Checking in.....not sure who remembers me.

[lazylivn 0]

Hello all, Just thought I'd stop by and check in. Sehrab got his 2 year green card last week. He'll be here a year April 4....how's that for speed? haha.

First year for us has had more downs than ups. We almost broke a few times. The people that tell you the first year is the hardest wasn't lying. Sometimes that was the only thing I had to hold on to.

Here's what I learned this past year, this may apply to some, it may not:

Simple misunderstandings- Some of the ways he phrased things sounded hurtful and it's hard to remember that he may not mean it the way it sounded when your feelings are hurt. Even when I would say something he would misunderstand and take it the wrong way. I've seen it happen and I've known it was happening but been unable to straighten it out.

Thinking like your still single- He lived a long time as a single man in him mom's home and even though I was married before for 16 years I had lived my entire life like I was single. Give yourselves some time to adjust...my mistake was I let my insecurities take hold at times. Little things like letting him know when I was leaving, or talking with him before I made a big purchase...for him it was learning to compromise and learning what the differences were as far as his responsiblities toward a wife vs a mother.

Respect- I've heard way to much that I'm not respecting him. Simple things I say or do. Ways he expects me to act. I think he's still reeling from culture shock and learning that he took much about his interactions with women in Jordan for granted. I can't think of an example right now, but you'll see what I'm talking about once he gets here.

Life is not like the movies- I tried to prepare my husband for what it was like here and he really felt like he had an understanding. He admits now that he thought life here was more like what he seen in our movies. He had to come here, live here in order to see what America is truly like. He's learning about racism and the diversity of culture we have here. He was so surprised to learn how spanish is our second language and often commented on how everything was offered in both english and spanish. He also gets upset when he's mistaken for being hispanic and people have no idea where Jordan is or that it's even another country.

Don't spend too much time thinking about what it's going to be like once he's here- Most things we had planned and worked out were defunct once he got here. I think it's normal for people to make plans on being a different person once they are in a different environment, but reality is changing location doesn't change who we are or how we think. I find myself compromising and doing things more the Jordanian way than the American way....nothing big or bad just not the way I'm used to it.

Chatting- Let's face it...we met them online and for most of us we see them online every single free minute. Don't expect that to change, at least not at first. They are sitting home all day while you go to work, homesick, feeling disconnected from everyone they knew...They are still going to chat. We've had many fights about that....I didn't appreciate some of the rooms he was going to or the way the conversation went (but that goes back to thinking like a single person again for him and realizing he had a wife to respect).

Domineering and Controlling- Many times he would insist something had to be done a certain way and I seen him as being domineering and trying to control me. I've realized that for us....that was mostly about him trying to feel he was the man of the house. It's not easy coming here and suddenly your relying on your wife (a woman) for every little thing you need. My husband was and still is somewhat very frustrated by the amount of time it took him to get his work authorization and he's still looking for work even now. So in some ways he overcompensated his other roles as husband and man of the house.

And my insecurities has been the biggest hurdle. I've had trust issues anyway from my marriage before. Then the nagging little questions "did he just want the green card?" I found myself escalating things, pushing him away just to see if he would leave, and you know what? A couple of times he almost did. I'm learning to walk away, calm down, think about what I want to say before I say it and he's learning that I'm not going to approach him the perfect way every time and sometimes I have my moods just like he does. Also...your going to be under increased stress while your adjusting to each other.

He's done some horrible things to me, and I've done some horrible things to him. BUT it's getting better and we are stronger for it.

I'm not saying that this applies or will apply to everyone in our situation. I just want the ones this does apply to know that it can get better....

Here's hoping for a great second year.

[Nothing1234 2]

Hey Maggie

Good to see you back around!! I'm sorry for some of the struggle you went through...but you're right its part of the adjusting and nothing really does prepare a person until they are living it. Our first year is still in swing and its been an adventure for sure plus add twins to that!

Stick around more and visit us more often!!

