Cultural problem with your spouse, anyone?

[Peikko 1,575]

I am trying to understand why this is so important to you which is why I wondered what the exact nature of the problem is. If it does turn out that he simply doesn't enjoy home cooked Indonesian cooking and would rather have x,y and z that incidentally he cooks, that's one thing. If he does enjoy home cooked Indonesian cooking but doesn't like you to cook it, that's a completely different scenario. However, there is one good thing in all this, he didn't marry you just to get a housekeeper, and that should make you very, very happy . Perhaps take this time that you would have to spend with cooking and do something else for your husband that you know he loves and appreciates

Edited December 9, 2008 by Madame Cleo

[Kamaboko 0]

Are you saying that your husband likes 'westernized' Indonesian cooking? If so, then that is a palette issue and that seems to be the case as you are saying he likes 'restaurant food' but not the pot luck home cooked foods.

I guess what needs to be identified is how much this is an issue about the food itself and how much it is an issue about who does the cooking.

I would not say he likes westernised food since we picked carefully those restaurants we went to in Amsterdam, both were very authentic and far from westernised (the owners are Indonesians). He also loved those food he ate in Indonesia too, from all his visits (even ayam goreng dish he ate in small food stall on street bank). But I think I will ask him why he doesn't like my cooking. However, he's not very expressive, and I can foretell he will say (I have been cooking all his life thing), but let's hope it will be something different. My conclusion for now is that he doesn't get used to having things done by other people.

Anyways, I think I just want to nag but I don't know how I will do it, so I just vent it here But I am so happy with your responses and again, thanks!

[Nagishkaw 510]

It's a tireless charade of that fine line of either walking on the grungy side or drifting somewhere close to , say, Nirvana.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I myself am interested in any new food he cooks. However, I am not sure if it's people's attitude here. But back home, it's always nice to be nice to your spouse''s cooking (even goes with 'no matter how good or bad his/her cooking is').

I agree - it is nice to be gracious when your spouse does something for you.

One piece of advice - don't look at everything he does as an example of what 'Americans do.' You'll end up resenting him whenever you think he is just being 'American' as opposed to being a unique person with his own peculiar ways.

Ask him pointedly to honestly tell you whether he likes your cooking or not, and tell him how you feel when he doesn't really eat it. For my wife and I, it's the opposite - she's picky about what she'll eat, and there have been times when she wouldn't eat what I cooked, so now she does most of the cooking. Through conversations, she shared with me that her mother never forced her or her siblings to eat anything they didn't like. The problem is, she is too selective about what she'll eat though - like she'll eat tomato sauce, ketchup, but not whole tomatoes. She's slowly becoming more adventurous about trying new foods.

[Peikko 1,575]

Well, one thing about living on your own, you get into the habit of eating exactly what you feel like eating and not at the whim of someone else. Some people really don't care (my husband for one is glad of whatever gets put in front of him, but then he doesn't like to cook) and other people just need to have what they want. Perhaps ask him what he would like before you cook?

However, I would really not worry too much about it if the other areas of your life together are going well - just do something else for him.

[Kamaboko 0]

I don't see how's that a cultural problem? i thought every marriage is the same when it comes to one doing the cooking, the other doing the bills. it's one of those things that you discuss before getting married. For example, i like to cook, charles doesn;t cook, he knows i'lll be doing the cooking. I hate banking, he does the bills.

as for him not eating your cooking, there's a communication problem there. You can ask him what would he like for u to do different, if it's the seasoning or what. does he never weat out? is his food the only thing he eats? you can always cook only for ourself and let him cook for himself.

I believe it's cultural, most likely because back home in Indonesia husbands are usually their wives's big cooking fan. I want to feel some appreciation too, it's more like that. I think most people here are more independent and have no problem cooking your own food. He cooks for us all the time and I want to return that favour, and maybe a bit of appreciation. Very subjective eh?

As to eating out, yes we eat out somtimes (usually once a week or more depend on where we are).

[Kamaboko 0]

I myself am interested in any new food he cooks. However, I am not sure if it's people's attitude here. But back home, it's always nice to be nice to your spouse''s cooking (even goes with 'no matter how good or bad his/her cooking is').

I agree - it is nice to be gracious when your spouse does something for you.

One piece of advice - don't look at everything he does as an example of what 'Americans do.' You'll end up resenting him whenever you think he is just being 'American' as opposed to being a unique person with his own peculiar ways.

Ask him pointedly to honestly tell you whether he likes your cooking or not, and tell him how you feel when he doesn't really eat it. For my wife and I, it's the opposite - she's picky about what she'll eat, and there have been times when she wouldn't eat what I cooked, so now she does most of the cooking. Through conversations, she shared with me that her mother never forced her or her siblings to eat anything they didn't like. The problem is, she is too selective about what she'll eat though - like she'll eat tomato sauce, ketchup, but not whole tomatoes. She's slowly becoming more adventurous about trying new foods.

