A cautionary tale?

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I am so sorry for your problems, and believe me, I do understand some of what you went through. I too was a strong and independent woman when I moved here. I had lived on my own and supported myself for 48 years, had a job I loved, had a life I loved with good friends and activities that filled my hours. I gave all of that up for my husband. I have found myself changing from the strong and independent woman I was always busy and never bored to one with very little to motivate me in my life. I love being here, I love being with my husband, but I also still mourn the life I left behind when I moved here. There were definitely times when I came very close to packing it in and going back home. This past winter I experienced serious depression caused by what is missing from my life rather than what I have. It has passed, fortunately, but the memories are still very raw. Depression is serious and you need to deal with it. For me, my salvation was that I brought my cats and my belongings with me. They have provided a sense of continuity and stability from my old life into my new. If I had to leave all of those behind, well, I don't think I would have come.

Good luck to you. If there is a chance, perhaps your husband can consider relocating to Australia?

Edited May 4, 2009 by Kathryn41

[tallcoolone 102]

This whole visa process can be very depressing at times, I've experienced it often myself. Why couldnt your husband move to your country with you? Was he not willing to make that sacrifice for you? Let me tell you, I will gladly move to Nigeria to live with my husband if for some reason he were not able to obtain a visa, or couldnt manage himself here, that's the true testiment of love. So many people are'nt willing to move out of there comfort zone to help the relationship. I can imagine that for people who are not well traveled, or open minded could have a major problem moving to a new country and adapting to a new culture. God bless you both dear

Some people can't move to Fiance home country to live cuz there is no work there........

i think those issues should be greatly considerd before entering into marriage

We did. Our Gameplan is:

Work in USA for about 5 more years and I will move to PI and retire and Live like a King, and my wife will work 6 months in USA and then spend 6 months in PI with me

[jundp 191]

We did. Our Gameplan is:

Work in USA for about 5 more years and I will move to PI and retire and Live like a King, and my wife will work 6 months in USA and then spend 6 months in PI with me

So you will retire to the Phils and "live like a king" and your wife will continue to work in the USA? And you'll only spend 6 months a year together?

[vny 0]

I am so sorry for your problems, and believe me, I do understand some of what you went through. I too was a strong and independent woman when I moved here. I had lived on my own and supported myself for 48 years, had a job I loved, had a life I loved with good friends and activities that filled my hours. I gave all of that up for my husband. I have found myself changing from the strong and independent woman I was always busy and never bored to one with very little to motivate me in my life. I love being here, I love being with my husband, but I also still mourn the life I left behind when I moved here. There were definitely times when I came very close to packing it in and going back home. This past winter I experienced serious depression caused by what is missing from my life rather than what I have. It has passed, fortunately, but the memories are still very raw. Depression is serious and you need to deal with it. For me, my salvation was that I brought my cats and my belongings with me. They have provided a sense of continuity and stability from my old life into my new. If I had to leave all of those behind, well, I don't think I would have come.

Good luck to you. If there is a chance, perhaps your husband can consider relocating to Australia?

Hi all,

I too am sorry to hear this story and I wish you the best. I still believe all things happen for a reason and some day you may find out what that reason is.

But I am the USC and my wife is from Japan. We have visited each other back and forth before we got married. Then while we were applying for the Visa, she came to stay here for 3 months (VWP). But she is now back in Japan awaiting her interview in June. And like you both, she was/is really independant and had a full life in Japan. I had always noticed this because she would always be busy and telling me that she will meet her friends for this and that afterwork or on weekends. So I've always asked her if she really really thinks she can live here because to me it seemed like she would be leaving a lot behind. And she keeps telling me yes, but sometimes I wonder. I know she will be giving up a lot to be here with me.

When we were together for the three months, of course she couldn't work, but she would clean out the house, throwing out my stuff (lol), but then she would go out running, all while I was at work. But we enjoyed our evenings and weekends together. She does have a couple of friends here, but she only met with them a couple of times in the three months. She says she wants to work when she gets here and that is fine with me. I have also been trying to find a job in Japan too, with no luck so far.

