How Do You Handle Homesickness?

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

This is my second post here. Although I've been a frequent reader-of-posts at Visajourney.com, I haven't posted before now.

So, first, I'd like to introduce myself a little bit. My name is Daniela, I'm 25 years old, and I work as an editor for an engineering organization. I am from Texas. My husband is Sean. He's from Campbell River, BC, Canada (close-ish to Vancouver) and is very, very sweet and is the absolute love of my life. We knew each other for six years before getting married and did a lot of back-and-forth travelling between British Columbia and Texas!

I handled nearly the entirety of Sean's K-1 visa application (his I-129F, etc., etc.). He moved down here in June 2008 and we got married in August. I took the lead on Sean's I-485 (AOS). I'm very fortunate to say that Sean received his Permanent Resident card in the mail about two weeks ago (hooray)!

Everything has been going really well for us until recently. Sean is normally a very mild-mannered person (I'm much more of the take-charge type [so our relationship works really well, typically]). However, a few weeks ago, he exclaimed to me--completely out of the blue--that he was EXTREMELY homesick. So much so that he was thinking about going back to Canada--maybe permanently--and ending our marriage. Of course, this spawned some really nasty arguments, which we've thankfully been able to work through. After talking it out, Sean took back what he said (he admitted he was overreacting), and what we've agreed to do is to send him back to Campbell River for a few weeks next month so that he could see his family and friends again and not feel so homesick.

My problem is, I suspect that Sean will get homesick again in the future and I want to be able to approach him in a more caring and understanding way than I did this last time around. But that's really, really hard for me because I don't truly understand where he's coming from.

There are several reasons for this: the first is, I didn't really have to move away from my family and I don't really know what that's like (not to mention, my family and I aren't very close like his is, so I suspect my moving away to be with my family wouldn't phase me too badly).

Secondly, when Sean was in Campbell River, there weren't a lot of opportunities for him. Anyone who's been to Campbell River (or similar places on Vancouver Island) will know that it's a beautiful place to visit, but the employment market and higher education opportunities are next to zero. Campbell River is a retirement town--the best you can do with no higher education is to work at Tim Hortons (a donut place) or Subway. The only college in town is a small community college. Housing costs (for purchasing a home) are outrageous. When Sean moved down to Texas, I offered him the opportunity to go back to school and get his university degree. I am giving him a vehicle. We own our own home and live a very comfortable lifestyle.

I just don't get it--why in the world would he want to go back to Campbell River? What's wrong with his life here? I've done my absolute best to give him everything that he needs and wants. What is there to miss back there?

If anyone can sympathize with my husband, will you please share your experiences with me? I'm having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around this.

Thank you very much in advance.

[raymaga 25]

Hi Daniela:

I am the Canadian citizen (well, I'm a U.S. citizen now, too). I have lived in the U.S. for almost 5 years and I am STILL homesick. And I only live 3 1/2 hours from where my family and friends are.

I can totally understand where Sean is coming from, especially due to the distance between Texas and Vancouver Island. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think about my life in Canada before I moved here. This is not to say that I regret moving here, but if I had it all to do over again, I probably wouldn't.

My husband is very sympathetic to my feelings, he knows that I would love to live back in Canada, and would move in a minute if I asked him to. But my husband has a very good government job here with an excellent retirement pension, and I know we would both regret him leaving that job. We plan to retire in about 9 years, and then I'm almost positive we will move back to Canada.

Even though I have lived here for 5 years, I have very few close friends. I have my co-workers and a couple of friends that I can just call up and get together with. But I will ALWAYS miss the very close friendships I had in Canada, and will especially always miss my two adult sons who live in Canada. My daughter moved to the U.S. and lived with us for 2 years, but she has now transferred to a university 2 1/2 hours from us, so I have no family here now.

I would suggest that you and your husband get involved with as many things as you can so that he can make some friends of his own. And, of course, the odd trip back "home" will help too.

Good luck and best wishes to you both.

[MrsCat 6]

I've taken out a lot of things on my husband since moving. And none of it has been his fault. Its mostly my tough time adjusting to a new life in the USA. Slowly my life is becoming my own.