Thanks so much for all of yous' words of advice. I think I will try harder to just follow his taste (Ex: if he doesn't like too much gravy on Indonesian chicken dish then there's no point of me adding much of it).

And you guys are right that I should not think too much about it; doing other things, for ex. do well on my upcoming GMAT on January so that I will not just waste the money paid.

Also, from now on, I have to be a careful observant of his eating preference wish me luck!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I myself am interested in any new food he cooks. However, I am not sure if it's people's attitude here. But back home, it's always nice to be nice to your spouse''s cooking (even goes with 'no matter how good or bad his/her cooking is').

I agree - it is nice to be gracious when your spouse does something for you.

One piece of advice - don't look at everything he does as an example of what 'Americans do.' You'll end up resenting him whenever you think he is just being 'American' as opposed to being a unique person with his own peculiar ways.

Ask him pointedly to honestly tell you whether he likes your cooking or not, and tell him how you feel when he doesn't really eat it. For my wife and I, it's the opposite - she's picky about what she'll eat, and there have been times when she wouldn't eat what I cooked, so now she does most of the cooking. Through conversations, she shared with me that her mother never forced her or her siblings to eat anything they didn't like. The problem is, she is too selective about what she'll eat though - like she'll eat tomato sauce, ketchup, but not whole tomatoes. She's slowly becoming more adventurous about trying new foods.

Thanks so much for all of yous' words of advice. I think I will try harder to just follow his taste (Ex: if he doesn't like too much gravy on Indonesian chicken dish then there's no point of me adding much of it).

And you guys are right that I should not think too much about it; doing other things, for ex. do well on my upcoming GMAT on January so that I will not just waste the money paid.

Also, from now on, I have to be a careful observant of his eating preference wish me luck!

Best of luck with your GMAT and with finding the right balance between yours and your husband's ways of doing things.

[gensdad515 2]

I don't see how's that a cultural problem? i thought every marriage is the same when it comes to one doing the cooking, the other doing the bills. it's one of those things that you discuss before getting married. For example, i like to cook, charles doesn;t cook, he knows i'lll be doing the cooking. I hate banking, he does the bills.

as for him not eating your cooking, there's a communication problem there. You can ask him what would he like for u to do different, if it's the seasoning or what. does he never weat out? is his food the only thing he eats? you can always cook only for ourself and let him cook for himself.

I believe it's cultural, most likely because back home in Indonesia husbands are usually their wives's big cooking fan. I want to feel some appreciation too, it's more like that. I think most people here are more independent and have no problem cooking your own food. He cooks for us all the time and I want to return that favour, and maybe a bit of appreciation. Very subjective eh?

As to eating out, yes we eat out somtimes (usually once a week or more depend on where we are).

I'm sorry , I don't mean to be insensitve maybe I'm missing something but why is there such a big deal made of such a trivial matter ? There are so many other more important things in a relationship to worry about other than who does the cooking. I think if my spouse likes to cook and wants to cook all the time ok, I'll do the dishes and clean up afterwards. Maybe you guys could cook a meal together ? Or maybe he does not like your cooking not that it is bad, it's just he does not like it and he does not want to hurt your feelings. I do agree that if you do cook the least could be done is say Thank you for cooking. Just my 2 cents. Jorge

[star_dragon 0]

I would tell him he's SOL and he can figure out how to make his own damn food if he has no clue what to change or what he wants. You're not his maid. If he doesn't like your cooking he can cook for himself or starve.

[OttoMay 0]

hi there

It is not a cultural problem, or food or taste problem. It is a habit problem. You said he has been on his own for a long time. I am sure he is "set in his ways"

Some times old habits are hard to break. I am not sure how you go about getting him to let go of his old routines and allow you room in there.

I think that he does not even realize all of this. He might think is such a, "minor issue" and has never given it any thought.

I hope you guys can talk and share. Don't make this into a big drama event or more that it really is. The problem is, to him it might seem like a little thing, but, "The Devil is in the Details"

He needs to let go of past routines, but you have to give in to and be understanding and not let the minor things get under your skin.

Wish you all the best!! Just love him the way he is!!

[kaffy 2]

I think you really need to communicate your concerns with your husband and work our a routine that works for both of you.

good luck

Edited December 10, 2008 by kaffy

[Amby 490]

I would tell him he's SOL and he can figure out how to make his own damn food if he has no clue what to change or what he wants. You're not his maid. If he doesn't like your cooking he can cook for himself or starve.

I really did that to Neil. He eats only nasty microwave meals and I'm a freaking chef. His loss.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

What an interesting problem, the husband wants to cook all the time. Back in Germany, he did that every once in a while and cooked dinner. In the 15 months he has been here, I don't think he has done it once. If I don't make anything, the best he offers is sandwiches or would rather starve. The idea of actually making anything more complicated then driving to McDonald's escapes him completely.

[Teacher Mark 53]

You won't eat my food = No sex

Problem solved.