Spouses going home to visit and coming home different

[allousa 1]

Tasha,

I think you have gotten some great feedback and I have to agree with the majority here. It sounds more like depression and disappointment rather than anything to do with going back home. Although, Im sure they asked how everything was and he felt like a failure on some level which has thrust him into this withdrawl. He may have just been able to hold it together but going back home and not being able to report of his huge sucess was enough to push him over the edge.

I think just being supportive in every way that you can will help. Telling him that his son's will grow up and appreciate that daddy did whatever he had to to support them early on. They can look up to him and see that he had to start over from scratch and still "made it". But, he needs to get out of the funk and start taking steps to be that good example.

That's the angle I would take.

I hope things start to look up soon for you guys and you have a place here to vent and talk..

Lisa

I SOOOO could not agree with this more! I have MAD MAD respect for the members of my family who really struggled early on in their lives but worked hard and now are very successful. My father was a truck driver all of his life and he made good money as he gained senority. People may look down on a career like that, but you know what, it's essential to everyone's lives as truckers help transport goods all over the country. My dad was good at his job and well liked by so many of his peers. I will carry the respect for him and his hard work for the rest of my days.

[Wantedtobelieve 4]

He thinks we can afford to go back every year--at a cost of around 5000.00--like we are made of money. He still thinks his country is much better, less hassle. He even thinks their doctors and dentists are better--that shows how much he is out of reality. This is the most stubborn man on the planet. They all want to go back as big shots and then all their friends expect them to pay for everything. To me, this is just immature. EVerybody thinks we are rich, but they don't want to work that hard. In their home country, it is more laid back, easy to get job, less expectations. Mostly, the men expect to be the king of the world.

[Nagishkaw 510]

He even thinks their doctors and dentists are better

They all want to go back as big shots

Yup.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Tasha,

I think you have gotten some great feedback and I have to agree with the majority here. It sounds more like depression and disappointment rather than anything to do with going back home. Although, Im sure they asked how everything was and he felt like a failure on some level which has thrust him into this withdrawl. He may have just been able to hold it together but going back home and not being able to report of his huge sucess was enough to push him over the edge.

I think just being supportive in every way that you can will help. Telling him that his son's will grow up and appreciate that daddy did whatever he had to to support them early on. They can look up to him and see that he had to start over from scratch and still "made it". But, he needs to get out of the funk and start taking steps to be that good example.

That's the angle I would take.

I hope things start to look up soon for you guys and you have a place here to vent and talk..

Lisa

I SOOOO could not agree with this more! I have MAD MAD respect for the members of my family who really struggled early on in their lives but worked hard and now are very successful. My father was a truck driver all of his life and he made good money as he gained senority. People may look down on a career like that, but you know what, it's essential to everyone's lives as truckers help transport goods all over the country. My dad was good at his job and well liked by so many of his peers. I will carry the respect for him and his hard work for the rest of my days.

yep! Any job is respectabe when it supports a family IMHO.

[childress_london 3]

There's nothing better than a lot of positive affirmation from your spouse when you are feeling insignificant. I suggest giving him a lot of praise and helping him feel like he's still the man. As they say, patience is a virtue. lol

[Aymsgirl 0]

Thank you again everybody and to those of you whom have taken the time to email or call. I'm not sure how all of this will turn out in the end but I pray that God is on our side and gets him through this really rough slump.

[Ihavequestions 419]

They all want to go back as big shots and then all their friends expect them to pay for everything.

That's because they choose to perpetuate the myth. If they told the truth for a change there wouldn't be the mad rust to "take the papers" and "make a good business in America."

[Imua 0]

They all want to go back as big shots and then all their friends expect them to pay for everything.

That's because they choose to perpetuate the myth. If they told the truth for a change there wouldn't be the mad rust to "take the papers" and "make a good business in America."

In Nepali movies the stock character is the guy who 'made it big' overseas and comes back with an arrogant, un-Nepali attitude, black shades, big SUV, etc. Interestingly he is not always 'the good guy'.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Hi everybody! I would like to know if you any of you have any experience with your spouse visiting their home country and coming home different. How did you handle it?

You have not really sad how he was different so it is hard to answer the question ... I have seen it with a couple of my friends..

I think it has alot to do with whats going on in the marriage and their level of happiness here. Some actually come home happy to be in the US because they change when they get here as well. I have seen guys pretty happy in their American marriages come home ready to leave because maybe their American wife cannot have kids and they see everyone back home with kids or they have a different idea of what a wife should be like because back home the women cook like 3 hours a day and they miss the food back home, the familiarness.. I have seen guys go back home and see their old lives and want it back because maybe back home they had a prestigous job and here they are serving fries or cannot find work. I have seen guys go back home and cut ties with people back home because the people back home are always hitting them up for money. I have also seen people leave their western wife, marry islamically back home to two different results.. then come back home and tell their American wife they want a divorce and they actually are islamically married back there.. ( this happens unfortunately more commonly than anyone wants to talk about) But the reality is, its very hard to bring someone over here now even for us and with this economy I think it will happen less and less.

