what if the marriage doesn't work?

[reymidge 0]

As most of you know, I got here in the US on December 2008 on a K1 visa. Me and my fiance got married on January 25, 2009. Unfortunately or fortunately I got pregnant and now I on my way to 3rd month. In some ways I say unfortunately because I am having a hard time getting sick and my husband doesn't understand that. I learned some things I don't like about him that I never knew before we got married. Now, I wanna back out because it seems like I am not happy with him anymore because of his attitude and I have to swallow my pride most of the time. Is there anyway for me to stay in the US if our marriage doesn't work out? If there's none I guess I would still love to go back to the Philippines. At least there I have my family who could take care of me while I am carrying this baby. To those who have a child I know that you can sympathize with me. It's not easy to deal with pregnancy sickness and I need my husband to be supporting me and understanding me and help me on this but this doesn't seem to be the situation right now. Now, I don't know what to do. Please help.... thanks....

I didnt know how old you are now and your fiance but it will be of help if you would vent out your feelings to your husband.Honesty is still the best policy.Marriage entails a lot of work and for now since you just got married and got pregnant-i know YOURE BOTH ON THE ADJUSMENT PERIOD AND IT WILL TAKE A WHILE FOR YOU TO ACCEPT THE BAD TRAITS of your husband-whatever it is..YOURE VERY SENSITIVE NOW BECAUSE OF ALL THE CHANGES IN HORMONES THAT TAKES PLACE IN PREGNANCY..PLease realized that yyoure married to someone who is not from here meaning there would be cultural differences and you should lay all your cards on the table to your husband. I suppose you both planned this pregancy right? You are now married and I know you LOVED YOUR HUSBAND THE REASON WHY YOU MARRIED HIM RIGHT..SO MAKE IT WORK AND PRAY AND TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOURE GOING THRU..IT WILL DEFINETELY HELP IT IF YOU WILL COMMUNICATE WITH HIM THRU YOUR HEART...SAY WHAT YOU FEEL TO HIM AND HOW YOU WANTED TO BE LOVED MORE AND SUPPORTED BECAUSE YOURE PREGNANT...Godbless and dont make hasty decisions..

Take care and take your vitamins..PRAY AND TALK TO GOD.

[SamM223 0]

Your best bet would be to return to your home country if you are not willing to try and make the marriage work.

The way you put things, sounds like you really just wanted to get to the States and maybe figured having a child might be an anchor to stay here.

I know lots of you will get upset by what I am saying, but this is my opinion.

What will staying in the U.S. do for you? You should go home and be with your family who can help you with your child and will accept you and love you no matter what.

Let me caution anyone to at least meet the person you are going to marry and spend a reasonable amount of time with them before getting married. If you do not, then you only have yourself to blame. People can only keep up an "act" for so long, after a month or so, they will tire of it and go back to being their old self.

[kitteh 1]

EasyRider and OldDominion, have either of you lived outside of the US before?

I agree that the United States is a large and diverse nation comprised of a number of different groups of people with varied ethnic, religious, and socioeconomic backgrounds and any widesweeping generalizations couldn't possibly apply to every single American. But the fact of the matter is that we do have cultural norms that differ--sometimes wildly--from those of other countries. My Chilean husband's family sometimes think I'm too independent, which they see as being cold and uncaring. They think that since I moved out of my parents' home when I turned 18 that I must have been unceremoniously dumped on the side of the road by my selfish and callous parents. Even though I have assured them that I wasn't kicked out of my home, they seem to think my parents pushed me out, which isn't true. But they are reacting based on their cultural norms in which adult children live at home during and after college--there is no dorm life there, although some people do go to schools outside their hometown. But if they do move out to attend college they usually move back in with thier parents afterwards and stay until marriage. So it's not at all abnormal to see adults in their late 20s and early 30s still living in their parents home having their meals made for them.

That's just one example, but I have lived in two different Latin American countries as well as the US and I don't really see how anyone can live outside the US and then try to deny that there are no differences between the cultures of different countries, or that Americans are just like any other people.

Edited February 23, 2009 by kitteh

[kape_at_pandesal 0]

ITS TOO EARLY TO SAY THAT THE MARRIAGE IS NOT WORKING SWEETY, MAYBE BOTH OF YOU HAVE EXPECTATIONS THAT IS NOT MET. YOU GUYS ARE STILL ON ADJUSTMENT PERIOD. AND YES GOING TO A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR MIGHT HELP. IF YOU LOVE EACH OTHER BOTH OF YOU WILL DO EVERYTHING TO SAVE IT...DO YOU REALLY LOVE HIM? OR DID YOU JUST MARRIED HIM TO BE IN THE USA? NO OFFENSE MEANT. JUST ASKING A QUESTION.