[prince+angel 3]

Hi!

Thanks so much for your willingness, openness and honest in sharing your story. This is exactly what some of us want & need to hear, its more helpful than you could possibly know.

No ones story will be exactly the same despite the journeys being similiar but the more experienes/info we have & learn about, the better off any couple would be.

We wish a wonderful second year together! Thanks again for sharing ...Angel

[teenutty 0]

Dear Maggie:

A very good post and a lot of the things you mentioned are some of the things I am going through....

Let's hope for a good future...

Tina

[teenutty 0]

Dear Maggie:

A very good post and a lot of the things you mentioned are some of the things I am going through....

I don't know how it will be..

Tina

[nunyab 0]

great post!!! I haven't met you before but you really seem to understand the things we should hear. I've learned already to grow a thick skin and a sense of humor from both the military and retail management but it came as a sting when he would say things without "sugar coating" it. I am learning and it is all part of the process about learning about eachother more.

I have found if I am clear with what I need he will do it but hinting is not a good thing they just don't pick up on it nor sarcasim not sure if that is the culture or my husband but.... all part of learning

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Hello all, Just thought I'd stop by and check in. Sehrab got his 2 year green card last week. He'll be here a year April 4....how's that for speed? haha.

First year for us has had more downs than ups. We almost broke a few times. The people that tell you the first year is the hardest wasn't lying. Sometimes that was the only thing I had to hold on to.

Here's what I learned this past year, this may apply to some, it may not:

Simple misunderstandings- Some of the ways he phrased things sounded hurtful and it's hard to remember that he may not mean it the way it sounded when your feelings are hurt. Even when I would say something he would misunderstand and take it the wrong way. I've seen it happen and I've known it was happening but been unable to straighten it out.

Thinking like your still single- He lived a long time as a single man in him mom's home and even though I was married before for 16 years I had lived my entire life like I was single. Give yourselves some time to adjust...my mistake was I let my insecurities take hold at times. Little things like letting him know when I was leaving, or talking with him before I made a big purchase...for him it was learning to compromise and learning what the differences were as far as his responsiblities toward a wife vs a mother.

Respect- I've heard way to much that I'm not respecting him. Simple things I say or do. Ways he expects me to act. I think he's still reeling from culture shock and learning that he took much about his interactions with women in Jordan for granted. I can't think of an example right now, but you'll see what I'm talking about once he gets here.

Life is not like the movies- I tried to prepare my husband for what it was like here and he really felt like he had an understanding. He admits now that he thought life here was more like what he seen in our movies. He had to come here, live here in order to see what America is truly like. He's learning about racism and the diversity of culture we have here. He was so surprised to learn how spanish is our second language and often commented on how everything was offered in both english and spanish. He also gets upset when he's mistaken for being hispanic and people have no idea where Jordan is or that it's even another country.

Don't spend too much time thinking about what it's going to be like once he's here- Most things we had planned and worked out were defunct once he got here. I think it's normal for people to make plans on being a different person once they are in a different environment, but reality is changing location doesn't change who we are or how we think. I find myself compromising and doing things more the Jordanian way than the American way....nothing big or bad just not the way I'm used to it.

Chatting- Let's face it...we met them online and for most of us we see them online every single free minute. Don't expect that to change, at least not at first. They are sitting home all day while you go to work, homesick, feeling disconnected from everyone they knew...They are still going to chat. We've had many fights about that....I didn't appreciate some of the rooms he was going to or the way the conversation went (but that goes back to thinking like a single person again for him and realizing he had a wife to respect).

Domineering and Controlling- Many times he would insist something had to be done a certain way and I seen him as being domineering and trying to control me. I've realized that for us....that was mostly about him trying to feel he was the man of the house. It's not easy coming here and suddenly your relying on your wife (a woman) for every little thing you need. My husband was and still is somewhat very frustrated by the amount of time it took him to get his work authorization and he's still looking for work even now. So in some ways he overcompensated his other roles as husband and man of the house.

