Spouses going home to visit and coming home different

[Kenza 1]

Yes, i'm interested in reading more about this, too.

My husband came last July. He misses home immensely, but still doesn't have the Morocco-is-better thing. i am encouraging him to take a trip home this summer, but he is reluctant to go back. i won't be able to go with him this time, but i worry that if he doesn't take the opportunity this summer, it will be a long time without seeing his family.

i'm worried though... i'm worried he'll come back and realize that i kinda stink at being a good wife--i mean, i can't do half the stuff the women at home do, in terms of being a good Muslim and cook really yummy food and all that good stuff.

I always beat myself up over that lol because I definitely can't cook as good as them, clean every day (sorry we don't have a maid!) and as far as being a good Muslim, I think she was trying to say that in Morocco it's easier to do the 5 prayers on time for example whereas here in the US most of the time it's difficult with work etc. My husband alhamdoliallah has been going to school and supporting himself while in France so with the American dream aspect I don't think he will have a problem and he misses Morocco but he'd rather be with me

[childress_london 3]

But, what I think was the real question (at least in my mind) is that your spouse after having lived in the U.S. maybe had changed some ways of thinking, some habits, etc, to be more western. Then they go home for a visit and when they come back, they have picked back up some of the things from home (even if only temporarily).

[Aymsgirl 0]

I want to thank everybody who contributed to this topic. I didn't elaborate at first on it because I wanted to see what kind of reactions I was getting. I didn't want to just focus on the negatives or the positives so please excuse me for not going into more detail in the beginning.

As some of you know my husband went home to Egypt for two months. He was very very excited about going home, visiting his sons, his family and friends. I spoke to him after the first week almost every day and he seemed to have missed myself, our son and our home. When it was time for him to come home he told me the day before he left he felt satisfied with his visit and was looking forward to coming home. He arrived home and seemed to be himself for a few days. Then the phone calls started coming in from home and he started missing Egypt. He was faced with looking for a job and did find one after a few weeks cleaning at a hotel. I believe this hurt his pride a little bit going alone with what somebody else said about I will do what I have to, to get by but it's an entirely different story when you are faced with it. Well, it was an ego buster going from attorney to housekeeper.

He now only watches Arabic tv, listens to Arabic music, does not socialize with anybody except Arabic people outside of the home because he isolates himself. Everybody has noticed the difference in him. He tends to argue with me over little things that he normally would have let go over his shoulder. He has been very stubborn (which he always has been) but to the point of possibly taking a job that would separate us and put him in possible life threatening position for money to "support" his and our family. I don't agree with it and think that my opinion should matter especially when this changes our family dynamics.

Please no husband bashing here. Inside of him is my man, the one I fell in love with. I just need to know how to deal with him and bring him back to me. I love him with all of my might but need suggestions on how to help him get back to how he was before he left. I just pray that God will guide us through this hard time and His will, will be done.

Again, thank you for your responses.

[Donna A 4]

my husband has never left for a big amount of time...i think 2 weeks was the longest and every time he goes he gets sick one way or another so he dont feel well when he is there so he really dont have time to change.

i know when he goes and i talk to him on the phone he complains alot about things there. like last time, he went and his mom had a heart attack. he was mad cuz they "move too slow" at the hospitals and he had to get on them to get anything done for her. so his statement when i called was "things went from bad to worse here" but when he got back to the states he said "wow the medical system really got good there since ive been away". i remind him how thats not what he said a week ago and he said, well maybe i was under stress. its almost like he was a totally differnt person.

i know now tho he dont talk all the time about going back there to live. he finally got over that and accepted his life is here now.

[Sandrila 1]

I just would like to reinerate again how much I treasure this site and being able to talk candidly with all you

wonderful women about all our very unique and sometimes surprisingly similiar experiences.

Tasha

I often worry about what lies ahead.

I can tell you, after nearly 6 months here, hubby is in the America is better than Morocco phase.

Missing family and friends and but anticipating the time when we go to visit next year.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Tasha, has he looked into taking paralegal courses, at least part time? Being a paralegal is in no way as glamourous as being an attorney, but hey I actually have a life, while my associate friends do not, lol.

It may help him to be working towards a goal, even if slowly. If he simply sees it that he'll be working dead end jobs his entire time in the US, that's pretty darn depressing. But if he's working towards getting a better job in the future, maybe it will help.

Re: wanting to leave to find a better job, I think this is very common amongst egyptian men. AbuS has spoken about doing this often, but thankfully has stayed put so far. His father did the same thing - he worked in Saudi Arabia for years, and the family only lived there for a year or 2. The rest of the time, they were back in Egypt and his dad only visited a few times a year. So long as the family is supported, it doesn't matter if the husband/father is around. The money should be sufficient. Of course, we don't see it that way here, but you know egyptian men, stubborn they are.

[Aymsgirl 0]

Tasha, has he looked into taking paralegal courses, at least part time? Being a paralegal is in no way as glamourous as being an attorney, but hey I actually have a life, while my associate friends do not, lol.

It may help him to be working towards a goal, even if slowly. If he simply sees it that he'll be working dead end jobs his entire time in the US, that's pretty darn depressing. But if he's working towards getting a better job in the future, maybe it will help.