The resentfulness of feeling like I gave my life up to move, made me bitter on days. Of course when I'm not ruminating about it, I love my life in the States. But bad days, are bad days. However, for the most part, I felt like it wasn't fair to share those feelings.

Then I told my husband one night over a lot of tears how much I hated it. I felt like he didn't care what I was going through. I felt like I'd been giving out a lot of signals to show my contempt for life here, and he was just not validating how I felt. He explained that he thought I was happy and just homesick on the bad days. He didn't realize how I really felt until I told him. Since that, I really haven't been back to that place. In retrospect, I should have been upfront about how I felt, rather than waiting for him to interpret my b!tchiness as directly related to moving.

I guess what I can say is - look for the subtle cues and signals that suggest he's not happy. Ask explicitly what it has to do with, and let him vent. He probably just needs to know someone is listening to how he feels and accepts that is how he feels.

Of course being able to go home helps. I am home right now (first time since I left) and its actually helped solidify that this is no longer my home. It doesn't feel like home anymore. Its where my family lives and that's pretty much it. I remember why I was happy to leave. I miss my husband back in Hawaii and can't wait to get back home.

Good luck. Its not easy for anyone in this process. And sometimes, I think despite how hard it is for the immigrant, the citizen has it harder because they're really stuck trying to do everything to make the transition easier.

[BermyCat 1]

Homesickness is completely emotional; it's not rational at all. The fact that you two have a great marriage won't stop him from being homesick. The fact that he has more financial and educational oppurtunities won't stop him from being homesick. No discussion or argument can make his homesickness go away. Don't feel like you're not good enough or your life in Texas isn't good enough, his homesickness has nothing to do with you. There's no need to be defensive or to fight, it's not your fault.

It's really hard to make someone understand just how difficult moving countries really is. This is the third counry I've lived in. Once you move, almost every part of life gets harder for a while. Driving is a total pain. You don't know the area very well and if you slow to read street signs and building numbers, the jerk behind you is going to lean on his horn. Buying everything from groceries to jeans is a giant pain, because you don't yet know where to find what you're looking for. My first breakdown was in a grocery store. I wanted to cook Phil a special meal but a bunch of the ingredients that were very common in Ontario just aren't available in grocery stores here. Banking here is totally different than in Canada. Then there's health care. Even the same food with the same manufacturer and brand, tastes different here than in Canada. I could go on for pages and pages. The point is that for a least a year after a move, a staggering number of things you do on a daily basis are a source of frustration. You end up having to depend on your spouse to get the simplist of things done. Immagine being in that position and you'll start to see what he is going through. You start to fixate on how much better things were at home. It's hard to keep in mind that some time, far in the future, things will be easier for you here.

As far as missing family and friends, I'm not sure that I can explain what that feels like if you don't have those close relationships. Try remembering what it was like to miss him while you two were waiting for the visa. Family relationships can be almost as close as your relationship to each other.

There are some things that my husband does that really help me out. First and foremost, when I get really frustrated, angry or burst into tears, he doesn't resort to logic. He just hugs me and reminds me that things will get better, that he loves me no matter what and that this will all be worth it in the end. I can tell that sometimes it's hard for him not to take it personally or get angry. I'm pretty sure he vents with a friend of his so he can be calm for me. Secondly, he's gotten advice on how to make me more comofortable here. He asked in the Canada forum what he could do to help me adjust and got loads of helpful advice. He reads the Canada forum to get an idea of what sorts of things it's hard for Canadians to adjust to. This man who never does the grocery shopping went on an expedition to find Organic Heinz ketchup since he read in the forums that the organic version here tastes most like the Canadian version. The taste of ketchup seems to be a silly little thing, but I can't tell you how much that cheered me up.

I think visiting home and having people from home visit you guys could help a lot too. Visits home always seemed to take the edge off my homesickness and playing tour guide reminds me of the great things about where i'm curently living. I can't wait to take my brother and his family to the Atlanta Aquarium. My little nieces will go nuts. I'll also planning to invite my 15 year old step sister to come spend a week with us. I know she'd love the shopping and there's a couple of concerts coming up that we'd both enjoy.

I'm not sure if this has been helpful to you or not. I have a tendency to ramble. I think time and patience are what you two are going to require in great quantities. Don't forget to take time just to enjoy each other's company.

