to do with feelings' part; men are not animals for god's sake!).

Like I said,.......women don't understand...nothing to do with animals or being an animal.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

I suggest you read this article by Dennis Prager. He tells it from a man's point of view.

http://townhall.com/columnists/DennisPrage...the_mood_part_i

I think part 1 and Part 2 of that article has some really good perspectives on the males point of view of things. I see a lot of modern women on here talking about "you don't have to do what you don't want to and all that." But just remember a marriage is about compromise...BOTH parties have to be willing to make changes. Trust me a lot of women would love to have an affectionate man like yours...enjoy it while it last.....because once the "honeymoon" phase wears off you'll probably be posting...my husband is not affectionate anymore posts. I would just say if you continue rejecting him and he continues to feel rejected then that will just create more problems. Just be wise about it....I know you not going to be in the mood all the time..just consider what message continuously rejecting your husband sends to him. That is why he is asking if you love him, are you cheating, etc. Every man would wonder the same thing if his wife refuses sex to him on a constant basis. Now when you REALLY have to worry is when you deny him and he is like "ok" and it does not bother him anymore. That is what you will create if he continues to feel rejected. Because that is when he is going to have the wondering eye....men's hormones are WAYYY different than woman....our hormones have NOTHING to do with feelings, love or emotions (although they can be when we are in love as your husband is with you). That is why a man can have sex with a woman and have no feelings whatsoever about it at all.....these are natural GOD given desires that men have and if we were not given these desires the world would be under-populated.

So you have 2 choices:

1. Listen to all the other modern women on here and "Don't do nothing you don't want because its YOUR body."

or

2. Really sit down and have some serious conversations with your husband about how this situation makes him feel....how it makes YOU feel....and come up with some kind of compromise like 2 married adults.

What kind of a "Dr." are you????? your comments are so sexist they are not funny.

Also, what the heck does "god" have to do with the inscriptions for reproduction? And how so, according to you, are such desires given to "men" but not "women".

Welcome to the 21st century: women have sexual desires; and they have not a darn thing to do with procreation.