[tomiris 0]

As most of you know, I got here in the US on December 2008 on a K1 visa. Me and my fiance got married on January 25, 2009. Unfortunately or fortunately I got pregnant and now I on my way to 3rd month. In some ways I say unfortunately because I am having a hard time getting sick and my husband doesn't understand that. I learned some things I don't like about him that I never knew before we got married. Now, I wanna back out because it seems like I am not happy with him anymore because of his attitude and I have to swallow my pride most of the time. Is there anyway for me to stay in the US if our marriage doesn't work out? If there's none I guess I would still love to go back to the Philippines. At least there I have my family who could take care of me while I am carrying this baby. To those who have a child I know that you can sympathize with me. It's not easy to deal with pregnancy sickness and I need my husband to be supporting me and understanding me and help me on this but this doesn't seem to be the situation right now. Now, I don't know what to do. Please help.... thanks....

hi there! i got here last Jan 2009 and got married Jan 25 too... you have to think a million times before you decide on things, pray for enlightenment.. i suggest that you talk to your husband, a heart to heart talk wherein he will understand what you are going through being pregnant... marriage is a commitment, its for a lifetime... unless if your husband physically and verbally abused you, then that's the time you get a lawyer to help you out... always remember that we are individuals, we have different ways of thinking and best way for a relationship to work out is to have constant communication and be open on how you feel... don't be afraid to tell your husband on how you felt, he will realized that he should act as a husband and soon to be father... it's true you will learn things that you'll not gonna like about him and he learns things too that he don't like about you, it's because you already live in one roof and it doesn't mean you don't love each other anymore... keep on praying, God will lead you the way... take care...

Edited February 23, 2009 by tomiris

[A.B. 0]

oh please do not divorce while yo uare pregnant. pregnancy is always hard and for both people. in my previous relationship i have came near seperating with someone i have been with for more than one hyear during a pregnancy

[Rob&Dawn 1]

Take your time before deciding this marriage is over, you have only been in the US for 3months.

Adjusting to your new life can be pretty daunting, on top of that both of you making your marriage work and getting to know/like each others quirks can be very stressful.

I sympathise with you feeling so rough during the early stages of your pregnancy, most women have their morning sickness easy off after the 1st trimester.

Your hormones are all over the place at the moment with the pregnancy and IMO it would be crazy to make a rash descision regarding your marriage until you have explored every possible avenue for reconciling and waiting for the hormones to calm back down.

Good luck & congratulations with the pregnancy.

[CandyLovesAhmed 0]

umm ok so basically i understand things dont work out somtimes but how can anyone even suggest she hurry and find somone to stay here?

hello can we say ILLEGAL? you cant marry somone just to get a green card last time i checked

As most of you know, I got here in the US on December 2008 on a K1 visa. Me and my fiance got married on January 25, 2009. Unfortunately or fortunately I got pregnant and now I on my way to 3rd month. In some ways I say unfortunately because I am having a hard time getting sick and my husband doesn't understand that. I learned some things I don't like about him that I never knew before we got married. Now, I wanna back out because it seems like I am not happy with him anymore because of his attitude and I have to swallow my pride most of the time. Is there anyway for me to stay in the US if our marriage doesn't work out? If there's none I guess I would still love to go back to the Philippines. At least there I have my family who could take care of me while I am carrying this baby. To those who have a child I know that you can sympathize with me. It's not easy to deal with pregnancy sickness and I need my husband to be supporting me and understanding me and help me on this but this doesn't seem to be the situation right now. Now, I don't know what to do. Please help.... thanks....

I have a friend that same thing happened and she found another person to be with and marry. If it is abuse(even verbal) than you need to get a lawyer and help get out of the marriage. My friend was able to stay, so go get a good immigration/divorce lawyer

Yea so find a new man quick, quick quick!

[CandyLovesAhmed 0]

Your best bet would be to return to your home country if you are not willing to try and make the marriage work.

The way you put things, sounds like you really just wanted to get to the States and maybe figured having a child might be an anchor to stay here.

I know lots of you will get upset by what I am saying, but this is my opinion.

What will staying in the U.S. do for you? You should go home and be with your family who can help you with your child and will accept you and love you no matter what.