Good luck,

Catherine

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Hi Daniela:

I am the Canadian citizen (well, I'm a U.S. citizen now, too). I have lived in the U.S. for almost 5 years and I am STILL homesick. And I only live 3 1/2 hours from where my family and friends are.

I can totally understand where Sean is coming from, especially due to the distance between Texas and Vancouver Island. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think about my life in Canada before I moved here. This is not to say that I regret moving here, but if I had it all to do over again, I probably wouldn't.

My husband is very sympathetic to my feelings, he knows that I would love to live back in Canada, and would move in a minute if I asked him to. But my husband has a very good government job here with an excellent retirement pension, and I know we would both regret him leaving that job. We plan to retire in about 9 years, and then I'm almost positive we will move back to Canada.

Even though I have lived here for 5 years, I have very few close friends. I have my co-workers and a couple of friends that I can just call up and get together with. But I will ALWAYS miss the very close friendships I had in Canada, and will especially always miss my two adult sons who live in Canada. My daughter moved to the U.S. and lived with us for 2 years, but she has now transferred to a university 2 1/2 hours from us, so I have no family here now.

I would suggest that you and your husband get involved with as many things as you can so that he can make some friends of his own. And, of course, the odd trip back "home" will help too.

Good luck and best wishes to you both.

Thank you for your response! That is incredibly helpful. Sean has told me that ideally, he'd like to wind up back in Canada. I'm open to that, but I realistically don't see it happening any time in the near future (we're barely starting our lives/careers/etc.). I did tell him we could plan for it.

I hadn't thought about this, but one thing he told me during one of our recent arguments is that he was "kind of upset" (translation: very upset) because I hadn't mentioned (within the last five or six months) anything about our eventually ending up back in Canada, and he was starting to get worried that I'd just dropped the whole idea. And I'm just now realizing that the really terrible thing about that is--I did. Sean relies on me very heavily to make long-term plans--and he was right: moving back to Canada eventually has fallen off my priority list. So, I think I need to be more sensitive to HIS needs and get back on track. Encourage him by letting him know that yes, we can end up in Canada--and make some sort of 10 year plan in which to do it. And in the meantime, I will try to get him to meet new people here. Maybe occasionally fly one of his buddies down or send Sean back to CR for a few weeks. AH, there's so much I could--and should--be doing!

Thanks again TONS for your response!!!

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

I've taken out a lot of things on my husband since moving. And none of it has been his fault. Its mostly my tough time adjusting to a new life in the USA. Slowly my life is becoming my own.

The resentfulness of feeling like I gave my life up to move, made me bitter on days. Of course when I'm not ruminating about it, I love my life in the States. But bad days, are bad days. However, for the most part, I felt like it wasn't fair to share those feelings.

Then I told my husband one night over a lot of tears how much I hated it. I felt like he didn't care what I was going through. I felt like I'd been giving out a lot of signals to show my contempt for life here, and he was just not validating how I felt. He explained that he thought I was happy and just homesick on the bad days. He didn't realize how I really felt until I told him. Since that, I really haven't been back to that place. In retrospect, I should have been upfront about how I felt, rather than waiting for him to interpret my b!tchiness as directly related to moving.

I guess what I can say is - look for the subtle cues and signals that suggest he's not happy. Ask explicitly what it has to do with, and let him vent. He probably just needs to know someone is listening to how he feels and accepts that is how he feels.

Of course being able to go home helps. I am home right now (first time since I left) and its actually helped solidify that this is no longer my home. It doesn't feel like home anymore. Its where my family lives and that's pretty much it. I remember why I was happy to leave. I miss my husband back in Hawaii and can't wait to get back home.

Good luck. Its not easy for anyone in this process. And sometimes, I think despite how hard it is for the immigrant, the citizen has it harder because they're really stuck trying to do everything to make the transition easier.

YES. I hate to admit this, but I can be quite obtuse at times. I'm as straightforward and direct as I can be, and I have a tendency to expect others to be that way with me (not always feasible).

Sean has a very hard time expressing his feelings. I'm going to try harder to look for subtle hints. I really don't want to be blindsighted again, and I don't want to be a total b!tch who takes everything personally. Maybe if I stop taking it so personally, Sean will start feeling a little more comfortable talking to me about how he feels. I don't know--it's new territory for us both.

