How Do You Handle Homesickness?

[NatPatBen 3]

d) African american problems here is a kind of fear to me ..... my wife told me to keep away from as some illeterates one dnt like foreigners and i was harassed by few of them in a parking lot once. I wanted to leave usa then and then but wy wife did a good job of making me understand and calm down.

::sigh:: We, as a country, still have so far to go.

[trinket 30]

d) African american problems here is a kind of fear to me ..... my wife told me to keep away from as some illeterates one dnt like foreigners and i was harassed by few of them in a parking lot once. I wanted to leave usa then and then but wy wife did a good job of making me understand and calm down.

::sigh:: We, as a country, still have so far to go.

I know NatPatBen

Yes I hate how empty roads out here are but I have never felt discomfort around people. In our last apartment one of my first days in US when I was doing our laundry, I was out of 1 quater, I was trying the vending machine to get some quarter but it wasn't working and this lady (african american offcourse) actually took me to her apartment and gave me a bunch of quarters. She then went with me to the laundry room to make sure I know my way.

I think its all about your attitude, if you want to you can find racism anywhere, and there are people who are really friendly.

[christera22 8]

I apologise NatPatBen. I had no intention of hurting anyone. THe time i was harassed i was only a week in usa. Thus at that time i kind of generalised all. Later my wife explained and made me meet others. BUt yes we all together can make a lot of changes here and make the socialism and things better here. Tk care.

[Imua 0]

Go do things that he likes , find out his passions, his likes. Try to find a cnadian group in your area and socialize with them. The idea is he has to find people in ur area who are also from canada. That will of course help.

Now that the big visa hurdle is over I am very worried about Govi feeling homesick and how he will adjust to living here. I moved to NYC from Hawaii exactly 9 years ago 3/31/01 and I remember I was ready to go right back when I arrived... I found the culture here so cold and threatening(still do to be honest), no ALOHA, everyone so uptight, paranoid and aggressive... Everyone dressed in gloomy black clothes like at a funeral(I wear brilliant colored salwar kameez, even in winter, just to be rebellious) ...and the cold, oh God the cold, not really being able to enjoy going out for 5-6 months out of the year... So I really haven't adjusted to NYC but what has kept me here is the desi community in Queens - when I came here my interest in Indian/Nepali/Tibetan culture really grew. I had always been interested in this part of the world but there aren't too many desis in Hawaii - when I left I remember you couldn't even get a decent Indian meal. When Govi comes then I will take him to the temples, desi grocery stores and the Nepali video store which is kind of a focal point for the Nepali community - the couple who run a travel agency there have said they will help us but I am kind of scared when I ask how hard will it be for him to find a job and they say 'he should open a business'.... And I live in a very walkable neighborhood so Govi won't feel cooped up in our apartment because he can't drive - I have never had a DL myself.

I know he is going to miss his family terribly especially during the Dashain and Tihar holidays, Shivaratri, all the festivals which he celebrates with family, and I hope it won't make him feel so sad he wants to leave me... I would be willing to move to Nepal in a heartbeat if we could find work, but it is a very poor country... as it is his father is the sole breadwinner and there are 3 students in the family including Govi, so economically I don't think he would be able to go back on his own... I could maybe make some money teaching English as well as basic French, German and Italian. Our plan ultimately is to go back to Nepal in a few years and I guess if the homesickness gets too bad I should remind him of that... I remember when I came here my goal was to go back to Hawaii before the cold set in again(November) but I stuck it out and remember when spring 2001 came I felt like I could enjoy New York a little bit and it didn't feel quite so lonely. Finding a meditation group and some great Indian restaurants helped.

[panterchen 1]

Thank you so much for all of you who wrote your experiences here!!

I just got here a little over a month ago on a K1, we got married, now hve our own new apartment but I recently get really homesick and b!tchy with my husband and I see that I usually don't get upset about anything that has to do with him but that I carry out other things on him. Reading these posts relieved me terribly and now I know that all of this is normal and that I am not alone with this. Thank you.

[iLoveAPolishGirl 0]

wow! You know, I'm so sorry to hear experiences such as those of NatPatBen!! What i can say is, there are many sides and faces to the USA. You are not seeing the best of us!!!

I live in a place that has none of those things, where people help each other, where neighbors know each other. I live in a place where crime is very low and child education is very important. I live in a place where community service is revered and racist violence is about non-existent. I live in a place called Glens Falls, NY, but it's hardly the only place like this in the USA!!