Let me caution anyone to at least meet the person you are going to marry and spend a reasonable amount of time with them before getting married. If you do not, then you only have yourself to blame. People can only keep up an "act" for so long, after a month or so, they will tire of it and go back to being their old self.

i sooo agree with you. its strange for me that ssomone is ready to jump so fast. and its not that they want to go home they want to stay. first would you be in the u.s. if you wasnt going to marry that person.. if you would then how... did you tell immigration you wanted to come to be with that person and if you did why would you want to be here without... i dont get some people really i dont

[CandyLovesAhmed 0]

I don't know what you mean by this. First what do you mean by "Americans?" I've never really known what that means. Americans to me means American "citizen." It's difficult to label a citizen of a country that is made up of 300+ million people that come in every color, creed, religion, race and ethnicity. And if by Americans you mean "white" or "Caucasian" then what do you mean exactly? You mean Irish, German, Italian, English, Dutch, Swedish, Norwegian, etc.? I mean, "white" could also mean Jewish or Hispanic in some cases. And there are "white" Muslims from Eastern Europe that are also "American." So I'm not sure what you mean with this statement. Plus these virtues exist in pretty much every other culture that I know of firsthand. "Self-reliance" and "inner strength" and "like to be strong and make our own decisions," you could be talking about anybody.

But anyway, I am American and if my wife was sick I would be concerned, especially if she was pregnant. As a matter of fact, when my fiancee was sick last month I suggested she go to the doctor but she refused. I was ready to thrown her over my shoulder and carry her to the hospital. She would have been angry but I would have done it. But maybe that's just me.

Did you just call yourself American after writing a paragraph about not knowing what American meant?

i think he meant that lots of people fall into the catagory "american"

[Old Dominion 26]

EasyRider and OldDominion, have either of you lived outside of the US before?

I agree that the United States is a large and diverse nation comprised of a number of different groups of people with varied ethnic, religious, and socioeconomic backgrounds and any widesweeping generalizations couldn't possibly apply to every single American. But the fact of the matter is that we do have cultural norms that differ--sometimes wildly--from those of other countries. My Chilean husband's family sometimes think I'm too independent, which they see as being cold and uncaring. They think that since I moved out of my parents' home when I turned 18 that I must have been unceremoniously dumped on the side of the road by my selfish and callous parents. Even though I have assured them that I wasn't kicked out of my home, they seem to think my parents pushed me out, which isn't true. But they are reacting based on their cultural norms in which adult children live at home during and after college--there is no dorm life there, although some people do go to schools outside their hometown. But if they do move out to attend college they usually move back in with thier parents afterwards and stay until marriage. So it's not at all abnormal to see adults in their late 20s and early 30s still living in their parents home having their meals made for them.

That's just one example, but I have lived in two different Latin American countries as well as the US and I don't really see how anyone can live outside the US and then try to deny that there are no differences between the cultures of different countries, or that Americans are just like any other people.

Yes, I have lived in Bosnia. Read the posts more carefully. I was commenting that Americans in general are just as caring and attentive toward loved ones as anyone else. Yes, we do tend to expect adult children to get on with their lives independently after they finish their schooling -- which could include college and university. That is not uncaring, it is requiring offspring to take financial responsibility for their own lives. Probably we regard thos adults still living at home, expecting parental services like meals, as mooches.

Edited February 23, 2009 by Old Dominion

[marieke 1]

In the meanwhile the OP has not returned....

[EasyRider 3]

laughing.gif Did you just call yourself American after writing a paragraph about not knowing what American meant? rofl.gif

Yea I think maybe I was in the wrong frame of mind when I wrote the American Part... What I was trying to say is we are all different and her spouse needs to understand this..

What I meant about "American" was someone raised here... "Native American"

Of course we're all different, obviously. Even within the same culture or ethnic group, hell, even in the same family we're all different. But you said that Americans were "self reliant" and like to be "strong and make our own choices" somehow implying that other were not like Americans. That's kind of a dangerous assumption to make since not all Americans are like that and there are people outside of our borders that may possess these same virtues. That's all I was saying.

EasyRider and OldDominion, have either of you lived outside of the US before?

I agree that the United States is a large and diverse nation comprised of a number of different groups of people with varied ethnic, religious, and socioeconomic backgrounds and any widesweeping generalizations couldn't possibly apply to every single American. But the fact of the matter is that we do have cultural norms that differ--sometimes wildly--from those of other countries. My Chilean husband's family sometimes think I'm too independent, which they see as being cold and uncaring. They think that since I moved out of my parents' home when I turned 18 that I must have been unceremoniously dumped on the side of the road by my selfish and callous parents. Even though I have assured them that I wasn't kicked out of my home, they seem to think my parents pushed me out, which isn't true. But they are reacting based on their cultural norms in which adult children live at home during and after college--there is no dorm life there, although some people do go to schools outside their hometown. But if they do move out to attend college they usually move back in with thier parents afterwards and stay until marriage. So it's not at all abnormal to see adults in their late 20s and early 30s still living in their parents home having their meals made for them.