I would not jump to conclusions. You have a son with him....he may just be pissed off at life here because the economy sucks and even Americans are depressed. I actually am curious to see what the economy will do to marriages between Americans and these guys because its very hard to survive here and I am not thinking its going to be all that easy just to use someone and then jett off on your own. I think alot of the marriages that started out with the guy using the girl will be prolonged because its just not that easy to make it here in the states

To answer your question. Yes I see it all the time. It can be anything from just being pissed off that life is not what it is back there, to the food, to maybe falling in love with a girl back home and wanting someone from there that fits more easily with their culture, to pressure from their family, to smart comments from their family as to why they have not done more with their big chance, to just simple homesickness, to just simple dissatisfaction with you just not being like they are back home, to lack of fitting in here. I certainly if I was you, not take it personally. When the glow of romance wears off, alot of glaring differences start popping up in mena marriages, some good or bad. Ironically, sometimes the marriages are stronger for it because sometimes they see American women after going back home are LESS MATERIALISTIC and MONEY OBSESSED than some of the women back home. We tend to marry for love and leave reality at the door where as some of the girls back home need an apartment full of nice furniture and arms full of gold to feel loved. NOTE IN DEFENSE OF THESE GIRLS> Maybe they do all of that materialism because they know if a guy will try real hard and buy all that stuff, he really loves her.. Oh I do not know

But I certainly would not beat up on myself, Ayms girl , if he comes back different. Just realise it could very well maybe a ton of different stuff and not necessarily tragic.. He just may miss his life back there and feel out of sorts here

Cheers

[Aymsgirl 0]

I spoke with one of my husband's really good friends that is living here in the States. He said it has nothing to do with our marriage at all. He said it's the fact that he owes people money and he wants to get them paid off. That his job has cut his hours to nearly 3 a day because they are slow and he can barely pay his child support, let alone help at home with us, pay money owed back and save for a car. He misses the boys dearly and feels torn but his friend told me no worries, this man loves you, loves your son he just wants to do better and hates to see his wife supporting him in ways he should her. He also said he misses his career very much and is confused on what to do occupational wise and doesn't have the confidence to pursue college here. YESSSSSSSSSSS, money comes into a big play here with the family in Egypt. They are asking for what he owes back and he can't give it to him.

He is coming around more. The other day I had just had enough and he was laying in the bed all depressed and I went off on him. Told him he is killing our marriage by withdrawing himself from me and he is being selfish by what he is doing. Well, I think what I said to him maybe sunk in a small bit. He finally said come here, come and lay with me. I was crying tears all over my face. I told him don't you give up on us and I will fight you every single day to remind you of what kind of love we have. Since then, the distance is getting closer. We aren't where we were before he left but we are working on it.

My marriage was happy. We could count on one hand how many arguments we had in almost three years until now. So, that is why I am slapped in the face with this and want to know if this was common. I believe a lot of it was homesickness. Mainly missing the boys because he spent very little time with his mother. I know he misses the crowded streets and busy stores which are much different than where we live. He misses the visiting and the coffee shops. He said the food wasn't all that he remembered it to be (probably because he had nobody cooking for him and had to eat out every day when he was there). I'm sure Egypt will always be his home but I pray that our home will be his home away from home one day.

Thanks again for all of your messages. Things are looking up for us I believe. I'm taking it day by day and I know there has to be a rainbow out there somewhere!

Edited May 2, 2009 by Aymsgirl

[Nagishkaw 510]

There is.

[anitacastillo 0]

Communication, communication -- its an important, but at times very difficult.

I would push the college/education angle. It is the best way he is going to get ahead, IMO.

[Aymsgirl 0]

Communication, communication -- its an important, but at times very difficult.

I would push the college/education angle. It is the best way he is going to get ahead, IMO.

Thanks for your advice. I agree on communication. I have no problem with it but when he faces something hard he closes up. I agree with the college as well. Working on that Thanks again.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

It sounds like you had a break through that day. Good luck on things slowly looking up

[Ihavequestions 419]

We tend to marry for love and leave reality at the door where as some of the girls back home need an apartment full of nice furniture and arms full of gold to feel loved. NOTE IN DEFENSE OF THESE GIRLS> Maybe they do all of that materialism because they know if a guy will try real hard and buy all that stuff, he really loves her

How many of these guys do you think marry for love in the first place? My guess is very, very few. The reality is love doesn't come with being introduced to the future Mrs., gettiing engaged, and then married in a matter of minutes. Marriages, most often, are an arrangement between families. The apartment is a requirement; I don't know of one single marriage that was local man/local woman that didn't have that requirement. The gold is also a requirement because there is no alimony. If the marriage fails the apartment is his, not hers. The furnishings are his, not hers. The children are, legally, more his than hers and if he wants to take them back to his family to raise he can do that. The mahr is security. Her security. It's not about love, in my opinion, anyway.

Back to the OP - have you had his transcripts translated/evaluated?