Well, anyway, so my question would be, what would you folks suggest so that she would not fall into the same trap/situation as you folks mention. I think that had been more of a worry for me than for her up to now, and her being here only 3 months won't really show the effects of normal day-to-day living. We do like to do things together and share a lot of interests. But I hope that she can adopt this place as her new home. We do plan to take trips back to Japan occasionally, as her parents are there and aging too. And I would be willing to move there too if I could find a job (because I still have to pay child support).

So any of your thoughts on that would be really helpful.

Thanks,

vny

[map1map 3]

We did. Our Gameplan is:

Work in USA for about 5 more years and I will move to PI and retire and Live like a King, and my wife will work 6 months in USA and then spend 6 months in PI with me

So you will retire to the Phils and "live like a king" and your wife will continue to work in the USA? And you'll only spend 6 months a year together?

In 5 years, his wife is going to be a citizen too. Good luck with that game plan!

To the original poster, wishing you all the best!

[ellmvl 1]

I truly understand how you feel because I've been through with that kind of situation before with my past relationship. When i finished my college everyone had this high expectations that i will have a very successful career in the future, that i will find a great job etc. But due to the employment problem here in my country, it makes it so impossible to find a job that is suitable to my degree. Until i met my ex and he told me not to worry about finding a job coz he can provide for us etc. After a long time of being stuck at home i started to lose my self esteem and feeling so insecure which led to jealousy, unhappy and broken relationship. When I met my husband he helped me get through that self-pity. He give me confidence when i was applying for a job and since i started working i feel happy for myself and more confident. Now i dont have to be left worry at home wondering what my husband is doing when he's not home etc. LoL that was an ugly feeling for sure.

Anyway, i really wish and pray that your story will have a happy ending. But the most important thing right now is that you regain your self-esteem, be happy about yourself...then maybe that will lead you a great decision. Yes pray as what most people say. Just open yourself to things that makes you happy and open your heart for whenever the love of your life will come and take you back...thats if he still the happiness in your heart. Keep smiling and tell yourself in the mirror "I am beautiful"

[It's me 1]

This whole visa process can be very depressing at times, I've experienced it often myself. Why couldnt your husband move to your country with you? Was he not willing to make that sacrifice for you? Let me tell you, I will gladly move to Nigeria to live with my husband if for some reason he were not able to obtain a visa, or couldnt manage himself here, that's the true testiment of love. So many people are'nt willing to move out of there comfort zone to help the relationship. I can imagine that for people who are not well traveled, or open minded could have a major problem moving to a new country and adapting to a new culture. God bless you both dear

Some people can't move to Fiance home country to live cuz there is no work there........

i think those issues should be greatly considerd before entering into marriage

We did. Our Gameplan is:

Work in USA for about 5 more years and I will move to PI and retire and Live like a King, and my wife will work 6 months in USA and then spend 6 months in PI with me

cool

[Jon&Lindsey 0]

I'm really sorry for what you've been through. I understand, as before I came here I was a professional with my own business, and now it has taken me close to 18 months to go through all the exams I need to pass in order to have a professional license here, even though I have 3 degrees in my field from one of the top universities in my country. It is so easy to become depressed and feel like you have lost everything that made you 'you'. I was offered two great jobs here, but couldn't take them as I didn't have the right piece of paper to get the license. I definitely wanted to leave numerous times because I couldn't take who I had become (just the housewife who stayed home all day with no friends) and deal with the frustration of having clients asking for me in the UK, when I was stuck sitting in the house in the US.

For preventing the situation, all I could suggest is to file AOS ASAP, so you have the EAD/GC to work (and can visit home without issues), and investigating the work situation thoroughly before you arrive to make sure that you will at least be qualified to do a similar job in the US - maybe there are ways you can start preparing for that now, like taking exams for professional equivalency, getting degrees 'translated' into US qualifications, etc. Otherwise, volunteer work, anything to get you out of the house. Try and get a driving license ASAP too, so you have independence and feel like a 'real person'. For the USC, just try not to take it personally that your spouse is having difficulty adjusting - it doesn't mean they don't love you, but unfortunately love alone is not enough to make someone happy and that is not your fault. The immigrant SO doesn't *want* to be unhappy and can't just 'snap out of it' - believe me, we would if we could! OP, I'm glad you are feeling better and hope you can rebuild your life.