That's just one example, but I have lived in two different Latin American countries as well as the US and I don't really see how anyone can live outside the US and then try to deny that there are no differences between the cultures of different countries, or that Americans are just like any other people.

As stated above, of course people are different. That was my whole point. I was saying that in the context of America, it is difficult to define what that "culture" actually means. And the example you gave is a good one. It is not ABNORMAL for Latinos to live with their parents well into their 30's. Some even have families living with their parents. But it's not because their mooches, as somebody suggested and certainly not because they're not "self reliant." Just like it is not only acceptable but expected that when your parents get old, THEY live with YOU. In American culture, to use your term, it is ok to put your elderly parents or disabled relatives in a home. For most Latinos, whether they are Chilean, Mexican, etc., that is completely UNACCEPTABLE. In fact, sometimes when an old relative does not have children of their own, they go live with their cousins and uncles. There is no such thing as "extended family" with most Latinos, there's just FAMILY. So your Chilean family might consider you cold and uncaring and you might think that living with your parents is being a mooch, but to some "Americans" it is perfectly ok because they are Latino Americans, to use a very broad word. So my point is that when somebody says that Americans are this or that, I simply ask them to define the term because we're not all like that, no matter the "cultural norms." And just to clarify, I never said that "we were all the same." Obviously you didn't read my post in its entirety or maybe I was not clear. But what I said was that "self reliant" and "strong" are not characteristics unique to "American" people. That is all.

[Anonymous NY 1]

Respect for our spouse is a universal foundation for a solid relationship/ marriage. Americans, Europeans, Asians... race is besides the point.

[AnnexoxShay 1]

They werent suggesting she find someone to stay here ... The poster was being sarcastic because lately there has been several posts of similar content in other parts of the forum ... Personally I cant decide if some of these people dont quite understand what a K1 actually is or if they are trying to find an easy way to the US ...

I work as a volunteer at a Salvation Army Relief centre .... We recently had a case come in for assistance, She was the sweetest Chinese gal youll ever meet with a new born babe ... Her Australian husband had changed his mind about the marriage and actually went as far as denying the baby was his ... as a result she was unable to receive any assistance from the Government or maintenance from him while paternity was being determined ....

The baby however was able to get a small payment (being a citizen) of around $50 some dollars barely enough to feed and cloth her ... this went on for months ... We did as much as we could by paying her bills and giving her food vouchers and pharmasy vouchers (for formula) ... My supervisor even filled out paperwork so her case could be reviewed quicker due to extreme hardship ...

Eventually the results came back and he was indeed the babies father and the Government had to back pay her and the husband also had to back pay maintenance ... but if she hadnt had support from a charitable organisation and a place to stay she would have had no choice but to leave ...

... ie having a baby isnt going to guarantee you can stay in the the country .. they will do a paternity test ...

Marriage is tough at the best of times ... together with the stress of applying for a K1 and added pregnancy off cause your going to have issues arise .... The best advise so far has been the marriage councelling ... If you really really love your husband and want to make a go of this marriage talk to him and organise some marriage councelling for both of you ... This can only make you both stronger and solidify the relationship ... the fact that you took marriage councelling to help overcome your difference can also be used as evidence when your doing your AOS .... This can only be a good thing especially being so early in the relationship, dont let habits develope conquer them now and youll have a stronger more fullfilled relationship in the future ...

Good luck.

umm ok so basically i understand things dont work out somtimes but how can anyone even suggest she hurry and find somone to stay here?

hello can we say ILLEGAL? you cant marry somone just to get a green card last time i checked

As most of you know, I got here in the US on December 2008 on a K1 visa. Me and my fiance got married on January 25, 2009. Unfortunately or fortunately I got pregnant and now I on my way to 3rd month. In some ways I say unfortunately because I am having a hard time getting sick and my husband doesn't understand that. I learned some things I don't like about him that I never knew before we got married. Now, I wanna back out because it seems like I am not happy with him anymore because of his attitude and I have to swallow my pride most of the time. Is there anyway for me to stay in the US if our marriage doesn't work out? If there's none I guess I would still love to go back to the Philippines. At least there I have my family who could take care of me while I am carrying this baby. To those who have a child I know that you can sympathize with me. It's not easy to deal with pregnancy sickness and I need my husband to be supporting me and understanding me and help me on this but this doesn't seem to be the situation right now. Now, I don't know what to do. Please help.... thanks....

I have a friend that same thing happened and she found another person to be with and marry. If it is abuse(even verbal) than you need to get a lawyer and help get out of the marriage. My friend was able to stay, so go get a good immigration/divorce lawyer

Yea so find a new man quick, quick quick!