I'm so sorry that your fiancee brought you to a place so different than this!! But, that is part of the USA... it's a strange place made up of many differing experiences. The city is very different from the suburbs which is very different from the rural areas. North is different from South which differs from the Mid-west and the West. I live in a small city in a rural area in the NE. On purpose! I like it here!

I know my fiance will like it here too, I'm sure of it But, I'm also sure she will still get homesick at times. I'd probably get homesick if I moved over there. I don't think there's anyway to avoid that.

But, at least, I'm going to try to overcome that as best as I can for her!! I'm working on lining up friends for her to get to know and taking her to places locally she might be comfortable with and so on soon!!

Any suggestions from anyone that might help would be great!!! :)

dvc

Edited April 7, 2009 by iLoveAPolishGirl

[Krikit 1,163]

Glens Falls is lovely.

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Thank you so much for all of you who wrote your experiences here!!

I just got here a little over a month ago on a K1, we got married, now hve our own new apartment but I recently get really homesick and b!tchy with my husband and I see that I usually don't get upset about anything that has to do with him but that I carry out other things on him. Reading these posts relieved me terribly and now I know that all of this is normal and that I am not alone with this. Thank you.

Speaking as someone from the opposite end of things (I brought my then-fiance over to the U.S. and have been working through homesickness issues with him), I have a few pieces of insight I'd like to share.

(1) People from my perspective typically have a really, really hard time of understanding why their fiances/spouses miss their country of origin. We're so wrapped up in getting our new life with you started that we don't often (if ever) think about you being homesick and don't even consider it a problem (or a very serious one) unless we're told otherwise. If you feel homesick, please please please make sure you let your spouse know. If you bottle it up and keep it to yourself, we have no idea what you're going through and think that everything is smooth sailing. When you eventually do express it (especially if you have an outburst), we feel quite blindsighted and like you haven't been honest and upfront with us.

(2) Don't be put off if your spouse doesn't respond well, at first, when you tell him or her how homesick you are. It is very hard for us not to take your homesickness personally. We promise, when we sign our I-130s, that we will be financially responsible for you for ten years! We take our vows to take care of you and help you get established in the U.S. VERY seriously. We try to give you everything you want and need. Sometimes when you tell us you're homesick, it's a real blow to the ego. We can feel like a] you're unappreciative of our effort to make you comfortable and happy, and/or b] we are complete and utter failures. Neither of those things are true, but we definitely feel they are. If possible, try to broach the subject gently and reassure your spouse that you DO appreciate him/her and that your feelings of homesickness are NOT a reflection of his or her ability/inability to love you and look after you and make sure all your needs are met.

(3) Try not to encourage spouse talk about your homesickness with people who haven't been through the sort of situation you have. They don't get it; trust me. The last thing we need is a bunch of people validating us taking your homesickness personally by saying things like (word-for-word example out of my own life), "Well, I don't see why Sean misses Campbell River so much! He had a whole bunch of nothing going on when he was there. He is so lucky to have you now--you do everything for him! And what does he do? He's not even working! He just hangs around the house all day and gets to relax and play video games!"

That sort of thing is NOT helpful. People who haven't been through this sort of thing don't know that it takes time for an immigrant spouse to learn how to drive in the U.S. and get comfortable doing so, it takes time to update your resume and find work--not to mention, you have to file your I-756 if you don't have your green card yet, etc., etc. Trust me--other people SO don't get it. Making you and/or your spouse feel like you "owe" your spouse something and feel guilty for being homesick can (and will) wreak havoc on your marriage. Don't talk to these people about your issues (and encourage your spouse not to as well).

You aren't alone, but I understand that it can be very easy for you to feel like you are for the above reasons.

I hope my insight here has been helpful. Good luck.

[Krikit 1,163]

Very good post, CaptainRubyHeart. Thank you.

[JoeCanuk 3]

My wife couldn't understand why I was homesick. She thought it shouldn't bother me since I'm only three and a half hours away. That may be so but it's a DIFFERENT country. It takes time getting used to and I'm still getting used to it.

Before I was allowed to go back and visit I'd talk to family and my parents made me a video with all the sights from my hometown and even put their dogs on it. I felt better.

[Tomandtanja 0]

Especially the last couple months have been difficult for me. I lived in small town, in a small country and then I moved here to Texas. Everything is lot bigger here, different in so many ways. I feel homesick. Does anyone have any ideas how I could spend my day? Usually I just sit around at the apartment doing household chores, cooking, baking, drawing, photographing, reading, cleaning.... There's nowhere I can go without a car and my husband works long days and hours.