[sasha414 0]

this must be one of the most emotionally charged posts ive read, im so sorry this has happened to you. i wish you the best and i pray things will fall into place.

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

I, too, am very sorry to hear this. I can understand how hard it was for you.

The same thing just about happened to me. Not too long before receiving his green card, my husband blurted out--completely out of the blue--that he was extremely unhappy in the U.S. and missed his home so much, and had made a decision that he was going to move back to Canada...permanently. He said it wasn't because he didn't love me. He said he just wasn't strong enough to do this--to leave his family and everything he knew behind to come and start a new life.

I dealt with it all wrong. I was furious. I screamed at him. I cursed him out. I grabbed my car keys and screeched out of the driveway--and didn't come home for a long time. I cried. I begged and pleaded with him. I called every single member of his family and bawled. I would come home from work and walk right past him into our bedroom, slam the door, and sleep for hours. I was a complete, heartbroken mess.

Finally--somehow--after a lot of time, we were able to sit down with each other and see the error of our ways. He had withheld his feelings from me for months out of guilt and fear of my reaction. I went on a rampage, which totally validated his fear.

We did get through it and are still together. When he got his green card, he went back on a three week trip to Canada. He's there right now and will be back in two weeks.

I won't lie--things aren't perfect. I hate the fact that he's in Canada and not here with me right now. It is so hard not to take it personally and feel like a big failure. He tells me that he gave up everything in his life to come down here and be with me, but sometimes I feel like he forgets that I radically altered my life, too, to be with him. I scraped together enough savings to buy a house for us--that was no easy feat, at age 23. I have postponed going to law school so I can help him adjust to life in the U.S. Heck, I drove through flooded, debris-filled roads to get him to a house with electricity the day after Hurricane Ike. I've done a lot of uncomfortable, scary, difficult things for him, too. It's easy to forget the other half of the struggle in the midst of being homesick.

I know everything will be fine between me and my husband. I know this happened for a reason, and when he comes back from Canada, I know our relationship will not be the same. It will have changed and grown as a result of this disaster. We are now able to talk to each other more honestly, more openly, and with love and compassion instead of fear and rage. I will never react the way I did to his homesickness, ever again. He will never hide his feelings from me the way he did. We are able to trust each other more now, to talk to each other without fearing each others' reactions.

I am honestly not sure there's any way to avoid this sort of situation. It's like trying to avoid having a tornado or an earthquake hit your home--you just can't. If it doesn't hit you, you're just really, really lucky. What you can do is prepare yourself--how are you going to react if it happens to you?

[Chocolot 0]

So many of your comments resonate. I don't think it is an overstatement to say this journey has given me the most joy but also the most heartache. To give up everything for love sounds like a cliche.... until you live it!

I can't wait until the time comes for me to return to my real home, yet in no way does this belittle the feelings I have for my husband.

I wish you all the best and hope you continue to heal and find lasting happiness

[tallcoolone 102]

this must be one of the most emotionally charged posts ive read, im so sorry this has happened to you. i wish you the best and i pray things will fall into place.

I think it's a Troll................

[map1map 3]

I think it's a Troll................

That would be disgusting:)

[cEzYcHiC 0]

I'm actually feeling the same thing that you had been through right now.

I fear that our marriage would end up like you guys had.

I'm crossing my fingers that I could get a job or anything that would make me busy while mu hubby is away for work.

Thanks for sharing your story..

[Old Dominion 26]

I'm in a situation where my husband retires in 2 1/2 years and hasn't been giving me an answer when I ask him if he would consider retiring to my old country so I can help my aging parents and be there for my granddaughter who is currently 19 months old. He has no kids from a previous marriage, his mother is 79 years old (not in great shape) and he's not close to his brothers or nieces. Decisions decisions.

I'd bet he'd be more open to the idea if Canada didn't tax his retirement income and social security. Taxes are kinda punitive up there.