Thanks for your response!!!

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Homesickness is completely emotional; it's not rational at all. The fact that you two have a great marriage won't stop him from being homesick. The fact that he has more financial and educational oppurtunities won't stop him from being homesick. No discussion or argument can make his homesickness go away. Don't feel like you're not good enough or your life in Texas isn't good enough, his homesickness has nothing to do with you. There's no need to be defensive or to fight, it's not your fault.

It's really hard to make someone understand just how difficult moving countries really is. This is the third counry I've lived in. Once you move, almost every part of life gets harder for a while. Driving is a total pain. You don't know the area very well and if you slow to read street signs and building numbers, the jerk behind you is going to lean on his horn. Buying everything from groceries to jeans is a giant pain, because you don't yet know where to find what you're looking for. My first breakdown was in a grocery store. I wanted to cook Phil a special meal but a bunch of the ingredients that were very common in Ontario just aren't available in grocery stores here. Banking here is totally different than in Canada. Then there's health care. Even the same food with the same manufacturer and brand, tastes different here than in Canada. I could go on for pages and pages. The point is that for a least a year after a move, a staggering number of things you do on a daily basis are a source of frustration. You end up having to depend on your spouse to get the simplist of things done. Immagine being in that position and you'll start to see what he is going through. You start to fixate on how much better things were at home. It's hard to keep in mind that some time, far in the future, things will be easier for you here.

As far as missing family and friends, I'm not sure that I can explain what that feels like if you don't have those close relationships. Try remembering what it was like to miss him while you two were waiting for the visa. Family relationships can be almost as close as your relationship to each other.

There are some things that my husband does that really help me out. First and foremost, when I get really frustrated, angry or burst into tears, he doesn't resort to logic. He just hugs me and reminds me that things will get better, that he loves me no matter what and that this will all be worth it in the end. I can tell that sometimes it's hard for him not to take it personally or get angry. I'm pretty sure he vents with a friend of his so he can be calm for me. Secondly, he's gotten advice on how to make me more comofortable here. He asked in the Canada forum what he could do to help me adjust and got loads of helpful advice. He reads the Canada forum to get an idea of what sorts of things it's hard for Canadians to adjust to. This man who never does the grocery shopping went on an expedition to find Organic Heinz ketchup since he read in the forums that the organic version here tastes most like the Canadian version. The taste of ketchup seems to be a silly little thing, but I can't tell you how much that cheered me up.

I think visiting home and having people from home visit you guys could help a lot too. Visits home always seemed to take the edge off my homesickness and playing tour guide reminds me of the great things about where i'm curently living. I can't wait to take my brother and his family to the Atlanta Aquarium. My little nieces will go nuts. I'll also planning to invite my 15 year old step sister to come spend a week with us. I know she'd love the shopping and there's a couple of concerts coming up that we'd both enjoy.

I'm not sure if this has been helpful to you or not. I have a tendency to ramble. I think time and patience are what you two are going to require in great quantities. Don't forget to take time just to enjoy each other's company.

Good luck,

Catherine

True. All of my "arguments" are completely rational, which is kind of stupid if you think about it. Like you said, homesickness is emotional, and I've just been taking everything personally and have been completely unable to sympathize or be sweet to Sean.

Where are these Canada forums? I'd love to find out so I can read them. It's funny that you bring up the ketchup thing. I actually was surprised when I was in Canada because of how different ketchup tasted--I didn't like it! But yes, Sean does complain that things don't taste the same here and are sort of weird and different. For example, iced tea. He HATES American iced tea. There was this stuff that Sean always used to drink that I've only been able to find in Canada--this Good Host Nestle iced tea. I wonder if anyone in the Canada forum would know where I could go to get that (order online?)

You are right. It is the little things that matter. Sean was soooo excited the other day when he found custard powder in the international food aisle at a grocery store we just started going to. We hadn't seen it anywhere, and he uses that stuff to bake Nanaimo bars.

I am sure that Sean probably hates depending on me for everything. Like getting a ride just about ANYWHERE, money, etc., etc.. Oh my God, if I were in that situation, I'd probably shoot myself. Ugh! Your saying that has helped me to think about it from his perspective.

Thanks a TON for your response!