And my insecurities has been the biggest hurdle. I've had trust issues anyway from my marriage before. Then the nagging little questions "did he just want the green card?" I found myself escalating things, pushing him away just to see if he would leave, and you know what? A couple of times he almost did. I'm learning to walk away, calm down, think about what I want to say before I say it and he's learning that I'm not going to approach him the perfect way every time and sometimes I have my moods just like he does. Also...your going to be under increased stress while your adjusting to each other.

He's done some horrible things to me, and I've done some horrible things to him. BUT it's getting better and we are stronger for it.

I'm not saying that this applies or will apply to everyone in our situation. I just want the ones this does apply to know that it can get better....

Here's hoping for a great second year.

mine talks to family everyday, no prob for me, the wording is somewhat of a issue with things i DIDNT say and he felt i had, its all still new only 2 weeks so check back in 2 months

Edited February 15, 2009 by brnidokiegurl

[Aymsgirl 0]

Hey Maggie! It's great to hear from you. I can relate to some of the above from being in our first year. I think our husband's came pretty much one right after another. I hope this next year brings your more positives than negatives. Please keep in touch and it was good to hear from you and see your sweet smile again in your siggy.

[Ban Hammer 12,861]

i remember that name!

[JeanneVictoria 55]

Welcome back!!! Happy to see you again and know you are still around.

Best of luck to you and your hubby!

[Ahmed N Cheryl 0]

Maggie Thanks for sharing your experiences with us.

All marriages take work and compromising but when you add the differences of cultures in there it gets a little more difficult sometimes.

I can relate well with the taking things he said wrong and him taking things I said wrong. We have had plenty of those issues but my husband and I have always managed to get them worked out before it has gotten too bad out of hand.

I am glad to hear it has made your relationship stronger instead of weaker Wishing you a happy and love filled second year.

Hope to hear more from you.

Cheryl

[Rosalinda 0]

Wow !!

Let me say thank you... I needed to read that and I don't mean it sarcastically...

I told my manager the other day if I'm not freaking out about the time apart and trying to get him here I'm freaking out about the time that he WILL be here. I have tried to analyze everything and I'm glad that you say it's not possible. I tell my husband I worry in everything and he says not to....

Right now and for the better part of 16 years it has been just me and my son... I'm concerned... I know it will be hard but just how hard I did not understand until I read your post along with that add a 20 yr old son and his concern for his mother and WOW!!.... I pray that all goes well when my husband gets here... And i pray that God will Bless you and your husband in this marriage in the years to come. It was good to see you again...

[In Gods Hands 0]

Can I just shout a big "AMEN' to what you shared

I haven't been online for awhile..but will try to update real soon. We have AOS interview in a couple days..and I don't feel ready.. so today is my deadline to get things in order... dang A.D.D.!

[S and S 12]

I remember your picture though I don't remember all of your story. I am glad to know you are doing fine and made it through the hurdle of the first year. I am part way into mine. Some of the things you said I can really relate to. Things are a little better for us as my husband has amazing patience and had realistic expectations. We do hit a wall sometimes which can be frustrating, but thank God we work through it. I think reading the experiences of others helps to prepare those waiting for what to expect.

[maggieNomar 0]

great post!!! I haven't met you before but you really seem to understand the things we should hear. I've learned already to grow a thick skin and a sense of humor from both the military and retail management but it came as a sting when he would say things without "sugar coating" it. I am learning and it is all part of the process about learning about eachother more.

I have found if I am clear with what I need he will do it but hinting is not a good thing they just don't pick up on it nor sarcasim not sure if that is the culture or my husband but.... all part of learning

That is so true. I am still living down a comment I made in Sept of 07 . A housekeeper said to me, 'wow, he is good looking and he can cook too.' I replied, 'yes, I think I'll keep him.' For two weeks I was grilled on what is this 'think'? Because to him, to think is to be unsure.