Re: wanting to leave to find a better job, I think this is very common amongst egyptian men. AbuS has spoken about doing this often, but thankfully has stayed put so far. His father did the same thing - he worked in Saudi Arabia for years, and the family only lived there for a year or 2. The rest of the time, they were back in Egypt and his dad only visited a few times a year. So long as the family is supported, it doesn't matter if the husband/father is around. The money should be sufficient. Of course, we don't see it that way here, but you know egyptian men, stubborn they are.

I have tried to encourage him to do this. At first he was talking about it and that was the plan either law school, paralegal or IT. Then he went home to EG and came back so different and it was like it was out of the question. He's so wishy washy anymore and very unwilling to discuss the other job with me at all. It's like I have no say in my own family dynamic here.

Also, I will add that he had stated something to the extent of I can't tell my sons that I clean hotel rooms. I am encouraging them to be professionals and I am doing this? I told him in EG they have big issues that they need to take care of. It's like if you are an Enginner, Doctor or Lawyer your poop doesn't stink! I told him the people like that need a Holy check because God didn't make us to think we were better than others like some of them do.

Edited April 28, 2009 by Aymsgirl

[Melly 2 0]

I haven't dealt with this issue and don't have any advice, just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope that things will get back to "normal" soon for you, or that you find something that works for both of you. You can get through this, and remember God is there for you even when it seems like no one else is.

[catknit 144]

I'm sure many people in similar situations can attest to what happened with their spouses but the fact that he is so different and in many ways is withdrawing from his "normal" situation in the US raises the flag in my mind that he may be dealing with situational depression - especially if this has been going on for more than a couple of weeks.

Maybe he should talk to someone - a doc he trusts, the imam at your masjid - there are some simple lifestyle changes that could make him start to feel better. And, if he's feeling better, his motivation will increase, he'll become more himself.

[RonelllovesHamdi 0]

Tasha,

I am praying for you so much. I know how hard it is to tell our Egyptian men some things. They just don't want to listen. I have not went through your situation and pray I never will but if there is anything that we can do to help you do not hesitate to ask!

[childress_london 3]

I agree with Milo. It sounds like depression. And on one hand, I can relate. To go from being an attorney to cleaning is definitely a depressing situation. Especially when most people (especially men) have their self worth tied up in their profession. I'm sure he feels very demeaned on a daily basis. But it is curious as to why he was OK with that before he went home to visit and then returning and not being OK. Unless he had some family members who were very negative in their attitude about it. The thing is to see the light at the end of the tunnel and realize that he doesn't have to be doing that forever. But he needs to get off of his *** and work towards it.

[MrsAmera 41]

If he told his family at home what he was doing I'm sure it was a huge issue. I doubt he would have told them. Although we understand it takes time to re-build yourself most people there do not understand that.

I agree that it sounds definetely like depression. Having him realize that and getting some help may be another issue. He may just swing out of it. If not I'm not sure what steps you could take. Does he want to go back to Egypt? Or is he just not happy with his life station right now? Encourage him to go back to school and get his grounding as a paralegal or legal assistant. I've had to hammer into my husbands head for the past 3 years that the only way up is to get more education.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

I can totally see how visiting the family has done this. AbuS absolutely refuses to go home until he has his CIA (certified internal auditor) certificate, is very close to getting it or has a well paying job in the accounting field. His family, at least, has a lot of expectations of him, and if he went back without achieving his goals, it would be a huge disapointment.

I don't know if any advice I can give you would help. If he's not listening to reason, how can one get through to a person? Maybe give him some space, and gently prod him until he comes out of the depression?

Otherwise, it's time to call out the arbitrators. "And if you fear a breach between the two, then appoint judge from his people and a judge from her people; if they both desire agreement, Allah will effect harmony between them, surely Allah is Knowing, Aware. 4:35"

[AlHayatZween 2]

what are women able to do in other places that women cannot do here, in regards to being good muslims? i've felt limited by myself before, but never considered my location to be a factor. living in the us has never interfered with praying, fasting, or fulfilling any other of my religious duties. this is one of the stranger things i've read here in awhile. how exactly is one hindered because of their address?

Yes, sorry... Let me clarify. Certainly an address doesn't dictate one's ability to be pious or not...

i think i was referring more to my own limitations. And that when my husband goes home, i worry he will make comparisons of the more traditional aspects of what is truly Moroccan--things that no matter how hard you try, you just can't replicate exactly--and somehow things here won't measure up...

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Tasha,

I think you have gotten some great feedback and I have to agree with the majority here. It sounds more like depression and disappointment rather than anything to do with going back home. Although, Im sure they asked how everything was and he felt like a failure on some level which has thrust him into this withdrawl. He may have just been able to hold it together but going back home and not being able to report of his huge sucess was enough to push him over the edge.

I think just being supportive in every way that you can will help. Telling him that his son's will grow up and appreciate that daddy did whatever he had to to support them early on. They can look up to him and see that he had to start over from scratch and still "made it". But, he needs to get out of the funk and start taking steps to be that good example.

That's the angle I would take.

I hope things start to look up soon for you guys and you have a place here to vent and talk..

Lisa