[Texanadian 10]

What are the odds? I thought I was the only guy from Vancouver Island who is now living in Texas.

Homesick is one thing. Although with the record dump of snow that VI got this winter, I can't see homesickness being an issue. There will always be a certain weirdness about living in another country. Even when the countries are as similar as the USA/Canada. It just takes time.

Has he been back home yet? One thing I noticed when I went back was that time didn't stop like I thought it would. I had been gone for only 6 months, but was amazed at how much was different. Houses that were were land used to be. Friends that had different jobs or were pregnant (news to me). Stores that I always used to shop at were closed. I assumed everything would be exactly the same as when I left. I couldn't believe how much older my sister's kids seemed.

If he hasn't been back yet, let him take a vacation back home. I went back for 2 weeks. The first 3 days back felt strange. Go figure. By the end of the 1st week, things were more normal and by the end of 2 weeks I was settled in and felt good.....having said that, it felt good to return back to Texas. I felt at home starting up "my own car" and driving on the highway back home.

[Emancipation 2]

I just wanted to post and ask if you've ever been to Vancouver Island? There's a different culture there, a completely different lifestyle, and although I haven't been to Texas I hear that its like visiting a completely different country.. soo... he's dealing with a HUGE cultural difference right now, don't underestimate that in your situation. I'm from the East Coast in Canada and I visited the West coast for the first time last summer and got QUITE the eye opener by their culture, thoughts and speech. I was blown away by the completely independent and forward thinking that I ran into and it made a lot of sense to me how differently my brother (who lives there) and I have grown since he moved out west. I'm sure that some of your hubbies homesickness might be due to the fact that there are not like minded people around him right now?... Sometimes my homesickness comes from me feeling I'm the only one around me that feels, sees and has the same perspective. I constantly have to try to figure out the new norm, realize that what I say is going to be misinterpreted (or dismissed altogether as cute but irrelevant "hippy speak") and it gets exhausting at times.

I agree with everyone else, be patient and a sounding board for him (and send him home for a visit). My husband has been SO wonderful in this area, just listening to one rant after another. And my heart is back home, I want to go there someday too, but i realize it's in the distant future for sure.

[Carlawarla 1]

Especially the last couple months have been difficult for me. I lived in small town, in a small country and then I moved here to Texas. Everything is lot bigger here, different in so many ways. I feel homesick. Does anyone have any ideas how I could spend my day? Usually I just sit around at the apartment doing household chores, cooking, baking, drawing, photographing, reading, cleaning.... There's nowhere I can go without a car and my husband works long days and hours.

Is there public transportation near you? Can you ride a bike to anything? Are there any Finnish communities in Texas? Have you checked out www.volunteermatch.com ? Put in your zip code, there might be some interesting volunteer opportunities for you there! That's where I found my fantastic volunteer job!

You could also post something on craiglist to see if there is anyone else in Texas from your country. Hmm, let me see...the library! The library has wonderful things to do! Bridge, book discussion groups, film discussion groups....

Hope you find things to keep you busy and involved!

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

What are the odds? I thought I was the only guy from Vancouver Island who is now living in Texas.

Homesick is one thing. Although with the record dump of snow that VI got this winter, I can't see homesickness being an issue. There will always be a certain weirdness about living in another country. Even when the countries are as similar as the USA/Canada. It just takes time.

Has he been back home yet? One thing I noticed when I went back was that time didn't stop like I thought it would. I had been gone for only 6 months, but was amazed at how much was different. Houses that were were land used to be. Friends that had different jobs or were pregnant (news to me). Stores that I always used to shop at were closed. I assumed everything would be exactly the same as when I left. I couldn't believe how much older my sister's kids seemed.

If he hasn't been back yet, let him take a vacation back home. I went back for 2 weeks. The first 3 days back felt strange. Go figure. By the end of the 1st week, things were more normal and by the end of 2 weeks I was settled in and felt good.....having said that, it felt good to return back to Texas. I felt at home starting up "my own car" and driving on the highway back home.

Thanks for your reply. My husband's actually heading back to Campbell River this upcoming weekend for three weeks. To be totally candid, I'm not all that thrilled about getting to run the household all by myself for three weeks, but I'm trying to be a good sport about it and I know that Sean really needs to see his family again. It's been almost a year!

Where on Vancouver Island are you from, if you don't mind my asking?