(P.S. It's funny--I am actually travelling to Atlanta, Georgia for the first time ever tomorrow for a work conference. We're having an event next week at the Atlanta Aquarium, and you reminded me of how excited I am about seeing it!)

[BermyCat 1]

The Canada forum: http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showforum=93

~ Catherine

[raymaga 25]

I also miss a lot of small things about Canada that are different here.

Lipton chicken noodle soup is HORRIBLE here.... and almost all cereals (even the same brands) taste TOTALLY different here.... I have to admit I don't notice the difference with the Heinz ketchip, though. I can't even drink iced tea here, so it has been one of my favorite things I have given up.

But mostly it's the health care situation that frustrates me the most. I am completely convinced that we will someday end up bankrupt due to medical expenses, even though we have good health care through my husband's employer. There's all those co-pays and deductibles and stop loss amounts that scare me.

And even on Medicare, I'm not convinced that if you ended up with a serious or life-threatening illness that you wouldn't end up bankrupt!!!

[Krikit 1,163]

Fabulous posts, guys. I couldn't have said it better myself. There are a lot of posts of me trying to describe the frustration and loneliness I felt when I first moved down here, Daniela. I've amalgamated some in one of the paragraphs below. Going back to visit whenever I could helped me to adjust. I get positively giddy when I find a particular grocery item that's normally unavailable in the US. Finally being able to find my way around without getting lost helped me to adjust. I remember one time being hopelessly lost and calling my husband balling my eyes out.

Husband: "Where are you?"

Me: "I don't know."

Husband: "Look around you. Do you see a street sign?"

Me: "Well, there's a yellow building to my left and a big tree to my right."

Husband: *sigh*

Me:

I found for the first year that I was frustrated and angry and lost and lonely. During the second year I finally got through the adjustment process and settled down. Now I love it here and think of it as home.... but a different kind of home than Canada-home. I love where we live and I have the best neighbours in the world. At this point I would probably cry if I had to leave and I would always be homesick for it. I still get homesick for Canada but I have learned how to deal with it. I get homesick for England, too, because that's where I'm originally from, but I've learned how to deal with that too. God help me if I ever have to move to another country/State. I don't need any more places to miss.

Amalgamation of some of my old posts:

"Being a new immigrant is difficult, to say the least. You leave your home, your career, your family, and your friends. Back home, when you needed something you knew where to find it. When you were sick you went to the doctor. When something went wrong, you knew who to call. Here, you know nothing. Moving to a new country is like becoming a child again. You are dependent on your new spouse for everything. We are raw from the pain of leaving our homes and loved ones and we are unfamiliar with the territory and the rules. When you move to the US you no longer exist. Having to visit State and Federal Offices to establish our existence, and cart around original documentation and explain our situation to every official; and, typically, having to explain the rules to that very same official who has the ability to approve or deny the next stage in our progress, is stressful and exhausting."

Anyway..... Daniela.... I have been remiss. Welcome to VJ. Make sure you come over to the Canada Forum for some fellowship and bonding. There's a great bunch of people there. And a sample of them are right here in your thread.

I think it's great that you have recognized the problem and are doing something to help. I know it's got to be awfully hard. Trust me, my husband's got the battlescars too. But it sure goes a long way to have your spouse understand that it's not about whatever the issue-du-jour is. It's about loneliness and heartache and frustration. Don't try to fix things for him. Just listen and hug him and love him and tell him that you understand. I think that's the biggest healer of them all. (((((((BIG HUGS)))))))

[Krikit 1,163]

Whoa! It took me so long to write this post that there have been at least 5 more posts!

[NatPatBen 3]

... This man who never does the grocery shopping went on an expedition to find Organic Heinz ketchup since he read in the forums that the organic version here tastes most like the Canadian version. The taste of ketchup seems to be a silly little thing, but I can't tell you how much that cheered me up....

That was SO sweet... the kind of thing that brings about tears.

... I think that's the biggest healer of them all. (((((((BIG HUGS)))))))

I agree! 100%

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Fabulous posts, guys. I couldn't have said it better myself. There are a lot of posts of me trying to describe the frustration and loneliness I felt when I first moved down here, Daniela. I've amalgamated some in one of the paragraphs below. Going back to visit whenever I could helped me to adjust. I get positively giddy when I find a particular grocery item that's normally unavailable in the US. Finally being able to find my way around without getting lost helped me to adjust. I remember one time being hopelessly lost and calling my husband balling my eyes out.

Husband: "Where are you?"

Me: "I don't know."

Husband: "Look around you. Do you see a street sign?"

Me: "Well, there's a yellow building to my left and a big tree to my right."

Husband: *sigh*

Me:

I found for the first year that I was frustrated and angry and lost and lonely. During the second year I finally got through the adjustment process and settled down. Now I love it here and think of it as home.... but a different kind of home than Canada-home. I love where we live and I have the best neighbours in the world. At this point I would probably cry if I had to leave and I would always be homesick for it. I still get homesick for Canada but I have learned how to deal with it. I get homesick for England, too, because that's where I'm originally from, but I've learned how to deal with that too. God help me if I ever have to move to another country/State. I don't need any more places to miss.

Amalgamation of some of my old posts:

"Being a new immigrant is difficult, to say the least. You leave your home, your career, your family, and your friends. Back home, when you needed something you knew where to find it. When you were sick you went to the doctor. When something went wrong, you knew who to call. Here, you know nothing. Moving to a new country is like becoming a child again. You are dependent on your new spouse for everything. We are raw from the pain of leaving our homes and loved ones and we are unfamiliar with the territory and the rules. When you move to the US you no longer exist. Having to visit State and Federal Offices to establish our existence, and cart around original documentation and explain our situation to every official; and, typically, having to explain the rules to that very same official who has the ability to approve or deny the next stage in our progress, is stressful and exhausting."

Anyway..... Daniela.... I have been remiss. Welcome to VJ. Make sure you come over to the Canada Forum for some fellowship and bonding. There's a great bunch of people there. And a sample of them are right here in your thread.

I think it's great that you have recognized the problem and are doing something to help. I know it's got to be awfully hard. Trust me, my husband's got the battlescars too. But it sure goes a long way to have your spouse understand that it's not about whatever the issue-du-jour is. It's about loneliness and heartache and frustration. Don't try to fix things for him. Just listen and hug him and love him and tell him that you understand. I think that's the biggest healer of them all. (((((((BIG HUGS)))))))

Thanks a ton. That does make sense--coming here, being like a child. I know it's got to be frustrating, and I suppose I've lost sight of that. Sean has had some situations where he's been really confused or overwhelmed by things here. For example, there are no six lane highways back in Campbell River!

I am so happy that there has been so much support for this issue! You have to understand, when I tried calling up my friends and family members to talk this through (and even one of Sean's family members), they COMPLETELY took my side and started on the whole track of, "Well, Sean is lucky to have you; you do everything for him--what has he done for you? Blah, blah..."

I'm not sure if they were talking like that out of politeness/camaraderie/loyalty (or whatever you want to call it), but that sort of thing just plain doesn't help. It doesn't help me to understand what I could be doing better, and it sure doesn't help Sean feel like being here.

It's really nice to be here and have such support and understanding. I am truly impressed!

[christera22 8]

I totally agree to BermyCat. You shd know the environment & socialism in USA is least human beings can do within themselves. Now his homesickness has nothing to do with opportunities here, your love etc etc here. He misses a lot of things as i do . Like say for example

a)here i cannot roam freely and walk on roads freely. I am still learning driving and driving seems to be a hell of a trouble and robotic.

b)The complete idea of carrying your ID always makes me feel here like a military rule.

c) neighbors dont know each other and dnt talk or socialize. Thats to me highest level of desocialization. There in India we can walk in my neighbors and they are like my mom and dad . I can ask for money from them any time during any trouble or open our doors to their guests if they hv a big party going on and dnt have place for people who are staying back. So we let their guests stay and sleep at our home. Thats not an issue at all.

d) African american problems here is a kind of fear to me ..... my wife told me to keep away from as some illeterates one dnt like foreigners and i was harassed by few of them in a parking lot once. I wanted to leave usa then and then but wy wife did a good job of making me understand and calm down.

e) NO park that is open even in the evening and pathways are vaccant and empty . Makes me feel like a fearsome ghost city. Unless you are at new york.

f) even mother and daughter has to make official appointments with each other before coming or seeing each other. Kind of like a robotic arrangement and no emotions.

I have ahuge list but dnt want to expand any more. So what I am trying to tell that Americans has lots to improve in social sphere and learn from others in that respect. Its not perfect till yet though different culturea has mixed here. I dnt know exactly how is Canada, but I can tell the least why he is missing and homesick as i look towards myself. Plus likewise my case, he doesnt have any buddy here . Neither do I . NOw wifew can be friends but a man needs a man ... My friend who is like my bosom buddy is left in India and here I am very certain no one can replace him. And believe me when i say buddy. Indian buddies rae hell lot different from the concept of buddies here. So in a aprt of his heart he is total lonely. Hows his interaction with ur family ??family interaction sometimes turn good. later babies in the family and making his buddies visit you people or you two visintg canada will certainly help. I am here only for my wife and not for job or opportunities....so some day i wd certainly return back. As i said socialism is totally different there. I miss that. It has nothing to do with love for my wife. Hope the best for you two.

Homesickness is completely emotional; it's not rational at all. The fact that you two have a great marriage won't stop him from being homesick. The fact that he has more financial and educational oppurtunities won't stop him from being homesick. No discussion or argument can make his homesickness go away. Don't feel like you're not good enough or your life in Texas isn't good enough, his homesickness has nothing to do with you. There's no need to be defensive or to fight, it's not your fault.

It's really hard to make someone understand just how difficult moving countries really is. This is the third counry I've lived in. Once you move, almost every part of life gets harder for a while. Driving is a total pain. You don't know the area very well and if you slow to read street signs and building numbers, the jerk behind you is going to lean on his horn. Buying everything from groceries to jeans is a giant pain, because you don't yet know where to find what you're looking for. My first breakdown was in a grocery store. I wanted to cook Phil a special meal but a bunch of the ingredients that were very common in Ontario just aren't available in grocery stores here. Banking here is totally different than in Canada. Then there's health care. Even the same food with the same manufacturer and brand, tastes different here than in Canada. I could go on for pages and pages. The point is that for a least a year after a move, a staggering number of things you do on a daily basis are a source of frustration. You end up having to depend on your spouse to get the simplist of things done. Immagine being in that position and you'll start to see what he is going through. You start to fixate on how much better things were at home. It's hard to keep in mind that some time, far in the future, things will be easier for you here.

As far as missing family and friends, I'm not sure that I can explain what that feels like if you don't have those close relationships. Try remembering what it was like to miss him while you two were waiting for the visa. Family relationships can be almost as close as your relationship to each other.

There are some things that my husband does that really help me out. First and foremost, when I get really frustrated, angry or burst into tears, he doesn't resort to logic. He just hugs me and reminds me that things will get better, that he loves me no matter what and that this will all be worth it in the end. I can tell that sometimes it's hard for him not to take it personally or get angry. I'm pretty sure he vents with a friend of his so he can be calm for me. Secondly, he's gotten advice on how to make me more comofortable here. He asked in the Canada forum what he could do to help me adjust and got loads of helpful advice. He reads the Canada forum to get an idea of what sorts of things it's hard for Canadians to adjust to. This man who never does the grocery shopping went on an expedition to find Organic Heinz ketchup since he read in the forums that the organic version here tastes most like the Canadian version. The taste of ketchup seems to be a silly little thing, but I can't tell you how much that cheered me up.

I think visiting home and having people from home visit you guys could help a lot too. Visits home always seemed to take the edge off my homesickness and playing tour guide reminds me of the great things about where i'm curently living. I can't wait to take my brother and his family to the Atlanta Aquarium. My little nieces will go nuts. I'll also planning to invite my 15 year old step sister to come spend a week with us. I know she'd love the shopping and there's a couple of concerts coming up that we'd both enjoy.

I'm not sure if this has been helpful to you or not. I have a tendency to ramble. I think time and patience are what you two are going to require in great quantities. Don't forget to take time just to enjoy each other's company.

Good luck,

Catherine

Edited March 21, 2009 by christera22

[christera22 8]

Go do things that he likes , find out his passions, his likes. Try to find a cnadian group in your area and socialize with them. The idea is he has to find people in ur area who are also from canada. That will of course help.